I wanted this post to be about May’s sex positive challenge that I will be running on Twitter, IG, and Facebook, but, in light of what happened yesterday on Twitter, I feel this article is very important to write and share.
An account I follow shared a harmless meme, asking what people’s preferred body hair style on woman. It could just as easily been about any pubic hair customization for that matter and I would love if someone had one for all sexes. But, I digress. A commentor made an off the cuff remark in regards to their personal preference following it up with, they wouldn’t ever pick the fully shaved one as they are not an 8 year old girl. I went into full rage mode. OK, first I asked them to consider editing the post, but they doubled down, and I went off in classic me RANT mode. For full details of the interaction if you’re curious please check out my Twitter. But to the point of this article, let me share (unedited) my takeaway of the events, after I had a chance to reflect and sleep on it:
“In light of what happened yesterday and my raging on here, I want to make a quick clarifying statement. I love history, and spend the majority of my spare time reading and exploring it. It is through knowing our past that we can shape the future we want. This works in a historical sense, as well as in our individuals lives. The mistake we do not want to make, is holding onto outdated ideas and allowing them to remain normal. It is up to each of us to call out sexism, bigotry, hatred, and any statement that is no longer ethical by today’s standards. Do not repeat the mistakes of the past. Learn, grow, and shape your vocabulary to be forward thinking and inclusive. And if you make a mistake, own it, correct it, and do not repeat it! “
I changed my whole writing schedule for this blog post, because when sexism, racism, bigotry happen, we must stand up and react. This is a shared responsibility of all members of society. And pieces like this are an integral part of being a sex positive individual. I am constantly learning, taking accountability for my past and current actions, and growing as a person. I expect the same of my community. I have zero patience for people who double down on archaic or problematic stances or beliefs. I scream into the void, that we can do better. We can incorporate all the mistakes from the past into a better future for ourselves and the generations to come!
Thank you for reading, liking, sharing, and constantly challenging me to grow into the sex positive individual I am, and I know we can all be. And if that doesn’t get you excited for May’s 30 day sex positive challenge, then I don’t know what will! Ha!
Many years ago, when my partner and I were first starting to navigate what our open relationship could look like, I made a bold claim. I said, in what he probably would describe as a moment of desperation, that I wanted us both to have a girlfriend. Someone that the three of us could hang out with, but more than that, a female that I could confide in. I wanted a sexual new best friend. If you have read any of my posts in regards to women, I was not raised to believe that women could support each other. Instead, I had that whole females are in constant competition myth going on in my head. So, in an attempt to get on board with my partner dating other woman, I hatched a plan that would involve me as well.
It was a terrible plan, born out uncertainty, mistrust, and
just basically a place where I knew if I asked a female on a date, things would
go terribly. I was not in a head space
to date women. I didn’t ask myself what
I actually wanted, or what I would be willing to offer a female. So, I went back to my norm, and decided that
if a female fell into my lap it would be in an organic way, and zero effort
would be required. Flash forward 8
years, and other than foursomes, I have been on exactly 2 dates with
women. And both times, it was with the
pretence of just doing it to making the dating of four people easier. So that whole, it will happen organically,
has not proven to be the case.
I think part of the issue, is that, while I will fully admit
that I am attracted to humans, and not specific genders. The underlying fact is that women make me
nervous. And not for the reasons that you
may think. I am nervous about hurting a woman’s
feelings, or not being able to be my assertive self. What I mean by that, is I set ground rules,
then expect them to be followed implicitly because I am a passive lover. With women, I wouldn’t even know how to
start. I have this whole, romantic
notion in my head, and nowhere in that scenario is a discussion about likes,
dislikes, or who leads versus follows.
And this ambiguity, has ensured that I do not make any first
steps when it comes to women. I have on our
couple profiles that I am sexually comfortable, but primarily straight. It feels wrong to say that I am curious or bisexual,
because I have never felt that connection or intimacy with a woman that has
tipped the scales. In fact, my female
experiences have been drunk, or from incredibly aggressive women that have
actually scared me off. I can say for certainty
that having a stranger force their tongue down my throat while I am getting off
is NOT a kink of mine.
So, why do I write this post? Honestly, because I am questioning if my relationship fluid nature, also extends to gender fluidity. I am curious what it would be like, yet, feel held in place by not wanting to lead anyone on, or worse, make a female feel that I was just using them to really find out if I have more of a bisexual tendency than I realize. And I am nervous about opening pandoras box. I don’t know if I would be able to handle the attention of being non-monogamous and a little bit bi-sexual. That feels like far too much responsibility to handle. And to all you incredible people on Twitter that are both, I am in awe daily of how you navigate that, schedule and maintain the complexity of the relationships, and just live so authentically! So here I sit, on the sidelines, questioning my sexuality, and wondering what having an actual girlfriend would look like…
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If you search for blogs discussing sex myths, you are going to find a tonne of them. Some that you may laugh, cringe, cry, or even, dare I say, learn something from? In this post I would like to focus on a few that personally had an effect on my sex life. And why, I always try and push for better sexual education and open and honest, consent first, discussions when it comes to sex. Some myths cause far more harm than others but the fact remains all of these sex myths impacted my path to being sex positive.
Myth 1: You can tell a woman is ready by how wet she is
A woman shows she’s ready for sex by being wet enough for immediate penetration. While physiologically, yes, this may happen, there were numerous times in my world of monogamy where I wanted a quickie and was not quite wet. The man I was sleeping with would grow concerned that I just didn’t want it, based on my level of self lubrication. And would either be turned off, or try and get me wet (so I guess that’s a plus?). The thing was, he believed my bodies response, over my words as a direct result of this myth. Obviously this made a huge impact on my views of my body, and I would try and pre-game so to speak to ensure I was always wet enough for sex. All I can say to this, is I now have a container of lube on every level of my house, and is always a part of my sex purse. Why? Because lube (affiliate link to my favorite lube) is awesome and this myth is crazy.
Myth 2: Anal sex makes you cool
In this one, I am going to lump a whole bunch of anal
misconceptions that I have into one paragraph with the disclaimer that I was
very ill informed about anal sex right from the get go, and basically had zero
business doing it, or talking about it. I
could blame my catholic school girl sex education, porn, or the internet in
general for the misinformation, but I think it is better to just dispel this myth
altogether and all the variations that go along with it.
Once you warm up the first time, you shouldn’t
have to spend as much time warming up the next.
The type or quality of the lube does not matter,
it’s all about the volume of it.
Having sex in the butt is the ultimate way to
show your man that you love him.
You are super bad ass and sexy as fuck if you do
it in the butt. That’s what bad girls
do, and the taboo makes you hella cool.
A quick summary on this one, yes, I at one time or another
was exposed and believed these myths to be true. As a result, I am still anal sex conflicted
and did spend a significant amount of time healing from a very bad experience.
Myth 3: A woman can only orgasm from one body part
Now this one, is a bit of a gray area for me. I remember watching the Friends episode that
discussed all the different erogenous zones, and while TV shouldn’t be the way
people form their base sexual education, the reality is that it happens all the
time. So, I was fully aware that women
could get sexual pleasure from more than one place. With that being said, the episode did focus
on the big finale, so I for a long time equated all my erogenous zones with being
part of the fourplay. It wasn’t until
much later in life that I embraced the fact that I can have a pretty amazing
orgasm just from having my breasts sucked in a certain way and that it doesn’t
always have to peak with PIV (penis in vagina) sex. The reason I include this one in my list of
myths that affected me, is due to the fact that I have had more conversations
than I can count with men absolutely mystified by this little tidbit. No, I am not some magical, sexual anomaly. In
fact, I think if more people understood that sex and orgasms are much for fluid
in nature for woman, sex in general would improve for many.
So in an effort to keep this short and sweet, I am going to leave this list at 3. Please feel free to share your own myths, and how they affected you, via this blog, on my Patreon, or on Twitter.
When you have a society that deems sex as taboo or negative in general, people find some pretty clever ways to come out to each other on the down low. As you may have read in my post about Re-branding the term swingers, I talked about key parties, shag carpets, and the ways media has branded the swinger. Now let’s talk about a few of the more common swinger myths. And a huge thanks to @yycjfl_yycguy for being brave enough to ask “what is with the pineapple, flamingo, and gnome in the lifestyle.” So without further ado, let’s talk about some of the myths and tricks to spot a fellow non-monogamous person in the wild!
First up, is the pineapple. Legend has it, that if you are grocery
shopping and you are looking to get a few new sexy folks to join you for that
evening’s fondue, you would put a pineapple upside down in the top part of your
shopping cart. This would be a clear
sign to swingers that you and your spouse were looking to get some strange that
night and to come on over! Hot tub and
sexy times were sure to follow for those special people who were in the know.
Second, the flamingo. Often we see people celebrating an over the
hill birthday party get inundated with 40 pink flamingos in their yard as a
special shout out from their nearest and dearest. But what about that lonely solo flamingo? Is he there just a constant reminder that you
are getting older and wiser day by day?
Maybe not. In the world of the
non-monogamous, this could be a sign that a swinger does in fact live here. Doesn’t it have a nice ring? Pink flamingo and ready to mingle? I think so!
Third, the gnome. This creepy little yard ornament has for a
long time been the antique collectors pokemon go. Gotta collect them all! But for a few subdivisions in the states,
having a gnome on your front porch is a signal to neighbors that swingers are willing
and waiting inside. While this does not
seem to be one of the universal signs, it is one the stranger ones for me, as I
struggle to wrap my brain around one of those weirdly shaped statues representing
a callout for sexy times, but that could just be me.
Fourth, the black ring. Now this started as an urban myth, and has
actually gained quite a bit of popularity in the last few years. So much so, that a few companies are now
selling black couples rings to be worn on the right hand to signify a non-monogamous
pairing. This is a growing trend, and
one still has to be a little weary as many industrial industries require black
silicon rings for safety rather than metal to be worn. So you might not want to approach under the assumption
that just because it’s black, in means they are… well… I cannot come up with a catchy
rhyme right now, but you get the idea.
Overall, I think these little myths
and legends are a lot of fun to think about, and play around with. But as always, you must tread lightly, because
more often then not, these are just myths.
And while we try very hard to signal our sexy intent out in the wild,
these are not universally known and could get you into heaps of trouble if done
incorrectly. Or perhaps that’s just the
cautionary voice in me speaking out.
Maybe it’s time to just throw caution to the wind and display that cute
pink flamingo, standing beside a garden gnome, with my upside down pineapple
welcome mat, and the garage door open just a crack and a paper bag with a tea
light in it… and OK, I could go on and on here with all the various myths and
legends I have heard. The best way to
find someone? Join a facebook group,
check out a local swingers club, or find a non-monogamous social or munch. The best way after all will always be face to
face! Happy hunting!
Do you have a fun myth you would like included in this list? Share in the comments section, or reach out via twitter!
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I was sent a very click bait titled article yesterday from a friend of mine, called “Asking if Women are Ill Suited to Monogamy”. I was intrigued none the less, and thankful that he vetted the article before sending it and had warned me that the title was deceptive and the contents were well worth the read. If you’re listening to the audio, I highly recommend pausing and clicking on the article that I’ve linked here. Ok, has everyone read it? Perfect.
So here is a common narrative that many would agree is promoted in our society; that women are considered the driving force behind monogamy, and wants to settle down for a variety of reasons including the “parental investment theory”. And this goes hand in hand with the “good girl” vernacular that has been re-enforced throughout the generations. I was definitely raised and fully conditioned to believe this, hook, line and sinker. In fact, I not only believed it, but I even tried to take monogamy to the extreme, by choosing a man who was my first, and only sexual partner to marry. And thus I was so taken in by the one and only for life reasoning that not even my imagination was safe to wander. For a seemingly extreme example when I was monogamous, I felt overwhelming guilt anytime someone other than my boyfriend would pop into my head during a sex dream. It was so ingrained in me that I would try and force myself to think of him as I fell asleep to try and prevent anyone else from sneaking in there during my deepest dreams. And I think that may be why I started to dream I was a man, who slept with a bunch of women. My dream state wanted to explore and was going to find every single loophole it could to accomplish that. But we will save Freud and dream analysis for another time.
And that’s just one example of what indoctrination can do to a person, even something a seemingly innocuous as monogamy. And just one of the many instances that I look back upon my time in monogamy and realize it just wasn’t for me. But getting back to the article, the suggestion is that non-monogamy may be the cure for low libido with a focus on women. That there is evidence to suggest when women fantasize about other men, their sex drive increases. Thus, making the current female monogamy narrative seem more like a myth. Are our libidos and this relationship norm actually at odds? It’s certainly an interesting subject. And one that I am excited to explore further.
So, for my perspective in all of this, I have to be completely honest that while my mental well being is much better off being non-monogamous and my fantasies and dream state far more satisfying, my sex drive has not actually changed. I have always had a higher than average sex drive. So, I cannot entirely relate to the notion of sex dropping off by nearly 40 percent when in a long term monogamous relationship. Having said that, there is ample evidence that this is the standard norm and I do hear it often enough from friends and clients. So, as I’m starting to get a little more used to, I may again be the outlier so we have to discount my personal experience for the time being.
Because women are taught that sex always dies in the end, and thus marrying your best friend is the most important criteria for a long lasting marriage, there has been more comradery in sexual bedroom death rather than addressing it as an issue. And this has also legitimized the false notion that men are more sexual than women. It is such an important realization to acknowledge that there may be a problem with reduced sex drive in women and then be forced to look beyond a magic blue pill to fix that. And further to start exploring social factors including more variety of partners just like we have been lead to believe men require for so long. The fact that we are bridging the gender gap in sexuality is incredible, by exploring a female’s sexual experience and not just the males? I am so pleased with the questions beyond the quick fixes.
So, while I love the thought provoking points I really want to caution my readers in regards to the last paragraph in the referenced article. The author is surmising that women are going to become more masculine in their sexuality, and by that she says we will see “more women getting laid and leaving, having sex without wanting to bond, more girls up in their rooms clicking on their computer and masturbating before they get started on their homework.” I personally think it’s a huge mistake to call these behaviours masculine or feminine. If your sexuality allows for less of an emotional bond with sex, we should not conclude you are more masculine. Nor should we surmise that masturbating to release an itch before work, or a project is gender specific. It’s a harmful narrative to promote. We cannot educate in a sex positive way by relegating sexuality to gender or boxes like that. Instead we need to promote more fluidity. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I tried to force my brain to dream in a way that was socially acceptable to monogamy, and my brain broke free… continually. So with that in mind, we don’t want to make the mistake of shifting our thought process from one gender to the next. Instead we must explore sexuality as a whole, or whenever possible, on an individual basis.
So to all my readers, give yourselves permission to explore your sexuality in a way that excites you and makes you feel like a complete being, to whatever end brings you joy. If living a narrative of monogamy makes you feel complete and satisfied by all means keep doing what you’re doing. And if you have an itch that may need scratching, talk to your partner, and see if there is a way that you can incorporate fantasy or reality into your life. You no longer have to accept that long term commitments will inevitably leave you without a satisfying sex life. We are living in exciting times, where articles like this are being written and researched, allowing us to break free of ingrained social narratives and become just a little more aware that being the “good girl” isn’t always the answer and does not always mean you are going to live happily, sexually satisfied, ever after.
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