Getting Back to Nudity and Nature

Nudity and Nature

For the past few years I have been running on empty, treading water so to speak (not that I actually knew what was happening or what was wrong at the time).  I found myself in a situation with too many changes at once.  I was forced to pick a new career, and that put everything I had and was into flux.  I was completely overwhelmed by uncertainty.  My default mode was to just stay positive.  Remain optimistic and hopeful that things would inevitably get better, because they had to.  If I just kept putting good things into the universe then at some point, the good would have to flow back to me.

Well, that dam finally broke and I was no longer able to hold it together.  As I watched everything around me crumble, I felt despair in the realization that hope was no longer going to feed me, or keep a roof over my head.  It was terrifying.  After what I believe was akin to a panic attack I reached out for professional help.  There was no way I could reset myself alone.  I was done.  What I had been doing for 3 and a half years was no longer working.  I needed guidance, and a new way to approach the seemingly insurmountable stress and help me find meaning in my new direction. 

At this point, I want to point out that I am not trying to give any medical or professional advice when it comes to mental health.  I knew I was in trouble, but the whole, you don’t know what you don’t know was rattling in my head.  And it took a highly trained professional to hone in on exactly what I was missing.  And that, was to give myself permission to recharge.  To take a break in my day, and do an activity that I loved, could bring me joy, and allow me to give myself a mental, physical, and emotional break.  For you see, I had been treading water for so long, that I got myself into a feedback loop whereby I could only get ahead if I gave it everything I had.  And if I failed, it was simply because I was not working hard enough.  But I wasn’t getting ahead, so I need to push harder, and not stop until I reached the goal.  In all that struggle, I lost myself.  I lost the joy in life, and I couldn’t relax.  Every single time I watched TV, guilt would strangle me.  That nagging voice telling me I should be writing, I should be networking, I should be taking photos, and podcasting and creating and on and on and on.  I was burnt out. 

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It took a professional for my stubborn self to let go, and accept that I needed this recharge.  And not only once.  I needed to work into my daily and weekly schedule a time to rest, relax, laugh, and just have some fun doing an activity outside of my normal routine.  Life will always have stress, and life will always have difficult times ahead.  It’s how we choose to react, and how we interpret the events that really matters.  Perspective is everything.  And if that perspective is based on facts, then guess what?  You’re laughing.  And I could only see that, once I had allowed my mind, body, and soul to stop running on empty.  To take a real break.  And to incorporate joy and rest into my day. 

So why then did I call this post nudity and nature you may ask?  Well, because for the past 2 weeks, I have been getting out into nature to write, and I am celebrating this momentous change in my perspective.  Or perhaps, more of a refresh, back towards something I used to do when life was just a little bit easier or at the very least with a clear path.  Once I got into nature, and found a beautiful secluded place, all I wanted to do was strip down and become one with it.  Cliché or not, I just felt incredibly joy in standing with my bare breasts in the sunshine, taking all the beauty in, and knowing for the next few hours this was my sanctuary.  To celebrate all the joy, to smile, and to sit down and write completely distraction and internet free.  If anyone wants to share in my joy, please check out my Patreon to see the full images of me at one with nature. 

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And, if any of you resonated with this post please reach out.  There is no shame in it.  We need to ensure that we are working together to end the stigma around mental health.  And that starts with talking about it.  Normalizing the stresses we feel, and removing shame or guilt in not being able to do everything on your own.

Trust, Privacy, and Openness

For all my openness and blogging and social media, I am at the core, a private person.  I have trusted many, and been burned just as often.  It hasn’t make me more cynical or guarded, just more aware of those around me.  I don’t let people in easily and when I do, well, I still maintain a bit of coldness from time to time.  It is sincerely not a trait I am conscious of, but upon the days interactions and reflections I can see moments that I wish I had been a little more inviting.  Overall, I know I have the largest inner circle of my entire life, and I have truly incredible people with whom I love dearly.  And what’s more they are people I have chosen, and am lucky enough that they have chosen me.  But let’s get on track here, I find it difficult to navigate between trust, privacy, and openness.


I keep many aspects of my personal life under lock and key, especially things that I have struggled with, or currently am struggling with.  And to be a little more specific, I tend not to discuss things that really suck but are out of my control.  I don’t want to whine, or bitch about my very absent family.  I don’t want to lament the fact that my step dad is now visibly absent from my life.  And I certainly do not want to go on and on about how I just don’t have the income that I feel is proper for where I want to be in life.  Instead, I keep these things to myself, and just keep picking away at them.  I work on my perceptions, my reactions to these nagging voices, and I keep doing what I love, which is writing.


Is the outside perception that I am fake or cold because I don’t talk about my problems?  Perhaps, but the thing of it is, I just don’t know where that line should be.  I am find sharing about 2 minutes of my problems with my friends and loved ones, but then I just want to move on.  I want desperately to discuss adventure, and all the wonderful things about our lives.  I don’t want to dwell on what cannot be immediately changed or fixed.  I have my problems, as I know those around me do.  I work hard at fixing them, little by little and just don’t find talking about them will ever solve the issues.  Because there are things that cannot be fixed by words or actions.  There are many things that are out of our control and it’s more important to learn to cope, accept or even just not sweat it when push comes to shove.


But again, there is a nagging voice in me that wonders if people think I’m phoney for not bitching about my life.  If perhaps, I have set a standard that they feel uncomfortable getting real with me, until I get real with them.  Is this all in my imagination?  Am I simply rationalizing a fear that is all in my head?  Honestly, I just don’t know.  So I am putting this out into the world with earnest hope that the percolation process will help me find calm, or even acceptance to a shortcoming of mine that I often fear.  That real, terrifying fear that when people learn everything about me, they will leave…


Thank you to all who have liked, shared and followed my journey so far. 

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Social Media Versus Reality: Gender

I saw a tweet on Father’s Day, that basically asked you not to wish dad’s a happy father’s day if you are not sure of their preferred pronoun.  And well, this got me thinking…

Every time I take a social media break and get out into the real world I am stunned by the dichotomy of the two worlds.  And specifically I am talking about gender.  While I will not claim to be any sort of expert when it comes to all the gender diversity, I am certainly one who likes to have an open mind and always learn more.  I try to write with a less male/female vernacular, and I do attempt to employ the “softer” tones of they or them when it makes the words flow a little more naturally.  I do this, mostly because I want my writing to be relatable.  I want people to seamlessly put themselves in my shoes or gauge a new perspective free of the gender limits.  And while I cannot promise to always get it correct, I am happy to have a broader voice that appeals to more people.

With that in mind, I sometimes forget just how staggeringly different the real world is.  Social media is this idealized bubble of how society should be, mixed with trolls and outliers for a strange balance.  It works in a weird way.  I feel secure in my views and fairly happy that I am surrounded by so many sex positive and open minded individuals, even though I have no clue what many of them look like, (thanks social media).  We get along on a level that is interesting and often educational for me.  And that is in stark contrast to the realities of the offline world.

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Take for example washrooms.  The online world makes it seem like genderless washrooms are becoming more and more common place and are an inclusive, amazing steps for businesses, schools and events to start incorporating.  And in the social media bubble, I am all for it.  No one should ever feel shamed for using the restroom.  But then, I get out into the real world and remember that going to the bathroom in front of people is absolutely awful!  I do not like peeing in front of women, so how in the hell could I comfortably do that with all genders in the same space?  Oh, wait… I do.  In many swing clubs, they have a bathroom where both men and women can go together to ensure that partners do not unnecessarily get separated from each other.  So, the reality is I have been doing this for years.  And yet, in the normal day to day setting, it feels uncomfortable and just plain wrong to do.  Especially in the workplace or in educational facilities. But a swing club is like a little invite only bubble, just as social media is.  Maybe in some future reality bodily functions won’t be such a big deal.  But today, in the here and now, I do not enjoy public washrooms!

So, let’s look at another example.  Using social media, I again try to use an inclusive voice.  I work hard to be mindful of my diverse network of people.  And in doing so, I try and catch myself when I call out men or women for bad behaviour.  I make many attempts to broaden my finger pointing and use words like people, or humans or really anything that removes gender.  But, the real world is a stark contrast from this online community.   I won’t lie, it’s so refreshing to sit down with a girlfriend and bitch about all the ways men and women are different.  To talk about gender in the workplace and just how lopsided even something as benign as dress code is.  For you see, the workplace is not an open and genderless environment.  Perhaps someday it will be, but right now, we are not even close to that.  It is polarized.  Men do this, wear this, talk like this, and women have their own rules for behaviour, dress and acceptable language they can use.

Gender exists all around us.  We see men who hold open doors, believe in being chivalrous, and always pay on a first date.  We see women getting dolled up, wearing high beautiful heels, and acting in a way that opens the door for me to take care of them.  If you go to a bar, you see men talking crash and crude, objectifying women.  And you see women gossiping and bitching for hours on end over a few bottles of wine.  Men work the physically challenging roles, and drink beer to unwind.  And the ladies, well, they are the nurses, the teachers and the caregivers.  Will this change?  Of course it will.  We are constantly evolving.  But when you talk on social media forums, it feels like men and women are being shamed for doing things that feel natural to their specific genders.  And we must remember that that is not healthy either.  It takes time to undo decades of gender roles and our socialization.  And truly, I don’t see a problem with maintaining a certain level of division, so long as there is a place to include those who want to break free of their moulds.

We are living in a polarized real world society, with the online community providing us an ideological space.  There are going to be clashes as we figure this all out.  But if I can offer one peace of advice, just be open, understanding and inclusive wherever possible.  Don’t get too stressed out about calling people him/her/they/them.  Just be kind and respectful if you are ever corrected.  This is going to take time to figure out a system that works for as many people as possible.  We cannot expect language or gender norms like this to change overnight.

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Q.E. – Nature and Nurture

When I was in grade school I remember learning about the debate surrounding nature versus nurture and how the scientific community was working on research with twins to prove if genetics stand alone in a persons predisposition.  Imagine my surprise to learn in a university course that this debate is no longer an issue.  In fact scientists have determined that the code is genetic, environmental and developmental and not just any sole area, working together to form our genetic disposition.  Aside from feeling a little old at having lived through a theory and an actual solution in my lifetime it also gives me amazing hope at finding the answers in my own life.
Let me share with you the question that I have been thinking about this last year, thus making an impact on my belief system.  How much time do you currently exert on your partners happiness.  Or to put another way, how much time do you invest in measuring your own happiness based on your partners emotional level.  I spent the last two days in personal reflection mode, whereby I kept track on day one of all of my negative comments.  On day two I kept track of all the positive comments that I made (which was even more interesting as I was moderately hungover).  When I took a long hard look at my results it was very eye opening as to whom my negative and or positive comments were geared and directed.  So then where do I take this information in relation to my blog?  Why of course in the direction of what my relationship status is compared to my previous long term one. 
I have written on my happiness.  And I work daily to ensure that I am responsible for my own happiness, and games like this really eye open for me my strengths and weakness’.  I happily report that shifting the focus onto positive comments about myself and those around has improved my personal relationships without even trying.  Confident and sexy me, is the only focus I need to have as the rest is a very happy result.  I took a risk and shifted my train of thought onto doing things that I enjoy and enhancing to my life.  I no longer sit watching my partner, wondering if he’s happy.  Wondering if he is faithful, or willing to stay with me long term, and a million other things that have gone through my head.  I wasted years of energy on this battle and let me assure you I found no winners, or even answers, just more painful questions. 
We are a result of our genes, our environment, and our development, and I cannot stress just how amazingly important this is.  I am not plagued by the same plagues of my family.  I am an individual result of everything that surrounds me and has the capacity to influence me.  I gained to much in changing a focus that was instilled since I was a little girl, “how to please your man”.  For my this was my biggest downfall, as I was not pleasing myself first.  When I was in a funk I relied on someone else to get me out of it, rather than knowing myself through and through.  How much benefit would there be to you to not worry or stress about someone that you will never be able to control?  For me the answer is priceless.  At the end of the day, there is me and only me.  I nurture my own destiny as an adult, and of course questioning everything around me.

My Nature…

I find it quite hard to write about personal things, but I am going to try something different, as it is birthday season in my family and turning new leaves and what not, so here goes.  Rather than a rebuttal about a woman’s nature to my previous post, I am instead going to write my personal opinion of my sex and relationship nature seeing as my readers are mostly female it will be easier than generalizing.

It took me quite a few years to realize that my ability to change my mind and views about relationships and sex was not necessarily a bad thing.  I always thought that changing my mind made me appear wishy washy, and under confident.  This came out in both long term and short term interactions with men.  However, after open minded reading of sex at dawn I finally came to an understanding and appreciation of how this can be turned into a real gift.  Woman really do have a sexual power over men.  We have multiple orgasms, and more importantly the ability to be turned on by a vast array of variety.  This is a concept that took me a long time to figure out that the power inside does not make me “slutty”.  Instead makes me a healthy and well rounded individual. 

It is not easy to stand up as a woman and proudly say that “I love sex” and that I do not necessarily want to end up sleeping with the exact same man day in and day out for the rest of my life.  This became especially clear to me when it dawned on me just how depressing the lives are of the middle aged married couple.  The kids move out and boom, rather than doing something to solve or spice up the marriage, the only option is divorce.  Boredom leads to idle hands and over active imaginations.  

To be clear, I am not in any way promiscuous, not that that should add or subtract any weight from the point I want to get across.  But I am aware of that strong sexual urge that sometimes exists for someone outside of your partner.  And how dare society say that’s a bad thing. If safety comes first and you are honest with your partner this is only an urge and should not mean that there is any less stability or security when you get home.  The idea that religion has placed on so many people that sex leads to marriage or vice versa is B.S.  The number of unhappy couples out there because of religion, and/or society forcing them to stay together is enough that I have brought it up numerous times in previous blogs.

I love getting dressed up and feeling sexy for both my man, as well as other men.  Turning heads of other men and sometimes women, is a great feeling.  Yet I recently read a Dear Ann letter written by a reader  that was so unhappy that her husband was even looking at other woman that she was ready to threaten divorce.  What made this story so notable to me, is that the respondent actually sided with the woman and told her that she was right to think that mere looks were cheating and she should tell her husband that if he doesn’t stop she would leave him.  Yes putting boundaries is very important in a relationship, but who wants to live in a society that is going backwards in time?  If a man cannot even look at other woman isn’t that a parallel to the corsets, or ankle and wrist covered clothing woman needed to wear not even less than 150 year ago?

In getting back to writing about me, I look all the time.  I am very aware of my surroundings and I enjoy flirting thoroughly.  I also take a lot of pride when my man gets flirted with, that he is desirable to other woman.  And I am completely OK with this and it can actually be a turn-on.  I am learning to use my ever changing sexual turn ons as a positive addition to my personality rather than a negative.  This hasn’t always been easy, and I stumble every now and then, but overall the experiences both good and not so good make up who I am.  Sex is fantastic and confidence makes it even better.