The Checklist for Finding the Perfect Male to Procreate With

Please note that this piece is satirical in nature, created in direct response to a repulsive list making it’s way around the interweb with the intent of giving men a list of rules to find the perfect wife.

In the beginning women were worshiped and revered for being the true Goddesses of society and their families.  Men were in awe of our sacred and mystical abilities which included the ability to bear children.  We kept the secret behind our fertility and reproductive requirements within out gender for generations.  Men were oblivious to the fact that women had the power to choose a mate, while at the same time, choose a physical partner with which to create new life.  It was our prerogative and right to use men in the manor that suited our companionship needs, our pleasure, and kept us in power for quite some time.  And then men got jealous.  They started asking questions, and getting too wise to the fact that they were bigger and stronger so perhaps they should be the revered sex.  And so one day, one man made the correlation between bedding a woman and a baby appearing 9 months later and suddenly the mysticism behind our great power was gone.

So we relinquished our power, and moved into the background of the historical records.  We began to understand that power can always be taken away and can never be an absolute.  So, we evolved our thinking and evolved to start working towards equality instead.  To finding a way to be valuable to society, without overstepping the male leadership, which they were enjoying far too much.  To suit this ultimate goal and allow us time to formulate a real plan, we created busy work for the men.  Encouraged them to go to war, start industry and develop new technologies.  All were done with the sole purpose of giving us some breathing space so we could sort out the wants and need necessary to co -exist with equality among the sexes.  And ultimately unify our gender’s, work together and not against.

But in order to do this effectively we needed to come up with ways to ensure our offspring were of the best possible breading.  We needed to regain the power of our procreation first and foremost allowing us the ability to choose that most perfect mate.  As the sugar and spice of humanity we created a list to help us become more picky and choosy in selecting these husbands and partners.  As any woman knows, the toll that bearing children takes on our bodies alone is enough to warrant this very important checklist.

  • First, a man’s height is very important, but if that is lacking he better make up for it with strength.  A man must be able to sweep you off your feet, both literally and figuratively.  The first true test of his procreative prowess will be in carrying you across the threshold on your wedding night.  He shall not gasp, pant or struggle as he picks you up.  Anything less than majestic beauty as he lifts you up, walks forward and gingerly places you on the bed it unacceptable. 
  • Next the eyes.  When you look into a man’s eyes you must see right back into your soul, with a hint of mystery.  You want eyes that you can stare into for hours during the most loving and tender moments.  But stay clear of a man whose eye has no sparkle or shine.  These are the men with much to hide, and are too focused on themselves, for it will bring much hardship to your offspring.
  • Now look at his ears and the nose.  If they are already large early in life, remember that the ancient Chinese believed that big ears and noses were a sign of wisdom and luck.  He needs both to ensure the future of our species.  But remember, only one of the spouses requires the luck gene, so if you’re the one with the larger orifices, choose someone a little under proportioned.
  • And here we rapidly shift to his physical manhood, the penis.  His dick should never frighten you, be it with python like size, girth or with a hairy untamed mess.  His penis should respect that you are the boss, and not it.  And should react with erect confidence whenever you approach.  If this happens, feel free to reward it with kisses and licks, encouraging continuation of good behaviour and pleasing appearance.
  • When it comes to the act of sexual intercourse.  The perfect mate will never allow himself to orgasm before ensuring that you, his wife or partner are completely satisfied.  He will please you whenever you wish him to, and will always show up for sex clean, able and without socks.  If any of these are missing, you simply say no, and go and grab your favorite toy as there is no need for you to be punished for his bad behaviour.  And when he has proven his worthiness, you may of course choose to procreate as is your Goddess like right!  The ultimate praise for a job very well done!
  • And just one more thing to keep in mind, this man must be a perfect blend of tenderness and manliness.  For example if your man cannot take down a wild animal with his bare hands for dinner and then present it to with wine and candles, then, you must send him packing before making a baby.  How else can you ensure that you, and your offspring will survive the zombie apocalypse, I mean the coming of equality, if he cannot even take down a bear by brute force alone and then rub your tired feet at the end of the day?  This is the ultimate showing of bravery, and love.  A true man, fit to procreate with you.



So share this, with every woman, to remind her the we still have the power to choose.  We have the will to ensure equality.  And ultimately we have complete control of our bodies, procreation and the absolute voice to say NO.

My Swinging Advice to Single Males

In light of my recent posts on swinging I have been getting quite a few newbies, ok, just very curious singles males looking for a little insight into the lifestyle.  After thinking long and hard about all the keen men wanting to see what swinging really is like, and asking me for tips to get inside one, I decided to write this little post.  And you’re probably not going to like it.  If you are a single man, I don’t want to help you get into the swinging scene, period. I don’t want to be responsible for you or your newly discovered fantasy.  And I don’t want to create a place that gives you insight and confidence to come on your own, and satisfy your passing curiosity into the lifestyle that I have come to really enjoy.

Why, you might ask yourself?  Simply put, because a bunch of lurking single men will ruin everything I love about the lifestyle!  Sorry, not sorry!  If you are looking for easy access, I firmly say no.  Instead, I want men who have done their research because this is something they have been interested in for a while, let’s say more than a trifling fancy.  They have strong communication skills, can write their application on their own, and have a healthy respect for the word no.  They have worked on their social skills, have some charm, love to flirt, and maybe a little devious.  Oh, and they have a partner.

Swinging is about couples (I don’t care what gender), nudity, and of course sex.  Oh, and if you haven’t heard, it’s about strengthening a healthy relationship or adding some amazing spice.  It is not a lifestyle that flourishes with single men who are looking for a live porn show.  Or have heard rumors that it is one big orgy and they just have to see it in person!

Now, if you have been reading my blog for a while you might be calling me out for hypocrisy in direct reference to a post I wrote about single women.  And while I try to be more sympathetic and educate myself to the currently evolving gender norms I don’t believe that the average man wants to experience a swing club for the reasons that I encourage woman to do so.  Women are beautiful creatures, and typically are more emotionally mature than men are.  So, a couple will have less to worry about with a group of women watching them sex it up, than a group of men.  I have no gender bias as far as couples, but I fully admit I have a strong one when it comes to singles, and for me, it’s women only.

Swing clubs thrive on reputation, and great word of mouth.  They cannot just advertise on a big billboard and have large neon signs as normal bars can.  So, ensuring that a couple has an amazing time is important.  The party organizers want you to come back.   They want you to use the venue to set up future dates, and invite new swinger friends to come and play there.  So, if a club gets a vibe for being seedy, dirty or filled with a bunch of dicks it will falter, quickly.  It is risky business and probably would have a difficult time re-branding itself if it took a path not conducive to the average swinging clientele.  If a vanilla nightclub gets a reputation for being a meat market, then they start advertising their butts off to get the ladies back.  Meat markets are not inviting places to mingle, socialize and flirt.  A swingers, club would drown before they even had the chance to re-brand.

Again, I know how sexist this post is coming across.  I love men and I do love dicks, as evidence by the huge prideful grin in this posts photo!  And my first time at a swing club was on a night that allowed single men.  But I quickly realized that the line between creepy and sexy is just too fine.  I want to be comfortable and sexually free.  I do not want to worry about giving the wrong impression or having to refrain from dancing with my panties off on top of a bar (have you read that post yet?).  So, I now only attend nights that are for couples and single ladies.  There is nothing more uncomfortable than some slimy dude walking around with dick in hand, giving it a tug with each new view he sees.  And the men who lose control and shamelessly wank it, have ruined it for many in the community.  Women do not regard this behavior as a friendly hello or an approval of their sexy performance.  Instead it is viewed as intrusive, lacking decency and void of all permissions.  Many clubs have couples only areas for this very reason.  Men, you don’t always use your best judgement when the blood flows away from your top brain.  It’s not your fault per se, but it is a reality that hard lines and rules have had to be put in place to keep the clientele coming back.

So, I’m sorry, but until you can be trusted it is a no go for single men new to the lifestyle.  Put your time in.  Do your own research.  Find a female friend to go with.  And dip your toes in with an appreciation for this couples focused, and incredibly sexy scene.  And stop freaking asking me to vouch for you!

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Online Dating: Do and Do Not Top 5 List

Online dating has been and remains a large part of how I find new people to interact with.  I have been using various sites for over 8 years, and while I have changed what I am looking for (couples only at the moment) I have created for myself a list of Do’s and Don’t s.  Now I acknowledge I can be a little on the picky side, however I have 3 fundamental items that time and time again I will not waver on.

1. Do NOT send a dick picture when online dating…EVER!  This rule is hard and fast without any exceptions.  Do not have one in your profile, and do not use your dick as an ice breaker or conversation piece EVER!  No one wants to see your random junk.  And I like many out there have written a piece or too begging guys to stop this deviant and deplorable behavior, so if you still don’t understand please read this for further insight.  (Please note that I love the cock and I appreciate seeing it within the bounds of my relationship.  This advice is for online dating and is to be applied until you are in a relationship or have been explicitly asked for one, and even then, I would double check prior to sending a photo of your dick!)

2. I want to see your eyes in at least one photo.  If you have your eyes covered in every single photo I will never meet you, EVER.  This is a lesson that I have learned via trial and error.  I have given a few guys the benefit of the doubt over the years and have always come home disappointed.  Eyes are the most important image to have on your profile, and I have talked to numerous people of all genders and looking for statuses who say the same.  Eyes tell a lot about a person and I want to see them before I start chatting and long before I sit down to coffee or a beer.

3. Please for the love of my sanity do NOT have your children, or any child in your profile picture.  I don’t care if you are holding them or if they are so adorable that you feature them with you off in the background.  Whatever your intent, it is a bad idea.  Online dating is for adults.  Your children did not give consent to help you get laid, and I could go on and on about the creep factors associated with this particular picture choice.  No matter how important they are in your life, online dating is about you and meeting another person.  You would never bring a kid on a first date, so do not use them lure someone in.  Just, stop it!

Now here is where I need your help readers.  My title for this post says top 5, and I have only written 3.  I want to hear from you, your must haves, complete hates, whatever is most important to you in the world of online dating. You can tweet me, @K_Ghislaine, DM me, facebook msg, comment on the bottom of this post or even text me your suggestions (if you know me), that one thing that you will not sway on.  I will update this post accordingly and the intention is to improve peoples online dating success!

I have a few suggestions to help get the juices flowing, from not having a profile picture at all, or perhaps you are tired of seeing all those damn dead fish shots.  Either way, I would love to hear from you to help me finish this list!

***Thank you for the feedback! And without further ado, may I present number 4 and 5 for the completion of the do and do not online dating list***

4. Cropping out your ex or scribbling out her face is bad form.  Do not do this!  If your best picture is of you with your ex, pick up that handy little cell phone in your pocket and take a new one.  Better yet, take a shower, get dressed up and get a friend to take a brand spanking new photo of you.  But do not have a photo where we can see a ladies arm, or some crappy smiley face pasted over your old partners face.  You can do better!

5.  Group shots as your profile picture is one of the worst ideas to use.  Here’s what happens when I see this.  I guess who you are, then I scroll to the next photo, and see yet another group shot.  So I guess again and then I scroll only to finally see who you are.  And low and behold I am disappointed.  Either I guessed wrong, and I dislike losing.  Or I see who you are and I am not impressed because my time has been wasted.  Is our first meeting going to be with a group of your bros?  No?  Then put your own photo up first.  Do not waste my energy guessing who you are.  It won’t end well for you, or increase your status.  And really ladies, I must pick on you here too.  Your group shots are far worse than any I have seen on a man’s profile.  And did you get permission from every lady in the group to post that ridiculous shot of you having so much fun that one time 10 years ago at the club?  No?  Then just take it down!

And an honorable mention goes to snap chat or filters.  It should go without saying that we wanna see you.  Not some adorable faun with bubbles that looks oh so delicious.  It’s lame and makes you look incredibly immature and just tad dumb.  So, be real.  Be authentic.  And ask yourself how you would react to the photo’s you put up before you activate your profile.  Would you want to meet you?

*** Now offering One on One dating coaching in YYC, click here for details and rates***

Perceptions About Penis Size: Thanks Porn

So my last post may have come across a little critical of porn for making things look easier said than done.  But I also want to touch a bit on some good things it has done for society… and more specifically for me.  I have written a topic or two on porn, just porn and how it should not be a threat to any relationship if viewed in moderation and respectfully.  And as a follow up to that, porn is more than just hot, and a way for humans to get off, porn can also be useful in our sex negative society.  Of course I say that with full knowledge that there is something out there for everybody, and I do mean everybody, which is not always a good thing.  There is not a soul out there who in good conscience can say there is any positive to child pornography.  That one is an open and shut case and I do not think needs any further discussion.

But what about my claim that some porn is actually useful and goes a step forward to creating more whole, sexual human beings?  I, growing up, was always told that men have penis envy.  Men are shy about their junk, and get easily embarrassed when they get compared to other men.  I have been told that the worst thing a girl can ever do is to tell their partner about the other penis’ they have seen, or in anyway, shape or form compare dick sizes.  This has been drilled into my head over and over, by peers, media and various other forms of social normalization I have encountered.  To go a step further, I have also been taught that men must always believe that their penis is the biggest and the best, and that it hurts their manhood to discover that some other guy is more endowed than they are.  Perhaps I am the only girl who was ever taught this extremely short-sighted  and largely inaccurate stigma.

I mentioned before a book called “A Billion Wicked Thoughts” by  Ogi Ogas and Sai Goddam (which you can easily purchase on Amazon through moi) , and I feel now is a great time to touch on it again.  One of the chapters specifically discussed how men are more turned on in heterosexual porn when the men in scene have a big cock.  And not just a large cock, but an extremely large cock.  This is contrary to anything I had ever heard before.  My assumption would have been that viewing a penis smaller than their own would have been more satisfying from a male dominance angle, but truth is stranger than fiction.  Thanks in part to porn and viewing larger penis’ men seem to have come to terms with other dicks being larger than their own.  I do not think this concept could be possible without having porn readily available.  And the benefits for their partners are also there.  That fear of admitting you have slept with a man who was extremely well endowed is less apparent.  Talking about it, in some cases, can even be a huge turn on.  Men are actually becoming less frightened with regards to cocks and potential inadequacies.  Honestly this concept is just downright fascinating to me.

Ron Jeremy is an icon, but he not just an icon for woman.  He is a man’s man and every interview or comment I have read about him states that he is just a really nice guy.  Why is the average man not terrified that his partner is comparing his much smaller genitals to the obviously bigger porn stars?  This is what I was lead to believe for so many years, and it amazes me just how far from the truth this actually is.  Yes, there are men who are uncomfortable with their sizes and are insecure, just as there are woman who fantasize about playing with the massive cock, but these are actually exceptions and not the norm.  And that is a really good thing, a thing that needs to continue despite what the media, would like to have us believe.  Porn is not some evil entity that is ruining our sex lives, in fact it is enhancing it.  Giving us a real visual for what is out there.  Eliminating the need to wonder and therefore worry about what might be hiding in your next door neighbors pants.  Porn is helping to alleviate the fear of the unknown, allowing us to overcome those preconceived notions that do our society harm.  Penis size is just one small way that porn is helping our society become more sex positive, and also I really like writing a blog post where I can say dick and cock so many times.
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Getting Back to My Mission Statement

I wrote a few rant posts in a row this month so I decided to take a week off of posting (but not writing) to try and get my head back into the game and focus more on my blogs mission statement.  It actually became so necessary for me to get back to my roots, in that I had to google my own blog to read exactly the title I gave it; Question Everything: Breaking Away From Relationship Norms.  And that at the end of the day this is precisely what I want and love to write about.  Every so often I may stray and write a bit of a political piece, for example a woman’s body in politics, or I may just feel compelled to write a letter to the Random Penis.  But for the most part I aim to deal with relationships and the differences that exist for myself and those around me. 
I am aware that my relationships are a tad outside of the box, and I think differences in viewpoints are worth exploring.  The things you can learn about your own likes, and dislikes through sharing in the adventures of somebody else are constantly eye opening and at times remarkable.  For example, when I tell potential men that I am in an open relationship the range of reactions is quite vast.  The most common mis-conception I get though is the one in which people assume that this is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle for dating but once you are serious then monogamy is the only way to go.  The notion that results is one of not being jealous until you love someone especially in the male to female dynamic.  On the surface this may seem charming and sweet, but underneath it screams of insecurity and possessiveness.  If you are alright with openness without feelings then quite honestly you are doing open wrong.
The people that you date have just as many rights and feelings as those you are in a long term commitment with.  And if you are not able to love more than one person at a time there is something hugely missing in your life.  Not just for people who date more than one person at a time, but also for those who believe and live the life of monogamy quite happily.  My closest girlfriends (who are all monogamous as far as I know) take the time to tell me they love me, and I feel the same.  This love takes nothing away from their committed partners, but rather adds to the richness of our lives in a completely platonic way.  Although at this point I am not interested or prepared to love more than one man at a time, I do believe that any man I see outside of my relationship deserves respect and honesty.  The stigma attached to open relationships and their failure rate is due in a large part to those people who say they are in an open relationship to merely save face or avoid being called a cheater.
But this will all be explored in much greater detail in my next post.