Being Sexual and Laughing It Off

Being Sexual

Recently, I rejected a guy on POF by stating that we were only looking for couples right now.  If you have heard me say this before, it is my standard rejection, and I state looking for couples right on my profile.  As sometimes happens, he got very upset with being told no, and responded with the length of his penis, followed by a picture of it.  True to form, I reported him, blocked him, and then went on to Twitter to vent my frustration and ask the age old question: Why do men still do this

While I received the usual support, I also received a shocking response.  While I am usually pretty level headed about the garbage I get being sex positive online this one got under my skin and rattled me.  A guy responded with “I can honestly not understand how you can be so humourless, yet pretend to be so sexual. And yes, block away”.  Wait a tick, my sexuality is being called into question because I was angry at receiving a non consent based nude image, also known as sexual harassment?   Did you know that in Texas, and possibly soon to come into law in NYC that sending an unsolicited dick picture on an online dating site is actually now illegal

This isn’t me just being a prude here.  This is such a rampant problem, that people are beyond sick and tired of it, and we are taking legal action by demanding laws to protect us.  I don’t think it’s funny to laugh about an unsolicited dick in my inbox.  This is harassment.  It’s not funny.  Unless the thought process is that men want us to start laughing at their penis’ I just do not follow the logic.  How many more posts, podcasts, blocks, and laws do we need to pass to make it clear that this is not funny.

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I recall my mom being exposed to on a c-train about 20 years ago.  The crazy thing about the whole situation is how many people were around her, and did nothing.  They pretended not to see it.  When the cops arrived, there was only one man who came forward as a witness out of nearly 10 people who should have seen something.  My mom pleaded with the woman who was sitting beside her to come forward, but she refused.  Should we as a society just laugh that off?  Should we just laugh it off when someone is rejected by a complete stranger and they lose their shit and send what may or may not be their fully erect penis?  Is complacency the target here? Or worse, making it a joke? 

And now let’s deal with the fact that this random guy on twitter, took the time to comment on my own sexual nature because I didn’t laugh.  I felt publicly shamed.  My sexuality was openly called into question.  How is that OK?  Why did this guy (twitter) who claims he has never sent a dick pic himself still rationalizing that I am somehow in the wrong for standing up for what I believe in.  I think sending a dick picture should be a criminal act just as exposing yourself in public to a stranger.  I do not think that this stance should be a reflection of my sexuality, or my sex positive stance.  That is an asinine correlation and positively disgusts me.  That`s as dumb as saying I asked for it, because I rejected the guy on the online dating site.  NO!  My sex positive nature will not be on trial here.  No, my sensual boasts hold firm.  I have a right to consent to what level of nudity I see in an online world.  That does NOT diminish my sensual nature.  In fact, I think it increases it, because I know what I want, need, and what turns me on!

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Perceptions About Penis Size: Swingers Edition


One of my more popular posts and definitely the one that shows up in searches most frequently is  this.  With penis and porn right in the title, it’s no wonder as men are fascinated by both.  That post was written long before I ventured to a swing club, and had never been in a room with more than 2 penis’s at a time.  Life has been kind to me since then, especially now that I frequent lifestyle clubs.  If you haven’t read that post I touch on the idea that large dicks found in porn are something many men want to see and actually seek out specifically in their porn searches.  But this is the swing club edition and things are a little different in this community.  What do I mean by that?  Let’s take a look at some swinger online forums, followed by a brief description of what I see in the real world, aka, in lifestyle clubs.  Let’s chat about swingers and perceptions of penis size.

Firstly lets talk about what happens online.  If a guy posts that he has a large penis, and tries to discuss how some of his partners have complained or been off put by the size, he will get shamed.  He will get called out for bragging, or lying and basically be criticized for asking about a penis that is too big.  He doesn’t even have time to address his concerns the outcry is so loud.  Which is in stark contrast to what I have read about with men viewing porn with big dicks.  It’s scientifically documented in the search histories and porn hub, but with swingers, this does not seem to follow the standard rule.  Instead, men seem almost afraid to let a large dick into their midst.  It also seems by the chastising that occurs, men don’t seem to believe large dicks are a real thing, more like mythical creatures or objects.  And every single time I see a post about a large penis, someone cries out, “you’re not measuring it right… 99 percent of guys can’t measure it properly”.  And to that, I will actually agree, because as a woman, getting a professional to measure your breasts for a properly fitting bra is something that rarely happens but should.  Bras are extremely expensive and uncomfortable when not sized properly, yet we would rather guess and test.  Women have an actual necessity and still don’t do it.  Men, I don’t know of any professional penis measurer’s, other than the very accurate toilet paper roll test (I kid! And if you google, be pre-warned it’s a dangerous rabbit hole) or why you would need it.  OK, moving on.

If a man on the other hand posts that he’s worried about being to small, every manor of male rushes to boost his confidence.  With don’t worry about it, make sure you focus on oral, or bring toys, or we gotcha, women don’t actually care about large cocks.  It’s astounding the comradery about a small dick, versus the shame of a large dick.  In the online forum world it seems good to be small or average and very very bad to be large.  Basically, the polar opposite to the porn we all seem to watch.  So I’m left a little puzzled.  Men of the swinger world, are you OK with watching a large cock on a laptop because you know it isn’t real?  Does having one in the swinging community feel a little too close to home?  Does it perhaps make you feel a little insecure? Or make it an uneven penis pool?  I’m just throwing ideas out there, because swinging men resoundingly do not like talking about big dicks.  I on the other hand love it!

Now ladies, I have the funniest feeling we may be part of the problem here.  Have you ever told your partner that his size was just fine and you wouldn’t change a thing?  Have you ever said that you would be afraid of a larger penis or something to that extent?  And further to that, did you actually mean it?  If you did, and you believe all these things, then perfect, good on you.  But isn’t swinging about variety, and trying something you don’t normally get?  I ask this, because when couples share an account on online discussions, the men talk quite a bit differently and much more open minded.  They will say things like, I want my wife to be satisfied.  I am A OK with a larger guy because she likes it, and her happiness means everything to me.  And all these responses are perfectly fine, we should be able to express our opinions freely, I just get a little pissed off when every single large penis is shamed for asking questions.  And further women who do care about penis size are actually stigmatized for being “size queens” and frowned upon in the online setting.  Mostly by men who are obviously immature and insecure, oh wait did that sound judgy?  My bad.  Maybe I have a sweet spot for them because I get absolutely destroyed online if I complain that a cannot find clothes to fit me.  Tiny frame, large breasts, my goodness don’t get me started on trying to buy a bikini!  Those things are expensive and I have to buy 2 sets because they don’t sell tops and bottoms separately!  And people don’t like hearing that because the jealousy and envy supersedes my issue.  OK, tangent over.

Now let’s move into the real world.  For you see, most outsiders believe that a swing club/sex club is basically live porn so obviously there should be massive cocks everywhere.  Le sigh, this just isn’t the case though, sorry, the secrets is out, we are just normal, everyday people.  So let’s delve into what real world penis’s look like and how actual men react to them.  In a club setting… nobody cares!  Yup, that’s right.  The stigma is almost entirely an online phenomenon.  If there are real life insecurities, they are dealt with behind closed doors, and almost exclusively come down to, are you ready for this? Getting it up!  Personality, conversation, humour, supersede the penis size.  I have never once heard a guy lean over to another guy and ask how big he is down there prior to playtime, unless there has been too much booze, as some people are just tactless assholes no matter where they are.  So, in summary as is almost always the case, you cannot trust the internet.  What we google search, what we talk about and what happens in the real world are vastly different things.  So relax, and enjoy what you got.  And if you think I’m being sexist, re-read this post swapping male anatomy for breasts, boobs, etc and you will see that we are all equal when it comes to judgement.

Thanks so much for reading.  And if you liked this post, and want to see more, I am revamping my Patreon to give my readers and followers what they really want… that’s right, more boobs (all in support of my book writing endeavors).
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The Shift – Open Relationship Perception May be Changing

I have quite a few musings and sometimes angry rants about how people I interact with are judgmental in regards to my open relationship.  I am now experiencing a shift in thought.  Between media, education and a general societal awareness, open relationships are becoming a more common place term.  And now the questions can begin, still shrouded in judgement, but a start none the less. 
There is still that morbid curiosity from the monogamous, the questions of why, how, and what is missing in your relationship.  But a few questions of late seem to have more curiosity, than actual negativity.   I am not sure yet how to respond.  I have grown accustomed to having my back up, to deleting harassing messages, and to block people who behave in an aggressive manor towards my lifestyle.  Surprisingly, over the past few weeks I find myself having to take a step back, a deep breath and then actually write answers to thoughtful and curious queries.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would see a shift in awareness so quickly.
It is encouraging to see people learning new things, or at the very least aware of things outside their perceived bubbles.  I see more and more television shows depicting polyamory, and openness in a way that shows both good and bad sides.  Fair, tempered, and full bodied depictions of real world couples trying to find their own happiness.  That is all I want for myself, and for my loved ones.  Love and support in whatever way suits you, if ethics are being followed and respected of course. 

Selfishly, I do hope that this shift continues because I would love a few more couples in my dating pool.  Variety is the spice of my life, and why have 2, when you can have 4 or even 6?  The realist in me knows that I should just keep taking baby steps here.  There is still a tonne of murky water to wade through.  Still so much fear, and misconception, but if I can get a stranger to be kind and curious vs the norm I have come to expect, then I say progress is at hand.  Let the open awareness continue to grow.  People continue to grow, explore and expand their horizons just as I have done.  Education, rather than hatred towards what is not understood.

An “Open” Girls Dating Site Review

Dating sites are a critical tool in open relationships.  The advice of just go out and meet people is not quite kosher when you are non monogamous. So whether you are looking to add some spice or make new connections vetting through an online forum is the best way to go.  But of course, there is not just one dating site that perfectly suits my every changing wants and needs, so it is useful to have a few sites to bounce between.  Here is a brief review of 3 that I am currently using: POF, Ok Cupid and Bumble.  Side note, Tinder is a mixture of all 3 of these sites, so I am excluding it for the time being.  There is just nothing particularly special about it, it is merely a swiping exercise or boredom tool.    

Plenty of Fish has the largest user base, with the most restrictions for interactions.  As the pool so to speak is so vast, the likely hood of finding what you want, couples or just something fun on the side is higher.  However, there are some major drawbacks.  You cannot be honest about what you are looking for in your profile, ie married or poly.  They have very strict rules, and set themselves up as a singles site.  If you break these rules, you can be reported, blocked, or have your profile deleted.  This is not just a scare tactic, I have had my profile deleted because I said I was looking for couples in my profile.  There are subtle ways around this, for example, you can now put living together as one of your relationship taglines.  But of course, who really reads these things right?  It is an enticing site for people like me, just due to the sheer volume of users, but you also have to wade through a lot of crap to find what you are looking for.  And the restrictions POF places on who can use the site increases the deception that goes on.  So I always use the site with guards up, ready, and prepared for the abuses that come with interacting with such a variety of people who are not always prepared to handle my situation.  

Next up we have OKCupid.   This is by far my favourite site for dating as a couple.  We can put links to each other’s profiles right in our opening paragraph.  There are filters for non monogamy, and a bunch of fantastic ways to narrow down the quest to find that perfect someone.  It is set up for such a wide variety of users that I hope someday OKC will get the volume that POF has.  I have had some great conversations with poly, and open people alike.  How could you not send a lovely message?  Being able to share links is also a benefit.  Of course, there are report buttons and block options just like with POF, but I find it is users who block and not the site owners scanning your messages for rule infractions.  I feel more like a responsible adult on OKCupid.  But of course, because the open community is so small, you cannot just stick with one site. 

So onto the newest app I have tried, and that is Bumble.   Bumble is the female’s answer to Tinder.  Women match and talk first.  No more having to block users at a rapid pace when you first sign up as is necessary with all other dating apps and sites I have used over the years.  Here, we the females, have 24 hours to message that cutie that caught our eye and set the tone for our current wants.  It is a fantastic premise.  Being new though, there are a lot of fake profiles, and more than that, a huge shortage of people.  This app is going to take some time to really gain traction, and I hope it does.  The fear of reading the message of the biggest creep is gone.  The men cannot initiate contact, and that in itself removes the almost predatory feeling I think most women have felt while online dating.  It can be scary at times, and that can then crush a good girls ego.  Of course, being that the woman have the power, it leaves out a huge population gap that does not fit into the binary male/female interaction.  I cannot see a solution that would make everyone happy.  I do know that there is a setting so that you can see both male and female profiles, but that I have not yet tried, so am unable to comment on it’s effectiveness.    

So there you have it, the short and sweet low down on just 3 of the dating sites that are available and I use with relative frequency.  I’m always open to new suggestions as well, so feel free to message me or add some to the comment section.  Cheers!

Life is About Choices

I have the choice on a weekly basis to post a little bit about myself or make a statement on how I view a situation that I have experienced.  Just as I have a choice, you too have a choice to read or comment on that.  Sometimes it hurts to know that the people who should be in your corner for better or for worse just do not have the capacity to do so.  If members of my family and friends are not comfortable with reading my blog I am absolutely OK with that.  I know there are things that I write with which a parent or long time friend just does not want to know about.  Again that is perfectly fine, what I have a problem with is the people who have decided to treat me different as a result.  It is one thing to have different views and opinions, it is quite another to allow those views sour a relationship.  If you do not have the strength to say that you do not like something about me and would rather let it fester until the relationship dissolves itself then that is all on you.  Also to try and attack me through my comments section of this blog adds very little to the conversation. 
I write to help myself and keep my thoughts and feelings clear.  I write in a blog because I am certain that there are people out there with whom share similar thoughts or feelings, or just have a morbid curiosity for the lifestyle that I am in.  And a few very gracious people have even remarked that they just read because they like how I write, which always makes me blush.  But honestly, to harbor feelings of anger, or angst towards me because of how I choose to live my life makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.   I do not force my sometimes graphic content down anyone’s throat, again I write for myself primarily. 
I wake up almost every morning thankful for the happiness that I have found and the meaningful relationships that I have developed.  But these relationships do take at least two people and if there are things about me that you do not like, decide if you can overlook, or let it go.   I have been closing the door to people who just do not make sense to keep in my life, and although it is a tough choice to make, I know that sometimes it is the only true way to obtain real happiness.  I live for myself, and not for the comfort of those around me.

I challenge myself on a daily basis to be fair, kind, and a better communicator, striving to be more clear and concise.  I set these challenges because I want the most out of life and the choices I make are my own.  I am so impressed and amazed with the people who constructively challenge my ideas, and share personal stories to show me a different side of things.  I write about subject matter that I have thought critically about and my hope is that it does the same for a few of you too.  Don’t allow my lifestyle to affect you in a negative way.  I am not a “crazy bitch”, rather I live honestly and seek to express myself and my sexuality in a positive way, with both words and pictures and damnit that is my choice!