I will tell you straight up I am writing this post, so I don’t
have to type this same message over and over again. And if you feel the same way and are tired of
getting inundated with strangers in your private messages, feel free to save
the link, and share it with those inbox invaders! Simply, if we have never interacted, I will
not respond to your DM (private message, direct message, basically anything in
my inbox). If we are friends, please disregard
Why? Initially I took this stance because I was tired of getting Dick Pictures. But it has since evolved into so much more.
Business accounts use auto DM bots to help sell their
products. This is impersonal, and
whenever I receive these, I unfollow the account immediately. Take the time to personalize a message, after
we have interacted. If you have your
product clearly on your profile, and I am following you, guess what? I am already interested in what you are
selling, so please don’t push that potential sale away, by basically being a
used car salesman.
Social Media as a Dating App, bleh! I use social media as a way to learn new things, engage with other’s, and share what I have learned. I use dating apps for dating. For me, these two do not mix. I want my social media engagement to be a safe place, where I can say what I choose, without the risk of constantly being hit on. If I want to flirt with you, guess what? I will tell you! Consent matters. So please don’t send me a DM in hopes of getting to know me. Want to pay me a compliment? Do it publicly or jump onto my Patreon and buy me a beer! Want to say hi? Do it publicly by engaging in my tweets, and all those groovy accounts I follow in the incredible sex positive community.
Simple rule of thumb, if you don’t feel you can say something on my wall, I guarantee I don’t want to read it!
Time Management, is the newest one for me. Quite honestly, I love engaging with people
on social media. I enjoy a good
conversation, being challenged, and the back and forth fun of questions and
answers. Taking the time to like, respond,
or send a GIF to each and everyone who takes the time to interact on social
media matters to me. Adding responses to
every single DM on top of that? No thank
The One Exception to my no DM rule is when I ask to
DM, or when you publicly ask if we can DM.
It’s all about consent, and sometimes I will ask for various things that
I know people will be more honest via DM.
That being said, in this case, I am asking you to DM, or you are asking
me. It’s this whole consent thing, and I
don’t feel obligated to send the same cut and paste message of “thanks for the
message, but I don’t use DM”.
Do you have a reason you don’t use DM? I would love to hear it, publicly of course on Twitter or Facebook!
No matter how loud we shout, the dick pictures still get sent.
I don’t think there is a female blogger (or writer in general with social media) out there regardless of her subject matter, who has not written something about hating dick pictures. We, collectively, have tried raging, raving, shaming, blocking, reporting, and basically pleading to anyone who will give us an ear to please, end the appearance of dicks in our inboxes, e-mails, DM’s, PM’s etc. The bottom line is we are sick and tired of them. I wrote a post called Dear Random Penis in my first few years of blogging and it remained my highest views post for years. I personally had tried all of the about to make the pictures stop, but sadly there was just nothing I could do. And for a while I was left with this feeling that I must be bringing it upon myself because of the subject matter of my blog and the pictures I shared. And let me just say, that I am disgusted and horrified, that I have ever felt that way.
I was so angry in fact, and so sick and tired of the constant barrage of non-consent based nudity that I actually change my own tactics. I stopped posting naked or riske pictures of myself on my blog, choosing instead to move them over to a subscription based site here. And I cannot even tell you how much it pained me to do that. I love freedom of expression, but I was just sick and tired of constantly being angry, outraged, horrified, or just disgusted by the sight of a strangers penis.
And what’s worse, I started to hate seeing dicks of my own choosing, and even switched up my porn viewing a little bit. I was over saturated and resentful. Since shifting the photo’s on my blog, I have actually noticed a huge reduction of dick pictures. Which makes me worry that I may have been right. Were men really thinking that the whole you showed me yours, so I’m going to show you mine mentality was acceptable?
And what’s equally troubling, is that every time I see a person complain about a random nude picture in their DM’s, the comment sections ramp up with men acting horrified, and publicly shaming these poor individuals. In fact it is so rampant, that I have even seen a guy who sent me a dick pic (with whom I shamed mercilessly over private message) join the bandwagon, shouting shame and slander, even going so far as to say “men who do that are scum and should be reported, shame on him. That’s gross, and I am here if you ever need to talk”. Yes, that is in quotes for a reason and I had more than one of those to choose from.
I don’t know what it is going to take to men stop doing this abhorrent behaviour. I know what steps I have taken to minimize it, and help me go back to loving the naked male form again. But while I found a bandaid fix, this is obviously not a solution.
So guys, tell me, what will it take to make you stop? What can women do to prove that we don’t want to see your naked member unless we ask? Why do you think that a 1 in 9999999999 chance of it working is a statistical probability that you are willing to side with? When will it end? Because honestly, you are ruining freedom of expression, sex and the body positivity that the non-consenting recipient is trying to strive for.
If you liked this post and want to join in the conversation, feel free to follow me on twitter or subscribe to this blog!
This is my first ever favorite things blog! I always read about mainstream bloggers who write something like this, some who promote products even write one every month! So I figured after blogging for over 6 years I am long over due! So join me in my celebration of some of my favorites!
I love sex, my partner, and orgasms. Phew, OK, glad we got that out of the way first! Oh, and I love dick, with consent of course! And boobs are pretty OK too!
I adore the freedom of being able to blog and express myself in a sex positive and body positive way. While my writing is not always perfect, many readers see my passion, and will overlook a grammatical issue or two, and that leads to my next favorite thing!
My readers! You, guys, who read, ask questions, comment, and even the ones who poke fun of me are all fantastic! I love the engagement I receive from you. In my first few years of blogging I felt like I was a writing for an audience of just me. While beneficial for sorting out the first few years of openness, I have thoroughly enjoyed the last few years of blogging a whole lot more! My relationship with my blog has gone from one -sided work work work, to a fun mutual engagement. And we can learn from each other! So thank you!
Next on the list, is beer, patios, and sunshine! I don’t think any explanation is required here as all three are supremely awesome.
Moving on, I would like to say a very special shout-out to all the men, and women, but mostly men who appreciate the sexual being I am without crossing the lines. I know, sometimes you make mistakes and react with your small head instead of your big one, but this is what makes you my favorites. Owning up to the mistake, and by making modifications to not do it in the future. This whole blog of mine arose out of the mistakes I have made in non-monogamy. I am pro at them, but I also am sincere in my desire to learn, grow and choose better reactions in the future. And that trait is what I love about you guys! You probably started following for the pictures, but occasionally you bring a smile to my face by reading an article or two and commenting afterwards in a completely open minded and awesome way.
And finally, I want to give a bit shout out to my library and all the books in my past, present and future. Reading fires my soul, and being able to share my love of books with you guys and my clients is pretty amazing. It has been an amazing challenge to write my first book (a memoir of sorts), and although I am only a 3rd of the way to my ultimate goal, it is a labour of love. And I know there will be large sappy tears shed when I hold my first published book in my hands, which I hope won’t be too many years away! Haha.
After jotting the list of my favorites down, I can see why other bloggers write these so often! I feel rejuvenated and ready to tackle the spring and all the challenges that this next year is going to bring. And now I ask you have you written your spring favorites? I would love to hear them and keep this cycle of incredible positivity after a long winter going. So please comment, tweet or just write a few things down just for yourself that celebrate your own favorites!
Would you like to be an added ray of sunshine in my world and see some sexy pictures in return? Consider subscribing to my Patreon!
One of my more popular posts and definitely the one that shows up in searches most frequently is this. With penis and porn right in the title, it’s no wonder as men are fascinated by both. That post was written long before I ventured to a swing club, and had never been in a room with more than 2 penis’s at a time. Life has been kind to me since then, especially now that I frequent lifestyle clubs. If you haven’t read that post I touch on the idea that large dicks found in porn are something many men want to see and actually seek out specifically in their porn searches. But this is the swing club edition and things are a little different in this community. What do I mean by that? Let’s take a look at some swinger online forums, followed by a brief description of what I see in the real world, aka, in lifestyle clubs. Let’s chat about swingers and perceptions of penis size.
Firstly lets talk about what happens online. If a guy posts that he has a large penis, and tries to discuss how some of his partners have complained or been off put by the size, he will get shamed. He will get called out for bragging, or lying and basically be criticized for asking about a penis that is too big. He doesn’t even have time to address his concerns the outcry is so loud. Which is in stark contrast to what I have read about with men viewing porn with big dicks. It’s scientifically documented in the search histories and porn hub, but with swingers, this does not seem to follow the standard rule. Instead, men seem almost afraid to let a large dick into their midst. It also seems by the chastising that occurs, men don’t seem to believe large dicks are a real thing, more like mythical creatures or objects. And every single time I see a post about a large penis, someone cries out, “you’re not measuring it right… 99 percent of guys can’t measure it properly”. And to that, I will actually agree, because as a woman, getting a professional to measure your breasts for a properly fitting bra is something that rarely happens but should. Bras are extremely expensive and uncomfortable when not sized properly, yet we would rather guess and test. Women have an actual necessity and still don’t do it. Men, I don’t know of any professional penis measurer’s, other than the very accurate toilet paper roll test (I kid! And if you google, be pre-warned it’s a dangerous rabbit hole) or why you would need it. OK, moving on.
If a man on the other hand posts that he’s worried about being to small, every manor of male rushes to boost his confidence. With don’t worry about it, make sure you focus on oral, or bring toys, or we gotcha, women don’t actually care about large cocks. It’s astounding the comradery about a small dick, versus the shame of a large dick. In the online forum world it seems good to be small or average and very very bad to be large. Basically, the polar opposite to the porn we all seem to watch. So I’m left a little puzzled. Men of the swinger world, are you OK with watching a large cock on a laptop because you know it isn’t real? Does having one in the swinging community feel a little too close to home? Does it perhaps make you feel a little insecure? Or make it an uneven penis pool? I’m just throwing ideas out there, because swinging men resoundingly do not like talking about big dicks. I on the other hand love it!
Now ladies, I have the funniest feeling we may be part of the problem here. Have you ever told your partner that his size was just fine and you wouldn’t change a thing? Have you ever said that you would be afraid of a larger penis or something to that extent? And further to that, did you actually mean it? If you did, and you believe all these things, then perfect, good on you. But isn’t swinging about variety, and trying something you don’t normally get? I ask this, because when couples share an account on online discussions, the men talk quite a bit differently and much more open minded. They will say things like, I want my wife to be satisfied. I am A OK with a larger guy because she likes it, and her happiness means everything to me. And all these responses are perfectly fine, we should be able to express our opinions freely, I just get a little pissed off when every single large penis is shamed for asking questions. And further women who do care about penis size are actually stigmatized for being “size queens” and frowned upon in the online setting. Mostly by men who are obviously immature and insecure, oh wait did that sound judgy? My bad. Maybe I have a sweet spot for them because I get absolutely destroyed online if I complain that a cannot find clothes to fit me. Tiny frame, large breasts, my goodness don’t get me started on trying to buy a bikini! Those things are expensive and I have to buy 2 sets because they don’t sell tops and bottoms separately! And people don’t like hearing that because the jealousy and envy supersedes my issue. OK, tangent over.
Now let’s move into the real world. For you see, most outsiders believe that a swing club/sex club is basically live porn so obviously there should be massive cocks everywhere. Le sigh, this just isn’t the case though, sorry, the secrets is out, we are just normal, everyday people. So let’s delve into what real world penis’s look like and how actual men react to them. In a club setting… nobody cares! Yup, that’s right. The stigma is almost entirely an online phenomenon. If there are real life insecurities, they are dealt with behind closed doors, and almost exclusively come down to, are you ready for this? Getting it up! Personality, conversation, humour, supersede the penis size. I have never once heard a guy lean over to another guy and ask how big he is down there prior to playtime, unless there has been too much booze, as some people are just tactless assholes no matter where they are. So, in summary as is almost always the case, you cannot trust the internet. What we google search, what we talk about and what happens in the real world are vastly different things. So relax, and enjoy what you got. And if you think I’m being sexist, re-read this post swapping male anatomy for breasts, boobs, etc and you will see that we are all equal when it comes to judgement.
Thanks so much for reading. And if you liked this post, and want to see more, I am revamping my Patreon to give my readers and followers what they really want… that’s right, more boobs (all in support of my book writing endeavors).
Last night I could not shut off my brain. An exciting idea struck me that I would be doing my part for Online Dating by creating a PSA to talk about getting consent before having sexual conversation or sending nudity to a stranger. I worked it all out, and fell into a restless sleep, where I edited it throughout the night in my head. This morning I was fueled with motivation to film it, edit and publish it for the world. Yes I thought, this would be a positive contribution, this video would make a difference in someones life.
And then, shortly after publishing it and sharing, I sobered up. Reality struck me, and it struck me hard. People do not want to listen, or change their behavior. We are all stuck it this very weird place whereby we know sending an unsolicited dick pic is bad but we don’t do anything about it. Just today I saw a Tweet of a guy who received a dick pic over facebook and he wasn’t outraged or offended, just rather surprised by it. And I admit, that the first time I received a dick pic, I felt exactly the same. It wasn’t a violation the first time, instead it was a curiosity and I remember showing it to my girlfriend and laughing about it over some wine. But by the second and third time it happened, I got angry and wrote my piece called Dear Random Penis. And are you ready for this crazy fact? The guy who was the last straw with sending me dick pics, and inspired the writing of that post, to this day used Dear Random Penis in his searches to keep tabs on my blog. And sometimes late at night he even comments lewd and harassing messages. The point was not taken, in fact, it gave him a point of pride that I wrote a piece about him. Are you starting to see my issue here?
When we receive a nude picture or a sexually driven message on an online dating site, what do we do? Block? Ignore? Start a Twitter account aimed at outing all these uneducated souls? For my part, I felt great relief when I wrote my post about dick pics. And all it did was get agreement from people who already knew that, and created an abusive situation for me from the guy who inspired it. My choice to discuss, and educate fell on deaf ears.
And here I sit, after posting my video about consent and online dating, worried that I have just created the same situation for myself. That by speaking out and trying to educate people, I will instead be putting myself in harms way. Or even more depressing, that I will be completely ignored. That my words will fall yet again onto deaf ears. And this makes me very sad.
Consent is not difficult to obtain. Asking permission before you start sexting can even be fun, interesting or at the very least a great way to practice your communication skills. There are blogs dedicated to teaching people fun and new ways to obtain consent. But rather than educate ourselves, we prefer the push boundaries method and seek permission after the violation. This way of thinking needs to end. We don’t need apps, like Legal Fling (Use caution if you google this as it might send you into blind rage) to obtain permission or consent. We need to grow the fuck up and start talking to each other. To communicate and to stop looking for elaborate solutions to a very simple problem. You want to kiss someone for the first time? Ask! You want to sleep with someone? Ask! You want to flirt and send sexy messages? Ask!
I won’t stop trying to fight the good fight. But today, I am tired. I am worn out. And I am saddened to read each new article about some woman who is speaking out for the first time about her experience with harassment. I’m tired of feeling that #MeToo feeling. I’m tired of all the memories of abuse, and sexual harassment that are a part of my past. I’m ready for a world where consent is the expectation rather than a difficult burden. Please don’t let this plea go unheard…
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