Category: Monogamous

Best I’ve Ever Had

    K Ghislaine

In light of the change in direction of my blog, I think it’s prudent to begin this one with a little note, or disclaimer if you will. Sex, and making a baby go hand in hand, and thus, I will be doing what I do best, which is overshare, or to put it a little kinder, be real and raw. This post is a perfect example of that, and thus, me being true to myself, and putting the things out into the world that I want to, for better or for worse. I remain sex positive, while embracing all the experiences that brought me to this point in my life. So, with this little explanation firmly in place, I will continue to share my journey.

In my last post I am pretty sure I used the words “best sex of my life”, or maybe it was the post before that, or maybe I keep writing it because it’s true. Bu the more I have been thinking about it, the more weight that statement seems to have for me, and my relationship.  Yes, we absolutely fit each other damn near perfectly, and have incredible intimacy in and out of the bedroom.  So, of course I can brag that we are made for each other.  But, it’s actually far deeper than that.  I trust him with my body, and he trusts me with his.  And that is the element that sets what we have apart from anything I have experienced before.

I was previously with a man, who believed that he knew my body better than I did.  Further, he believed that he knew what I wanted, because he knew what every woman wanted.  This is tough to write, but with him, I gave up trying to argue or tell him what I wanted or needed, simply because he wouldn’t listen. Here’s an example, and admittedly, it’s difficult to just pick one as there are many!

I can orgasm from breast play, and because of that, I enjoy having my breasts touched and sucked in a certain way so I can have extra orgasms.  I explained this to the person in question, and he excitedly wanted to see it in action. So I coached him through it, we had a lot of fun, and then for inexplicable reasons, the next time we had sex, he reverted back to a move that did nothing for me.  In fact, it brought me a little discomfort.  I stopped him, told him I didn’t like that, and that it did nothing for me. His response? A bold, other woman have liked it! Followed by him stopping the sex in defiance, acting basically like I had ruined everything.

OK, fine, maybe I went about it to harshly, because admittedly, I am terrible at asking for what I want.  I would much rather people discover my body, and then we get to experience things together without words, and focus more on body language, and all the fun stuff in intimacy. 

So, the next time, I did just that, guiding his hands, and mouth in such a way that we both could see things were working.  Then boom, in the middle of things, he did the thing I had asked him not to do (which in case you are wondering is a hard tweak of my nipples). It was if he couldn’t help himself.  I was gutted.  This back and forth went on for months, of me stopping and moving his hands away, and him doing what he wanted because he liked it. Finally, I asked him to stop touching my breasts altogether.  And the odd thing was, he was fine with this.  If he couldn’t touch me the way he wanted to, he was OK with having none of it.

This is one of only many, many examples of me asking for things, which again, is something I feel very uncomfortable doing, and then being ignored, in fact told that my feelings were just wrong. I think, looking back, that is one the driving forces behind me being OK with non-monogamous exploration.  I saw it as a chance to get some sexual needs met.  I figured, if we were dating another couple it would be away to have a fresh start with people, and get to explore each other’s bodies, and I could finally be heard.  Unfortunately, the reality was often such a frenzied buildup of sexual tension that group sex, or sex with other people was more of a release. Followed by a long wait to see them again, with the sexual tension building up, rinse and repeat.  We never could quite get a stride going, whereby intimacy with people outside of us could grow, and I could get that side of my needs met. Even though I tried, so many times!

Now, enter in the man of my dreams, with every single cliché I hate and love at the same time. We listen to each other, and really want to please the other. The connection is mind blowing! And while we haven’t been together for decades, or even years, I can honestly say, he his the first person I have felt electricity with this far into things. Usually that wains, once the butterflies wear off, but with him, I still find myself catching my breath, or falling deeper in love. 

The foundation for how we talk about sex, and our intimate needs is firmly in place.  We’ve both made plenty of mistakes in past relationships, and instead of holding onto those grudges, we openly embrace the possibilities that we can create together (Ooph that phrase has a lot of extra meaning at this juncture).  And also, we satisfy each other.  No matter what, we are enough for each other.  And that is the key, my key.  That mystical thing that I was looking for all these years, and never quite found, until the day I realized to my delight that he might have been flirting with me. And when we slept together that first time, I knew that he was by far, the best I had ever had.

As promised, this post has a behind the scenes photo up on my Patreon! Or if you are looking for other way to support, why not take a look at some of my affiliate links on my home page? Thank you for the love and support, mostly though, for just reading.

We’re Trying…

    K Ghislaine

What a terrifying thing to admit.  Are we even allowed to do that?  This is something couples keep to themselves until the 3 month mark is over, then you announce.  But the thing is, the 3 month part is the hardest.  It’s the most nerve wracking, and the most traumatic, especially when things go wrong.  Or even when things go right, or so I assume, because it’s your first time and you’re terrified.

I’ve recently had things go wrong.  It was awful,  but we both persevered like you’re supposed to.  We grieved together, but remained separated from the world.  When I went to work, I pretended that everything was ok.  Then I would breakdown at home, where I would face another reality of the miscarriage, and then another. The isolation, and the pretending everything is alright is exhausting. It takes a toll on you. On your womanhood, or manhood, or all the things that creep into your minds as you go from hope and wonderment, to letdown, and sadness.

The medical professionals tell you, especially with the first one that’s It’s not your fault.  It’s common.  You google the stats and see about 1/4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.   But is that true?  Was mine recorded?  Am I a statistic or just another unrecorded woman who went through something we aren’t supposed to talk about? Will I go through it again? Can I persevere through another failure?

And don’t get me started on the burden and grief and sheer helplessness that is felt by our partners.  Is that what being a future parent is really about? Taking your lumps in silence and then only talking about things when they are good?  I hate the silence.   I hate that we went through that alone. 

So, I’m changing the conversation.  We are trying to have a baby.  I’m now 40 and that’s scary. 

But also incredibly fun, and so hot, and all the amazing things that sex can be, especially with the best partner that you have ever been with. If we don’t start trying now, the reality is, we will be out of time. Biology doesn’t let a woman have babies at any point in her life, my biological clock is screaming. Men, yet again have hit the procreation jackpot. They can always have babies, well almost. Whereas me? I simply cannot wait anymore to try. And because I have found the man of my dreams, who is on the absolute same page as me, it’s simply a matter of can we, rather than do we want to. So, we are trying… to have a baby.

And yes, I am terrified of bringing any of you readers along for the journey. For sharing the private, personal, and all the jazz in between. But here I am, being vulnerable and raw, again!

Thank you for all who have supported me over on Patreon. I am getting back into the habit of taking being the scenes photos, and this post is no exception. So, enjoy!

Adult Crushes Are So Complicated

    K Ghislaine
Reflections of Crushes

Remember as a kid, when crushes were all the rage? You’d fall in love on the playground, chase the person around a tree for 10 minutes, be smitten all through the morning, and boom… broken heart by lunchtime?  The next few days you’d play safely in your friend group, and then… when you least expected it, someone would catch your eye and you would be crushing all over again!  The thing about having school aged crushes is that there were very few consequences.  The “dating” pool seemed endless, not that you even knew that was a thing back then, because scarcity was not a term you were familiar with.  The heartbreak could be overcome with a quick cry, a little outburst, or even just a game of tag to get that heart racing and provide the necessary distractions. Le sigh… we are adults here, or at least I am trying to be, and as the title suggest, adult crushes are much more complicated.

In my demographic of people, the norm seems to be that crushes as adults are frivolous, and often taboo subjects to even mention.  The married crews would never talk about an office crush, and the unmarried or non-monogamous seem to have left the world crush to childhood.  Once you reach a certain age, you either date someone, or move on. And with the exception of celebrities (or those equally out of our range) a crush is seemingly taboo.  Grown adults don’t have crushes, or at least we only talk about the one sided things once we reach relationship status.

Well, I am here to tell you, I have no other term for what I am going through right now. I am absolutely smitten over a guy who is emotionally unavailable and has been honest in telling me so. He in no way is leading me on. But is that stopping me from pursuing him in earnest? Not a chance.  I like him, he makes me feel absolutely amazing, and in short, I am dealing with an adult crush.

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Here’s the complication. I know this is a crush. I know, the possibility of getting my heart broken is almost certain. And I know, that it won’t be healed by just running around the block, or playing with my friends.  Crush or not, the stakes are higher as an adult. I can’t just brush these feelings aside, because to me, they are absolutely real. Albeit one sided, hence the term… crush!

The thing is, I loved having crushes as a kid. My yearbooks are filled with my “secret” code of the boys I fell for. Ok… fine… I’ll tell you.  I would put Chapstick on and kiss the boys I liked.  Invisible kisses to my lovestruck heart.  But here’s the thing, as an adult, talking about crushes with my friends doesn’t work. I miss the days that I could go on and on about a boy, and have my friends say “go for it” or the ones who would talk sense into me that he was out of my league or dating someone else. Now, when I talk about “boys” it seems to have more gravitas.  Seemingly I should have some inherent wisdom not to crush on someone unavailable. And that I should just move on, and date someone who is ready, willing, and able. And while that sounds like solid advice perhaps you missed the part where my heart is taking the lead?

This isn’t some happy go lucky crush that was the highlight of my non-monogamous days. Reason being, the risks back then were low. It didn’t matter if the person liked me back, because I had someone I was in love with at home. I could take or leave the pleasure, in fact, I could just enjoy the butterflies, because that was always my favorite part. So, having a monogamous crush? Yeah, this really bites. It’s complicated, it often hurts, and I feel lonely much of the time. And then boom, the second I read a message from him, I forget everything, giggle like an idiot, and push (probably) way too hard for him to hang out with me. But, just as a little girl on the school yard many moons ago, there is just no telling me or my heart what to do. I am crushing, even though it is so complicated.

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Book Writing Accountability Post

    K Ghislaine
My little guy and I!

I made a conscious decision this year that because I couldn’t go to California for Christmas, I was going to take the two weeks off of work and dedicate it to my book writing. Well, today, I finally pressed print on 50 pages of it. It feels like a crazy milestone. And while I should be shouting from the rooftops that I have something tangible in my hands to start editing, and reworking into something I am proud of, I cannot help but be disappointed. And that person I am bummed at, is me. I know, one shouldn’t regret, or live in the past, but I am struggling to get to where I know I need to be hence this post about book writing accountability.

I absolutely have it in me to type for hours on end. And yet, my days are filled with distractions. From a sick dog, to “roommate” issues and obligations. I vocalized my intent before I went on vacation, and still… I feel pushed and pulled in all the wrong directions. I am sure every single writer out there with a family, other jobs, etc. fully understands what I am going through. I mean if writing was easy, everyone would do it right?

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Here is the thing though, fundamentally, at my core I am a giver. And, in order to complete this book, I need to be selfish. This is tearing me apart. I need to be selfish with my time, let the guilt go when I get pulled away, and be assertive in taking the space I need. Holy cripes is this ever not me! I want to please, help others, be amenable, and of course, if you’re reading this you can clearly see the obvious in that I need to help myself first.

For those who don’t know, I am writing my non-monogamous origins story. It has a title, a voice, all the framework, and basically the bulk of the writing is done. And after this little break to focus on it, I hope to employ an editor to get me to the next phase which is actually publishing. It’s funny how different this book looks now from when I started, which is a good thing. And I hope it ends up being a more compelling read, than the lighthearted “open relationships” are so great, rose coloured glassed perspective it could have turned into 3 years ago! Life is complex, relationships constantly evolve or end, and writing this book has made me a better person, and hopefully a much better partner for a future someone special.

Anyways, I write this post to keep me accountable, give you all a little update, and to vent the things holding me back from accomplishing the things I desire. If you want to be a part of it, and help fuel my progress, please check out my Patreon.

A Few Almost Dating Stories

    K Ghislaine
Cheers?

Activating an online dating account is treacherous at the best of times, but add into it a pandemic, being non-monogamous, and for added fun open to dating different genders. In the old days, this would have been a magical event, filled with hilarious stories, intrigue, and of course at least a few sexy tales. After a few months of putting myself out there, I can confirm that we are NOT in the before times, and magic is the opposite of what I would call this period in my life. Never have I come so close to lying or not being authentic on my profile, simply so I can have the smallest of chances. In no particular order, here are a few of the almost dating stories for your reading pleasure.

Exhibit A – Young, and Educated

I was so excited when this newly located young and articulate man arrived in my hometown, and started chatting with me. We hit it off right away and exchanged numbers. He was respectful, intelligent, and very hansom. As we moved towards grabbing a drink our conversations started heating up. We exchanged sexy photos, and I had, what I will admit was the hottest sext afternoon of my life. What thrilled me was his complete sentences, well thought out messages, and the addition of perfectly timed rugged photos that piqued my imagination. In short, I was smitten so, I asked him to pencil me in for an in person beer on Saturday night. He seemed equally excited and told me all the things he wanted to do with me, and even went so far as saying that if we hit if off I could spend the night. But alas, when I texted to confirm, he seemed puzzled by my confirmation. Turns out, he was away for the weekend with the boys and either forgot about our plans or just didn’t care. Either way, our messages came to a weird end. Basically, he just stopped texting, and I will only ask a guy out twice before I take the hint. Chasing each other is hot, but when it’s just one of us, it comes off as desperate.

Exhibit B – The Musician

I started chatting with a very tall, dark, and ruggedly good looking musician a while back. We shared some moments of laughter, quick witted banter, and random schedules. Everything was lining up perfectly for a first date when all of a sudden he showed his true colours, a self defeatist. Now, normally this wouldn’t be a game over for me, but being covid times, the extra struggles of isolation set in. The conversation quickly went from excitement to poor me, I’m the worst with keeping plans, etc (on his end). Now, if it had been any other time, I probably would have tried harder to just get him out for a beer, but things are too risky right now to waste even a moment on someone who potentially will add bad juju to my life. While this one isn’t necessarily dead in the water, I also won’t be pushing for in person until all of this craziness is over.

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Exhibit C – Unicorn Hunter

Opening myself up to possibilities, I changed my looking for to include everyone. Enter the pixie haircut, fit, married woman. She was open about having a husband, said she was looking for a connection, and we started rapid fire chatting one evening. I was starting to get really comfortable talking to her when things took an unexpected turn. While talking about what we were both looking for she casually mentioned that she showed my photos to her partner and he would like to meet me too. I replied kindly, that I wasn’t interested in being a unicorn, and was not looking to date couples, especially not solo. She told me it was nothing like that and we chatted a bit further, but then, she went right back into the whole both her and her partner would like to take me on separate dates to ensure that we all get along. I asked why that would matter because I didn’t want to date them both. She assured me it was fine, and I said his photo isn’t even on her profile so I felt like that was a misrepresentation if that’s what the deal was. In a last ditch effort to hook me, her next message was a selfie of the two of them in bed. When I replied that he wasn’t my type because I was only looking for a female, I got blocked. Fun times. Fun times. Note to all out there, if you are looking for a woman to join your couple, just be honest, and have a photo of the both of you! Spurring it on someone feels predatory, and rejection is never a fun thing.

Exhibit D – The Stand Up…Guy

This will be final story in this collection and what a way to end it. So here I was, jiving hard with this guy. We switched over to exchanging numbers, agreed to grab a beer, and had some great flirty conversation. I should mention he was the first guy I’ve chatted with who seemed like a great fit for non-monogamy. His questions were insightful, he was kind, and not at all a horn dog just trying to get laid. He just seemed super genuine about wanting to get to know me further and excited to see how my relationships worked. Which was refreshing!

He was upfront the day we decided to meet may be a little up in the air, time wise, because his dad was going in for surgery. I had all weekend to meet him, so I was pretty flexible on the Saturday. When that fell through we agreed to a specific time and place on Sunday. The final message I received that night was “amazing”. Being me, I sent a quick message a few hours before I started to get ready Sunday, just to confirm that we were still on. Radio silence. Something felt weird, but I got dressed, and went out anyways. We were only days away from the second lockdown announcement so I figured getting out of the house would do me good no matter what. 10 minutes go by, then 15. I sent a message asking what his ETA was. No response. I order a beer, and let him know. Nothing. 45 minutes later, the realization struck hard and fast, I had been stood up.  

Fast forward 4 days later to one single phrase “Fuck I’m so sorry”. No explanation, no further conversation, nothing. So, umm… that was fun right?

Final Thoughts

Dating is always tough. But what I am discovering is, I pretty much get to jump over every hurdle at once right now, and it is exhausting! I won’t give up, because… well… it’s me. That said, I hope summary posts like this are not the new norm. I just really want to start something amazing up! It’s been far too long since I’ve felt in person butterflies, and hot damn do I miss it.

Thank you to all who have bought me a virtual beer via my Patreon. This is the liquid fuel to keep my creative juices flowing, and I try to reward accordingly. Some of the perks include access to all my written work, early access to my podcast, and of course the higher your tier, the more NSFW I post.