I made a conscious decision this year that because I couldn’t go to California for Christmas, I was going to take the two weeks off of work and dedicate it to my book writing. Well, today, I finally pressed print on 50 pages of it. It feels like a crazy milestone. And while I should be shouting from the rooftops that I have something tangible in my hands to start editing, and reworking into something I am proud of, I cannot help but be disappointed. And that person I am bummed at, is me. I know, one shouldn’t regret, or live in the past, but I am struggling to get to where I know I need to be hence this post about book writing accountability.
I absolutely have it in me to type for hours on end. And yet, my days are filled with distractions. From a sick dog, to “roommate” issues and obligations. I vocalized my intent before I went on vacation, and still… I feel pushed and pulled in all the wrong directions. I am sure every single writer out there with a family, other jobs, etc. fully understands what I am going through. I mean if writing was easy, everyone would do it right?
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Here is the thing though, fundamentally, at my core I am a giver. And, in order to complete this book, I need to be selfish. This is tearing me apart. I need to be selfish with my time, let the guilt go when I get pulled away, and be assertive in taking the space I need. Holy cripes is this ever not me! I want to please, help others, be amenable, and of course, if you’re reading this you can clearly see the obvious in that I need to help myself first.
For those who don’t know, I am writing my non-monogamous origins story. It has a title, a voice, all the framework, and basically the bulk of the writing is done. And after this little break to focus on it, I hope to employ an editor to get me to the next phase which is actually publishing. It’s funny how different this book looks now from when I started, which is a good thing. And I hope it ends up being a more compelling read, than the lighthearted “open relationships” are so great, rose coloured glassed perspective it could have turned into 3 years ago! Life is complex, relationships constantly evolve or end, and writing this book has made me a better person, and hopefully a much better partner for a future someone special.
Anyways, I write this post to keep me accountable, give you all a little update, and to vent the things holding me back from accomplishing the things I desire. If you want to be a part of it, and help fuel my progress, please check out my Patreon.
Activating an online dating account is treacherous at the best of times, but add into it a pandemic, being non-monogamous, and for added fun open to dating different genders. In the old days, this would have been a magical event, filled with hilarious stories, intrigue, and of course at least a few sexy tales. After a few months of putting myself out there, I can confirm that we are NOT in the before times, and magic is the opposite of what I would call this period in my life. Never have I come so close to lying or not being authentic on my profile, simply so I can have the smallest of chances. In no particular order, here are a few of the almost dating stories for your reading pleasure.
Exhibit A – Young, and Educated
I was so excited when this newly located young and articulate man arrived in my hometown, and started chatting with me. We hit it off right away and exchanged numbers. He was respectful, intelligent, and very hansom. As we moved towards grabbing a drink our conversations started heating up. We exchanged sexy photos, and I had, what I will admit was the hottest sext afternoon of my life. What thrilled me was his complete sentences, well thought out messages, and the addition of perfectly timed rugged photos that piqued my imagination. In short, I was smitten so, I asked him to pencil me in for an in person beer on Saturday night. He seemed equally excited and told me all the things he wanted to do with me, and even went so far as saying that if we hit if off I could spend the night. But alas, when I texted to confirm, he seemed puzzled by my confirmation. Turns out, he was away for the weekend with the boys and either forgot about our plans or just didn’t care. Either way, our messages came to a weird end. Basically, he just stopped texting, and I will only ask a guy out twice before I take the hint. Chasing each other is hot, but when it’s just one of us, it comes off as desperate.
Exhibit B – The Musician
I started chatting with a very tall, dark, and ruggedly good looking musician a while back. We shared some moments of laughter, quick witted banter, and random schedules. Everything was lining up perfectly for a first date when all of a sudden he showed his true colours, a self defeatist. Now, normally this wouldn’t be a game over for me, but being covid times, the extra struggles of isolation set in. The conversation quickly went from excitement to poor me, I’m the worst with keeping plans, etc (on his end). Now, if it had been any other time, I probably would have tried harder to just get him out for a beer, but things are too risky right now to waste even a moment on someone who potentially will add bad juju to my life. While this one isn’t necessarily dead in the water, I also won’t be pushing for in person until all of this craziness is over.
Exhibit C – Unicorn Hunter
Opening myself up to possibilities, I changed my looking for to include everyone. Enter the pixie haircut, fit, married woman. She was open about having a husband, said she was looking for a connection, and we started rapid fire chatting one evening. I was starting to get really comfortable talking to her when things took an unexpected turn. While talking about what we were both looking for she casually mentioned that she showed my photos to her partner and he would like to meet me too. I replied kindly, that I wasn’t interested in being a unicorn, and was not looking to date couples, especially not solo. She told me it was nothing like that and we chatted a bit further, but then, she went right back into the whole both her and her partner would like to take me on separate dates to ensure that we all get along. I asked why that would matter because I didn’t want to date them both. She assured me it was fine, and I said his photo isn’t even on her profile so I felt like that was a misrepresentation if that’s what the deal was. In a last ditch effort to hook me, her next message was a selfie of the two of them in bed. When I replied that he wasn’t my type because I was only looking for a female, I got blocked. Fun times. Fun times. Note to all out there, if you are looking for a woman to join your couple, just be honest, and have a photo of the both of you! Spurring it on someone feels predatory, and rejection is never a fun thing.
Exhibit D – The Stand Up…Guy
This will be final story in this collection and what a way to end it. So here I was, jiving hard with this guy. We switched over to exchanging numbers, agreed to grab a beer, and had some great flirty conversation. I should mention he was the first guy I’ve chatted with who seemed like a great fit for non-monogamy. His questions were insightful, he was kind, and not at all a horn dog just trying to get laid. He just seemed super genuine about wanting to get to know me further and excited to see how my relationships worked. Which was refreshing!
He was upfront the day we decided to meet may be a little up in the air, time wise, because his dad was going in for surgery. I had all weekend to meet him, so I was pretty flexible on the Saturday. When that fell through we agreed to a specific time and place on Sunday. The final message I received that night was “amazing”. Being me, I sent a quick message a few hours before I started to get ready Sunday, just to confirm that we were still on. Radio silence. Something felt weird, but I got dressed, and went out anyways. We were only days away from the second lockdown announcement so I figured getting out of the house would do me good no matter what. 10 minutes go by, then 15. I sent a message asking what his ETA was. No response. I order a beer, and let him know. Nothing. 45 minutes later, the realization struck hard and fast, I had been stood up.
Fast forward 4 days later to one single phrase “Fuck I’m so sorry”. No explanation, no further conversation, nothing. So, umm… that was fun right?
Dating is always tough. But what I am discovering is, I pretty much get to jump over every hurdle at once right now, and it is exhausting! I won’t give up, because… well… it’s me. That said, I hope summary posts like this are not the new norm. I just really want to start something amazing up! It’s been far too long since I’ve felt in person butterflies, and hot damn do I miss it.
Thank you to all who have bought me a virtual beer via my Patreon. This is the liquid fuel to keep my creative juices flowing, and I try to reward accordingly. Some of the perks include access to all my written work, early access to my podcast, and of course the higher your tier, the more NSFW I post.
AKA Trying to Date While Writing a Blog About Non-Monogamy
The following is a real interaction I had with a guy who randomly messaged me on an online dating site, after reading my blog (I assume the title only). Did I push his buttons a little? Yup. Did I change anything in this conversation? Only the part where I called him out for a mutual hobby of ours (which I did to protect his identity). Why am I sharing a blog post like this? Because I am tired of people not believing me when I say online dating is horrific. And, men want my horror stories all the time, so this will also save me a little breath.
Breaking away from monogamy ? . . . . . Careful that you don’t catch a Sexually Transmitted Disease.
Cool story bro. Thanks!
To each his own. . . . I think sex is so much better, and so much more intimate, under a committed exclusive relationship. . . But, to each his own.
Wow…. again, thanks for the unsolicited opinion!
Good luck to you.
Ahhh,… you’re christian. That explains you thinking you are entitled to judge complete strangers who have done NOTHING to you.
You’re a hypocrite. . . . That is what you are doing. . . I simply stated facts. . . When you have multiple partners who themselves have multiple partners, you are highly likely to contract a Sexually Transmitted Disease . . . . This is a general FACT. . . . .NOT OPINION. . . . Also, sex is a very personal and intimate act. . . . If you are someone who commits that very personal and intimate act with multiple people, it shows that you do not regard sex as a very personal and intimate act, but instead are carelessly feeding your insatiable appetite for lust. . . . It also shows that you don’t know what Love is, and are very likely a cold hearted person who shares her body with anyone.
I feel so sorry for you and your archaic ideas.
And yes, I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. . . . Yes, I do believe that He shed His innocent blood for all of humanity, that we all may be saved from our sins, (which include insatiable appetites for porn and sex), and have personal loving relationship with the Creator.
We’re all going to die sweetie. . . . You’re going to face your Creator one day. . . . I just hope that when that time comes, you’re a believer, that you will face Him as a believer, and not as a condemned sinner. Those men, they don’t love you. . . . They’re just using you.
Awe… Again, my sympathies. I really do feel sad for you.
I’ll pray for you. . . . . Be careful. . . . STDs are real.
Thanks, I can always use a little extra positive energy focused my way!
Thank you all for reading my little tale, and for the record, I did block him. So, this will be the end of our interaction. Onwards and upwards to better people and more interesting stories, because my goodness that was a painful one! Now back to the Sex Positive for 31 Days challenge and posting fun content on my Patreon!!!
As much as I adore when people discover that there is a world outside of monogamy, I equally loath the stuff that comes out of their mouths (especially from those who have done zero research!). While I have ranted before on the judge first, ask questions later, this post is about people who claim that non-monogamy is merely a luxury. In fact, there was a person lurking on R/nonmonogamy who made a comment to this point and went on to say it should be easy to just discard it when faced with obstacles (like the current pandemic). And I feel that we are finally deep enough inside this year of hell, that I can talk about this subject without accidentally encouraging people to race out and have sex with a bunch of random people. My main message is still clear, non-monogamy must stay on hold. But, when it comes to people trying to just brand these relationships as a luxury, I, have many thoughts… AKA this post. So join me as I try and process everything that makes me cringe about this line of thinking.
Non-monogamy takes an insane amount of work. Yes, maybe you could draw a correlation that luxury items are expensive, therefore take a lot of money and effort to get, and non-monogamy has similar parallels. However, the truth is this is a correlation vs causation fallacy. Non-monogamy, while on the surface may seem like something unnecessary, the fact of the matter is that for many (myself included) it is an essential extension of who we are as sexual and social beings. There is no luxury to be found. Rarely do you get to just sit back and marvel at your new toy. Nope, you are constantly working, scheduling, talking, flirting, co-ordinating, and compromising. Sure, you have the incredible afterglow of a first meeting, sexy session, or incredible flirtation, but let me tell you, it is more like a full-time job, than an item we lust over.
Now, perhaps you think that it is selfish to be non-monogamous, as many luxury items often are. Why you ask, can you not just settle down with one person. One person is rational, level headed, but to seek more than that… sheesh? And I say to you… NO! What if you were in a sexless marriage? What if you loved your partner so much that you wanted to help them live out their fantasy? What if you believed in free love? What if you were just inherently polyamorous and recognized that loving more than one person was the most natural thing in the world to you? Would any of these questions be akin to a luxury item? Definitely not. So, whereas luxury items are not necessary, non-monogamy often is.
Having to pause a part of who you are for the greater good is not easy. I am a social person, who thrives around people and with physical touch and intimacy. That being said, I would never put myself, or my partner in jeopardy to fullfill these urges. And while the original person who got me riled up went onto explain how amazing it was getting back to monogamy, calling out everyone who swings, is poly, or practices any level of non-monogamy as a trifle want really pissed me off. I have had to close off a part of who I am, and how I engage with other people, for the greater good. This isn’t like giving up an extravagant trip to that upscale steakhouse, that I crave all the time. Or cancelling that yacht vacation that you had been saving up for all year. No non-monogamy is much more than that for me. And having people just dismiss it hurts.
There is one more thing that I will add. Luxury items are in essence a way to splurge, brag, or are simply an extravagance that enhance a moment, goal, or express a want. For me embracing non-monogamy has made me a better person. I am more open to situations, and far more loving. And if I am completely honest have become a much more passionate and expressive soul as a result of not having to hold anything back. While I cherish a few rings, and that bottle of champagne I hope to open this year, they are far removed from making me a better soul. And who out there can say the same about that fancy diamond?
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Are you ready for one of my pet peeves? Ok, mostly I am writing this post so I can better understand why this term sends me into a rage, and hopefully come out more understanding on the other side, though I am not holding my breath. The term that really has my panties in a bunch is when I get offers to play. Further, just using the word playing with me, or pleasing me, or really any of the variations such as playtime, looking for a playmate, and new partners to play, just squicks me out! I am a grown woman who wants to be more than your pleasure toy, or any of the variations these words equate to. Especially when it comes to strangers. There is no way, a person can open on an online dating site, with, “hey, I saw you were non-monogamous and I have a friend who is willing to play with us” will EVER work with me.
Deep audible sigh of frustration has just occurred as I typed that out direct from a recent message. Why does a phrase that is so common in the lifestyle, swinging community, etc. bug me so much? The first thing is, I equate sex with intimacy. Unless we have a strong bond, or intense physical chemistry (in person only), I just will not enjoy sex as just an act. I have great difficulty with the concept of sex as exercise or just thrusting through the motions. Sex is so much more to me than just the orgasm. It is the person, sights, smells, sounds, feelings, etc. that make it something that I adore so much. So, to just relegate it to playtime? Ick.
The other thing that bothers me about just playing with people is the whole juvenile aspect of the word play. I love running around like a kid outside, playing ridiculous games with my friends, and laughing till I cry while playing fetch with my dog as he brings the toys back in every manor of silliness. This sensation of feeling like a kid again, or being responsibility free, even for a moment is something I strive to achieve as much as possible. But the line is very clearly visible for me when the clothes come off and there is a possibility of the sensual or intimate to happen. I just cannot ever envision me saying “Ok hunny, it’s playtime” with the aim of having sex. Or dare I say, asking a stranger to “play with me”. Bleh!
I am trying, in this moment, to envision a time where sex was playful, funny, and just a complete messy situation that had everyone howling. And the truth is, I can remember countless times when this has happened. I even recall a few moments during one of my hottest MFM’s. But the big difference is that these situations happened with people I was very comfortable being intimate with. This wasn’t just a spontaneous “playtime” that had every stranger giggling. No, this was intense hilarity with people I trusted implicitly with my body, and my mind.
Ok, I am beginning to realize my actual dislike of the word and why that is. I hate when strangers want to play with me. I despise when a person online wants to be my plaything or vice versa. And I especially loath when a stranger, offers up, yet another stranger as a way of stringing me along and trying desperately to give me what they think I want, AKA a blatant attempt just to get into my pants. Playing with me, equates to me feeling objectified specifically when it comes to someone I have never met, and now, will never go out of my way to meet.
So please, do not tell me that you want to play with me, in an effort to get me interested in you. I repeat, I am a grown woman, who does not enjoy the idea of playtime with strangers. While using any sort of sexual context in an opening message will get a swift delete from me, using play will make me gag, and make irrational decisions like reporting and blocking. Don’t put me through that. Be thoughtful, creative, and treat me like a real human!
Well, thank you for sharing in the eye-opening dissection of why this term really turns me off. Do you have a term that elicits a similar reaction? Let me know on Twitter or in the comments section. Or as always, you can chat with me on Patreon, and also see my behind the scenes photo gallery from this and many other posts!