The Pain of Ghosting

That Too Many of Us Know

The Pain of Ghosting

I’ve had my opinions on why ghosting someone sucks for years. Never for a moment did I think a person who ghosts someone else was an admiral human being. In fact, the contrary. I still believe that a person who just stops responding for no reason is a coward, and spineless. These individuals are not ready to date, because I believe dating adults need to understand how to end a relationship, and handle rejection with grace. But that is an article for another time (or just the one I link to later on), for now, let me share my recent experience with being ghosted.  Just so we are on the same page, let me start with the definition.

What is ghosting?

It is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Why am I writing about this?

Because, I was seeing a guy for almost 9 weeks, and out of the blue, he just stopped responding to any messages where I said I wanted to see him. And then, just stopped messaging me altogether.

The thing about this is, I always assumed that ghoster’s would be douchebags, or FuckBoys, or people with zero confidence. I thought that I was smart enough to spot someone who would do that to another person a mile away. Well, I was just knocked down a peg, and my dating confidence was in fact called into question. It’s difficult to be left with all these unanswered questions. To be just left wondering. And what’s worse, to have it done to you by someone that you genuinely thought was just a kind, amazing soul. This guy and I clicked. We made each other smile, and the in-person chemistry was fantastic, or so I thought. Because ultimately, I will never know for sure. My perception remains invalidated due to his silence.

It’s not that I expected this relationship to be forever. But, he made me happy, and did incredibly sweet things for me and I tried to be spontaneous and thoughtful in return. I felt amazing in his arms, and just thinking about him made me smile.  But here I am, wondering, if it was all in my head?

The lack of closure, is uncomfortable. The uncertainty of what happens if we ever run into each other again is real. These situations are not what I expected to encounter as an adult in the dating world. Ghosting, shouldn’t happen when you’re in your late 30’s (as we both were). There just doesn’t seem to be a rational reason with the simplicity of texting at our fingertips.

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate link)

But then the compassionate, bleeding heart in me goes… wait… did something happen to him? Maybe it wasn’t me. Perhaps that last message I sent him was the final kick in the nuts, and I’m the real asshole now. Maybe I pushed him too far, and really, he was planning on seeing me, but wanted it to be a surprise (Ha… OK that is a stretch).  In short though, welcome to my brain, because it would be easier for me to be the one in the wrong.  If that was the case, I can fix my behaviour, own it, or basically have some sort of control. Being ghosted like this, takes all power away from me, and leaves that sickening helpless feeling. Which, I know some of you may be wondering what my final text to him was, because if you know me at all, helpless is not something I tolerate.  So here goes pain and all:

“Kinda bummed you just stopped messaging or making an effort to see me. I thought we got along well, and really enjoyed spending time with you. Le sigh…”

Of course his response… Nothing!

So, to all of us out there dating, please don’t ghost other humans. If you have no idea how to face rejection or reject another human, please give the Handling Rejection section of How to Start Conversations. In short, just be good to each other. Truly, we have all been through enough with 2020!

For those of you who love behind the scenes content, or just want to throw some beer money my way, please check out my Patreon.

The Rollercoaster of My Life

Yoga Calming the Rollercoaster

The past few days have been a shiny example of the rollercoaster of life, and true to form I am going to openly and honestly share a few of the highlights and my thoughts. My personal life is going through some pretty significant changes. I am questioning what I want from future relationships and openly exploring what that might look like for myself, and those around me.  My book has taken what I consider to be an incredible turn, and I am writing with more passion and purpose than I have in a long time.  Also, I have met a person who is treating me the way I had always hoped was possible but never dreamed I deserved. It’s new, fresh, and very exiting.  And while I am just trying to live in the moment, and take things that are really new day by day, it’s difficult not to look back on my past and wonder why I made certain decisions.

While all these pretty significant things are going on and bringing me beautiful little highs, I am getting slammed back into reality at what seems every fricken turn. Physically I am in a pain, but healing from a sprained wrist and body aches from an icy fall I had. Emotionally, I am at a place where I am trying to be vulnerable with one person, and putting up walls and boundaries with another. It is an exhausting struggle, that multiple times during the day I worry that I am just going to break, say the wrong thing, or cave all together. The balancing act is treacherous, and I look forward to the day when all this emotional regulating pays off. Unfortunately, I see no end in sight, and that makes my emotions difficult to anticipate. Which in turn, makes me a little volatile, and wanting to just run away to some safe haven, and hunker down until everything has stabilized.

So, while all the real world stuff is playing ping pong with my emotions, I spent yesterday reading the comment section from my last blog post. Not only, did I get to read fully unsubstantiated claims, I also found out that my troll is back. Normally I just smile, and calmly respond to haters (I’ve done it for years and am pretty adept at not taking things personally), but yesterday, it broke me. Call it bad timing, or whatever you want, but honestly, I just dropped my head down on my desk and started crying.

(Need a break? Why not earn real prizes for taking quick surveys using this affiliate link?)

Breaking Away from Monogamy is my blog. It is filled with my words, my experiences, and my truth. To have that questioned, and then my integrity called out within a few hours by multiple people just shook me. Yes, I recognize that by admitting that the troll got to me, I am opening myself to more trolling. When it comes to random internet attention seeking there is nothing I can do or say to make it stop aside from ignore it which I usually end up doing. Today however, I am choosing to be honest in saying that the so called “truth” seeker is a thorn in my side. And the timing of that person coming back into my life just plain sucks.

But, here I sit, writing about all these rollercoaster events happening, and thanks to an amazing nights sleep, I may finally be regulating on the side of that little thing called hope. There are great human beings out there. A few of you even reached out and supported me yesterday, which was beyond appreciated. And that is what I will try and focus on. Hope is healing me. And I wish the same for each and every one of you out there. Take a pause and focus on one tiny thing that glimmers with possibilities. Hold that in your mind, visualize it, materialize it before you, and let that be your 2021 ray of sunshine. I’ve got my hope written on my calendar beside me, and I read it every morning and smile. And I want all of you to have the same.

For all the behind the scenes photos and a full collection of my work, please consider subscribing to my Patreon. Stay for an hour, a week, whatever you choose my gratitude will be the same, huge!

Dating Outside of the Non-Monogamous World

Homage to Elmer Fudd: The Hunt is on…

I recently made a choice, for better or for worse remains to be seen, but it’s this, to start looking for people outside of the non-monogamous community to date. It was/is not an easy decision, and one that I know is going to bring with it challenges far beyond what I can even imagine. The thing is though, it is the only logical thing to do. I am not happy with the people I have met from the non-monogamous dating sites (to be clear dating site are not the same as online communities). I know saying that is going to ruffle some feathers, but my whole premise of being open and honest right from the get go, has bit my ass far too many times. In fact, it has done nothing but, and I am just over it. Not one success story going alone? Just read A Few Almost Dating Stories for example.  Ok, fool me once, but now it’s time to try something new, dating outside of non-monogamy.

When I met my now ex, I was monogamous. He opened my eyes to a relationship norm that I never knew existed and I found my place in the world, eventually… haha! That gives me hope that there is someone out there, or multiple someone’s that the same can be true. I feel guilty at moments, and right now, I am putting myself through sexual hell by not sleeping with this guy until we have a big chat (OK, that was the plan anyways, but again, future post!). Which if I’m being honest may not be something I ever do again.  But, this is attempt one, at getting back into being an amazing flirt, and allowing someone to fall for me, and not my relationship status. Does that make any sense?

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate link)

My horror stories with being sexualized, fetishized, and all the things from non-monogamous (or pretending to be non-monogamous people) over the past few years tells me one thing… I want more from a relationship! I want to be cared and cherished for more than just the idea that we don’t have to be monogamous. I want to be the booty that someone craves, for at least a little while. You know, just craving each other, again and again. Really getting to know each other without distractions, building a foundation, before opening up. Wait, does this mean I am finally ready to admit that I want to do non-monogamy my way?

If you had asked me 5 years ago if I would ever date a newbie, I would have said hell no. I wasn’t ready to do so, and I wasn’t confident enough to communicate, teach, or guide another human being through what is an often intense range of experiences. Now I can say now that I am no longer that beginner. I teach (often through my mistakes), I guide (after calm reflection on Medium), and I am shocked that the outcome of this is how excited I am to see someone’s eyes open for the first time. Obviously, consent is paramount here. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but, this is something I am ready to experience. And it feels … right somehow. In the way that, I know I won’t get what I want doing what I have been doing. And from my own experience I know that if you’re introduced to non-monogamy in the right way, a safe and supportive way, it can be incredible.

No post would be complete without a huge shout-out to everyone who bought me beers last week through Patreon. I have been in a writer’s creative bliss, and it is in part due to having some delicious creative juices.  Thank you!

2021 – Real and Raw

Real and Raw for 2021

Over the past few weeks I have written some pretty great rants for my blog.  And then I read them over, and realize that nope, they are not for public consumption. Instead they are tough conversation starters that I need to have at home. And it’s funny, that that was why I started blogging in the first place, writing out the hard questions (It was called question everything). Before I developed the skills to talk about the hard stuff, I would write them down, in an ambiguous way and then just hope that the person they were about would read them, and just intuitively decode the message and we could talk about things. Spoiler alert… it NEVER happened.

But, I did get practice writing rants, raves, and general queries out to collect my thoughts. Which turned into better clarity when talking about all the difficulties in my relationship, and of course led to real changes or realizations that things had to be accepted or move on. So why am I sharing this with you? Because my friends, that is who I am. I am real, and raw and ready to tackle 2021. So get ready because I am about to start blogging about solo polyamorous dating.

For those wondering if you missed some huge breakup post or drama filled lament from me, you didn’t.  Why, because there was no need to write one. I am just not a fighter. In fact, in a decade of being together we have had one screaming match… ever. I am talking one big fight, and it was after we were already broken up. I would call it an airing of our drunken grievances if nothing else. So, again, do no hold your breath for some drama fuelled I hate him post, because it just isn’t how I roll. Calm and rational to the end (well in person).

NoMoreWetSpot.com (affiliate link)

I am going to make a tonne of mistakes, because this is a whole new world going it alone in non-monogamy. In fact, I am making one right now that I am kicking myself for (new post coming soon on that one). That being said, I have a sneaking suspicion that this go around in my relationship exploration, there are going to be a lot more posts about peoples reactions to me, and the situations they find themselves in a result of meeting yours truly. There is zero ill will intended, and in a perfect world, everyone would automatically be on the same page as me and we would have great sex and live happily ever after. But, of course we cannot have nice things, especially after 2020.

So, in true me fashion, I hope you enjoy (probably more than I will) the real and raw journey of my solo polyamorous tales going forward. I anticipate bouts of monogamy, dating tales, and well, I don’t even want to guess at all the pitfalls because I might lose my nerve to think of them. Haha! Oh, and I would love to hear your thoughts on using the term ethical when it comes to non-monogamy. For better or for worse, this is going to be a theme I touch on a few times over the next little while, because the word is already becoming problematic. But I will save that for a future post.  Welcome 2021 and my continuing saga of breaking away from monogamy my way.

A huge thank you to everyone who helped fuel me through 2020 on my Patreon! Hopefully the bonus content this year will be even better with sneak peaks of new podcasts, and all the behind the scenes photos you’ve come to enjoy.

A Few Almost Dating Stories

Cheers?

Activating an online dating account is treacherous at the best of times, but add into it a pandemic, being non-monogamous, and for added fun open to dating different genders. In the old days, this would have been a magical event, filled with hilarious stories, intrigue, and of course at least a few sexy tales. After a few months of putting myself out there, I can confirm that we are NOT in the before times, and magic is the opposite of what I would call this period in my life. Never have I come so close to lying or not being authentic on my profile, simply so I can have the smallest of chances. In no particular order, here are a few of the almost dating stories for your reading pleasure.

Exhibit A – Young, and Educated

I was so excited when this newly located young and articulate man arrived in my hometown, and started chatting with me. We hit it off right away and exchanged numbers. He was respectful, intelligent, and very hansom. As we moved towards grabbing a drink our conversations started heating up. We exchanged sexy photos, and I had, what I will admit was the hottest sext afternoon of my life. What thrilled me was his complete sentences, well thought out messages, and the addition of perfectly timed rugged photos that piqued my imagination. In short, I was smitten so, I asked him to pencil me in for an in person beer on Saturday night. He seemed equally excited and told me all the things he wanted to do with me, and even went so far as saying that if we hit if off I could spend the night. But alas, when I texted to confirm, he seemed puzzled by my confirmation. Turns out, he was away for the weekend with the boys and either forgot about our plans or just didn’t care. Either way, our messages came to a weird end. Basically, he just stopped texting, and I will only ask a guy out twice before I take the hint. Chasing each other is hot, but when it’s just one of us, it comes off as desperate.

Exhibit B – The Musician

I started chatting with a very tall, dark, and ruggedly good looking musician a while back. We shared some moments of laughter, quick witted banter, and random schedules. Everything was lining up perfectly for a first date when all of a sudden he showed his true colours, a self defeatist. Now, normally this wouldn’t be a game over for me, but being covid times, the extra struggles of isolation set in. The conversation quickly went from excitement to poor me, I’m the worst with keeping plans, etc (on his end). Now, if it had been any other time, I probably would have tried harder to just get him out for a beer, but things are too risky right now to waste even a moment on someone who potentially will add bad juju to my life. While this one isn’t necessarily dead in the water, I also won’t be pushing for in person until all of this craziness is over.

Shop now at Betty’s Toy Box and use BreakingAway at checkout to fuel this blog and your bedroom!

Exhibit C – Unicorn Hunter

Opening myself up to possibilities, I changed my looking for to include everyone. Enter the pixie haircut, fit, married woman. She was open about having a husband, said she was looking for a connection, and we started rapid fire chatting one evening. I was starting to get really comfortable talking to her when things took an unexpected turn. While talking about what we were both looking for she casually mentioned that she showed my photos to her partner and he would like to meet me too. I replied kindly, that I wasn’t interested in being a unicorn, and was not looking to date couples, especially not solo. She told me it was nothing like that and we chatted a bit further, but then, she went right back into the whole both her and her partner would like to take me on separate dates to ensure that we all get along. I asked why that would matter because I didn’t want to date them both. She assured me it was fine, and I said his photo isn’t even on her profile so I felt like that was a misrepresentation if that’s what the deal was. In a last ditch effort to hook me, her next message was a selfie of the two of them in bed. When I replied that he wasn’t my type because I was only looking for a female, I got blocked. Fun times. Fun times. Note to all out there, if you are looking for a woman to join your couple, just be honest, and have a photo of the both of you! Spurring it on someone feels predatory, and rejection is never a fun thing.

Exhibit D – The Stand Up…Guy

This will be final story in this collection and what a way to end it. So here I was, jiving hard with this guy. We switched over to exchanging numbers, agreed to grab a beer, and had some great flirty conversation. I should mention he was the first guy I’ve chatted with who seemed like a great fit for non-monogamy. His questions were insightful, he was kind, and not at all a horn dog just trying to get laid. He just seemed super genuine about wanting to get to know me further and excited to see how my relationships worked. Which was refreshing!

He was upfront the day we decided to meet may be a little up in the air, time wise, because his dad was going in for surgery. I had all weekend to meet him, so I was pretty flexible on the Saturday. When that fell through we agreed to a specific time and place on Sunday. The final message I received that night was “amazing”. Being me, I sent a quick message a few hours before I started to get ready Sunday, just to confirm that we were still on. Radio silence. Something felt weird, but I got dressed, and went out anyways. We were only days away from the second lockdown announcement so I figured getting out of the house would do me good no matter what. 10 minutes go by, then 15. I sent a message asking what his ETA was. No response. I order a beer, and let him know. Nothing. 45 minutes later, the realization struck hard and fast, I had been stood up.  

Fast forward 4 days later to one single phrase “Fuck I’m so sorry”. No explanation, no further conversation, nothing. So, umm… that was fun right?

Final Thoughts

Dating is always tough. But what I am discovering is, I pretty much get to jump over every hurdle at once right now, and it is exhausting! I won’t give up, because… well… it’s me. That said, I hope summary posts like this are not the new norm. I just really want to start something amazing up! It’s been far too long since I’ve felt in person butterflies, and hot damn do I miss it.

Thank you to all who have bought me a virtual beer via my Patreon. This is the liquid fuel to keep my creative juices flowing, and I try to reward accordingly. Some of the perks include access to all my written work, early access to my podcast, and of course the higher your tier, the more NSFW I post.