Temptations in the Married or Already Committed Man

I am prefacing this blog topic with a little disclaimer, and that is to say, this has been a topic I have wanted to write about for quite some time.  However I must be truthful in that a few recent events have given me a significantly clearer perspective on how was I going to go about sharing some things that I have learned on the subject in question. 
Married men are a real temptation for a lot of us in the female variety.   And from the few men whom have opened up to me on the subject, this can be a two way street.  These already committed men represent a desire for stability and security in that they have already attained and committed which is what many single girls actually desire.  They have the ability to fall in love, to get married, to start a family which is a huge turn-on for many of us.  As well there is a level of misguided security that states we can be who we are without fear of judgement because this guy is safe.  When we allow ourselves to be this honest and open, we actually in most cases become more attractive to the married man.  Why is that?  Because here is a woman who can be honest, impulsive, and real.  The woman to whom they are married too may no longer be able or willing to do that. 
On the flip side, the man may be attracted to the challenge.  The thrill of the hunt and exploring that forbidden fruit that he knows he should not taste.  Some other man has determined that this woman is desirable enough to marry and therefore should not be overlooked.  There is a competitive strategy to going after an already desirable woman, which we see in the primate community on a regular basis.  A baser instinct that drives a sexual passion in the males, and to a lesser known or admitted extent, the female.
Here is my insight into this though, the trial and error that I myself have witnessed and learned first- hand or avoided learning which may be a more accurate statement.  I recognize in myself the extreme competitive nature that drives me towards many things in life.  I want to be recognized for being intelligent, attractive, fit and most of all, a genuinely good and sound person.  With that being said, sometimes the temptation exists to see if I can actually get that man who is for all intents and purposes unattainable.  Now I in no way am stating that I have acted on these feelings, but I do recognize that they exist and part of me understands that is why having an open relationship made so much sense to me.  The thrill of the seduction is so amazing, that it would take an incredible guy to allow me to seduce and chase him over and over again to obtain the same or similar rush.
Many men I know, who are confident, good looking or charismatic will say that when they pursue a female that the ring just doesn’t matter on the woman.  The odd thing about that is, if I don’t want to be hit on, I will wear a ring to show men that I am unavailable.  So the colliding impact of the two behaviors can definitely lead to some trouble down the road.  I rationally know that temptation exists and the added level of attraction towards a man who has proven he is willing to commit.  Hence why, I know myself well enough to avoid any and all temptation in this realm.  At the very least though I will always have my fantasies.

Intuition and My Notes to Me

So this morning I was going back through my pages upon pages of random thoughts that I have taken note of for my blog.  I was not feeling really motivated to write and was trying to drum up a few ideas to run with.  And guess what I found?  Little notes and quotes here and there, that for some strange reason chronologically depicted and foretold of my breakup.  Of course I don’t conclude that I knew it was going to happen, or that the signs were there.  But it is interesting how I jotted down little fragments of the best and the worst and the summation is all there for my reflection. 
One of my favorite things he said to me, was that he was looking for someone who can get anything and chooses to stay with him, just as he knew he could get anyone and chose to stay with that person.  I am paraphrasing of course but truly this was such an empowering statement for me.  I felt like a million bucks to hear it, but I am not sure it was ever quite meant for me.  But it was a nice reminder to see the note I left for myself regarding it.  I think it may be a mantra that I adopt for life.  There is true honesty to not settling and being with someone without any obligation, just love.
I also wrote a little note about a girl that he texted that I just never quite trusted.  And it turns out that the lack of trust created a vicious cycle that ended up in me getting cheated on for the first time in my life.  I know I have been asked how in an open relationship cheating is possible, and well let me just say it most definitely is.  You see, part of my standard is honesty.  And key to this is the openness of telling the other partner after you have slept with someone.  So if you tell your partner 6 months after the fact once you are already breaking up, the result is cheating in my mind.  That is a severed trust, that I am not sure can be rebuilt over night.  However I will say, that I did take partial blame for that one which sounds strange.  I take responsibility for pre judging this woman, and not ensuring that there was a safe and loving place with which I could openly receive the news about this sexual encounter.  But it was a self fulling prophecy in that I didn’t trust her, and thus it lead to me losing trust in my man, which lost trust in the relationship.
I wrote some little notes about tricks to staying sexy and confident during times of challenges and struggles which I hope will progress into a well received story.  But for right now, it put a great smile on my face.  And I am looking forward to putting the advice I gave to myself into practice in the dating world.  The next chapter in my life is upon me.  My intuition is usually very accurate, however I don’t think I would have changed a thing.  These lessons learned are more valuable to me than losing a few tears for their cause.  I know that I turned a blind eye to many a questionable action, but I promised myself I would experience giving myself to love.  And I did, and I loved it.  

Dating: The How To… Online

I received a comment from dating, how to, and I realized that this needed a full blog.  I really love feedback and your comments.  It keeps my writing current and hopefully you the reader coming back to this site or maybe even bookmarking it as a favorite?  So onwards for the topic of internet dating and meeting people from the cyber land in person for the first time.  I have dated, met friends, and my current boyfriend all via the online world of internet dating.  I fully endorse this system of getting out there as an amazing tool if used correctly and I will elaborate on that shortly.  For this blog I have also sourced out some questions to a man who almost made a full time job of the online dating scene to ensure that the information provided will work for both sexes.

So first and foremost, breath, and relax.  I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but when I found myself single and very alone, it was my mom who suggested the online world.  I took her advice, poured myself a glass of wine and began to create my online profile.  I’m not sure if it was to booze or the nerves of putting myself into the online world of dating but suffice to say I learned a lot about myself.  I followed the structure that the dating site provided, answered all questions and uploaded a couple of photos.  Within a week I deleted the profile!  The main reason being is that the stuff I wrote about myself, based on the responses from the guys online, just wasn’t who I really was.  Which brings me to a really critical point about the online world, it is so easy to write a profile depicting the person you think you are or want to be.  And this is exactly what I had inadvertently done.

In the back of my mind I knew I couldn’t be objective about who I was, and I needed to figure out a few things.  I began to write a bit and really figure out what makes me me.  Two and a half weeks later I re wrote a profile and gave it another shot.  When I was able to write objectively and keep in mind that these are men I potentially want to meet I was more honest and upfront.  I know I stretched the truth in my first profile, so I am sympathetic with those who want to write about themselves in the best light possible.  But I would really recommend writing about the good and truthful attributes that make you so special and sexy to a possible mate, and just keep the rest to yourself.  No use lying as it’s a dead end when you meet in person.

Next step is to have fun.  Possibly a harder one to do as the temptation to keep it really serious and find that soulmate can be very strong. But here’s the reality, you will not and I quote here, “hit a home run the first time you get out there”.  Online dating is a very specific skill set and it takes a bit of practice.  If you take it too seriously you will sink, you will get frustrated and you will not want to ever tell anyone that you met your partner online.  It’s fun going through photos and checking out profiles, so don’t kid yourself.  It’s a great invention this online dating pool, as you get a photo and a few written words or a predefined survey that the anonymous person has filled out.  Are they a smoker? do they have kids? a car? and the list goes on.  These questions are things that you don’t get to ask on a first date or in a bar, so there is an element that makes it easier to weed out people.  There are many tools built into this online system that if used correctly and in a fun way can give you some great experiences.

I’m going to give a few tips that helped me out and I hope will be valuable to someone out there too.  I firmly believe that an online dating site is like a great sorting hat.  That being said it’s remarkably easy to sway and get swayed buy the written word.  One of the systems I implemented for myself was not to write back and forth more than a few times before setting up a meeting in person.  It is very easy to idealize an only person that you seem to click with over the net.  The studies have shown that there is a very specific chemistry that either occurs or just doesn’t in a first time meeting.  It sucks when you have invested a month chatting with someone, you really feel that everything clicks, and then you meet, and bleh!  There is just nothing there.  And believe me this happened so freaking often to me that it prompted this meeting rule.

This goes hand in hand with a point that my “expert” mentioned which is that you can use this opportunity to meet new people.  Keep the online sweet and simple, use it as a filtering tool.  As well it was recommended to meet all sorts of people. especially those that you may not normally seek out.  I have met a few people online, that when we got together there was no chemistry, but still there was something awesome about them that made us continue a great friendship.  If you are having fun, you open the doors to new experiences and get to experience new people.  Plus if you are having fun with it, making mistakes is not so costly.  And guess what?  There are a tonne of mistakes to be made when meeting a person for the first time under these circumstances. 

Because of this some safeguards should be in place, especially for the female variety.  I always told a friend the time and location of each person I was meeting.  I even went so far as to have them on the phone while I waited for the guy to show up.  This ensured that if it was a total creep or I felt uncomfortable I had an very easy out.  Of course public places are a must.  This next tip is good to keep in mind both with the first meeting and the first date, and that is that for all Internets and purposes this is a total stranger.  Do not be afraid to walk away if they have outright lied about their appearance.  Who knows what else they could be lying about.  This warning is a bit dire, however safety is something to always consider and there is truth to online predators.

The last point as brought up by the comment that sparked this blog is about facebook and social media.  Learn from past mistakes and don’t give out your facebook information.  This is a total stranger and these sites are for friends or family.  You open yourself up to a whole heap of uncomfortable outcomes by letting this person have access to your life in this way.  A few examples of why I don’t encourage this sharing of information are as follows.  You are granting the person access to your information, even as simple as the way your friends interact with you online, this person is not a friend at this point.  Also you are giving the person permission to perceive you in a way that may not be the way you really are or as people who have known you for years do.  This goes hand in hand with not sending more than a few emails before meeting.  Its very easy to get sucked into reading into pictures or comments of a person you barely know, and projecting your own experiences into their online memories.  Very creepy, and of course this can lead directly into stalking of you or your friends. 

On that note, have fun firstly.  Be safe and enjoy the experience of meeting all these new people.  Of course if you meet a creep or have the worst date ever, write it down, or share it with your friends.  Look back on the adventure with as much fondness as you can, because you made it fun. Your life has new people in it because of this online world of dating.

My Dreams… Underlying Non Monogamy Fears

I am a very vivid dreamer.  I have been as long as I can remember, and I can usually pick a topic or a theme and fall asleep to those images.  My personal version of meditation, as my mind wanders from that point to whatever result I wake up remembering.  Unfortunately last night my dreams decided to explore the fears I have about not living in monogamy.

So I decided that perhaps I was not alone in these fears and maybe other readers have questions and are dealing with similar things.  Or that maybe they were living in monogamy and had a partner with infidelities that they are trying to work through.  Of course I have already mentioned in a previous blog about physical safety to prevent against STD’s and STI’s.  But there is the emotional and the human level too, especially for women.

One fear that I have, is running into a female that my partner has recently slept with.  This is a huge one for me and there are so many scenarios that can play out with this especially if the female has developed feelings.  To me this scares me the most because two females under stress can erupt into a volatile situation pretty darn quickly.  Open communication with a partner is so invaluable in this situation.  Personally I ask for the first name of any female he has slept with.  This builds huge trust as well as gives me at least a bit of second should this ever occur.  As well he explains the situation to the female as best he can to help with the female developing feelings.  Still dreams of the bitch fight and slap fest that occurred last night are enough to give my psyche a little jolt.

If a partner is not open and lies when sleeping with someone else, well, the likely hood of unnecessary drama is far too high in my books.  There is almost a comfort in knowing that the man I am with is going to be a man, do what men do, but be honest and safe with me.  Also that him being a man and sleeping with the occasional woman does not mean that he cares any less for me or that we are over.

A man, confident in who he is, is more sexy than a man who has been emasculated by a female or societal norms.  This is an argument that I have made more times than not over the past year, and I am sure will continue to have in my path.  A man reduced to lying, and losing his family over more than just the indiscretion, but now the mistrust and pain he caused by keeping it a secret and not just maning up?  A woman will always find out, we are very very good at that.  Give many of us a day or two to process and we can be quite reasonable too.  Back us into a corner and let our emotions come flooding out?  Seems like a pretty dangerous and relationship ending move to me.  Respect your partner and keep honesty at the forefront wherever possible and I am sure the divorce rate would start to go down.

Religion’s First Impact on Me

When I was a little girl, the idea of hell was a very scary place, and I was directed to pray each night before I went to bed.  I tried very hard to be a good Christian when I was entered into the Catholic school system at the age of 8.  As I grew up I was given every opportunity to ask questions, read any book I wanted, and ultimately given freedom with my personal spirituality.

When I was 14, I openly became agnostic, which evolved to atheism as a late teenager.  As an atheist religion has always been a secret fascination of mine.  I first read ” A Skeleton in God’s Closet” when I was in high school which just blew my mind.  Although it was fiction, it had an unsettling way of ending right where it should have began, it ended with religion being the only answer and all the evidence that riveted me to the contrary in the elaborate hoax.  I realize it is a very cut and dry summation but its meaningful also because it is the last fictional book that I have purchased. This book had such a major impact on the reading material I have chosen from there on in.

As well there are some amazing writers out there who have opened my eyes to the possibility that what the faithful wanted to be a hoax, in the novel above, could actually be a reality.  For example, “The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail”, which predates any of the fiction that Dan Brown has written.  I truly am of the opinion that each book you read leaves a little bit inside that shapes your reality going forward. I want to be shaped by factual research and well written material and not some dribble about vampires or wizards.

Once I switched to non-fiction the pieces of the puzzle which religion tried to answer for me, were finally answered, by the ironic lack of it.  As a girl trying to be the best Christian I could, I was always trying to please this invisible being. I was constantly seeking signs and reassurances that I was on the correct path in life.  I would find signs in nature, my food, the weather, really anything.  The weird thing was when religion was finally absent from my life, I realized that the only person I needed to please was me.  The idea that I am the only judge and jury of how I live my life, and how I appear to the people I surround myself with has been my own personal salvation.

Religion has caused incredible harm, and bloodshed throughout our history, but unless we research and learn from our past mistakes we are doomed to repeat this cycle and raise children who do not look to themselves or their parents for answers, but rather turn to some invisible being.  I know who I want to raise my children, and it is not the voices in their heads or some pious male preaching at church.  Making mistakes is not sin, it is part of being human, what you learn from those mistakes is the real value to your humanity.