Questioning Everything, And Finding a New Relationship Equation

I have written a few blogs lately, that give a personal insight into who I am, and perhaps a bit of why I am living the lifestyle that I do.  I have also written a few blogs on my past relationships and lessons learned also giving rise to where I am in my life.  If you are still reading up until this point and I haven’t scared you away, then it’s time to start writing about some of the struggles and positives in my current relationship.  My rule has always been never ever bitch about your boyfriend to your friends or family.  I have said a few negative comments here and there, but when things were going anywhere but south, then my conversations were geared in the positive.  Or I just didn’t discuss anything at all.  Living by the mantra, “if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all”.  And I hope this still holds true today.  If things aren’t overall making me happy I discuss them with my boyfriend first, try to come to a resolution or a halfway point and move on-wards and upwards.

I am not going to use this forum to discuss any material not discussed with the parties involved first. I might come to different conclusions or change my mind, but overall this is a place to share my experiences and perhaps help someone out there.  This is not a place I want to use to vent my frustrations as a diary, but rather an honest look into my relationship in hopes of opening communications to other couples or single people who are introspectively looking into what they need to be happy.  For me being honest is easy if I am asked a specific question, and day by day it gets easier to look inside and answer the why I am who I am.  Like I wrote about in my previous blog, my happiness increases as I am able to look at the flaws that hold me back and work towards improving myself. Of course with the understanding that I am improving myself for me and not for anyone else.

In my previous relationship I was completely monogamous.  If I was told that I was being cheated on that would have been the end of everything.  I had only known monogamy as a working rule of a partnership and that was the expectation.  Humans are astounding in their abilities to adapt to situations, and I am no exception to this rule.  So although the cut and dry monogamy was in place from start to finish, there was a lot of sway on what the definition of cheating was.  First there were no strippers, and any porn had to be viewed behind closed doors.  I was jealous and extremely insecure.  I had landed a man but really I had no idea how, why, or if I could ever do it again.  Then I found out that friends of ours broke up over a lap dance, and I thought that was borderline insanity.  So my hard and fast rule evolved to men need to do what they need to do as long as there is no touching.  I then had a friend tell me that her boyfriend never watched porn at her request.  Which I promptly replied must be a lie as all men watch porn.  But as I said that I realized I had no idea what type of porn my man watched, or even his own frequency.

Thus I went home and started asking some tough for me questions.  And again the evolution of our relationship grew to include a more open perception of porn. And with each of these little steps my insecurities actually lessened.  Which honestly surprised me very much.  I dearly value my ability to asses all sides of an argument and come to a fair concise conclusion.  Give me facts and I will generate and solution that is fair and equitable for as many parties as possible.  What I lacked in my previous relationship was the knowledge that I have now.  Like I wrote about before, those childhood games that we play that teach us how to read people I soaked up like a sponge.  My happiness is in part due to being a social creature and getting along with very different walks of life and finding ways to accept them for who they are.  Of course now with better parameters in place to ensure that I am not taken advantage of or treated poorly for my acceptance which leads me to where I am at now.

I don’t feel as though I was ever given the information to properly make a decision about my sexuality.  There is only one man for every one woman, there is only monogamy as the key to your happiness.  Your job is to search and search until you find that one perfect match, and it is socially acceptable to admit you found the wrong spouse, divorce and go out there and try again.  This equation for happiness has never worked out for me because I have never believed in love at first sight, or that one true love.  To add to confusion I also don’t agree with divorce.  Its a baffelling conundrum that I live with each day.  The only way to make a relationship reach an equilibrium without having that basis for a one true love is to adapt, mold and bend your viewpoints to better align with the mate you are with.  Make the best out of what you have because it will be the same shit different pile anywhere you go.  And if you make the decision to have a family you are in it for the long haul and you need to make it work.  However this is the model that I want to live by and my beliefs for me alone.  I do not judge anyone who lives by different beliefs, we are all individuals and that makes humans an incredible species.  Honesty is the key to a relationship and when that is broken then all the rules are broken.  As I stated before, in my previous relationship inside monogamy, cheating was a boundary, the agreed upon terminable offence.  Any agreed upon term must be respected, and adhered to in a loving and healthy relationship

I have gone out and questioned relationships, why they did or didn’t work. I have been told that I seek tough men, and a hard lifestyle,  and to consider that my life could be much more pleasant with just a simple loving man at my side.  I have been told to not seek challenge in my relationships but to just seek a partner.  I came to the conclusion that if those were my two options for men types in this world then I was really in a terrible position.  I have thus taken my happiness into my own hands, and not left it up to my partner.  I now seek what make me happy on a day to day.  I am constantly asking the question why does or doesn’t it work for myself and others.  By doing this I am creating my own relationship equation that will afford me the happiness that I desire.

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How Can I Say I’m in Love?

I was presented with a bit of a challenge while I was discussing my blog with a friend recently.  He asked me if I was in love, and I said yes.  He gave me a really skeptical look at my response and said that if I was in love then my partner would be the only man I would want and vice versa.  Further he went on to say that we live in a society in which we pay taxes and follow the natural order.  There are rules and guidelines that we must abide by in order to live in this society.  I am paraphrasing a bit here as there was a large quantity of booze during this interlude.  Suffice to say though; I completely understand where he is coming from.  I have family who have stated quite clearly that I must be missing out by choosing a man who doesn’t put me on a pedal stool.  That I am somehow settling by being with someone who may stray from time to time.
This is a very hard viewpoint to argue against, so I will only make a few little points or examples that are not to be taken as persuasive.  But more or less illustrate that I am living my life with eyes wide open and there are many benefits to my level of thinking.  I have previously provided the dictionary definition of love, but for kicks here is the urban dictionary definition.  Which of course the first one make me giggle.  I read through about 5, and the answers submitted are so varied it can really makes me wonder why that is.  As a society we cannot cohesively agree on what love is.  Yet we can very quickly judge someone else and tell them that they are not in fact in a loving relationship because they are missing x,y, and/or z.  This sort of hypocrisy is fully accepted in our society, as a judgmental being that has the rights to tell us who and how to love.
That being said, I still talk about myself being in love.  My point of reference for this is that I am truly happy and generally in a great mood and my life is moving in a positive way.  Also when I say I love you to my partner it feels great and hearing it does the same, very simple and honest.  I try very hard to take preconceived notions out of my life and that includes others definitions of love.  I live to make myself happy and when someone is making themselves happy alongside me, there is an opportunity for an amazing journey.
The next little point is one that I have blogged specifically, a man’s nature, which in discussion with quite a few of the male variety they agree with.  Well I should clarify, they admit to agreement on the preface that they are not married.  If married then the rules change, to complete and utter monogamy… But prior then yes men have a tendency to stray.  When they cheat in marriage it’s a “one time” thing and will never ever happen again… until the next time.  Ok so I am being a little sarcastic in my tone, not out of anger, but more or less I get frustrated with the lack of honesty.  But this brings me to my conclusion which is living in a relationship where my partner knows who he is.  This does not mean that he loves me any less than any man out there, or any more.  Just that I won’t make him come crawling home begging for forgiveness and promising that it will never happen again.  I won’t emasculate him for being himself.  For me the true test of a relationship is honesty, and this includes being honest with yourself first and foremost.

Feedback :)

Thanks so much for all the kind words and support about my blog.  So far I have been writing about what interests me and the messages about relationships that I feel have not been given nearly enough voice, especially from a female perspective.

I am asking now for some help.  Please if you have criticism or questions, or even a point you would like me to elaborate on, please email or put in the comments section. You can even steer me in a direction of interest.  If not I will continue to write about topics of my choosing and keep going in the direction I have been.

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Or Lust in Hindsight

“Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave” – David Bowie, Labyrinth.  This quote is my all time favorite quote.  At different points in my adult life it has meant different things to me and the people I am in relationships with.  Personally I have been in love twice, and in lust twice.  I only was able to recognize the lust in hindsight and the love was never love at first sight.  It was a gradual occurrence where feelings naturally grew and developed.  The funny thing is that none of these four experiences have anything in common.  I would argue that I am fairly perceptive, but I cannot make a list or even explain why these feelings grew.

I was in love for at least a solid half of my 8 year relationship with my ex.  Which statistically they say is really good.   I think the average is 45% of the time you have to love the one you’re with.  I wonder how much these stats would increase if people took more accountability for making themselves happy?  At any rate, it took a long time but I can now recognize a lot of great times that were shared during my time with him.  But I failed by forgetting to make myself joyful first, and this contributed greatly towards the less than 50% ratio of joy.

Now I am in a relationship that is so much different.  The feeling of love is present, but there are so few similarities between why I am happy.  It really makes me want to reconsider these many cliches about what love really is and what it means.  Is the English language just too small and ill suited for expressing the word love in the type of society we live in?  I do not commonly hear people say, “oh man am I ever in lust with so and so”.  But shouldn’t it be more commonplace to hear? There is a natural sugar coating in our society towards these situations.  For example,  how often has someone you know said, “oh the ex wants to hang out, should I?” We translate in our minds that this is a booty call, then try and analyze the mental capacity of both parties, then give our reply.  But why can’t the conversation just be more open from the start with both parties expressing what they want?  And more to the point, by being able to say yes or no to the propositions.

I fear it is the same with love.  It is all to easy to mix up love with lust or vice versa, and I personally have had my little feelings trounced on when I mistook lust for love.  It is painful and all too common.  We fear the unknown, love the attention, and lust over the possibilities.  And then we add sex into the equation, where it is the physical act for men, and the emotional connection for women.  So what is the poor heart to make of all this?  Honesty people!  Honesty is the only solution.  If your feelings change, develop, lessen, whatever happens, just communicate.  We have the ability to talk and express ourselves even if the language is not always well suited to making this easy.

I enjoy being in love. It’s a great feeling and of course I want it to continue for a long time. Nothing is perfect but happiness is what life is all about.  Chase your dreams and enjoy the people that you take on your journey to reach your potential, whether for the here and now, lust, or the longer term love.

My Blogging Reason

My Non-monogamous Blog Begins

Typically I have been told that blogs should start at the beginning, however I think it’s more beneficial for me to start right at the point that kept me up last night thinking about writing this down.  I was either dumped last night or given a 2 week no contact by my boyfriend of almost a year. I showed emotion and perhaps jealousy over a chick that he has been fooling around with.  It is unattractive to display these qualities and I have been bogging him down with this anger and moodiness steadily, for over a month.

Now for a little back story, I do not believe in monogamy.  We are in an open relationship or were as it might be in a few weeks.  In my experience everyone cheats at some point in some way (emotionally, physically or both), and feelings get hurt, marriages end, etc.  So the research started, and the idea that animals and monkeys especially, are monogamous is nothing more than a myth.  My culture, being Canadian, lives repressed, with a real fear of judgment, constantly fighting our natural tendencies.  A great book to read on this is “Sex at Dawn” by Christopher Ryan.

So this is the point at which I start writing.  I will go more into the research I have done, both in real life relationships and in printed word. As well, I will give more back story on myself, explaining how I have ended up at the life conclusions that I have.  Either way, I hope this can be a resource for at least one person who is struggling with thoughts of cheating or has recently been cheated on.  We are human and sex is a lot of fun, and we all have a blogging reason.

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