Category: Reading List

The Key to Sex, Dating, and Relationships

    K Ghislaine
With more and more frequency, I have been asked for dating advice.  I love giving dating, relationship and sex advice.  It is a passion I have had for years, and writing this blog allows me the freedom to say what I feel needs to be said and explore many conflicts I have found in the societies we live in.  There is a commonality to all advice that I give.  If you are not happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with someone else.   It is so basic and simple in concept, and yet really difficult to get through to many people.  The standard, you need to be in a good place to date seems to fall on deaf ears, or perhaps is too much of a challenge for many out there, I know I have struggled with a bit in recent months.
I am going to share with you a few items that I hope will help you as much as they have helped me.  The first thing is to write down all the things you like about yourself, followed by all the things you love about yourself.  Take 15 minutes and fill a page with every positive you know to be true, or even things that you are so proud you have improved about yourself.  After you have done this, take a highlighter and place emphasis on every item on that list that makes you unique, and stand out.  Take a few minutes to really acknowledge that you have strengths and feel some pride when doing this.  These highlighted items are things you should be sharing with those around you.  These are the stories you should be telling, and the passions you should be chasing.  These things that make you an individual, and what’s more are what make you interesting, which goes hand in hand with confidence.  The resulting list will be the fundamentals that allow you to exist with yourself.  And the only way to live with anyone else, is to first live with yourself.  To love yourself, and take pride in the things that set you apart.

I have a reading list on this blog, that I update regularly.  It is a compilation of the material that has added something important to how I view the world around me, specifically in how people interact with each other.  Reading and writing are my way of constantly improving myself, and playing to my strengths.  It is my uniqueness, passion and what fuels me day in and day out.  I found myself through my writing.  For some it is sports, others arts, design, music, public speaking, teaching, animals, comedy, and the list could go on for eternity.  I love helping through the mysteries of the dating world, relationships and even sex, and of course I love exploring all these things for myself.  But I had to find out what made me the best I am for myself.  No person could tell me, or teach me what really keeps me up at night.  Once you find yourself, everything else can truly follow.  There is no way around it.  No shortcuts and no exceptions.  You must love yourself, before anything can follow.  Once accomplished, feel free to write to me with any and all questions as I love hearing from you.

Bad Book! Bad!

    K Ghislaine
I have recently and very begrudgingly finished “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” for a variety of reasons, but the main one is mere curiosity.  This is a book that basically changed how my mom’s generation speaks about men and women in relationships.  Whether they hated or loved the book, growing up I heard reference to men and women being from different planets often enough to finally want to read the book for myself.  I will not pretend that I enjoyed the book, suffice to say that there is so much convulsion of ideas that no matter what your viewpoint on a subject the circular speech finds an eerie way of relating to every single person and situation imaginable.  And when it does not, well “either ignore it (moving onto something you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself” (John Gray’s words and not mine). 
Thankfully I am finished as I said and I would like to summarize why I feel the book gained so much popularity.  Quite simply, displacement (thanks Addams Family for always making me say that word with an accent).  The entire premise of the book is based on the idea of blame, or shifting your perceptions.  Rather than getting to know the opposite sex, or learning to love them for who they are, the book teaches you that they are who they are because of their alien heritage.  If you are having a fight, it is because you speak a different language, and thus it is necessary to accept the differences and learn how to manipulate the situation to your favor.  There is also a little gem in there that 10 percent of a fight is based on the present, and 90 percent of any fight is due to your parents or something dark in your past.  We don’t fight because we are actually annoyed, we fight because of past events and once we look past or write a loving letter then everything will be roses.

But here’s the thing, love or hate the book, as much as I do, there are points of real interest.  For example, the idea that once you can learn to accept that you partner needs his/her alone time, you can stop taking it as a personal slight or lack of love.  Also that by learning to communicate with direct language versus trying to sugar coat our feelings, pretending to be happy or not bothered we can build stronger bonds.  These are fundamental keys to living with a partner, communicating effectively and growing as a couple regardless of sex.  Shame it two nearly half the book to make clear those two thoughts, but it was really easy read so the pain did not last long.  I am curious though, if anyone has read it, and found it to be helpful in their lives.  I truly want to hear from you!  This book after all changed a generation, and perhaps it was the building block that allows my generation to further explore our relationships… maybe.

Question Everything – Reading List

    K Ghislaine

I will be using this post on an ongoing basis to share some of the books that have impacted me in the writing of this blog.  Please feel free to share with me in the comments section any books that you would like to recommend as well.  Happy reading 🙂

Sex at Dawn  By Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha :  Originally it was titled ” How we mate, why we stray and what it means for modern relationships”.  This book really focuses on the myth about our evolution as monogamous beings, and shed light using evolutionary evidence for how humans probably mated.  It also offers a bit of insight into why men have a tough time not straying.

A Billion Wicked Thoughts By Ogi Ogas and Sai Goddam :  This book is the first to use internet research as an anonymous basis for extracting what really turns human beings on.  It was eye opening to learn just why we are turned on, and opened my eyes at least to a lot of misconceptions that I had regarding porn.

The Art of Seduction By Robert Greene :  I loved this book from the first moment I picked it up.  Robert Greene in all his books uses historical stories to show the main types of seducers and their most common targets.  It is a book I have re read a few times and would highly encourage everyone to read it.

Why Men Love Bitches By Sherry Argov : Honestly this was just a fun read, and the timing when I read it was ideal as I had just gone through a breakup.  Thus the author playfully pointed out a few keys areas where things probably went wrong.  There is not a lot of detail, more broad ideas that can get you thinking.

The Ethical Slut By Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy :  A guide to open relationships, polyamory, etc.  The first half of this book was amazing in its straighforward and open talk about the ups and downs of loving more that one person.  For me the last half was quite new age which I have a tougher time subscribing to, but all in all there were some strong points made and there are activities that partners can try even in a monogamous pairing to help fight and communicate more effectively.

Nine Parts of Desire : The Hidden World of Islamic Women By Geraldine Brooks.  An inside look at Islamic woman both through their eyes and that of the author.  One of those books that I have avoided reading for years yet truly opened my eyes to how woman can willingly live a life so foreign to me. The amazing power that the Islamic faith really has over both the men and women was a very interesting read, especially on my posts regarding woman’s rights.

Whores in History: Prostitution in Western Society By Nickie Roberts.  I am including this book in my reading list as it deals with the origins of woman’s sexual freedom or rather lack there of.  The evidence presented in this book of repression of a persons right to use their bodies in any way they choose is very well laid out.  I have a whole new respect for the working girl and just how much their plight impacts my daily life.  A very necessary read to anyone who deems themselves for feminism or against feminism.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus By John Gray.  This book was tough to include, however as the book clearly states it has sold nearly 14 million copies and therefor is a part of how the generation before me views men and women.  I read this book solely to understand the framework that millions of people have used to view men and women.  Although I disagree with much in this book, I do accept that it is a part of relationships and how we view them, thus the inclusion on my reading list.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty By Mark Manson.  This book was eye opening, both for some internal introspection and the eye opening about what men really need to do to attract a woman. Self improvement is key, being honest with yourself, and knowing what you want.  Big endorsement, and will be highly recommended to any man who is struggling in attracting a mate.

Gender Gap: The Biology of Male-Female Differences By David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton.  I really struggled with the reading of this book.  I was fascinated at times by the evolutionary examples in the animal kingdom of sexual diversity, and then wanted to throw the book across the room as a result of the assumptions and social dynamics that humans were placed in.  For example, saying evolutionary traits have proven we are not monogamous beings, and then saying that there is no record in the authors minds of an open relationship working. If you can overlook such contradictions and ignore the opinions of the authors, it has some enlightening points.

The Corporate Dominatrix By Lisa Robyn.  Sometimes self help books are just as important as books that deal with specific subject matter.  One of these books that I would like to add to the list to read is the Corporate dominatrix.  This was an empowering book about finding your inner Dominatrix role in the workplace.  As with so many things though, this power, has applications in navigating the dating world and personal relationships alike.  Knowing when to be an Amazon at work, but a Governess at home is all part and parcel of work life balance.  Something that we need to put equal focus on if we are to develop whole and genuine interactions with those around us.  In my mind, this is a must read for every woman who is seeking power, has it already and wants to maintain, or is having troubles knowing which role to play in your day to day scenarios.
The Bitch in the House   Edited by Cathi Hanauer.  This is a book edited with 26 different woman`s stories ranging from motherhood, to sex, to relationships, even a story on open relationships.  I freely admit this book had me in tears and at times in a rage about everything wrong with society.  But mostly, just nodding yes, YES and wishing all my ladies read this book and could talk as freely with me as these woman did.  This book compiled some of my biggest fears when it comes to balancing motherhood and work.  I believe that a sequel is in the works so please ladies, give this one a read if you love my blog.

Doormat? WTF?!?!

    K Ghislaine

Eureka!  I have figured it out.  It took 3 glasses of wine to clear my head, an amazingly great night sleep with the window open in a fantastic thunder and lightning storm and a hot bubble bath to have my epiphany.  I never once put E in his place.  I turned myself into a doormat, I do say this with a very big hint of irony.  I allowed myself to get swept up off my feet and get treated the best I ever have in a relationship.  But there was absolutely no fear established that would prevent him from treating me like something to be used when push came to shove.
I recall the exact moment with D when I absolutely put him in his place and laid the foundation to NEVER treat me like crap.  We were partying at the frat house as usual for a weekend, whereby there was a pool of blue Jello in which a few people decided to wrestle in.  The night was absolutely freezing and I didn’t bring a change of clothes so I declined to partake.  D of course decided to drag chick after chick into that pool turning a mass of people into blue Smurffs.  To warm up D and a female who I didn’t know went up to shower together and closed the door.  Well I lost my mind and proceeded to leave the house.  I am not sure which of our friends tried to stop me at the door and further which one ran upstairs to let him know that I was furious (sorry guys I was seeing red that night).  D came running out of the bathroom and tried to talk me out of leaving and to try to explain that nothing happened.  I stood my ground and said that I was going home, with or without him.  I laid it on the line that I was prepared to leave that night.  Who knows what went through his head at that moment, but when I got into my car he was on the other side knocking on the door for it to be unlocked.  We both made a choice that night, and neither of us looked back.  That one incident lasted for over 7 years and I never felt like I had to earn or fight for his love.  He made a choice and proved how much he loved me in that moment and I did not ever have to question that.
I just finished reading “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov and she could not have made it plainer about how important it is in a relationship to not be taken advantage of.  I tried to convince myself that by not being a Bitch I was giving my guy a magical and special gift.  That I was showing such open love and kindness I rationalized that he could never ever take advantage of that.  I am now laughing almost to tears realizing the magnitude of errors in this line of thinking.  I freaking knew better!  For better or for worse I know exactly what type of relationship I want and what type of person I want to be in one.  Thus here I am shaking off the dust, and giving my head a much deserved wag of my finger.  Although I am choosing laughter now, there were definitely some tears along the way to this lovely self discovery.  I suppose I could chalk this off to simply experimenting with being a doormat for science, but the truth of the matter is NEVER again.  

Religion’s First Impact on Me

    K Ghislaine

When I was a little girl, the idea of hell was a very scary place, and I was directed to pray each night before I went to bed.  I tried very hard to be a good Christian when I was entered into the Catholic school system at the age of 8.  As I grew up I was given every opportunity to ask questions, read any book I wanted, and ultimately given freedom with my personal spirituality.

When I was 14, I openly became agnostic, which evolved to atheism as a late teenager.  As an atheist religion has always been a secret fascination of mine.  I first read ” A Skeleton in God’s Closet” when I was in high school which just blew my mind.  Although it was fiction, it had an unsettling way of ending right where it should have began, it ended with religion being the only answer and all the evidence that riveted me to the contrary in the elaborate hoax.  I realize it is a very cut and dry summation but its meaningful also because it is the last fictional book that I have purchased. This book had such a major impact on the reading material I have chosen from there on in.

As well there are some amazing writers out there who have opened my eyes to the possibility that what the faithful wanted to be a hoax, in the novel above, could actually be a reality.  For example, “The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail”, which predates any of the fiction that Dan Brown has written.  I truly am of the opinion that each book you read leaves a little bit inside that shapes your reality going forward. I want to be shaped by factual research and well written material and not some dribble about vampires or wizards.

Once I switched to non-fiction the pieces of the puzzle which religion tried to answer for me, were finally answered, by the ironic lack of it.  As a girl trying to be the best Christian I could, I was always trying to please this invisible being. I was constantly seeking signs and reassurances that I was on the correct path in life.  I would find signs in nature, my food, the weather, really anything.  The weird thing was when religion was finally absent from my life, I realized that the only person I needed to please was me.  The idea that I am the only judge and jury of how I live my life, and how I appear to the people I surround myself with has been my own personal salvation.

Religion has caused incredible harm, and bloodshed throughout our history, but unless we research and learn from our past mistakes we are doomed to repeat this cycle and raise children who do not look to themselves or their parents for answers, but rather turn to some invisible being.  I know who I want to raise my children, and it is not the voices in their heads or some pious male preaching at church.  Making mistakes is not sin, it is part of being human, what you learn from those mistakes is the real value to your humanity.