Category: Cheating

Intent Matters… Then and Now

    K Ghislaine

My boyfriend has been off on a work trip for the past few days, and will finally be driving home to me today. As I prepare the house for his joyous return, I am struck by some hard truths from my past, the then and now of it all, and the realization of just how important intent is to a situation. And of course, how lucky I am to have this incredible man in my life!

As I strip the bed in preparation for new fresh sheets, I know I am doing this out of love. There is something so magical about coming home to fresh sheets, and with our two shedding dogs this is a luxury we are rarely afforded. But as I do this, a memory flashes, of a time and a relationship where fresh sheets meant betrayal, secrecy, and infidelity. The man of my past told me that I was lucky that he respected me so much that he would change the sheets for my arrival. And it became somewhat of a game, to see if I was getting fresh sheets on my visit or not. I mean, not a fun game, more of a horror style game where things jump out at you, and trap you, but still a game.

When the sheets stopped getting changed every visit I knew I had won. My place was set, and my bed was rarely made again. It was a victory, and one that I was empowered by. The intent of changing sheets for the love of my life, is one of pride, and tenderness. Maybe he doesn’t care about fresh sheets, but it’s the thought that matters. I care enough to try. But there is this nagging little voice, that wonders if he is ever suspicious of my motivations. If he ever wonders why I do it, because perhaps in one of his previous relationships he was sheet changer, or had sheets changed for him due to nefarious reasons.

These are the thoughts I try to shut out. I openly share with him my past, and hope that one day, I can leave all the trauma behind me. But unfortunately it takes times, and often posts like this, or the one I wrote on Medium recently about Safe Words. Writing out the differences between then and now. Slowly unpacking intent versus love, and separating the two lives from each other. I am happy, with a relationship built on love, and respect. We have trust in each other and real honesty. And the truth is, I will race to tell him why I changed the sheets, just to be sure and clear of my intent and purpose. I work diligently to make sure he never has to worry, because I know what a relationship of worry and suspicion looks like. I know what it feels like, and no one deserves that…EVER!

Don’t forget to join me on Patreon for behind the scenes pictures, and bonus content! Or just share, like, and comment wherever you read this post, because, yes, I love hearing from you all 🙂

Taking a Hard Look at Myself…

    K Ghislaine

When I was writing my last medium article about Being the Other Partner , I wrote a paragraph on being the other woman myself. I thought I was being honest, but when I went back to edit the piece, I realized that I had in fact written something that was so harsh and critical that it skewed the whole thing. And I began to cry, realizing just how often I have been doing this. In an effort to be accountable and take a long hard look at myself, I have crossed the line of honesty, into a much darker place, whereby I feel like the villain. I did remove the paragraph after I pulled myself together, and what I created I am proud of, well, as proud as I ever let myself be of my writing. Sometimes I think it’s easier to celebrate that I did a thing, versus actually believing that my words have any impact or meaning. Frick, look, I’ve done it again.

For those wondering, well, I wrote that I had a huge relationship regret, that I should have known better, and been smarter and that I feel terrible that I was basically a mistress. I came down hard on myself for not just saying no, and well, the truth is, there is not a whole lot more to the story. Then I created this whole big thing in my head, that truthfully, just wasn’t that doom and gloom. I know the difference, and I have had true hardships and relationship disasters, but my brain, well, it just really wanted me to feel bad about something that I didn’t need to feel bad about. I had a FWB that was always filled with consent, on both sides, and there is no guilt. But, maybe I wanted to feel guilt? I honestly don’t know.

Why, am I my biggest critic these days? I mean, it’s not like I am lacking in the professional rejection department, with my fastest responses record yet for pitching my last book. All no’s so far, if anyone was getting hopeful. So rejection is there. And my body, well, you all know how well, or not well that whole department is going. If not, read pretty much anything from last year and you’ll be caught up. Maybe it’s because I have so much rejection surrounding me, that I’ve somehow become comfortable with it?

You know that person who is always negative, and that is their feedback loop? Negativity breeds more negativity and thus they pretty much create more of it? Living a turbulent and difficult life because that’s what they know and perhaps even feel that they deserve… but I know better. And in person, aside from being a little closer to tears from time to time, I really am happy. In fact, my life has never been better. And yet, what I write, is focused on the dark side.

More and more, I feel like I have to journal, let it out, before I can get down to work. Or do something fun like a sexy photo shoot for Patreon, or just be creative. For the first time in probably 15 years, I broke down sobbing, wishing I could get a hug from my mom. Our relationship is beyond complicated, and I don’t want to open up to her when I’m feeling this vulnerable, but the thought was there. Then I cried some more, took a hot bath, and then was able to get some work done on my next book. The hurdles to get there though, ooph that took a lot out of me.

Maybe it’s the time of year. Losing daylight, feeling the pressures of the impending holiday season, and of course an ever perilous family dynamic, with the loneliness of knowing it’s the first Christmas without my grandfather. These are all real, rational things to take up a little extra space in my brain. But I earnestly wish they would all just fuck off for a little bit, so I can just sit in my happy, and creative bubble. I want to be filled with joy, laughter, and all the amazing things that I know are around me. Life is pretty magical. Why then, do the written words betray me? Why are they tricking me into writing the doom and gloom prior to the happy, and love filled place I actually am in? I truly have so much gratitude for where I am at, now I just need to convince those typing fingers of mine to start relaying the same message!

Stampede Cheating and Slut Shaming

    K Ghislaine

Wow, here I thought I wouldn’t be writing about Stampede this year, and that scandal had passed us by.  Looks like I was wrong.  As I was listening to the radio, on my way to do some book I writing I heard the tale.  Today, there was a woman standing on a very busy street corner, with a cardboard signing that read “I cheated on my boyfriend at Stampede this is my punishment”.  The woman was dressed in oversized clothes, a hat is covering her eyes, and the sign blocks most of her.  Obviously, I have some thoughts. 

I try very hard not to make an knee jerk reaction until I can find out as many facts as I possibly can.  Was this a stunt for publicity?  Was this simply attention seeking behaviour for a little fame?  Was this, perhaps, just a dare or a bet?  The skeptic in me asks as I delve into the research.  And then, I realized, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is the public reaction to this woman, standing on the corner, obviously hiding as much of herself as possible.  Whatever the motivations behind, in that moment, she projects shame, and guilt.  The word cheated is underlined.  The busy street corner catches commuter on their way to work.  This is a statement that impacts an incredibly large amount of people.  And the comment section on Reddit did its very best to show pretty much every possible reaction to this incident. 

The rallying cries of foul are plenty.  Slut shaming at it’s finest.  The cynics call say it is all a rouse to get her out of the house to pack up her stuff, and change the locks.  And whatever the fallout is as a result, one thing is clear, this is that particular relationships price of admission.  You cheat, you are shamed and humiliated.  Agree with it or not, public airing of the dirtiest of laundry has occurred. 

In my true balanced nature I ask you to pretend that this was a male standing on the street corner instead of a female.  My gut reaction is that if it was a male, he would be in physical danger.  I truly believe that people would be throwing things at him, sneering, and the temptation to “nudge” him with their vehicle would be strong.  Whether the same risks existed for the female are not initially clear, I do believe that we have a stronger opinion to a female cheating in hindsight, and a stronger physical urge to act when it comes to a male.  If you find out a male has cheated, you want to slap them or kick them in the nuts.  You have a physical urge to even the playing field.  With women, it’s different.  We are cruel.  We use words like slut, and whore, and all sorts of vile sneers and snickers. 

NoMoreWetSpot.com
(affiliate link for an incredible camping and of course easy cleanup sex blanket fueling this blog)

I wrote about the differences in our societal reactions between males and females cheating in this post, and while it did not make me popular with the female in question, I think it still holds water.   We have a clear gender bias when it comes to cheating.  Take for example the Stampede slut a few years back.  She was a woman who basically had to own the sexual act and capitalize on it rather than become swallowed up in the scorn and shame.  No one asks about the men in question, and there were two in the act, and one filming, so I guess 3 technically.  Did they lose their jobs?  Were they all single?  What level of societal shame did we place on them?  Oh, that’s right, they were opportunistic males.  So they got a pass.  She took fame by the horns, and they just slipped quietly into the night.  The same is true for the person this woman cheated with.  His picture is not on the cardboard sign, he is not standing with her in solidarity, he is nowhere to be found (if it is a he, which I assume, only because a female to female cheating scenario would have received a jovial hi five and entered into the spank bank).  

I think we all can agree that this relationship is doomed.  Tit for tat relationships are not sustainable.  Public shaming is something we do not as a society accept.  We believe we have evolved beyond the Roman games at the coliseum.  Slut shaming is not something we should be proud to do in a public forum.  And make no mistake, that is exactly what this boyfriend is doing to his girlfriend.  He has brought her shame out into the limelight, and that is deplorable.  There is no balance in that behaviour, and the relationship will not survive. 

Want to see more pictures, get access to audio (coming soon), and help fuel this blog? Please subscribe to my Patreon!

Making an Honest Woman Out of Me

    K Ghislaine
Black rings are so sexy!

When I first used this phrase in this 2012 post, it was akin to its original meaning, whereby I was told that getting married was the only way to make an honest woman out of “me”.  Well, I am here to celebrate the fact that I am honest woman, I am not married, and, are you ready for the actual bombshell here?  I am very attracted to married men/people.  I have been reluctant to admit this for a while, because I have worried about being called a homewrecker, or having friends of mine worry that I am trying to steal their husbands, or worse, the entire post I needed to write because apparently being married should mean you may never flirt again!

The thing about it is, I believe in ethical non-monogamy.  So when I meet a person who is married, and they are willing to chat with me about open relationships, ask intelligent questions, and then show me even the slightest bit of humanity I swoon!  I cannot help it.  Everyone has a type and this one seems to be mine. 

I can only describe the feeling as “safe” or even secure, when I chat/flirt with someone who is married. Further, I just find it super attractive that they are willing to settle down.  I love the family man as someone to flirt with, have some fun, and just basically get those incredible butterfly feelings.  The other aspect is that a married person typically puts zero pressure on you. Why? They have nothing to lose, as no matter what they have someone amazing to go home to. So, it can be far more relaxing and organic if you will.

Now, if you want to me lay down on a couch and bear out my soul and delve deeper in the psychology of the married man and why I find them so easy to let my guard down with, it is probably because in my long-term relationships I choose men who are not looking to get married.  I find people who believe in autonomy and self confidence, and all the things that I strive for (and if I am honest have been failing at hard core these days).  But back on point, my long-term men are stubborn, self assured people with whom I have never chosen because one day I will get my fairy tale ending and be swept off my feet. The long term attraction is something very different, it’s chemical, and more often than not it gets my little heart hurt.

So knowing that dichotomy of what I choose for myself long term, versus what I fantasize about in the short term (or longer if that’s possible and we can get the wife and my partner and… OK, I need a moment here) is again, dare I say, swoon worthy for me.

Sign up today to start earning us both a few extra dollars by taking real surveys that impact the products you love!

Now of course, at this point I need to mention that this can be very dangerous territory.  My partner and I have dated a few married couples and I think we are sitting around the 50% mark for them getting divorced.  And while I won’t go into any details here, the overall theme, in its most simple, base form, is that they got into non-monogamy to save their marriages and it failed.  Nothing to do with us.  But that does make the waters a little murky.  I don’t want to be a homewrecker.  I don’t want to put a strain on anyone else’s relationship, and I want to be free to explore and build something awesome without the fear of ruining what already could be an amazing thing.  And that really makes this tricky.  I am leery when I see couples fighting or not showing respect for each other when they are out in public, or not fully in love with each other.  I want to expand on the love, add something beautiful, or hot to it.  NOT be that person who is a catalyst to the end.

At this point, I am going to say flat out, I do not want to be messaged for threesomes.  I am not looking to be a third wheel, a unicorn, or anything of the sort. For myself, I find relationships in even numbers much easier to navigate, and by that I mean pairs, foursomes, or moresomes. In fact, I will say, I am not soliciting for anyone to reach out to me for relationships or hookups.  It is not what I am looking for right now, I am simply celebrating the fact that I can be open with digging the married men that I have met.  Making an honest woman of me has nothing to do with the antiquated belief that I need to be married to be whole.  Nope, nadda.  Instead I need partnerships, and to admit that I love married people, who also believe in ethical non-monogamy is one of the more bold statements I have made of late, and I look forward to what adventures this new realization may bring when I am ready!

If you loved this post, and want to support my little blog, why not check out my Patreon? There may be a behind the scenes picture or two waiting for you…

Cheaters and Monogamy

    K Ghislaine

Another Chapter in my Defining Monogamy Series

Cheaters and Monogamy


In my last post, defining monogamy, I compared how lenient we are will infidelity in the animal kingdom when compared with the strict social constraints that we have within our human species.  Now for a little bit of social fun, I created this little poll:

When I asked people on twitter if they would label a person who cheats as monogamous, non-monogamous, or other, it was instantly apparent that anyone could cheat and that the label of monogamy was just not valid.  And I agree with this entirely.  The reason I asked the question was to prove something that has always bugged me, non-monogamous people often get labelled as cheaters.  You can discuss ethical non-monogamy till you’re blue in the face, but there will always be someone who says that if you cannot be faithful to one person then you are not with the right person and you should leave.  Or that non-monogamy is just an excuse to get some strange and that you really are just a cheater or unfaithful at heart.  The whole negative pushback is real, especially in the real world, which is why so many of us hide it.  There are a multitude of people who, no matter what, will call anyone who is anywhere on the non-monogamous spectrum a cheater.

And this is a huge problem for me.  As Dr. Liz Powell tweeted “People who are monogamous or non-monogamous can all cheat.  Cheating doesn’t define your relationship structure”.  And this is the rub, cheating doesn’t define your relationship structure, but if you cheat, then you are no longer monogamous.  You are outed from that exclusive club.  Well, that is what is indicated by the above poll anyways.  Again, we are so quick to shout that if you cheat then you are not monogamous.  But how many cheaters still call themselves monogamous?  I would hazard to say most do.  They don’t want to label themselves in the category of non-monogamy just because they had an indiscretion.  That would almost be more than they could handle.  They must keep working to remain monogamous, and learn to overcome the mistake that they made.

I am always fascinated by inconsistencies in our society.  And in this case, hypocrisy is king.  Is it a common held belief that to own that you may not be monogamous could be worse somehow than admitting that you cheat?  Are there that many people out there terrified of a little self-reflection?  Is it true of our society that cheating is almost an accepted action, but non-monogamy is still the big bad taboo?  That we are evil outliers who are just having rampant orgies and sullying the sanctity of our bodies by sharing them with more than one person?

Let’s be honest here, if you are reading this post you are probably an enlightened sex positive individual, and I don’t make that statement to brag about me.  Instead, I am actually trying to give you a compliment.  You have taken the time to research something that you were probably not raised to believe, and you are now thinking outside of the box when it comes to your own monogamous upbringing.  Wherever you land on the monogamous or non-monogamous spectrum is irrelevant at this point, because you have already asked the first question in regards to something most people take for granted, that everyone in our society is monogamous.

Now, to show a balanced view, I had one person mention that non-monogamous doesn’t imply cheater (thanks @justinaaverydc) but I think he is in the minority.  Yes, on my filtered, sex positive twitter, many of us understand this.  But in the real world?  Nope.  In the real world, we for some reason are lumped in with the cheaters.  And in fact, I can shout ethical non-monogamy rhetoric until I am hoarse and still will get blank looks and snide comments that I am a whore.  Or someone who is unfaithful, with disbelief that my partner would let me sleep with other people.  This is part of the reason I no longer date single men, but that is a whole other topic.

NoMoreWetSpot.com
Did you know clicking on this link will lead you to an amazing product and help fuel the overhead for this blog?

Now at this point, I would like you to keep in mind how easy a subject like this is to talk about.  We all have first hand experience with cheaters so we can talk at length about what our society feels is the correct thing to do with them.  But I ask again, if you cheat, does that automatically make you non-monogamous?  Why would we, on that end of the spectrum have to include cheaters as part of our subset?  Is it fair that they are automatically relegated to our spectrum simply because those in monogamous land don’t have room for them?  Are cheaters by definition non-monogamous?  It’s a two- way street here.  And it brings biases out, the whole which is worse? being a cheater or being non-monogamous with such labels as philanderer, slut, easy, and the list goes on and on and on…

So, I leave you with this one question, if you have ever cheated, do you still consider yourself monogamous?  At the end of the day, it may only be your label that matters.

As usual, I have posted a few sexy, behind the scenes photo’s on my Patreon!  Enjoy!