Category: Happiness

Reminding Myself to Choose Happiness

    K Ghislaine

I recently wrote a post on Medium about Falling in Love with a Narcissist, and no, it was not about my current relationship. After I wrote it, I felt this deep sense of uncertainty, which is odd. Normally when I write to the heart of an issue I feel like a weight is lifted. I walked away from the keyboard, and just felt numb. And then, I realized, I had been feeling numb for a long time. A few month ago, I became irritated with myself for being so vulnerable, and decided that I needed to toughen up. It’s a pattern I go through, be soft and fuzzy, then shut that down when it becomes too much.

This teeter-totter is just who I am. That being said, finding myself in a state of numbness is not ever my end goal. And so, here I am, reminding myself that I need to choose happiness… again! Life will never not be complicated, and I currently have the strongest support system that I have ever had. Being grateful is a choice, and so is being happy. I have the power to choose I real emotion that adds value, and I do not have to shut off my emotions. LOUDER for the voice inside my head telling me I need to be strong!

I could blame the people of my past for forcing me to be strong. For telling me I was only loveable when I was confident, and for trying to police the emotional swing that is quite frankly a natural part of being a woman. We have a cycle. It comes with hormones. This is reality! And I am speaking up, that this does not make me weak, as I once believed. Oh what a fool I was. So many thoughts flash through my mind, as tears well up. I’ll save unpacking how this affected my libido for another time. Because ooph, that’s just something I am not quite ready to touch.

But back to choosing happiness. This month I wrote on whiteboard a phrase that seems kind of silly, but, I think that’s why it has been helping: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. When I was a child it referenced a game whereby you chanted this, and then with a group of friends, lifted someone up by fingertips alone. It was a powerful phrase that soon was banned by our parents, for reasons we didn’t understand. Today, I am using it as a mantra to remind myself to be lighter with things like stress, burdens, and the intense pressure I put on myself to succeed. But balanced with being stiff, resolute, and confident, because I am not hollow, or of need to chance who I am. Just to be kind, and reasonable.

Great things are coming, and good things are already here. And no matter how much I bitch and moan, challenge is a part of my life. I need to look past, and choose happiness. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

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My Life May Never Be Perfect: Encore

    K Ghislaine
Raw and Intense

The last post I wrote was raw and intense.  And the reason for writing and sharing it, was completely selfish.  I felt so much better with the cry during the typing and then that sweet release I felt when I published it.  It was a post for me.  A way of sorting my thoughts out, just like I did when I first started blogging. My blog is all about problem solving for me.  And after I wrote it, I was able to have a much clearer conversation with my partner about just how important it is for me to accept what I have, not to bite off too much, and to take joy in the here and now.  Again, my life is not perfect, but what is the point of just hoping and waiting for the future to bring me the riches (not monetary, just in general) that I fantasize about.  Why do I so often feel that I do not deserve to be happy right now?

That is the crux isn’t it?  I know dating women right now would be a disaster, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the fantasy of it.  In fact, I have been refraining from writing any erotica as of late, in fear of getting too swept up in something I may not ever achieve.  I have long suffered from an affliction of not daring to get my hopes up, because I always feel let down.  And that down I feel, is just too much for my little self to handle.  So, I try and moderate my emotions.  I try to… force a balance? I’m not sure if that makes sense to the majority of people.  But, as best I can describe it is, I can get intensely excited about things, but due to being let down so many times, I try and moderate how excited I let myself get.  In order to regulate the possible downward spiral, I actually prevent my brain from over indulging my expectations.

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If any of you out there do that, now would be an amazing time to reach out and tell me I am not alone in this… le sigh.

But back to the post at hand.  Since writing that last post, I have taken positive action in my life.  I have enjoyed taking breaks during the day.  Reveled in getting out of the house, and even started to chat with a few dear friends that I have not reached out to in a long time.  For you see, I had let myself believe that I would be a burden to them during the bulk of my last years depression and mental struggles.  And, as much as they tell me I wouldn’t have been, everyone has their own shit to deal with, and I just would have felt guilty adding to that, with my hopeless situation.  But here I sit, typing, with a few coffees on the books, and some one on one time with dear people in my future.  This is a major positive shift in my mental state. 

And that really is why I am writing this post.  I am not out of the woods, and I may never be.  But here I sit, taking a bit of pride in what I have achieved.  Instead of writing a daily task list that I feel guilty about not being able to achieve, I am writing a weekly one.  I am taking breaks to play a little VR.  And I am taking a French course.  Personal betterment is one of my biggest goals, and being able to share what I have learned is… well… it leaves me a little speechless and tongue tied (ironically). Breaking the cycle of not believing you deserve to be happy until you achieve a lifelong goal is tough.  I am not excelling at this, by any stretch of the imagination.  With that being said though, I am finally celebrating small victories, and I’m hoping that shift in thinking will break through the wall of not being good enough bit by bit. 

Thank you all for the love and support, and I hope at least a few of you appreciate the raw and real, versus the whole non-monogamy and relationships are always peachy all the time sort of blogs.  Being in a good state of mind is key, and that is relationship priority number one.  After that, well, the possibilities are endless!

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Talking Publicly About Your Sex Life

    K Ghislaine

Talking Publicly About Sex

Last week I wrote a post about expressing my fantasies, and how it is an area of my life that I would like to improve upon.  I have difficulty expressing my fantasies, but I have absolutely no trouble with talking about my amazing sex life.  I could go on and on about the incredible foursome that I experienced very recently, but there is a problem, who can I tell?  Is there a place that I can talk publicly about my sex life?

When it comes to social media there are certain societal norms that we tend to follow.  One of the main ones, is that you do not brag about your sex life on facebook, or other such social forums where your family or friends reside.  You cannot post that incredibly hot picture that you took in the mirror while doggy style, or share the picture taken in the hot tub just before the clothes started to fall off.  Exhibitionism is taboo for social media.  And if you do decide to Instagram, Snapchat or Tweet those pictures you may get some very nasty name calling and labels from those you know.  Sure, people say they want to see the images from time to time, but the general population just does not want to see a person they know in the throes of passion.  The consensus seems to be that those images are not necessarily bad, but any sort of in your face boasting is scandalous.

All of this is fine, and I am not trying to change this particular social climate, but there are days that I just want to brag to someone about how sexy I feel, or how amazing my most recent orgasm was.  And guess what?  Not even my best friends want to get that text.  If I try out of the blue to talk about that incredible connection at the swing club I get crickets from my nearest and dearest.  And I know I would get blocked or unfriended on facebook for sharing that the best start to the morning is a quickie before work, and I am speaking from direct experience ;).

Now interestingly enough, if I posted that same status on an anonymous forum like twitter, I would get likes and retweets for days.  A stranger can appreciate the sexiness, but friends and family cannot.  Why does this happen?  I suppose one parallel could be when we unfollow people who constantly update about their fitness journey, or Instagram every meal they eat.  We are just not geared to be supportive of peoples braggadocio behavior.  We cringe at anything in excess.  So therefor no one wants to see constant updates about orgasm after orgasm.  There is a very thick line in the sand in regards to sex and daily interaction with your peers.  It is not something to publicly discuss with your friends, period.

There is a nearly 80 study at Harvard that directly links overall happiness to your sense of community, and the line that is key to my point is this, “Researchers also found that those with strong social support experienced less mental deterioration as they aged.”  So here is the crux of my post, if sexual relationships are important to you, but you cannot talk about them with any of your peers, are we actually doing a disservice to our long term mental health and fitness?  Yes I am aware that I have used the term bragging and not just status updates, but aren’t those the most memorable points in our lives that go on social media?  We celebrate engagement, educational triumphs, births, and parties.  But we do not talk about sex publicly.  We do not celebrate threesomes, or orgasms or loss of virginity.  Speaking of, does anyone else remember that Clone High Episode where a congrats card is sent when one of the guys loses his virginity on prom night?  Funny in a cartoon, but oh the horror and social outrage in real life.

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I believe that my sex life is key to my overall happiness.  While studies show that a strong sense of community is the most important factor in a person’s overall happiness level.  And yet we live in social constraints where these two aspects of life must stay far, far away from each other.  Is this reasonable?  Is this necessary?  Would talking publicly about sexual health, appetite, kinks or preferences make you a happier person?  Do you seek information about sex on the internet or find support groups and counseling to facilitate a safe place to discuss socially taboo topics?  Does sex have to remain in the world of the internet or books or simply within your partnership?

We are human, and curious about sex, sometimes even about the sex lives of our friends.  But we are not willing to admit that to each other.  And yes we all are, every single one of us at one time or another.   And don’t try to tell me that when you hear on the news a report on the latest sexual study that you are above comparing yourself to it; for example a certain study about average sexual encounters per week for married couples.  Hell, reading this blog is a perfect example of human curiosity.  But I highly doubt any of you discuss the contents openly with one another.

We have restrictions on what good behavior or socially tolerated subjects are.  And although it is unlikely to change in future, I personally think it is important to give thought to why that is.  And perhaps ask yourself if your sex life or overall well being would be positively or even negatively affected by being able to openly talk about sex?  Just some food for thought, some societal foreplay if you will…

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It’s The Little Things

    K Ghislaine

Ever just wake up feeling blissfully happy?  It’s a great feeling when you just know that your path is going in the right direction.  Things line up in an almost weird sort of way.  The best part is looking over at your partner and saying how happy you are and having him agree.  Not because the two of you are reliant on each other for happiness but simply because both parties are living life the way we want to.  And it works for the immediate right now.

Having the clarity to recognize the moments of bliss and remember them through the trials and struggles really is key to being sound and whole.  The more moments that you can create each day will result in good things.  Actually great things.  I remember as a teenager my mom buying me “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”.  I read it and each day I would try out that chapter in my life.  Maybe I am alone here, but the messages just never seemed to stick.  They were never permanent and I for the longest time could not recognize why this was.  They seemed more about tiny solutions that were not broad enough to give long term solutions.

For me fixing the small puzzles in my life really keeps me motivated.  I like the small daily accomplishments, playing little mind games with myself. Things like the positive and negative comments that I wrote about recently.  Or something like smiling at the most unlikely people on the street and watching their reactions.  This book really focused on not taking seriously the little trials and tribulations of daily life, and to focus on the bigger picture.  But I am not wired that way, the bigger picture is far too cumbersome and can irritate me as I thrive little victories.  A huge war takes a lot energy and while there is a time and place, I am loving taking things a little slower these days.

So here is my question for you, what is your favourite thing about your current or most recent relationship?  What is that thing that had you waking up happy in the mornings or that feeling you have right before you go to bed that makes it worth staying, or that you miss most?

A New Year and New Challenges

    K Ghislaine
I wrote a blog in anger, and as a result I will not link to although it did receive more comments than any other I have written.  Thus I have not been able to write for the past few days.  However in working through how I was going to resolve or let go of an issue that has burdened me for years I started working towards a revelation of such.  I had no idea how much my view point changed when it came to open relationships and how it actually has altered the way I deal with my family.  I remember receiving harsh criticism for not having my biological dad in my life as an active member and how hard it was for many in my life to accept.  However this was a choice that was made out of years of issues and pain.  I broke the mould in my household by taking a stance and choosing what was right for me at the time and not the expectation.
I have been raised to believe through and through that you must accept your family for what they are.  To take in stride their faults and strengths which I have gone into great detail previously here.  However why does this have to be the case.  If someone whom you share blood with treats you poorly and causes you undue stress and pain, why is the expectation to constantly forgive and forget?  If it was a chosen relationship the advice that you would receive would be to cut that person out of your life, but when it comes to family we are given different advice.  So does that then mean that family has free reign to treat it’s members in any fashion that they see fit?   How can that possibly be fair, or healthy for that matter?  I have spent the past week trying to analyze the bigger picture surrounding challenging societal norms and living to find my own happiness.  Unfortunately there is a price to pay for such things. And I publicly announce that I am finished fighting for what I deserve when it comes to my family.  After 28 years it turns out that I will be treated the same no matter what choices or responses I try to cleverly come up with.  I need to start focusing on the bigger picture and see how this affects my personal life and happiness and make choices towards that and not my own ego or sense of purpose.

How we relate to our family plays a critical role in how we behave and relate in our chosen relationships.  I know I have said time and time again that I will do things this way or that way when I have kids.  And I don`t know anyone out there who has not said similar things as we constantly evolve and change our ideas.  Knowledge is fluid and with that we are able to adapt to our surroundings in such an amazing way.  The ability to learn and grow, while questioning all that surrounds up are words I repeat again and again.  But there is an added point to that, it`s wonderful to grow and learn, but you also have to admit when you are wrong.  It takes a very confident and strong person to admit when they are wrong and put their stubbornness aside for the bigger picture.  So here I start the new year wondering if this will be a year filled with support or continued resistance to me voicing my opinions?