AKA Trying to Date While Writing a Blog About Non-Monogamy
The following is a real interaction I had with a guy who randomly messaged me on an online dating site, after reading my blog (I assume the title only). Did I push his buttons a little? Yup. Did I change anything in this conversation? Only the part where I called him out for a mutual hobby of ours (which I did to protect his identity). Why am I sharing a blog post like this? Because I am tired of people not believing me when I say online dating is horrific. And, men want my horror stories all the time, so this will also save me a little breath.
Breaking away from monogamy ? . . . . . Careful that you don’t catch a Sexually Transmitted Disease.
Cool story bro. Thanks!
To each his own. . . . I think sex is so much better, and so much more intimate, under a committed exclusive relationship. . . But, to each his own.
Wow…. again, thanks for the unsolicited opinion!
Good luck to you.
Ahhh,… you’re christian. That explains you thinking you are entitled to judge complete strangers who have done NOTHING to you.
You’re a hypocrite. . . . That is what you are doing. . . I simply stated facts. . . When you have multiple partners who themselves have multiple partners, you are highly likely to contract a Sexually Transmitted Disease . . . . This is a general FACT. . . . .NOT OPINION. . . . Also, sex is a very personal and intimate act. . . . If you are someone who commits that very personal and intimate act with multiple people, it shows that you do not regard sex as a very personal and intimate act, but instead are carelessly feeding your insatiable appetite for lust. . . . It also shows that you don’t know what Love is, and are very likely a cold hearted person who shares her body with anyone.
I feel so sorry for you and your archaic ideas.
And yes, I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. . . . Yes, I do believe that He shed His innocent blood for all of humanity, that we all may be saved from our sins, (which include insatiable appetites for porn and sex), and have personal loving relationship with the Creator.
We’re all going to die sweetie. . . . You’re going to face your Creator one day. . . . I just hope that when that time comes, you’re a believer, that you will face Him as a believer, and not as a condemned sinner. Those men, they don’t love you. . . . They’re just using you.
Awe… Again, my sympathies. I really do feel sad for you.
I’ll pray for you. . . . . Be careful. . . . STDs are real.
Thanks, I can always use a little extra positive energy focused my way!
Thank you all for reading my little tale, and for the record, I did block him. So, this will be the end of our interaction. Onwards and upwards to better people and more interesting stories, because my goodness that was a painful one! Now back to the Sex Positive for 31 Days challenge and posting fun content on my Patreon!!!
These past few nights, I have been haunted in dreams by people from my past. Specifically from the parents who are no longer a part of my life. The reasons for us no longer being family is complicated, but there is an underlying commonality, neither should have ever been parents. That could just be my sleep deprived oversimplification talking, because yes these dreams are keeping me from sleeping through the night, and I think I have figured out why they keep happening. I am afraid of telling new people about my past.
While I can proudly champion the fact that I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am at. To say that I love myself, inside and out…finally. And that taking the summer to really be by myself has been worth it, I cannot escape the realities of the people who used to be in my life, and the hurdles they brought into my life. Sure, I overcame some true obstacles, but I don’t want to be seen as broken. I don’t want to portray this victim vibe, or be called a survivor. I want to be recognized for my own merit. I worked damn hard, and I am proud.
But there is a lingering fear of having to explain to a new person about why I closed the door on so many family members. I don’t want to be viewed as someone who won’t make a good parent due to my upbringing or current isolation. I don’t want the questions of someone with a loving close family to cast me out because I don’t have the same. I fear, that all my hard work, building myself up into the person that I am won’t be enough.
I am not broken. I don’t feel broken, I hope I don’t act broken, and quite frankly, if I do from time to time I feel that’s just an expression of emotion and is valid. Yeah, that sentence confuses me at times too, but coming to terms with feeling vulnerable at times is part of my growth, and not my whole identity. And while I can write that… I don’t want to have to constantly explain myself and situation to others. I want to be loved for who I am now, and cherished for all my hard work, and dreams. I don’t want new people to judge me for a past that was out of my control. No one chooses their parents. I did the very best with what I was born into, and it helped shape me into the loving, compassionate, and at times even funny self.
My dreams though, are reminding me that there is a deep rooted fear that all my hard work is not enough, may never be enough, and I could be doomed to relationship failure. In the daylight, I don’t feel that way, it is only when everything is quiet, and my brain is left to sort its own version of events.
I am in no way looking for a cheering squad in writing this either. And for what it’s worth, I feel sick to my stomach typing this post. I don’t know what outcome I am expecting. I feel raw, vulnerable, and it is very off-putting to someone who likes the control of my emotions that I normally do have. What I recognize I have no control over is someone else, or their reactions to me, my story, and my past. And that evokes fear. Fear of dating, and putting myself out there. And that look in their eyes, that maybe all this hard work will never be enough for love and a family.
If you want to buy me a beer, please check out my Patreon page or check out any of my amazing affiliate banners on my homepage.
Now that I have definitely proven to myself that there is absolutely zero gender bias when it comes to people saying the most boundary crossing, absurd things for an opening online dating message, I feel more confident writing this post. Instead of this post just being a rant about how men are ruining online dating because they believe any reaction is a good reaction, I can now open this up to… we all suck at opening conversations online. In the past two weeks, I have had both couples and presumably single women open their conversations to me with great detail about how they want to get inside my p*&sy. As flattered as you think I should be to read that you want to spread my legs, and go down on me for hours. And by extension, that I have chosen such great photos, written a prize winning profile, and apparently am just online at the right time and right place for you to invite me over to your place…it’s going to be a hard no from me.
I thought for a long time that it was only men who sent rude and crude messages, as a matter of shock value (or that’s what I tell myself when I am shaking my head while blocking them). I know, that it’s a numbers game, and quite frankly I understand putting message after message out into the abyss to crickets. And then feeling like any reaction is better than no reaction as no one wants to be ignored, especially when you’re lonely. But guess what I have recently learned? It is all of us, men, women, absolutely everyone who signs up to online dating has that moment of, well, I am tired of being ignored, so let’s just go all in! And yes, I include myself in this, because I had to do a lot of trial and error to even get my response rate up to the 50% mark it is currently at (average of men, women, and couples). Yes, I am numbers person, and keep track of that sort of thing for “science”. As part of my dating coaching business, I like actually knowing what has a chance of working, and being able to validate that versus just sending my clients out there as my guinea pigs.
At this point, before you think I am a prude or get the
wrong impression of me, thinking, perhaps there are woman out there who would
get wet at the crude opening message and I have no business chiming into this
conversation, let me tell you this. I
grew up in a machine shop, surrounded by all levels of blue collar, white
collar, you name it. Being in sales, I am
fluent in the art of match the voice of your customer. And well, if you have met me in person, or
heard me speak, I have a tendency to use colourful language to help boost a
story. Or when I am out at a pub, talking with my friends, I love shooting the
shit, making dick jokes, and cracking euphemisms with the best of them. And that is the key difference I want to make
here. When there is context, body
language, and just a basic rapport with a real human being, you can be yourself
(whatever that may be). However, and I
cannot stress this enough, when you are using the written word to make an
introduction, you are going to find yourself dead in the water if you open with
something rude or crude.
Let me put this in a new paragraph for added emphasis. Even if you are just looking to get laid,
believe in total blunt honesty, etc, opening your message with anything sexual
is a bad idea. Telling a person, you are only in town for one night and have a
fancy hotel, is a dumb opener. Sending
your dick or genitalia as a way of getting someone’s attention is… a bad IDEA!
Normally at this point, I try and be reflective. To understand human nature, and why all
genders think this is an appropriate way to introduce themselves. Why there is a large number of people who
believe that the only way to get something is to just come out and ask. But the
thing is, I’m tired of repeating myself here.
If you honestly think that pissing off 9999 people to get your 1 yes is
worth it, I have zero time for you. There
is a right way to discuss a hookup, and way that alienates everyone else. Learn the difference, figure it out, and STOP
opening is sex! Simple rule of thumb, open
with something you would be willing to say in person completely sober. This is not difficult!
Are you looking for some non-monogamous conversation starters, I have created a whole series on Medium! Or you could sign up to my Patreon to see the full breadth of my work, and behind the scenes photos!
After nearly a decade of living, researching, and blogging about non-monogamy, I decided it was high time to share a little bit of what I have learnt with the masses. And thus, I am creating a series on Medium.com whereby I am writing a how to “non-monogamy” guide. It is an exciting endeavour and so far, the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. And, if you’re thinking that I am going to rant about a negative review, have I got a surprise for you! No, this post is about something that surfaced when I queried a local Facebook group for input on future articles. (Which if you would like to add some suggestions I would love to read them!) And after I go off on my side of things, I am going to show a completely different perspective of the same events, and then I am going ask you to decide where you sit on the issue. No, it’s not a test, and you don’t have to publicly share your answer. Instead, I want you think about how your intentions are coming across on social media, especially in light of the #metoo movement, because for better or worse, it has changed the tone of how we relate to each other, and more importantly our ability to reason.
So without further ado, I present harmful comment, or compliment: You Decide!
Yesterday, I was asking a group of lifestyle people on
Facebook for their suggestions on future articles in my non-monogamous how to
series. A female member of the group
requested that I write a piece for a male audience, and when I asked further what
she meant, it turns out that she has troubles opening or even saying hi to a
person in the lifestyle. In short, she explained
that she was looking for more of a how to guide with starting conversations
with other people in non-monogamy, and agreed this would be beneficial for both
sexes. I graciously thanked her, as this
was exactly the sort of thing that should be included in a series like this. Now, here is the point of contention, a male
commented with the following using our thread:
I think all you would need to do
is say “hi”. Pretty sure it would get your point across if he’s from a LS group.
While I kept my reply fairly mundane, in my head I was reeling, and I rushed to type out all of my thoughts. Firstly, a female asked me for help. It was specific to my article, and yes, although it was a public forum and everyone is welcome to add their input, we were in the middle of a question and answer thread. In short, a guy butted into a place that added zero value.
Second, she specifically said she was having troubles just
saying hi. So random guy ignores that,
and just suggests that she say hi anyways?
What point does saying “hi” ubiquitously get across, even on a lifestyle
site? Hi, is not consent, negotiation,
or really anything other than a pleasantry.
And listen, if a “hi” on a LS club is like some secret handshake, then
honestly, there needs to be a very bright neon warning sign for all of us who
were unaware of this fact.
Third, this woman was a very good looking brunette, and my Spidey
senses went off in a flash of an objectifying nature. She asked for help, and the
guy turned around saying, no, you don’t need to do anything but show up and all
This in general, is why, I reasoned that women have difficulty asking for help publicly where men are, and why so many of us have private groups for sharing our thoughts and expressing ourselves. I hate writing pieces with such a strong gender bias, but in the social media realm world this exists all the time and the word mansplaining had to be coined.
But now, let’s flip perspective. Let’s remove my biases, and just try and put ourselves into the male writers, or readers shoes.
Firstly, the guy was just trying to give a compliment. He saw a woman asking for help, thought to himself, nah, she doesn’t need that, look at her! She is already amazing, and he wants to tell her so. Completely benign, harmless, and ripe with good intent.
Second, he honestly thought offering her words of encouragement would make her feel better, and boost her ego. Ergo, he was being helpful, and thoughtful. At the end of the day, he is a really great guy, and wanted to tell her that in a way that has worked for decades, the negging method.
Third, he is being completely honest in that he imagined receiving a message from her, and was expressing that truthfully, no further work was needed beyond the initial interaction. He would take it from there. A woman just saying hi, is hot, confident, and should be encouraged. That’s just what he was trying to do. No ill intent meant, and he would be happy to take the lead, after her initial interest.
In summary, he is doing what he has always done on social media. He has typed a comment based on his gut reaction and impulse. Perhaps he cares little for how it is interpreted because he is just being himself. That freedom to do, say, or type whatever you want is what makes online interaction so fun and easy. He doesn’t see her body language, reaction, or any idicators to show whether it worked or didn’t and this he is going to continue acting in the same manor until he is told otherwise. And if she does respond, but not in the way he wants, no sweat, she doesn’t get him and will move right onto the next person.
I hope you have made it to the end of this post. Because what I am about to say gets to the real heart of this two perspective issue. Times have changed. Our online social interaction is, impacted by the #metoo movement. We have all felt it, in one way or another. We have seen even the most innocuous comment get blown way out of proportion, as some of you may think I have done. We have also seen the flip side, of people using humour, or negging, or just saying absolutely anything to get noticed in an interweb where it often feels like you have no voice and have to shout incredibly loudly to be heard or stand out. Any attention is good attention right? Type as fast as you can, and do not spend even a moment to think about how your words will come across because we only have a 3 second attention span, and you need to be noticed above all, good, bad, ugly, it doesn’t matter. Trolls seem to have more followers and interaction than anyone right?
Wherever you initially were sitting on this little choose your own perspective piece, the main thing I hope you takeaway is, right now, everything you put online is being interpreted from different biases. We are not in a place where we are just getting along, and existing in bliss amongst a multitude of diversity and opinions. Instead we are clashing, clamoring, and crying out foul whenever our biases are superseded by that which makes humans so unique, our ability to reason. We keep asking How Should We Behave, but we are not actually doing anything to listen to the answers.
So, pause, and think about how your words are going to be viewed and interpreted online. Decide what your intent is when you type those words on a page, and if they are not received the way you intended, tweak them next time. Change your tone. Find a new way to stand out in this new world of social interaction. Don’t waste the ability to reason and think. There is more to life than just being right.
If you like this post and want to join in on the conversation, why not follow me on Twitter? Or check out all the behind the scenes content, including my erotic fantasy shorts on my Patreon?
Are you ready for one of my pet peeves? Ok, mostly I am writing this post so I can better understand why this term sends me into a rage, and hopefully come out more understanding on the other side, though I am not holding my breath. The term that really has my panties in a bunch is when I get offers to play. Further, just using the word playing with me, or pleasing me, or really any of the variations such as playtime, looking for a playmate, and new partners to play, just squicks me out! I am a grown woman who wants to be more than your pleasure toy, or any of the variations these words equate to. Especially when it comes to strangers. There is no way, a person can open on an online dating site, with, “hey, I saw you were non-monogamous and I have a friend who is willing to play with us” will EVER work with me.
Deep audible sigh of frustration has just occurred as I typed that out direct from a recent message. Why does a phrase that is so common in the lifestyle, swinging community, etc. bug me so much? The first thing is, I equate sex with intimacy. Unless we have a strong bond, or intense physical chemistry (in person only), I just will not enjoy sex as just an act. I have great difficulty with the concept of sex as exercise or just thrusting through the motions. Sex is so much more to me than just the orgasm. It is the person, sights, smells, sounds, feelings, etc. that make it something that I adore so much. So, to just relegate it to playtime? Ick.
The other thing that bothers me about just playing with people is the whole juvenile aspect of the word play. I love running around like a kid outside, playing ridiculous games with my friends, and laughing till I cry while playing fetch with my dog as he brings the toys back in every manor of silliness. This sensation of feeling like a kid again, or being responsibility free, even for a moment is something I strive to achieve as much as possible. But the line is very clearly visible for me when the clothes come off and there is a possibility of the sensual or intimate to happen. I just cannot ever envision me saying “Ok hunny, it’s playtime” with the aim of having sex. Or dare I say, asking a stranger to “play with me”. Bleh!
I am trying, in this moment, to envision a time where sex was playful, funny, and just a complete messy situation that had everyone howling. And the truth is, I can remember countless times when this has happened. I even recall a few moments during one of my hottest MFM’s. But the big difference is that these situations happened with people I was very comfortable being intimate with. This wasn’t just a spontaneous “playtime” that had every stranger giggling. No, this was intense hilarity with people I trusted implicitly with my body, and my mind.
Ok, I am beginning to realize my actual dislike of the word and why that is. I hate when strangers want to play with me. I despise when a person online wants to be my plaything or vice versa. And I especially loath when a stranger, offers up, yet another stranger as a way of stringing me along and trying desperately to give me what they think I want, AKA a blatant attempt just to get into my pants. Playing with me, equates to me feeling objectified specifically when it comes to someone I have never met, and now, will never go out of my way to meet.
So please, do not tell me that you want to play with me, in an effort to get me interested in you. I repeat, I am a grown woman, who does not enjoy the idea of playtime with strangers. While using any sort of sexual context in an opening message will get a swift delete from me, using play will make me gag, and make irrational decisions like reporting and blocking. Don’t put me through that. Be thoughtful, creative, and treat me like a real human!
Well, thank you for sharing in the eye-opening dissection of why this term really turns me off. Do you have a term that elicits a similar reaction? Let me know on Twitter or in the comments section. Or as always, you can chat with me on Patreon, and also see my behind the scenes photo gallery from this and many other posts!