Here and Now: Regret

The second post I ever wrote, and in fact the first post that I was brave enough to actually publish and e-mail out to a few friends and select family members was entitled Regret.  When I wrote this post E and I had broken up and I was reeling.  I was trying to decide if an open relationship was something new and exciting because of his introduction, or because it suited me.  And in all honesty it took me a few years to be able to start putting into actions what I felt was right for me in theory.  I never for a moment regretted my time with him, and I have not since then regretted how hard I have fallen for him in the past few years.  We are amazing partners.  And yet, I read that post of mine, and I felt a lump in my throat.  I tried so hard to edit it, to have it make a little more sense.  And yet, there was real and raw emotion to it when I wrote it.

I cannot help but delve a little deeper into why that is, or was.  I have heard from many of my friends and peers that my writing style has changed, that it has grown and matured.  I smile and say thank you, or that I know it has.  The truth is, it is not my writing that has changed, it is me.  My perspectives and my views.  I wrote Regret being fiercely proud of my actions up until that point.  Almost arrogantly self assured that every action I took, I stood behind.  That I could live with the ramifications and move forward with my life.  The crushing honesty was though, that I knew deep down, that not being with E was just wrong.  I regretted nothing, except the very essence of why I was writing, trying to make sense of me, relationships, and the like.  Doing all of this while balancing the pain and the knowledge that the biggest mistake of my life was being without him.
If at the time of writing that post I had acknowledged what I was really feeling and why, I may just have crumbled.  Heartbreak and loneliness is something I have a great deal of experience with, and again in that case, it was completely out of my control.  I had allowed something amazing to spiral downwards because I was in limbo between theory and actions.  I was caught up between falling in love, and having to share.  Between being an only child, selfish to the core and learning that I could love more than one.  I was a mess, an emotional, gut aching mess.  It took me years to re read that post.  I am amazed at how wonderful the here is, in relation to that moment where I felt crippling regret and fought everything in me to believe that everything happens for a reason.  That moment where annoying optimism collides head on with the unknown reality that something really wrong has just happened.  That first pang of real regret.



One key trait that I strive for everyday is to ensure that I do not live with regret. I stand by my actions good or bad.  If there have been cruel or intentional acts of malice, and there have been many throughout my childhood and teenage years all I can say is I have learned many things from them.  It is very interesting how people react to negativity and further what it teaches you with regards to your own reactions or in many cases how not to react.  I personally have very limited foresight and find myself constantly in situations that I call my lessons learned.  The one balance is that I do learn from my mistakes and peoples reactions to them.  It is very rare that I will err more than once in any situation.

In saying that though, I find myself replaying a situation with many similarities but with a completely different man than I was used to for so many years.  Unfortunately I tried a new tactic to avoid ending up with him angry and me hurt, but ended in the same result…alone and not by my decision. Dealing with the opposite sex is tricky business and it is so easy to forget and let your guard down.  The seduction can never end or become stagnant.  I chalk this up to a life lesson and I should have known better, but here I am learning yet again.  Trying to ensure that the next man or perhaps a second chance with the same man will yield much happier results.

Not allowing myself the luxury of regret or feeling sorry for myself may seem arrogant to some people, but truly there is not an ounce of it.  Things have happened in my past that could have sent me into deep depression if I allowed them to become a real part of me.  Things that hurt others I try not to repeat, which of course allows for whole new ways to hurt in some cases, but that is my life and my outlook on it.  It is amazing the ability each of us has to internalize a situation, grow and make alterations for the future.  A life does not have to be one of repeated mistakes, as that is how we can too quickly dig holes and end up in hopelessness.

All I can say is I am sure people out there believe that I should regret certain decisions, but they are mine to make.  They are also mine to make again or to learn from, to be the person that I want to look back on fondly and have my grandchildren respect in even the smallest of ways.


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