Non-Monogamy is Not a Luxury

Non-monogamy is NOT a luxury

As much as I adore when people discover that there is a world outside of monogamy, I equally loath the stuff that comes out of their mouths (especially from those who have done zero research!). While I have ranted before on the judge first, ask questions later, this post is about people who claim that non-monogamy is merely a luxury. In fact, there was a person lurking on R/nonmonogamy who made a comment to this point and went on to say it should be easy to just discard it when faced with obstacles (like the current pandemic). And I feel that we are finally deep enough inside this year of hell, that I can talk about this subject without accidentally encouraging people to race out and have sex with a bunch of random people. My main message is still clear, non-monogamy must stay on hold.  But, when it comes to people trying to just brand these relationships as a luxury, I, have many thoughts… AKA this post. So join me as I try and process everything that makes me cringe about this line of thinking.

Non-monogamy takes an insane amount of work.  Yes, maybe you could draw a correlation that luxury items are expensive, therefore take a lot of money and effort to get, and non-monogamy has similar parallels. However, the truth is this is a correlation vs causation fallacy.  Non-monogamy, while on the surface may seem like something unnecessary, the fact of the matter is that for many (myself included) it is an essential extension of who we are as sexual and social beings. There is no luxury to be found. Rarely do you get to just sit back and marvel at your new toy.  Nope, you are constantly working, scheduling, talking, flirting, co-ordinating, and compromising. Sure, you have the incredible afterglow of a first meeting, sexy session, or incredible flirtation, but let me tell you, it is more like a full-time job, than an item we lust over.

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Now, perhaps you think that it is selfish to be non-monogamous, as many luxury items often are. Why you ask, can you not just settle down with one person.  One person is rational, level headed, but to seek more than that… sheesh? And I say to you… NO!  What if you were in a sexless marriage?  What if you loved your partner so much that you wanted to help them live out their fantasy?  What if you believed in free love?  What if you were just inherently polyamorous and recognized that loving more than one person was the most natural thing in the world to you? Would any of these questions be akin to a luxury item? Definitely not.  So, whereas luxury items are not necessary, non-monogamy often is.

Having to pause a part of who you are for the greater good is not easy. I am a social person, who thrives around people and with physical touch and intimacy. That being said, I would never put myself, or my partner in jeopardy to fullfill these urges. And while the original person who got me riled up went onto explain how amazing it was getting back to monogamy, calling out everyone who swings, is poly, or practices any level of non-monogamy as a trifle want really pissed me off. I have had to close off a part of who I am, and how I engage with other people, for the greater good. This isn’t like giving up an extravagant trip to that upscale steakhouse, that I crave all the time. Or cancelling that yacht vacation that you had been saving up for all year. No non-monogamy is much more than that for me. And having people just dismiss it hurts.

There is one more thing that I will add. Luxury items are in essence a way to splurge, brag, or are simply an extravagance that enhance a moment, goal, or express a want. For me embracing non-monogamy has made me a better person. I am more open to situations, and far more loving.  And if I am completely honest have become a much more passionate and expressive soul as a result of not having to hold anything back. While I cherish a few rings, and that bottle of champagne I hope to open this year, they are far removed from making me a better soul. And who out there can say the same about that fancy diamond?

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Exploring Fluidity Through Erotica Fantasy Writing

Gender Fluid

When I made the decision to start focusing on writing as more than just a hobby, I quickly realized that I needed to have creative outlet which is where my Patreon tier Breaking Away After Dark was born.  Here I have been able to flex a few of my more erotic tales, and fully realize a fantasy or two.  Whenever I am feeling a bit of writers block coming on, or have the desire to take a little “me time” break, I pull up my in progress fantasy document and add a few brainstorms.  It has been a very fun ride, that, well, if you have read any of my tweets as I try and write down a new one, comes with numerous “breaks”!   When I go back to edit these brainstorming sessions for actually submitting to the public, I have noticed an interesting thing, the person I am writing about, is usually without a fixed gender or orientation.

As I explore my own fluidity in relationships, and break away with the norms of he said/she said, my subliminal mind is writing in a fluid and undefined way.  When I go back and edit a piece, I will add in a gender and descriptors for clarity. Or as in my last piece, I was all over the place with who this fantasy person was that I was describing, I was actually able to pull out two very distinct sexual fantasies, one was FF and the other was FM.  I would write things like a silhouette of your curvaceous body, and then in the next paragraph describe the full formed shoulders and biceps.  It’s as if my brain flips who is giving me pleasure based on the sexual act or touch I am describing.

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I mean, obviously I need more threesomes or foursomes in my life, that much is clear.  But what is a little deeper under the surface, is how the definition of my “straightness” identity is clearly in flux.  While I recognize that I am becoming for fluid in life, less regimented in my thinking, and growing more open-minded in my day to day life, I was not expecting the same to be true of my creative writing and brainstorming.  I thought that my subconscious mind would instead revert back to the structured definitions I was raised with.  I truly thought that when brainstorming my mind would default to the MF dynamics that it has been defined by for 35 years.  When you shut your brain off and going into brainstorming mode, aren’t you supposed to go into autopilot?

Which of course leads me to question if my straight orientation was the façade this whole time.  Perhaps I established myself as this strictly straight being for some unbeknownst reason.  Perhaps this fantasy writing is allowing me to share my true default of “it just doesn’t matter”.  Or more to the core, that I am attracted to individuals and not genders.  Just as I am looking for fluidity in my relationships, I am pretty sure that is extending to a more fluid perception of who is on the other end of that intimacy. 

Obviously, I am a work in progress, questioning every step of the way.  And who knows where my next erotic piece will take me, or even where my next sexual adventure will.  In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself open minded, and happy with just knowing that at this point, anything is possible, and that optimism keeps me going day in, and day out. 

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Questioning My Sexuality

My Sexuality

Many years ago, when my partner and I were first starting to navigate what our open relationship could look like, I made a bold claim.  I said, in what he probably would describe as a moment of desperation, that I wanted us both to have a girlfriend.  Someone that the three of us could hang out with, but more than that, a female that I could confide in.  I wanted a sexual new best friend.  If you have read any of my posts in regards to women, I was not raised to believe that women could support each other. Instead, I had that whole females are in constant competition myth going on in my head.  So, in an attempt to get on board with my partner dating other woman, I hatched a plan that would involve me as well. 

It was a terrible plan, born out uncertainty, mistrust, and just basically a place where I knew if I asked a female on a date, things would go terribly.  I was not in a head space to date women.  I didn’t ask myself what I actually wanted, or what I would be willing to offer a female.  So, I went back to my norm, and decided that if a female fell into my lap it would be in an organic way, and zero effort would be required.  Flash forward 8 years, and other than foursomes, I have been on exactly 2 dates with women.  And both times, it was with the pretence of just doing it to making the dating of four people easier.  So that whole, it will happen organically, has not proven to be the case.

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I think part of the issue, is that, while I will fully admit that I am attracted to humans, and not specific genders.  The underlying fact is that women make me nervous.  And not for the reasons that you may think.  I am nervous about hurting a woman’s feelings, or not being able to be my assertive self.  What I mean by that, is I set ground rules, then expect them to be followed implicitly because I am a passive lover.  With women, I wouldn’t even know how to start.  I have this whole, romantic notion in my head, and nowhere in that scenario is a discussion about likes, dislikes, or who leads versus follows.

And this ambiguity, has ensured that I do not make any first steps when it comes to women.  I have on our couple profiles that I am sexually comfortable, but primarily straight.  It feels wrong to say that I am curious or bisexual, because I have never felt that connection or intimacy with a woman that has tipped the scales.  In fact, my female experiences have been drunk, or from incredibly aggressive women that have actually scared me off.  I can say for certainty that having a stranger force their tongue down my throat while I am getting off is NOT a kink of mine. 

So, why do I write this post?  Honestly, because I am questioning if my relationship fluid nature, also extends to gender fluidity.  I am curious what it would be like, yet, feel held in place by not wanting to lead anyone on, or worse, make a female feel that I was just using them to really find out if I have more of a bisexual tendency than I realize.  And I am nervous about opening pandoras box.  I don’t know if I would be able to handle the attention of being non-monogamous and a little bit bi-sexual.  That feels like far too much responsibility to handle.  And to all you incredible people on Twitter that are both, I am in awe daily of how you navigate that, schedule and maintain the complexity of the relationships, and just live so authentically!  So here I sit, on the sidelines, questioning my sexuality, and wondering what having an actual girlfriend would look like…

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Breaking Away: Embracing My Fluid Relationship

Piloting my own life

I am standing on the verge of something that feels completely out of my control, and yet, I know I am responsible for putting everything that is about to happen in motion.  I worked so hard to throw every single ball I could into the air and get things started for me in my personal and career world, I didn’t stop to consider what may happen if I caught more than one of those balls.  Or worse, if I caught none of them.  So to put it more plainly, I am Breaking Away from the comfort I knew, and forging my own way!

I have always believed that the universe starts aligning when you are on the right track.  That you run into more people that you have connections with, that serendipity starts to strike with increased frequency, and just generally, better things start to happen.  I feel that right now.  The balance is being restored because I am taking control of my future.  The problem inherent in this, is I might have taken a little too much control of that future.  So much so, that I am not entirely sure, which of my decisions has begun the domino effect of this shift.  Which is both exciting, and scary.

2018 was a very bleak year for me financially, and personally.  2019 did not start any better.  But here, I find myself seeing some return on the work I have put into not only myself, but my relationship, and recreating a social network of incredible human beings.  I feel a growing confidence to be my authentic self.  To put myself out there in a way, I never have before, by that I mean in the real world, and not just on paper.  The nagging fear that I will end up alone, and with nothing is still there.  But that voice is getting a little softer with each passing day. 

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It feels like I am getting my strength back.  That I am less consumed by the what ifs, and more cognizant of the reality that I will survive whatever I am to face.  Well, of course with the exception of being hit by a bus.  I built up a brand, and am starting a career out of nothing but my experiences.  That is real, and it grows more tangible by the day.  While there is so much uncertainty in my current relationship, I am for the first time in months feeling hopeful.  Not in certainty that we will be together forever as I felt before, but rather, that we will both be where we need to be this time next year.  If you love something, set it free.  While many who know me on a personal level may guess at who this refers to, you will be surprised to find out, it’s actually about me.  I am setting myself free to pursue what and who I want on my terms.  I may come home empty handed, but I won’t regret this time of self learning, discovery, and finding a way to pursue some pretty intense dreams of my own. 

I share this in my Breaking away from monogamy blog because I have an amazing support network through you my readers and all those that I love.  I have given a lot of thought to term that I feel is starting to fit my life, and that is having a fluid relationship.  While I don’t like labels per se, I am finding comfort in a term that can grow and evolve with me, my lifestyle, and my relationships.  As I am about to turn 36, I am eager to start exploring a more fluid dynamic in my life.  Breaking away from the regret of not jumping through the right hoops.  And instead cherishing what I have accomplished, while not lamenting what I have lost or was just unable to achieve.  I like many, hate admitting failure.  And these past few years, I have had to come to terms with a lot of my own failures and shortcomings.  But here is to new beginnings, a more realistic outlook for the future, and the certainty that I am putting out my best self for all the sexy new adventures life will be throwing my way!

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Pet Peeve Time: Play with Me

Pet Peeve

Are you ready for one of my pet peeves?  Ok, mostly I am writing this post so I can better understand why this term sends me into a rage, and hopefully come out more understanding on the other side, though I am not holding my breath.  The term that really has my panties in a bunch is when I get offers to play.  Further, just using the word playing with me, or pleasing me, or really any of the variations such as playtime, looking for a playmate, and new partners to play, just squicks me out!  I am a grown woman who wants to be more than your pleasure toy, or any of the variations these words equate to.  Especially when it comes to strangers.  There is no way, a person can open on an online dating site, with, “hey, I saw you were non-monogamous and I have a friend who is willing to play with us” will EVER work with me. 

Deep audible sigh of frustration has just occurred as I typed that out direct from a recent message.  Why does a phrase that is so common in the lifestyle, swinging community, etc. bug me so much?  The first thing is, I equate sex with intimacy.  Unless we have a strong bond, or intense physical chemistry (in person only), I just will not enjoy sex as just an act.  I have great difficulty with the concept of sex as exercise or just thrusting through the motions.  Sex is so much more to me than just the orgasm.  It is the person, sights, smells, sounds, feelings, etc. that make it something that I adore so much.  So, to just relegate it to playtime?  Ick.

The other thing that bothers me about just playing with people is the whole juvenile aspect of the word play.  I love running around like a kid outside, playing ridiculous games with my friends, and laughing till I cry while playing fetch with my dog as he brings the toys back in every manor of silliness.  This sensation of feeling like a kid again, or being responsibility free, even for a moment is something I strive to achieve as much as possible.  But the line is very clearly visible for me when the clothes come off and there is a possibility of the sensual or intimate to happen.  I just cannot ever envision me saying “Ok hunny, it’s playtime” with the aim of having sex. Or dare I say, asking a stranger to “play with me”. Bleh!

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I am trying, in this moment, to envision a time where sex was playful, funny, and just a complete messy situation that had everyone howling.  And the truth is, I can remember countless times when this has happened.  I even recall a few moments during one of my hottest MFM’s. But the big difference is that these situations happened with people I was very comfortable being intimate with.  This wasn’t just a spontaneous “playtime” that had every stranger giggling.  No, this was intense hilarity with people I trusted implicitly with my body, and my mind. 

Ok, I am beginning to realize my actual dislike of the word and why that is.  I hate when strangers want to play with me.  I despise when a person online wants to be my plaything or vice versa.  And I especially loath when a stranger, offers up, yet another stranger as a way of stringing me along and trying desperately to give me what they think I want, AKA a blatant attempt just to get into my pants.  Playing with me, equates to me feeling objectified specifically when it comes to someone I have never met, and now, will never go out of my way to meet.

So please, do not tell me that you want to play with me, in an effort to get me interested in you. I repeat, I am a grown woman, who does not enjoy the idea of playtime with strangers. While using any sort of sexual context in an opening message will get a swift delete from me, using play will make me gag, and make irrational decisions like reporting and blocking. Don’t put me through that. Be thoughtful, creative, and treat me like a real human!

Well, thank you for sharing in the eye-opening dissection of why this term really turns me off.  Do you have a term that elicits a similar reaction?  Let me know on Twitter or in the comments section.  Or as always, you can chat with me on Patreon, and also see my behind the scenes photo gallery from this and many other posts!