Category: Partner

Hope, Hugs, and Other Thoughts

    K Ghislaine
The Start of a Pineapple

I awoke this morning with the lingering and if I’m honest tingling sensation of an amazing and sexy dream. As I lay there, I tried to remember every single juicy detail of the dream that had me feeling so alive, and slowly the full picture appeared. Wait! That couldn’t be right. There must be more to what made me feel so alive, invigorated, and almost goddess like. And yet, the memory felt correct. I dreamed that a guy told me I made him feel better, hugged me, and asked me if I felt better. No we were not laying in bed, naked, in a tangled web of sheets. We were bundled up, after walking our respective dogs, and simply had a moment of truth.

For whatever reason, I had started crying and he showed me kindness by holding me. Even now, writing these words I am crying (holy frick you could play a drinking game based on how many times I have cried writing blog posts this past year!). The impact of another human being caring about me, holding me, and then opening up themselves is… missing. Deep down, that is the intimacy I crave right now. A real connection. That bond. Isolation does crazy things to a person. In fact, it is forcing me to do a hard reset and I have fought it every step of the way!

Four or five years ago, I was out there chasing butterflies and that first touch. Looking for new, exciting, and mere moments that I hoped would turn into a variety of sexy and incredible adventures that I could share with my partner. And now, as that dream reminded me, I just want a meaningful hug. One that opens two people up to each other. A hug that bears the raw souls of the individuals. I know a moment like this cannot be forced, rushed, or even searched for. It will happen organically when I least expect it. But hot damn… for a dream about a hug to do what it did to me. It really puts everything about the here and now into perspective.

Love playing games on your lunchbreak? Why not try a few through AdGem and earn real points that you can convert into gift cards or actual cash? (affiliate link)

In the last 48 hours, hope has been stripped away from me. Not in some malicious or ill intended way, but more subtle. I have been trying to find joy in the small things like an innocent flirtation with people I see at work (not co-workers to be clear) and whoosh… Covid has again slammed that door. Next up was online dating but I find it completely barren of any human who will chat with me in one sitting. It seems that 4 – 5 days is the new norm for response time? So that fun little outlet has turned into something I dread. Getting my hopes dashed day after day when I match with someone only to have the conversation dwindle away into nothingness.

And finally, the last straw, I realized that my intense and passionate personality may be what has so many people from my past choosing friendship rather than intimacy with me. Foolishly I created hope, that I could get a few things going with people from my past and kindle some new possibilities. But, as it turns out it wasn’t just bad timing. It was in fact, that the interest just wasn’t/isn’t there. In the last decade, I have been able to pursue anything that I wanted. The fact that I held, and that they held off means something. And well, I just didn’t want to see all these things at the same time.

So, when I went to sleep last night, my brain did the one thing it could. It showed me the most basic form of human intimacy, and the reality of what I am missing. Hope. It put all the things that I couldn’t process together. A touch rarely leads to anything more than just a hug, but maybe just maybe one in the future will absolutely rock me, and spark that passion. For now, I just have to live each day for the moment it is, knowing that it will all start when we can touch again.

Please consider checking out my Patreon for sneak peaks of my new podcast, behind the scenes photos (NSFW), and a place where I post all my content!

Chemistry is Key… The Couples Quest Continues

    K Ghislaine

Attraction matters, and is often out of our control.

Sad flamingo when the chemistry isn't there.
Chemistry is Key, Poor Flamingo

I started writing this post a few days ago in full story mode.  I plotted out all the details of our first couples date in quite a while, sparing few details of the getting ready, meeting, and the unfortunate conclusion that we came to after an hour or so of conversation.  My intention was to share with you our real life account of what dating couples is actually like, but this morning my fierce editing pen took hold and scrapped the whole idea.  Whether you are monogamous or not, you are fully aware of what happens when you meet someone for drinks and there is just zero chemistry.  I felt that I brought nothing to the table by sharing just one more lackluster date.  So, I began again, with a new focus, chemistry.

So often you have a gut reaction to a person that is far beyond your control.  You are either attracted to them, or you’re not, the chemical reaction of attraction.  I have read quite a few books as of late that talk about that chemistry, Do Gentleman Really Prefer Blonds? and The Natural History of Love to name a few, and they all conclude the same thing, chemistry is out of our conscious control.  Ok, fine, let’s trust the experts on this one.  But if it’s out of our control, then that means trying to find couples that we are attracted to, and want to become physical with becomes a numbers game.  The overwhelming variables that have to line up between 4 people becomes astronomically complex.  So complex in fact, that the headspace I need to be in to even attempt it, is a feat in of itself.  So here I sit, puzzled, and a little overwhelmed by it all.  People and relationships are complex and unique and a big part of what really attracts me to this non-monogamous lifestyle.

NoMoreWetSpot.com
Easy to care for, and amazing for a quick cleanup! And clicking this helps support my blog! Win win!

But in order to get to the fun part, and build connections with people I have to take a step back and re-evaluate the initial process.  I have to take a page out of my partners book and start playing the initial numbers game.  I have to take a risk, and play the odds.  Just go out on a whole bunch of dates.  It’s time to lower the extremely high standards I have and filters that I have so meticulously put in place and just start having some fun meeting new people.  The downsides to this way of thinking of course is the money, scheduling, and time investment.  But if I really think about that, the experience of it all should outweigh the initial sting of just getting out there and being social.  Who cares if on paper the couple doesn’t seem to be a long term fit.  Maybe, just maybe they will surprize me and an amazing opportunity will arise.  Perhaps playing the numbers game, we will find ourselves exposed to new ways of thinking, new groups and a few really sexy adventures. 

If I am trying to shift my focus from the magnitude of the situation and break it down into a numbers games, I might end up in a place whereby I am not emotional about it, just practical.  And the only way to make this numbers game a viable option is to boil the whole thing down to one common denominator, is there any chemistry?  Going out into the wild, with a commonality, having some fun in an attempt to asses if there chemistry with strangers.  If there is a spark the possibilities are endless.  And if there isn’t, we finish our beers and move to the next opportunity.  So, there I have it, the breaking down of the couples quest and the over whelming magnitude of it all into one bite sized and achievable test, is their a spark?  Now to begin the messages… stay tuned.

If you’re wondering where all the behind scenes photos go, why not check out my members only photo gallery?

Alone Time

    K Ghislaine

Whenever my partner is away I find myself going through that same cycle over and over.  It starts with me making big huge plans for everything I am going to do with all my new found free time.  Then I spend a little too much time binge watching a TV show that I have been waiting to watch, that I know he hates.  Soon after, I put out my little loneliness feelers, to scratch my sexual itch, especially if he is going to be gone more than a few days.  Almost every time that plan falls flat and I resort to draining the charge on my toys again and again.

At this point, I realize that it may not be sex I am looking for, but just merely a little human contact.  I become a little more hug prone and I set up coffee dates with someone I haven’t seen in a while at least once a week.  You know, to just get out of the house and keep social.  And then I throw myself into whatever job I am doing.  In this case, I am working as many hours as I can, and when I get home I crack a beer and continue working my book.

And then, it hits me, and it is a surprise every single time.  My life is the same with him away, or right here beside me.  What I choose to do, and how I live, doesn’t change based on the distance.  Sure, I might only see a friend or make new friends once a month.  And perhaps I get a little distracted in the summer with camping, sunshine and adventures so the writing takes a bit of a pause.  But I am supremely focused on my craft.  Although it may not seem like it, I always am daydreaming, working out character arcs, and working through things that I may or may not share via blog, or social media.  And there is no amount of distance that can break my connection to my partner.  We have a symmetry about us, that just seems to work.  Two stubborn, souls, living in a beautiful cosine arc, that peaks and falls with the passing days, in a perpetual path towards our individual goals.

And as for the dating and sexual aspect, my goodness do I miss having a couple in our lives that we can get excited for, and excite us in return.  I know we will find a few “someones” at some point, and it will be the most amazing, invigorating time of our lives, but in the right now, it remains a fantasy, mixed with a few blissful moments from memories.  I almost look forward to the fall, whereby things seems to settle out a little, and routines become more predictable both in our lives and in the quest to edge into someone eles’s.  The variability of summer leaves too much up in the air to really get something started.  A few sparks here and there, but it’s the fall that proves if those sparks will smoulder out, or ignite into a warm glow.

My imagination grows rich with fantasy, and it is time to put pen to paper in a more poetic form.  Until next time my dear readers.

Thank you so much for reading, please like, share, or even subscribe.  And if you are only here for the pictures please subscribe to my Patreon page (I love showing off)!

Cheating is Still a Gender Biased Issue

    K Ghislaine
If you have an idea or a story to tell, there has never been a less expensive time to sign up for your own domain and WordPress install. Click this banner today for my exclusive rates to save you almost a third of what I originally paid! (affiliate link)

A few years ago I wrote a post aimed at women who cheat and how they give non-monogamy a bad name.  It’s something that over the years has come up time and time again, and the reason I wrote it pointing the finger at women specifically is that I feel there is a huge discrepancy between how we treat men who cheat, versus women.  And thus, I want to address this point again, but from a different angle now that I have grown a little older, wiser, and if I’m honest a little bolder with my recent life experiences.

Firstly, whenever I hear the sad news that a friend of mine has experienced cheating, the first thing I do is calmly remove myself from the situation and slowly gather information before forming any opinion.  I have learned that being Switzerland is a far more valuable place to sit than just picking sides and quickly reaching out to both parties in a quest to plant my flag on the winning side.  I am always available to listen, and provide any insights when asked, but as I have mentioned in previous posts, I do not go out of my way to seek out drama anymore.  I would rather be approached than provide my unsolicited opinions into someone else’s very complex relationship.

The next step I take, and the most important one to this post and my current gender blogging trend, is to pretend that the opposite gender is telling me the story and gauge how my reaction changes to the information (yes this is valuable in same sex couples too).   And why do I feel this is so important?  Because throughout my childhood and formative years, I bore witness to at least a dozen acts of indiscretions either through my mother, or hearing her talk with her friends about them.  And one clear thing always resulted, a witch hunt, and it was almost exclusively towards the male.  Whether the man did the cheating or not, he always seemed to deserve it somehow.  He either treated the woman badly and thus drove her away, or he was lying man-whore who should have never gotten married in the first place, or the ever common drunken mistake with the whole forgive and forget or divorce the so-and-so etc.

Growing up with this constant narrative, I began to ask myself why cheating was always exclusively blamed on the man.  And further to this, why the women always escaped unscathed even when they were the ones who very often cheated.  And this line of questioning started to expand further after having experiences of my own in the this very dicey place.  Every single time that I have come close to cheating it has been my own doing, and I would say 80 percent of the time, the man has been the one to put the brakes on.  Yes, this is full disclosure.  I was very unhappy in the latter part of my last long term relationship and I came increasingly close to cheating on numerous occasions.  And again, I repeat, I was the one who was in the drivers seat.  And what’s more, I was the one who consciously drank excessively in order to have something to blame if I got caught or needed an out.

Perhaps I am just more self aware than many people out there.  Or perhaps I just have reached a point in my life whereby I would rather be honest with myself and others than sugar coat a damn thing.  Whatever the case may be, I have not actually participated in this male witch hunt.  And that is definitely against the grain.  Yes, it takes two people to cheat.  And yes, relationships are incredibly complicated, and that only supports my theory that always blaming one side, especially the men is just wasted time, energy and makes everyone involved look even more like the assholes.  So I guess where I am at right now is that cheating is an issue for the couples themselves.  If you are going to form an opinion on someone else’ relationship, I don’t think it is too much to ask that you try and look at it from both sides first.  Cheating is a gender stereotyped issue and thus we need to ensure that we flip the narrative and judgement every once in a while, if for nothing else, than to give hope to the future generations that cheating will be discussed more fairly and judged on individual merit and not just gender sway.

I would love to hear your opinions on this, or lessons that you have learned when it comes to helping friends through indiscretions, so please leave a comment or reach out to me on Twitter.

Re-Branding Single Men Who Swing

    K Ghislaine

 

In my last post, I discussed the idea of re-branding the outdated term of swinging, or as @HunterGash suggested, adding a new term that better defines his relationship norm and would probably better identify a large group within the lifestyle.  While I personally don’t agree that adding new labels is beneficial in the long term, there was one group that I may actually feel could benefit from a different term, and that is the single lifestyle men.  I know, this may come as quite a shock to many of my readers, especially if you have read a few of my angry rant posts regarding singles in the lifestyle.  But I have given this a lot of thought, and ultimately, I don’t think single men should use the term swingers.

Single men have a lot of hurdles to overcome being a part of the lifestyle.  More in fact than any other group, and the reason is, there is too large of a supply for the actual demand.  As a result, single men are very visible and any bad behaviour is seen, remembered and preventative measures are quickly put in place.  It only takes one bad apple to get a bad reputation for the group, and as there are so many of them, it’s easy for things to get out of hand and therefor simpler to just ban them altogether.  And I have to include myself, because it is much easier to just say single men shouldn’t swing rather than trying the tedious task of weeding out the bad apples or trying to educate them, especially in the heat of the moment.

But, after interacting with a bunch of really great single guys who are positive additions to the swinging community I realized that there has got to be a happy medium between letting them over saturate the community and banning them altogether.  How then do single males become a positive asset within the term swingers?  The best answer I could come up with, is they don’t.  Hear me out…

I think the easiest thing for men to do at this point, is drop the word swinger altogether, and just start saying they are non-monogamous males or something along those lines.  The word swinger is not working, it never really has, and men already have a bunch of terms to pick and choose from that work better anyways, without all the additional stigma of being a swinger added on.  Let’s take a look at a few of the terms available, non-monogamous, single men (a little joke), bulls, bachelors, FWB etc.

To me, single men are not swingers by definition.  Swinging is about partnership, relationships, team building, etc and these are things that single men are not.  Now this is not supposed to be inflammatory or be interpreted as me not wanting to include singles in the lifestyle.  When you’re flying solo, you’re not fully swinging and that’s OK!  Let’s look at single women in the lifestyle, they are given the term unicorn, and I don’t think many people would even think to call them swingers.  They are almost elevated above swingers, as an almost prized possession, whereas single men are below swingers (this is a stereotypical example for a reason and not my personal opinion).  The thing is, singles are not equal to swingers.  Swingers is plural and singles, well, you can do the math on that.

So in short, why as a single male would you set yourself up for double the stigma when you don’t have to?  Why would you even want to use the term swinger?  While many are trying to re-invent it, or rename it, you can just walk away from the label and just be non-monogamous, or bachelors, or even that you enjoy lifestyle parties.  In the words of my old boss, Keep it simple stupid (again, a joke).  Go for what works, and stop fighting what simply isn’t.

And if you want to test out my theory, try putting swinger on your dating profile and watch all your matches disappear.  Then, switch to non-monogamous and while this switch will not open doors, it will keep them from being slammed in your face.  And you are much more likely to get some real conversation going by people who are inquisitive or a little more open minded.  Why is this?  Stigma and taboo are real and very hard to overcome on paper.   So why would you set yourself up for a polarizing hard no right off the bat?  That’s just setting yourself up for failure or at the very least creating just one more difficult hurdle to overcome.  So break free of the double stigma of being single male swingers and avoid all the added negativity of the bad apples who went before you.  Play to your strengths, and don’t hold onto weaknesses.

 

Thank you to all who have checked out my Patreon page already!  I love being able to share some sexy behind the scenes pictures that don’t quite make it to the blog.  So again thank you, and cheers!