Category: Couples

A Post of Gratitude…

    K Ghislaine

*** This article has affiliate links, and no, there is no pressure to buy anything, but you definitely could and I would be super grateful or you could just read on and enjoy my work or check out my Patreon***

Every time I do a 30 day sex positive challenge I think to myself, wow, why don’t I do one of these all the time? And then I remember the amount of work that goes into it, and go, oh right, I don’t get paid. Haha. Yes, eating is important. But so is sex, and information to sex health, education, and resources. But enough about things you already know as a frequent reader of my work, let me delve into something new… well new for me.

A few months ago, I received an email from a guy who was developing a Couple’s Sex Quiz and had an affiliate program that he wanted me to be a part of. I receive affiliate opportunities quite often, so I did what I always do, and applied my due diligence to see if this was something I wanted to represent. If you’ve read my 30 day challenge blog post, you’ll know that I indeed said yes, because it was absolutely on brand for me, and I really enjoyed taking the quiz myself. Fine, nothing really new here, but then, I received a follow up e-mail, that hit me right in the feels: They wrote a blog post… about me!

I have been blogging for 15 years, and have written in various publications, and of course there is the book pitching which I have painstakingly worked on for over a year now. In these roles, I am often asked to write bios, or little blurbs on myself, sometimes even writing full pages of credentials and “who am I” prompts. It honestly, is the most difficult part of being a writer. It feels like selling myself, in order to get people interested in the words I write… about myself. Just one full cycle of vulnerability. But then, to read another person’s take on me, a person they have never met? Well, it was a bunch… of feelings.

You’re welcome to read the post yourself, which you can read at the bottom of their site if you go to blogs (mine is right at the top). And while it was lovely, humbling, and so complimentary it was the first time someone has written a blog post about me. Yes, I’ve had a few introductions over the years, mostly prompted from something I had to draft for them, but this was different. It was a complete surprise and it reminded me just how wonderful it feels to be appreciated. Further, it was a beautiful reminder that words matter. Intention is important, and finally, and most importantly how incredible it is to be lifted up by someone else. And that, is what I want to impart on people. Celebration of others is how we are going to combat this doom and gloom that surrounds us on the day to day.

Yes, I celebrate being sex positive and I encourage each of you to embrace something that makes you smile, gives you joy, perhaps even pleasure. But also, share that with someone who has made you smile. Who has brightened your day, or given you reason to hope, if only for a moment. The world needs it right now. We all need it right now. Let’s spread some gratitude, and get that sex positive energy flowing.

30 Day Challenge: The Sex Positive Kind

    K Ghislaine

Well, the world is going crazy with negativity and news of doom and gloom. So to combat it, or at least give a little distraction, I’ve decided it is high time to revive my 30 day sex positive challenge for the month of October. If you have not heard of this before, don’t worry, it turns out I haven’t really done one successfully since 2020! Where in the world does the time go? At any rate, let me set the stage for what you are in for in our #30DaysSexPositive Challenge.

First up, there is zero sign-up necessary and participation is completely voluntary. Let’s be honest, any challenge to do with the word S E X is daunting to many. But rest assured this one is geared to be inclusive, fun, and hopefully at the end of the day having you feel fabulous about yourself. There will be a few days that will push you out of your comfort zone, and that is OK. Choose your own adventure and only join in with what you are comfortable with. For those who are ready and excited to learn a bit about themselves, being sex positive, and maybe even get a little sexy, here’s the drill.

First, you need to be following me on some sort of platform to see the prompts, which I will post daily. Now, using the word sex can get tricky with things like Facebook, so I won’t be posting anything there. I will however be using X/Twitter, Bluesky, Instagram, and my Patreon subscribers will get their usual bonus content, plus some extras. Wherever you follow me, just watch for the flamingo icon starting Oct 1st, read the blurb, and start playing. If you want to like, share, comment, or even subscribe to my Patreon that is completely up to you. The real point is to get us thinking about sex in a more positive light and normalizing pleasure in all its wondrous forms, and that starts with some self love. Oh, and taking a little break from the day to day grind, in a more pleasurable way.

So, are you ready? Excited? Nervous? I am too! So let us make this years 30 day challenge the best one yet. And if you want a little bonus activity to help you and your partner open up some great dialogue about sex, might I recommend signing up for the Couples Sex Quiz? Yes, I am sharing this as an affiliate, but, you should know I only recommend things that I love, and find value in. So if you’ve ever found yourself nervous to talk about sex with your partner, this is an incredible tool AKA ice breaker. And if you’re in a new relationship, this could be a fun way to see if you are similar pages. Don’t worry, the challenge won’t be all sales pitchy, but from time to time getting a few bucks definitely feels good so there you go. Now, back to the challenge…

I really hope you love what I have created for you because I am so excited to share it with you all, no matter how you decide to participate. Let’s have fun, be kind, and please no shaming of any kind. If at any point someone shares something that is not to your taste, just move on! Sex is for everyone, and the world could certainly use some more kindness right about now! With all that in mind, get ready, because here we go!!!

#30DaysSexPositive

Pet Peeve Time: Play with Me

    K Ghislaine
Pet Peeve

Are you ready for one of my pet peeves?  Ok, mostly I am writing this post so I can better understand why this term sends me into a rage, and hopefully come out more understanding on the other side, though I am not holding my breath.  The term that really has my panties in a bunch is when I get offers to play.  Further, just using the word playing with me, or pleasing me, or really any of the variations such as playtime, looking for a playmate, and new partners to play, just squicks me out!  I am a grown woman who wants to be more than your pleasure toy, or any of the variations these words equate to.  Especially when it comes to strangers.  There is no way, a person can open on an online dating site, with, “hey, I saw you were non-monogamous and I have a friend who is willing to play with us” will EVER work with me. 

Deep audible sigh of frustration has just occurred as I typed that out direct from a recent message.  Why does a phrase that is so common in the lifestyle, swinging community, etc. bug me so much?  The first thing is, I equate sex with intimacy.  Unless we have a strong bond, or intense physical chemistry (in person only), I just will not enjoy sex as just an act.  I have great difficulty with the concept of sex as exercise or just thrusting through the motions.  Sex is so much more to me than just the orgasm.  It is the person, sights, smells, sounds, feelings, etc. that make it something that I adore so much.  So, to just relegate it to playtime?  Ick.

The other thing that bothers me about just playing with people is the whole juvenile aspect of the word play.  I love running around like a kid outside, playing ridiculous games with my friends, and laughing till I cry while playing fetch with my dog as he brings the toys back in every manor of silliness.  This sensation of feeling like a kid again, or being responsibility free, even for a moment is something I strive to achieve as much as possible.  But the line is very clearly visible for me when the clothes come off and there is a possibility of the sensual or intimate to happen.  I just cannot ever envision me saying “Ok hunny, it’s playtime” with the aim of having sex. Or dare I say, asking a stranger to “play with me”. Bleh!

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I am trying, in this moment, to envision a time where sex was playful, funny, and just a complete messy situation that had everyone howling.  And the truth is, I can remember countless times when this has happened.  I even recall a few moments during one of my hottest MFM’s. But the big difference is that these situations happened with people I was very comfortable being intimate with.  This wasn’t just a spontaneous “playtime” that had every stranger giggling.  No, this was intense hilarity with people I trusted implicitly with my body, and my mind. 

Ok, I am beginning to realize my actual dislike of the word and why that is.  I hate when strangers want to play with me.  I despise when a person online wants to be my plaything or vice versa.  And I especially loath when a stranger, offers up, yet another stranger as a way of stringing me along and trying desperately to give me what they think I want, AKA a blatant attempt just to get into my pants.  Playing with me, equates to me feeling objectified specifically when it comes to someone I have never met, and now, will never go out of my way to meet.

So please, do not tell me that you want to play with me, in an effort to get me interested in you. I repeat, I am a grown woman, who does not enjoy the idea of playtime with strangers. While using any sort of sexual context in an opening message will get a swift delete from me, using play will make me gag, and make irrational decisions like reporting and blocking. Don’t put me through that. Be thoughtful, creative, and treat me like a real human!

Well, thank you for sharing in the eye-opening dissection of why this term really turns me off.  Do you have a term that elicits a similar reaction?  Let me know on Twitter or in the comments section.  Or as always, you can chat with me on Patreon, and also see my behind the scenes photo gallery from this and many other posts!

The No Kissing Rule

    K Ghislaine

The Lengths People go to Avoid Catching the Feels

No Kissing Rule

The No Kissing Rule, and other ways non-monogamous people try to keep from catching the feels.

No matter who you are or what you try to do non-monogamy at some point, will push your comfort zone limits.  It is a guarantee.  Actually, the only certainty there really is.  it’s And even though it is 100% going to happen, people create rules, especially swingers, to prevent any sort of feeling from arising with those outside of their spouse in order to protect their own comfort.  While the rational human knows this is doomed to fail, it doesn’t stop people from trying.  My favorite one of these such rules is the no kissing one, it is extremely common, and in my opinion an effort in futility.

Let’s take a step back here though and start from the beginning.  Non-monogamy is a way for people to share intimacies with people other than their partners, or if solo, with more than one person.  There are a plethora of ways to show intimacy, from flirting, to kissing, to sex, and pretty much everything in between.  And people choose to break free from monogamy for a variety of reasons, including sexless relationships, dead bedroom situations, variety, adding spice, or just a basic urge to enjoy the bodies or explore relationships with more than one person “till death do you part”. And at this point I feel it’s important to state that this blog is a judgement free zone for the most part.  Every flavor and style are welcome here.  I love variety and certainly hold the stance that love should be free, and should be something that works for you, whatever label suits you, or in my case, breaking free of labels and just living authentically for my own happiness.

However, this whole, no kissing rule pushes my understanding of freedom of expression.  Why in the world would you allow your partner to express themselves with their genitals, but restrict the touching of their lips?  What makes lips so sacred?  My hunch, is that there is a huge amount of intimacy surrounding the kiss, and couples restrict that contact to limit catching the feels.  They are OK with objectifying the act of sex, and less OK with the existence of intimacy.  Orgasms and adrenaline, hell ya!  Feels and intimacy, fuck no!  

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And the hard truth of the matter, from my perspective, is that they reduce sex to a physical act, and turn an orgasm into a regular bodily function, which is absolutely not my thing.  I don’t ever want sex to be just another motion.  I want it to be whatever it can, with flexibility and surprise and intrigue.  Not to be relegated to restrictions on what body parts can touch.  For example, have you ever heard of an mfm where the rule is the guys can never touch?  Haha!  Yeah, good luck with that.  It is damn near impossible not to at the very least have accidental grazing.  And when that happens, it does not mean you have to turn in your straight card.  Just as with kissing, it does not mean that you are instantly going to fall in love with another person… but it might…

The point is, I try to live my life restriction free.  And while I am not always very good at it, I am trying.  Point of fact, every single time I have placed a restriction on my partner it has blown up in my face and vice-versa. So knowing my own shortcomings with restrictions, I find it very difficult to understand couples who allow sex to occur with others, but draw a hard line at kissing. The whole “I trust you with my body, but not my lips”? Or more often than not, one partner can adjust or accept someone having sex with their partner, but seeing or thinking about the intimacy of a kiss would send them into a spiral of jealousy. And I cannot help but boil that down to desensitizing sex to the level of porn. Something viewed, and not experienced for it’s entirety.

So now that I have probably pissed off a whole bunch of kissing free swingers, I should probably just stop here. I question things I don’t understand, and if you would like to share with me how this works for you, or where I have missed the point, please know I am absolutely willing to listen.

Now that you’re done reading, please don’t forget to click on my amazing affiliate links, or support me on Patreon. Or, just be awesome and like, share, or comment!

Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging

    K Ghislaine

A look into why I hate the hookup culture

Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging
Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging

Here’s the post that I am positive is going to have my readers and followers drop right off, but I need to say it.  I hate the hookup culture.  I hated it when I was single.  I hated it when I was trying to date single guys when I was in an open relationship and I really struggle with it while trying to date couples off of swinging websites.  In my last post, I wrote about how chemistry is key, and I want to take that a step further now.  While I fully admit, that I can turn off the emotional connection for a totally delicious yummy 10, the reality is, they are so few and far between that it’s almost not even worth mentioning.

I have in fact hooked up with a cop, simply because of his position of power, his body type, and the fantasy I had about who he represented for my past and future spank bank and carelessly threw out the window any and all conversation.  Yes, I am capable of doing this.  But, I mean, for me, all the work it took to engage him in a sexual one-time tryst just wasn’t worth it.  I mean, I am glad I did it.  But the repeatability factor of all the time and energy just for the one hour or so, it exhausts me just to think about.  And the reason I mention this fact at all, is that many studies say that women have a much harder time reaching sexual satisfaction if there is zero emotional connection.  And for the matter of this post, that is not the reason I dislike hookups.  Not orgasming has never been my issue.  Instead, it is the quality and the time factor that really are the keys here, especially as I get older (wiser).

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Ok, let’s get back to the topic of hookup culture, which I sense is something that people equate swinging with, people including me.  I do, in fact believe that many swingers are just looking to hook-up for one evening and never talk to the people they slept with again.  There is an excitement and rush to that, so I would be wrong to say that I hate that aspect of things.  What I am struggling with is the expectation of just hookups.  The, all dressed up, so you might as well fuck me, mentality that many seem to have.  Or the couples you chat with online who want a guarantee of action before they will commit to meeting for drinks.  That’s just not my style.  Sex is not, and should not be the expectation or a sure thing.  Even typing that I cringe.  And yet, when chatting with people on swingers sites, I find that this is very much the case.

So maybe I shouldn’t look to swinger sites to find couples then right?  When the dating pool is this small, you go where the people are.  And yes, we have found a lot of people, just like us, navigating these murky waters looking for a fit.  I see constantly posts about people who are in-between swinging and poly.  They have no label, and no specific place to find people.  So they do what we do, cast their lines out in hopes to get a nibble.  I do wish that I could attend a non-monogamous beer hall, where all the people there have one thing in common, being non-monogamous.  I think that would be an amazing thing to start trending.  But, as that will take time, work, and a catchy name, for now we are left with munches, and swinger parties.  These are not a perfect fit, but they are a start.

And well, the bottom line is, I want to get to know people.  And beyond that, I love the idea that my partner and I could sleep with them too.  And even better, that we could do it on a semi-regular basis, and hang out, and share our celebrations and be a part of each other’s lives.  That’s what I desire in people.  I want more than just their bodies or a quick orgasm.  I want the whole person, the entire couple, the formation of a foursome, or even moresomes.  I want it all.  I want more than just a hookup!

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