Category: Family

Addressing the Sexless Marriage is Inevitable Myth

    K Ghislaine

I was going through my blog comment section this morning and realized that I had missed responding to someone from 2012.  It was on a post entitled Sexual Compatibility: An Open Letter.  So aside from feeling terrible for ignoring someone who took the time to comment, I also felt bad because of the myth that he was taking solace in.  The myth is that for marriage to last for ever, you should be with your best friend, because in the end, when the sex life has fizzled out, you will still have your soul mate. Basically, put more stock in a companion than a sexual equal.  I hate this myth.

Why put limits on your relationship?  Why perpetuate the idea that one must settle in order to live happily ever after (which I also do not agree with).  Life is whatever you make of it.  Relationships can be whatever you want them to be.  A lifetime together means just that, a lifetime making each other happy.  And for a lot of people, myself included, sex enriches my life and relationship.  Penn and Teller, did a Bullshit episode on Old People, which looked at all the myths that happen when people get old.  Sex drive dying was definitely a myth according to many who were interviewed.  In fact, how many times have you heard of near polyamory in old folks homes?  Human nature is to experience everything you possibly can when you know the end is near.  And sex is high on that list.

In my own family, I was horrified to find out that some elderly seniors thought it was funny to pick up the phone to invite the other into the shower with them… while I was on the line!  I won’t put in writing who it was, but I can tell you that sex is very much still a part of that 50 plus year marriage.  And it is only uncomfortable because they are family.  Reading that from anyone else, I would probably say that is so sweet, but please don’t tell me anymore.

Find someone who is your equal, who always has your back and you theirs.  Find a partner.  But don’t limit yourself to myths.  Don’t think that sex has to dry up.  Don’t place more value on companionship if that is not what’s important to you.  Make your own long term goals with your partners and live everyday in love and happiness.  Do not allow limits to control you!  Or myths that keep a person down on some potentially miserable level. Sexless marriage is not inevitable unless you want it to be.

The Toxic, and the Closed Door

    K Ghislaine

When I wrote, broken but more than broken but more than a mere statistic it helped me.  It allowed me to let go of any trace of discomfort I felt coming from a broken home and being non monogamous.  So my aim, is that by writing the following, I am able to find the same level of peace.  To finally let go of some of the dreams that haunt me when I wake up and to find a sense of release from the pain that I want to not be there.  I admitted that I came from a broken childhood, what I am going to admit now is quite a bit more recent and feels like enough time has passed that it is time to let it go. I ended the relationship with my toxic mom.

I have not had any contact with my mom in nearly 3 years.  I chose to close the door on our relationship because quite frankly it was unhealthy and was hurting any chance of my sustaining loving relationships in the future.  I was physically hurt and mentally chastised by her since I was 17 years old, maybe longer, but admitting that would help nothing as I was a child.  I was taught that my physical appearance mattered more than who I was inside, or that education was less important than being a sensuous and manipulative partner.  I tried for years to be her voice of reason and prevent her from hurting herself or those around her.  I failed, and became a weaker person in the process.  I lost years of my life trapped in  conflict and unaware that I was caught in a web of hate and gossip.  I couldn’t break free for longer than a few weeks at a time.  I finally was able, with much support from my loved ones, to walk away.

Every  time we spoke for nearly 10 years, I had to walk on egg shells.  I could never tell if she was going to freak out, start crying, yell or hysterically laugh.  She was so unpredictable that I dreaded answering her calls, and even began having a beer in my hand prior to answering the phone.  I tried not answer her with anyone in the room because I was embarrassed that someone would overhear how we spoke to each other. 

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I recall an instance when I had my wisdom teeth taken out.  My boyfriend at that time was too busy to take care of me so he pawned me off on my mom.  Things were OK day one.  She made me soup and hung out with me.  Day two, well, it was completely different.  Not only did I have my wisdom teeth out, but I had sprained my ankle 4 weeks earlier playing soccer.  So I was a bit of an invalid.  My mom and I did what had done a million times before, we played Mario Party, to pass the time.  Here we were, laughing and gaming, when all of a sudden the mood changed.  I teasingly said that if I stole her star I would win the game.  She jokingly said that wouldn’t be fair and I laughingly said, that it would be fun and we could play again after wards.  Well, I stole the star, and she went from happy to insane.  She started screaming that that was not how I was raised and that I was a horrible person.  I called my boyfriend in tears and he sped the 45 minute drive to pick me up.  I was screamed at for the entire time.  When he arrived, my mother actually called me a bitch and kicked me in the recently sprained ankle, laughed and slammed the door shut.   I was 22 years old at the time.  This story is not the worst, or the strangest but it is one that I have replayed over in my mind countless times not really knowing what to make of it.  It does show the lunacy that I dealt with, the immaturity and a brief moment of pain for me.

I had no idea how to handle the Jekyll and Hyde, personality changes of this woman, but I tried until my early 30’s.  I tried so hard.  And the result was pain, and conflict within myself.  I realized that I would never want my children around such an unpredictable woman.  And if I didn’t want my kids around her, why in the world would I want myself around her? 

The reality is that I have closed that door, for all the right reasons.  And now it is time to let the memories go.  There is no reason to hold onto all that anger.  To set free the moments that linger in my memory, the hate, the pain, the wondering why I don’t deserve to have a mother love me for who I am.

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Cutting Out Toxic People: A Stupid Downside

    K Ghislaine
A few years ago, I stopped having a relationship with my mom.  I have written a post about it, and although I am still unsure as to whether it is necessary to post it public or not, just writing gave me a lot of clarity on the issue.  Also, a big bonus, was that I no longer dream about her, ahhh the power of writing.  Just to summarize, in case I do not post it, she was abusive, and unwilling to continue counselling with me or work to move forward from her previous treatment of me.  So I made the decision to no longer keep the toxic person in my life, a decision that I made to ensure that I am in control of my life.  More power to be who I am, free from that detrimental blame game.  Who I am is on me, and if you have been following my last few posts, you know where I am heading with this.

Unfortunately, I was unprepared for one little side effect of not having my mother in my life.  It turns out, that people who are close to me, are interpreting me gaining control of my life and cutting out abuse, as something to fear, for their own relationships with me.  Rather than analyzing whether or not they are treating me, in the same manor of respect that I treat them, there is an underlying fear that I will just cut someone out for no reason.  Almost that a few now pussy foot around me.  I don’t know quite what to make of this.  Am I expected to bash  my mother and tell everyone the horrible things that are a part of my childhood and teenage years to gain sympathy for my choices?  Am I expected to have to justify my past decisions? Or to make promises to current relationships, that I will never close the door to them no matter what?  Is each relationship supposed to be equal in my life?  

I am at a complete and utter loss.  Making the decision to end things with my mother, was nearly a decade in the making.  We went through not talking, rules to be in the same room together, counselling, and every level of communication tactic we could think of.  In the end, I was exhausted and tired of crying.  I closed a door to gain my sanity and better control of my life.  It was a horrible experience, and one that I hope NEVER to have to repeat.  That being said, I will not tolerate abuse.  And I hope I have learned to never let a relationship get that bad again. 


But why on earth would a very dear family member, throw in my face that they are worried I will just shut them out too?  I now have to deal with something incredibly painful, with someone who really doesn’t have any fear or worry and just put me in this conundrum out of anger.  I don’t particularly want to have to justify myself to anyone but me.  I know what I have done and I have what I feel are valid reasons.  And honestly, I am happy, so who the fuck cares if I have someone in my life or not?  Being a parent does not give you the right to treat your children with abuse.  Being a child does not mean that you have to tolerate abuse just because they gave you life.  And damn anyone who wants to make me feel guilty for finally having peace, sanity and happiness.

The First Post of 2016 – Picking My Direction

    K Ghislaine
I write with a very specific blogging voice in my head that allows me to take a step back and observe a situation and write objectively.  I think 2016 may take a different direction as a few things in the last year really stand out for me and I do not like them.  I feel a false sense of control over my life, namely over my actions.  I have friends with whom I need to take the rose coloured glasses off for.   And writing that brings me to the startling realization that I need to take the rose coloured glasses off when I look at myself and my actions. 

I fight a fear off and on, that I will become my mother.  I push these thoughts and feelings aside and say to myself that I am stronger than that fear, and that I do not possess the mental demons that she does.  So I fight fear with avoidance and surrounding myself with situations that are relatively easy to control.  My closest friends don`t challenge me.  And I don`t challenge them.  This creates a stark contrast to my home life, where I am constantly challenged to be the best I can by E.  And also contrasts to my work environment where I have worked my ass off in the last 2 years to get to my current position.  The frustration now lies in the fact that I need to bring a level of symmetry to these three facets of my life. 

I took some fairly strong risks in dealing with the men of my machine shop, and for the most part, when I was confident and sure of myself, things have worked out according to my plan.  I am beginning to remember this and bring this mentality home with me, but it is a slow process.  I have grown used to telling stories to E of my battles and needing his help and insight to solve them.  Now I need to start bringing home the stories of my conquests and amazing feats of customer service brilliance and managerial triumphs.  But I think it is easier to talk about the negative than it is to brag about the positives.  Why?  Quite simply the feedback loop is certain with negative.  It is uncertain with boasts and confidence when you do not have practice.  It is a fear that amplifies when I let the thought creep in that I am being a bitch or aggressive.  Pride has less reward for me than the fear of the consequences associated with displaying horrible traits.

But here is the honest truth.  I don’t want to hide in fear.  I want to be better than that.  I want to have my shit together when I finally decide it is time to have children.  I want to have my shit together so I can enjoy the thoughts and feelings that I have and enjoy them for myself and my partner.  When E and I drove home from California a thought was presented to me.  That I do not have control over my own assertiveness.  I am not comfortable toting that line between bitch and control of myself.  So I play an avoidance game, where passivity rules.  I rationalize that I ruffle enough feathers at work, so at home and in my personal life, I just want peacefulness.  Well, the reality is, that it is never going to happen.  And I need to actually see this, accept it, and become good and enjoy dealing with owning myself and trusting my reactions. 


Is this something that children with sibling practice together?  Pushing boundaries, and testing surroundings?  I know as an only child, I honed my skills at reading a room, reading lips and body language and being able to understand those around me.  However, I did not test or push myself or test my limits with anyone else.  My circle of friends was always so tiny and my family so tight that it didn’t enter my mind to push buttons.  I figured I would get farther by always following the rules.  As I write, the voice in my head doesn’t seem to have delay.  I am taking control over the earnest desire to be a balanced voice of reason, and just be me.   I have nothing to prove or anyone to impress.  All I’m doing is forgetting fear for a while and trusting that my assertive nature will bring clarity to my emotions, and someday become natural.

Insecurities in my Past, Rainbows in my Future

    K Ghislaine

AKA: Crazy Family Members

 

Rainbows in my future

Although it is impossible to typecast all the people in my past that I have closed the door on, one commonality that stands out is insecurity.  Now, I am not sure how my friends and family perceived me when I was a teenager or in my early 20’s.  I cannot even really guess because the people that I thought were closest to me, turned out to be a little crazy.  Also, at that stage in the game, as with most people, I was still trying to figure out who I was.  So relying on the crazy family members around me, to shape who I wanted to be as a person left me with a few interesting scars.  I am no longer mad at them, and I don’t break down into tears anymore at the damage that they caused my developing emotional self.  Instead, I try and give them as little thought as possible.  I have accepted what I perceived they did to me, and, well, that’s all I can do. 

What is really interesting to me now though, is that strange feeling that maybe, as result of my family, I was surrounding myself with insecure people because that is who I understood.  I identified with their misgivings about their selves, and bodies, and all other elements that go into achieving real insecurities and I found a way to channel that negative energy into myself.  To be clear, I created a feedback loop, where I would provide positive enforcement for these people, including my immediate family which would pick me up and give them temporary relief.  So in my mind, I was providing a need for them, and they provided positive thanks from me, and thus I was momentarily happy. This enabled me to tolerate my family for much longer than I should have.   

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The downside of course is that I would crash hard.  When bad things would happen in my life, there was no one strong or stable enough to be able to support me.  At the time, my then boyfriend was just as insecure as the rest of them.  He was a self defeatist, and thus I just could not handle bad things happening to me because there was no one to help me break the cycle or support me in recognizing what was actually going on.  It is amazing that I did not turn to drugs for an escape here and there.  Haha!

But why am I sharing this with you all?  Why am I bringing up something that is super negative after I have mentioned that I recognize this and try to not give it any thought at all?  Because in light of figuring this out, and believing that I had conquered the demon of my past, one my closest childhood friends and family member turned out to be right in this category. But the great thing?  I figured it out all on my own and put a stop to it.  I changed my feedback loop the instant I saw what was going on. 

And I was not left with any sort of hole as I was a few years back when I started closing doors to my immediate family. And I realize how incredible lucky I am right now.  My partner, my dearest friends, and all those that I am courting for new friends and maybe more are secure.  They are confident amazing individuals.  I do not feel that I am missing out by not being needed as a crutch for all the family that used me for so long.  Instead, I have filled any sort of lingering void with freaking awesome people.  The rainbow at the end of the storm is finally showing its bright colours.  

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