Category: Online Dating

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell: Redux

    K Ghislaine
The clarity I find to any situation I have, comes through clearest in writing, like here.  Sometimes I can come to a solution on my own, but often just making a linear description of the real issue, brings me to the most suitable research or outside voice to ask for advice.  This week I caught up on the Savage Love Podcasts from the holidays and low and behold some words of wisdom from two real pros.  Within the thoughtful debate between Ira Glass and Dan Savage I found solace in both not being alone, and the conclusions that both men reached.
The real big sticking point that I was having issue about was the dating site issue.  I have always responded with the gut reaction of unpleasant things when I see his dating site usage.  These very smart men pointed out a poignant truth that I had overlooked.  The reason why the pick up scenarios for men and women tend to be unequal in the amount of time used in seeking a sexual partner boils down to the time required in effort.  Simply put, it is easier for a woman to get laid than it is for a man generally speaking.  So what this means in an open relationship is that I have to have a little more empathy for the time spent finding a suitable person.  After all, safety is a concern, and as easy as it would be to just pick up a random chick after a short period of time, that leaves the door wide open for the crazy people.  This is after all about happiness, and not just about the basic act.
Perhaps this comes across as crude or incomprehensible.  The thing the sticks with me is that I do not like being told what to do or say.  I resent when I am told who I can and cannot spend my time with, so how could I do the same to my partner with whom I love and care for?  There are days this will be a more of a strain than usual hence my previous post, but learning to love and understand each other is an intimacy I have not felt with any other human being before.

In the same thread though of don’t ask, don’t tell I think many would be surprised at one little tidbit I will share.  Have any of you been cheated on, or had the don’t ask don’t tell policy?  If so, did you know right away because of a negative reason?  I have heard so many stories where the sex or the relationship actually improved because of a sexual extramarital encounter.  Or even that there was no effect, no disruption and thus it was easier to forgive or turn a blind eye.  Many couples have given a permission slip but succeed years later because they had no idea about the indiscretion and maintained a healthy and wonderful sex life and relationship.

The don’t ask, don’t tell policy has its advantages.  I do want more than that in the future, and that is what I want to work towards.  In saying that though I recognize that I am not quite there yet and I cannot have everything at once.  Things are really great right now, and I am a huge proponent of happiness in the moment.  Don’t rock the boat if things are moving in a direction where all parties are happy.  

The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Approach

    K Ghislaine
I am at a personal crossroads here, to add to the complication there is another person and his views involved.  So my solution must be met by some sort of compromise as of course two of us are involved.  I do not enjoy secrets, and I know I have written about this elsewhere’s in greater detail.   Mixed with that this is my first long term open relationship and there are so many hurdles and experiences that will be waiting just around the corner.  Here is a bit of background on the situation which I hope will aid me in formulating and structuring the real issues here.  The boyfriend actively uses dating websites, which being in a open relationship makes perfect sense on the surface.  He loves the chase, the newness, and playing the game which is possible only with someone new.
I understand his desires, wants and needs thoroughly, and I want him to be happy.  My point of contention is in the execution in using the dating site.  On the one hand, I don’t want him to feel like he is sneaking around and talking to other women.  On the other hand, sometimes it is very hard not to react the way I feel programmed to react to what could be termed cheating in my past life.  I have a gut reaction and thus he interprets the gut reaction as I am not ready or able to view what he’s doing on the computer.  I read about so many open couples who go home and share with their primary partner their sexual experiences with the dates they go on.  They are open and supportive and for many even turned on by these exploits.  It intensifies the sex and strengthens the most important and meaningful primary relationship in their lives.  I know when I reach that point I will look back on this post and laugh at my impatience which has lead me to make impulsive decisions time and time again.
I liken it to meeting a guy and getting married within the first 3 months of meeting.  One just cannot have everything at once, and relationships are a gradual progression of the minds, bodies and souls.  That being said, currently I am in a don’t ask don’t tell situation where I am told if he sleeps with anyone else.  As well when it comes to the don’t ask don’t tell, I ask all the time.  I am intrinsically intrigued and curious about what he’s doing.  I want to be a part of that aspect of his life.  I know that I do not want him to only be able to share something that makes him so happy with his friends only and not with me.  But on the other hand, am I actually ready to hear about other women, keep my gut reactions at bay, and be the supportive open and loving woman that I strive to be? 
We have talked about this point, and I understand the evolution of relationships.  However I keep repeating in my head and out loud, that I want everything that I can have right now.  I want all the riches and satisfactions of where I am and where I want to be to be at my fingertips.  I rationally know that there is work involved, and emotional trials and errors.  Sadly my impulsive side may just have to be put aside as I work one day at a time striving to be the best person that I can. 

Dating: Our Worst Fears?

    K Ghislaine
I have posted a couple of times on here some dating advice, and some rules I found helpful in dealing with some specific challenges.  And yes I completely agree that dating can be a big and scary place.  This seemingly endless abyss, where by humans feel like they are in constant limbo looking to escape and find a soul mate.  Just knowing you are in limbo sucks, thus it is not a far stretch in understanding why so many of us complain about dating.  The idea of dating has a negative connotation in our society.  Rarely do we brag about dating an endless line of dead end people.  We are joyful when we say we met someone amazing.  So it is quite draining and emotionally difficult riding that up and down wave of initial butterflies followed by rejection and rock bottom.  We rush to delete that single status and jump directly in relationships because dating is hard.  But it may not have to be.
There are so many sayings that I could use right now such as, good things come to those who wait, or the best things happen when you are not looking for them.  And yes I do think that these ring true, but what are we doing in the meantime?  Sitting alone playing video games, or dressing up and walking around the mall hoping for serendipity to occur?  Maybe for a short time, but a better use of our time is to start dating.  This world of dating is so much more than just meeting your “one true love”; it’s about honing up on our social skills, small talk interactions, and working on our people filters.  These skills are so much more valuable than just picking up; you can meet some amazing people.  As well your interactions at the workplace and networking skills will improve as a result. 

Look at the big picture when it comes to dating, as it is not just about voiding the loneliness.  But rather about the skills that you will pick up so much quicker and are able to apply to various aspects of your life.  It is more than just learning positive social skills, it is also about learning how to deal and react with negative ones.  If a person is rude and condescending, use the advantage of this being a perfect stranger to watch how you react and then deal with them.  This will directly transfer into the workplace if you ever have a boss that treats you with little or no respect.  Or how about a person who is an emotional train-wreck?  Figure out how best you handle dealing with them, work on not playing into their games which will help immensely if you have a family member who suffers from poor me syndrome.  It sounds cynical, but use the situation that you find yourself in to the positive.  Benefit from all these strangers surrounding you and work on your BS filter or any other skill that you know you lack.  Dating then evolves from this terrifying world with only one true purpose into making you a more stable individual who can adapt and work effectively in a variety of situations.
So my dear friends who have found themselves single for the New Year, I hope I have offered some encouragement to dating.  And may this New Year find you the happiest and most fulfilled even during times of stress and adversity.  Life after all keeps moving forward and rolling and adapting is what we humans are best at.  And of course if you really want to take dating to the next level, I would recommend searching some dating expert books.  I am happy to e-mail you a few of my favorites if you are curious J

The 18 Year Old

    K Ghislaine
I have never dated an 18 year old, or anyone younger for that matter.  Even when I was a teenager myself dating was just not something that I had any interest in.  The guys my age were confusing and even when I entered university at 17 (three weeks before turning 18) the guys had little to offer me.  I went on a date here and there but nothing ever went beyond that first date or that horrible awkward first kiss goodnight.  I cannot say for sure if it was low self esteem or just that I had so many other things going on and the juvenile nature of the boys surrounding me just left me with the feeling of disinterest.  So why bring this up?
Last night I went out to a pub with about 15 guys between the ages of 18 and 23.  I have surrounded myself with people who are older than me pretty much my entire life.  Even when I was a small child I preferred hanging around the adults rather than playing with the kids my own age.  Thus I was a little out of my comfort zone.  As well it was the first time that many of these guys have met me so it was a double edged sword.  So I did what I usually do in new situations, I just sat back and watched all the dynamics around me.  And of course I made some mental notes so I could share what I learned.
The first thing is the handshakes.  There were the handshakes from the guys who knew I was in a relationship and gave me a firm handshake like meeting any new buddy would.  These were from guys who have enough going in there favour and just are out to have fun.  Then came the shy barely would touch my hand – shake.  Now this is where I really got interested.  The guy in particular who gave me this sort of handshake, I instantly misjudged.  And yes I would have misjudged him sorely as a teenage too.  My first reaction was that this guy was completely dismissing me and wouldn’t even give me the time of day for a proper handshake.  On closer analysis though, it turns out that he was the most eager to meet women and gladly wanted my bf and my help in this regard.  This 18 year old just has no game whatsoever. 

I have not spent much time around guys without the slightest clue in regards to women in quite a few years.  And this really got me thinking about something I wrote about previously http://k-ghislaine.blogspot.com/2011/10/dating-how-to.html.  We are not taught to date, just that we should.  I guess if I had dated as a teenage I may have gone through the growing pains at the same time as the guys around me, fumbling through what my peers said versus what I thought I knew.  Stumbling awkwardly through the maze of hormones and dealing with opposite sex symbols and signs.  So I am thusly lost when it comes to these young ones, and that is not say I’m old but rather that I missed an integral learning point in my dating career.  So how now do I help guide these young guys and give them advice that is appropriate for the sexual attention they desire?  I have no idea, but hopefully I will figure something out by the time I go out with them again and the pressure is on.  So stayed tuned for my next installment of what I have learned from the 18 year olds.

Dating: The How To… Online

    K Ghislaine

I received a comment from dating, how to, and I realized that this needed a full blog.  I really love feedback and your comments.  It keeps my writing current and hopefully you the reader coming back to this site or maybe even bookmarking it as a favorite?  So onwards for the topic of internet dating and meeting people from the cyber land in person for the first time.  I have dated, met friends, and my current boyfriend all via the online world of internet dating.  I fully endorse this system of getting out there as an amazing tool if used correctly and I will elaborate on that shortly.  For this blog I have also sourced out some questions to a man who almost made a full time job of the online dating scene to ensure that the information provided will work for both sexes.

So first and foremost, breath, and relax.  I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but when I found myself single and very alone, it was my mom who suggested the online world.  I took her advice, poured myself a glass of wine and began to create my online profile.  I’m not sure if it was to booze or the nerves of putting myself into the online world of dating but suffice to say I learned a lot about myself.  I followed the structure that the dating site provided, answered all questions and uploaded a couple of photos.  Within a week I deleted the profile!  The main reason being is that the stuff I wrote about myself, based on the responses from the guys online, just wasn’t who I really was.  Which brings me to a really critical point about the online world, it is so easy to write a profile depicting the person you think you are or want to be.  And this is exactly what I had inadvertently done.

In the back of my mind I knew I couldn’t be objective about who I was, and I needed to figure out a few things.  I began to write a bit and really figure out what makes me me.  Two and a half weeks later I re wrote a profile and gave it another shot.  When I was able to write objectively and keep in mind that these are men I potentially want to meet I was more honest and upfront.  I know I stretched the truth in my first profile, so I am sympathetic with those who want to write about themselves in the best light possible.  But I would really recommend writing about the good and truthful attributes that make you so special and sexy to a possible mate, and just keep the rest to yourself.  No use lying as it’s a dead end when you meet in person.

Next step is to have fun.  Possibly a harder one to do as the temptation to keep it really serious and find that soulmate can be very strong. But here’s the reality, you will not and I quote here, “hit a home run the first time you get out there”.  Online dating is a very specific skill set and it takes a bit of practice.  If you take it too seriously you will sink, you will get frustrated and you will not want to ever tell anyone that you met your partner online.  It’s fun going through photos and checking out profiles, so don’t kid yourself.  It’s a great invention this online dating pool, as you get a photo and a few written words or a predefined survey that the anonymous person has filled out.  Are they a smoker? do they have kids? a car? and the list goes on.  These questions are things that you don’t get to ask on a first date or in a bar, so there is an element that makes it easier to weed out people.  There are many tools built into this online system that if used correctly and in a fun way can give you some great experiences.

I’m going to give a few tips that helped me out and I hope will be valuable to someone out there too.  I firmly believe that an online dating site is like a great sorting hat.  That being said it’s remarkably easy to sway and get swayed buy the written word.  One of the systems I implemented for myself was not to write back and forth more than a few times before setting up a meeting in person.  It is very easy to idealize an only person that you seem to click with over the net.  The studies have shown that there is a very specific chemistry that either occurs or just doesn’t in a first time meeting.  It sucks when you have invested a month chatting with someone, you really feel that everything clicks, and then you meet, and bleh!  There is just nothing there.  And believe me this happened so freaking often to me that it prompted this meeting rule.

This goes hand in hand with a point that my “expert” mentioned which is that you can use this opportunity to meet new people.  Keep the online sweet and simple, use it as a filtering tool.  As well it was recommended to meet all sorts of people. especially those that you may not normally seek out.  I have met a few people online, that when we got together there was no chemistry, but still there was something awesome about them that made us continue a great friendship.  If you are having fun, you open the doors to new experiences and get to experience new people.  Plus if you are having fun with it, making mistakes is not so costly.  And guess what?  There are a tonne of mistakes to be made when meeting a person for the first time under these circumstances. 

Because of this some safeguards should be in place, especially for the female variety.  I always told a friend the time and location of each person I was meeting.  I even went so far as to have them on the phone while I waited for the guy to show up.  This ensured that if it was a total creep or I felt uncomfortable I had an very easy out.  Of course public places are a must.  This next tip is good to keep in mind both with the first meeting and the first date, and that is that for all Internets and purposes this is a total stranger.  Do not be afraid to walk away if they have outright lied about their appearance.  Who knows what else they could be lying about.  This warning is a bit dire, however safety is something to always consider and there is truth to online predators.

The last point as brought up by the comment that sparked this blog is about facebook and social media.  Learn from past mistakes and don’t give out your facebook information.  This is a total stranger and these sites are for friends or family.  You open yourself up to a whole heap of uncomfortable outcomes by letting this person have access to your life in this way.  A few examples of why I don’t encourage this sharing of information are as follows.  You are granting the person access to your information, even as simple as the way your friends interact with you online, this person is not a friend at this point.  Also you are giving the person permission to perceive you in a way that may not be the way you really are or as people who have known you for years do.  This goes hand in hand with not sending more than a few emails before meeting.  Its very easy to get sucked into reading into pictures or comments of a person you barely know, and projecting your own experiences into their online memories.  Very creepy, and of course this can lead directly into stalking of you or your friends. 

On that note, have fun firstly.  Be safe and enjoy the experience of meeting all these new people.  Of course if you meet a creep or have the worst date ever, write it down, or share it with your friends.  Look back on the adventure with as much fondness as you can, because you made it fun. Your life has new people in it because of this online world of dating.