It’s Time for Yet Another Birthday…

AKA The Dreaded 39

Birthdays, Beer, and Bowser!

Next week, I’m turning the dreaded 39. It is not that I am afraid or uncomfortable about getting older, I just don’t enjoy this particular number. Odd numbers are just more difficult for me in general, but this one, it just hits harder for some reason.  In my mind 39 feels ugly, if that makes any sense.  Which truly is odd because it is one of the more interesting numbers to turn from a mathematical perspective will all the divisible delights. I should be more OK with it than I am.  And yet, here I sit, quite puzzled by where I am at in the grand scheme of things.

My book, is in its finally stages.  I am currently experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy) like I have NEVER experienced before.  And I have experienced more days than not in the past few months whereby I feel like the best version of myself. All in all, I am happy with my present, and optimistic about my future.  The hard work I have put into pretty much everything is finally showing me a little bit of a return for investment. But again… why reach this place when turning 39???

Last year, I wrote about my 38th birthday in: 38 My Year of the Flamingo | Breaking Away from Monogamy and it really was.  I begrudgingly accepted being single, and put my effort into accomplishing my goals.  Embracing my awkward flamingo self helped me laugh off the many, many, many, moments of self doubt, loneliness, and outright failures.  I can honestly say that while I embraced being that lone entity standing in the middle of water, it was a very slow process for me to open my eyes to those who were around me.  There were definitely a few cuts that were made, but surprisingly more often than not, I started to really feel honest gratitude towards those who I found myself standing close to.  While we all have our own unique paths, my flock is incredibly amazing, and over the last year, I have taken the time to seriously reflect on how and why that happened.

It turns out that it wasn’t by chance.  I realized, that I have been putting direct, and clear messaging out into the universe about who I wanted in my life. This, has been a major turning point for me, because my previous experiences taught me that self-preservation was made possible only by recognizing what I didn’t want.  I didn’t feel brave or confident enough to just ask for what I did want.  I am humbled by the realization that being clear and communicative with both myself and those around me, is working.

The word working, doesn’t quite convey the sentiment, but, it’s a starting point, and I think reflects what I really feel in this moment. I don’t want to get too excited, because with the book especially, there is still a long and arduous journey to go.  And although difficult, I’m being fed on more than just hopes and dreams right now.  I am actually feeling re-filled, and energized from entities that are not just self created. 

39 is still a weird number to me.  But, I think I am going to look back and laugh at how strange this number felt, by this time next year.  I’m cautiously optimistic that I have just found something dare I say someone pretty incredible, and that finally finishing my book is going to provide me with… well… something fairly monumental.  And none of this would be made possible without the incredible inner circle that I have in my life right now, and in this moment… I truly love you all!

A heartfelt cheers to all past and present who have bought me birthday beer either in person or via my Patreon! If you haven’t yet, don’t worry, there is always time!

Aftershocks, Energy Flow, and Actually Feeling Re-Filled?

Aftershock Bliss

So, let me continue with my exploration of aftershocks and energy.  In my last piece I aimed to better describe what I was feeling when in comes to my world of aftershocks.  Thankfully, it resonated with a person I was failing to describe it in words to, so yay me!  And now, if you will indulge me for a moment to take it a step forward, and discuss what happens after the aftershocks: the formation of my energy cycle.

In the past, I have been with men who sucked the energy out of me.  Thus, my role was an exhausting endeavour to find new sources of energy for myself, so then I can give it to my loved ones.  Obviously this, is not sustainable, especially long term.  It works for a while because I love feeling needed and wanted, but if for whatever reason that wains (which of course it would), well… it’s a disaster.  Now, as much I try to be aware of this negative energy cycle, I must admit that I am attracted to this feeling of being wanted, and thus, it is difficult for me to actually break.  That being said, I think, I may have just found the thing that may once and for all break my determination to fall headfirst into this pattern, and that is in finding someone who creates an energy flow with me.

I’ve felt snippets in the past, but if I am completely honest, they result from sexual energy alone.  If we are having sex with the frequency of rabbits, then it works well.  But, relationships, and life always seem to get in the way of that being sustainable.  So imagine me being completely unprepared for what I have been experiencing over the past little while.  And that my friends is feeling re-filled by a person, and if I am reading things right, him feeling the same.  It’s like we complete each other? 

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I don’t know if I am getting ahead of myself, and describing something that is more NRE (new relationship energy) rather than something far more.  But this does have all the telltale signals that it’s more than just the new.  We have been friends for many years.  We can talk about pretty much anything and everything.  We enjoy each other’s company.  We both think the world of each other, and can clearly express that.  Oh and the sex is amazing.  We have an intimate chemistry that just seems to work on a level beyond words or direction. That being said, when direction is given it is understood and taken to the absolute next level with enthusiastic gusto. 

Ooph!  I’m a puddle just thinking about that.  Anyways, back on track.  Wait… was there a track?  Or is this it.  Finding an energy loop that works for two people?  With little bolts of aftershocks to fuel you for the moments you are apart?  Is this what people are looking for?  Or the lucky ones having already found?  If this is the relationship secret, then, I am all aboard.  Of course, nothing is perfect, or without problems.  For us, it will be time and space.  Oh, and being very different people, who are inherently stubborn fools.  But… there is something here worth exploring.  Worth every single fantasy.  And absolutely worth the effort on both our parts. 

If I am jumping the gun, and putting this out into the world prematurely, then so be it. I am feeling these intense feelings right now, and they are valid.  Right or wrong, or even if they are felt as strongly by the other side really doesn’t change my excitement, or feeling of sheer bliss right now. And with that, I have started an energy cycle that I hope remains my norm for years to come. Breaking away from being the relationship battery if you will.

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Hope, Hugs, and Other Thoughts

The Start of a Pineapple

I awoke this morning with the lingering and if I’m honest tingling sensation of an amazing and sexy dream. As I lay there, I tried to remember every single juicy detail of the dream that had me feeling so alive, and slowly the full picture appeared. Wait! That couldn’t be right. There must be more to what made me feel so alive, invigorated, and almost goddess like. And yet, the memory felt correct. I dreamed that a guy told me I made him feel better, hugged me, and asked me if I felt better. No we were not laying in bed, naked, in a tangled web of sheets. We were bundled up, after walking our respective dogs, and simply had a moment of truth.

For whatever reason, I had started crying and he showed me kindness by holding me. Even now, writing these words I am crying (holy frick you could play a drinking game based on how many times I have cried writing blog posts this past year!). The impact of another human being caring about me, holding me, and then opening up themselves is… missing. Deep down, that is the intimacy I crave right now. A real connection. That bond. Isolation does crazy things to a person. In fact, it is forcing me to do a hard reset and I have fought it every step of the way!

Four or five years ago, I was out there chasing butterflies and that first touch. Looking for new, exciting, and mere moments that I hoped would turn into a variety of sexy and incredible adventures that I could share with my partner. And now, as that dream reminded me, I just want a meaningful hug. One that opens two people up to each other. A hug that bears the raw souls of the individuals. I know a moment like this cannot be forced, rushed, or even searched for. It will happen organically when I least expect it. But hot damn… for a dream about a hug to do what it did to me. It really puts everything about the here and now into perspective.

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In the last 48 hours, hope has been stripped away from me. Not in some malicious or ill intended way, but more subtle. I have been trying to find joy in the small things like an innocent flirtation with people I see at work (not co-workers to be clear) and whoosh… Covid has again slammed that door. Next up was online dating but I find it completely barren of any human who will chat with me in one sitting. It seems that 4 – 5 days is the new norm for response time? So that fun little outlet has turned into something I dread. Getting my hopes dashed day after day when I match with someone only to have the conversation dwindle away into nothingness.

And finally, the last straw, I realized that my intense and passionate personality may be what has so many people from my past choosing friendship rather than intimacy with me. Foolishly I created hope, that I could get a few things going with people from my past and kindle some new possibilities. But, as it turns out it wasn’t just bad timing. It was in fact, that the interest just wasn’t/isn’t there. In the last decade, I have been able to pursue anything that I wanted. The fact that I held, and that they held off means something. And well, I just didn’t want to see all these things at the same time.

So, when I went to sleep last night, my brain did the one thing it could. It showed me the most basic form of human intimacy, and the reality of what I am missing. Hope. It put all the things that I couldn’t process together. A touch rarely leads to anything more than just a hug, but maybe just maybe one in the future will absolutely rock me, and spark that passion. For now, I just have to live each day for the moment it is, knowing that it will all start when we can touch again.

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Making an Honest Woman Out of Me

Black rings are so sexy!

When I first used this phrase in this 2012 post, it was akin to its original meaning, whereby I was told that getting married was the only way to make an honest woman out of “me”.  Well, I am here to celebrate the fact that I am honest woman, I am not married, and, are you ready for the actual bombshell here?  I am very attracted to married men/people.  I have been reluctant to admit this for a while, because I have worried about being called a homewrecker, or having friends of mine worry that I am trying to steal their husbands, or worse, the entire post I needed to write because apparently being married should mean you may never flirt again!

The thing about it is, I believe in ethical non-monogamy.  So when I meet a person who is married, and they are willing to chat with me about open relationships, ask intelligent questions, and then show me even the slightest bit of humanity I swoon!  I cannot help it.  Everyone has a type and this one seems to be mine. 

I can only describe the feeling as “safe” or even secure, when I chat/flirt with someone who is married. Further, I just find it super attractive that they are willing to settle down.  I love the family man as someone to flirt with, have some fun, and just basically get those incredible butterfly feelings.  The other aspect is that a married person typically puts zero pressure on you. Why? They have nothing to lose, as no matter what they have someone amazing to go home to. So, it can be far more relaxing and organic if you will.

Now, if you want to me lay down on a couch and bear out my soul and delve deeper in the psychology of the married man and why I find them so easy to let my guard down with, it is probably because in my long-term relationships I choose men who are not looking to get married.  I find people who believe in autonomy and self confidence, and all the things that I strive for (and if I am honest have been failing at hard core these days).  But back on point, my long-term men are stubborn, self assured people with whom I have never chosen because one day I will get my fairy tale ending and be swept off my feet. The long term attraction is something very different, it’s chemical, and more often than not it gets my little heart hurt.

So knowing that dichotomy of what I choose for myself long term, versus what I fantasize about in the short term (or longer if that’s possible and we can get the wife and my partner and… OK, I need a moment here) is again, dare I say, swoon worthy for me.

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Now of course, at this point I need to mention that this can be very dangerous territory.  My partner and I have dated a few married couples and I think we are sitting around the 50% mark for them getting divorced.  And while I won’t go into any details here, the overall theme, in its most simple, base form, is that they got into non-monogamy to save their marriages and it failed.  Nothing to do with us.  But that does make the waters a little murky.  I don’t want to be a homewrecker.  I don’t want to put a strain on anyone else’s relationship, and I want to be free to explore and build something awesome without the fear of ruining what already could be an amazing thing.  And that really makes this tricky.  I am leery when I see couples fighting or not showing respect for each other when they are out in public, or not fully in love with each other.  I want to expand on the love, add something beautiful, or hot to it.  NOT be that person who is a catalyst to the end.

At this point, I am going to say flat out, I do not want to be messaged for threesomes.  I am not looking to be a third wheel, a unicorn, or anything of the sort. For myself, I find relationships in even numbers much easier to navigate, and by that I mean pairs, foursomes, or moresomes. In fact, I will say, I am not soliciting for anyone to reach out to me for relationships or hookups.  It is not what I am looking for right now, I am simply celebrating the fact that I can be open with digging the married men that I have met.  Making an honest woman of me has nothing to do with the antiquated belief that I need to be married to be whole.  Nope, nadda.  Instead I need partnerships, and to admit that I love married people, who also believe in ethical non-monogamy is one of the more bold statements I have made of late, and I look forward to what adventures this new realization may bring when I am ready!

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Lowering Standards: A Clarification

I want to elaborate on a comment I made in my last post, whereby I said that I lowered my standards when looking for couples.  While I standby my statement, I do feel that it needs a little more elaboration, especially if any couples that we date should happen to stumble upon my little blog.  As I said, I stand by that statement and the reason for that is this, when dating as a couple, you need to take your partners wants and needs into consideration and not just your own.  For example, I love tall men, and I will outright dismiss any male who is shorter than me or of equal height.  That is my solo dating standard and is non negotiable, as a couple though, I am much more open.

 As a couple dating, those “non negotiable” becomes less important.  I am not looking for that male who looks amazing standing beside me, will someday father my children, and other necessary genetic traits for my long term happiness.  Instead, it becomes more of a “we” thing.  And together we are looking for awesome personality, fun and full of adventurous or engaging stories.  We can broaden our horizons and turn a blind eye to certain main partner prerequisites because these individuals and couples are more accurately bonuses in our lives.

Does that sound strange?  Perhaps, but honestly, that’s how it feels.  These individuals are spice, and fun, and extra amazing additions to our lives.  They do not have to encompass every single preferred trait, rather they are the people we get to explore and broaden our horizons with.  So the statement that I have lowered my standards may have come across as harsh, but it remains true.  My standards for dating as a couple are much more relaxed and after much conversation with my partner I am becoming ok with admitting that. 

The harsh part of the statement that may have been inferred on first reading, is that it is hard for me to relax my stringent criteria for what I find attractive.  So I have been trying to take a deep breath and take in the whole person rather than jumping to my immediate nopes.  And what makes that process more rewarding is that look in my partners eyes when he finds something or someone besides me sexy.  He gets this twinkle of excitement, and it almost always comes back full circle for me.  A little spice on the side results in me getting nearly twice as much affection shortly after.  It is an intensity that is very difficult to describe if you have not experienced it for yourself.  When there is no guilt associated with getting spice, flirting and finding new people, your expression of passion for your main partner nearly explodes.  It is a sensation that throws you in a moment that you almost never want to end.  That place where you appreciate who you are with for that second, moment and life in a deep and powerful way. 


I wrote early on in my blog about chasing butterflies.  And that’s the rub, you just cannot get that butterfly feeling with someone that you know so completely.  What you can get though, is butterflies with someone new, and then full complete passion and love with that person you will spend the rest of your life with.  No terrible crash after the butterflies, no apprehension or nervousness, or insecure feelings.  The beautiful tummy flip of adrenaline, followed by the fullness of love and complete satisfaction by someone who knows every nook and cranny of your body and soul.   It is so difficult to paint properly the picture of emotions that make my life complete when I am able to share all these experiences with my partner.  I know I am not doing it near enough justice, so all I can do is close my eyes, and try to write out the near perfect feeling of being able to have my cake and eat it too.  To have found a relationship norm that includes butterflies, and deep, stable passion all in one day with nothing artificial.  That deep yearning to be loved for everything you are, with a delightful mix, of getting to meet someone new, and the tease of new adventures.  And to do all of this in the open, with love and support.  This is why I blog, this is the purpose of sharing with all my dear readers.  I cannot keep to myself this most perfect relationship standard that enhance my life so perfectly.  I am truly blessed and complete in my emotional needs and wants.  This is my true love.