Weird Rituals and Things I Do When I Like Someone

Libra Tattoo

Ok, I am about to share some things that I do when I like someone, and my hope is we can have some fun conversations about the lighter side of dating. I know, I have been venting a lot lately (Twitter), and my piece on the Pain of Ghosting definitely struck some chords with people. So let me be the first to proclaim that I can also be ridiculous, and fun, and I hope bringing some smiles or absurdity to the world will start changing my luck!  Haha!  A girl can dream right?  So, without further ado, here are some of the weird dating rituals that I do when I first meet someone, and actually start to like them.

Googling Them

While this one seems fairly standard in today’s day and age, I take this one as more of a sleuthing challenge. For some strange reason, I don’t ever ask someone’s last name, and instead prefer to “discover it” by putting random details that I have found out on a first date into various searches and discovering it. Looking back, I have always taken pride in figuring out a guys last name, and used to take a sneak peak at their drivers licence or credit card.  Haha!  Are you creeped out yet?  Oh, it gets weirder.

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Sign Compatibility

Obviously, the point of those first few dates is to discover the likelihood of any budding romance or long-term compatibility. But, I do something a little strange, or at the very least something I don’t usually admit to people, I google zodiac compatibility. Why is this strange? Because I put zero stock in anything zodiac related. I have many thoughts on the subject (and believe me I would be a hypocrite to judge anyone for enjoying horoscopes being that I have my sign tattoo on my ankle) , but now, horoscopes and the like just aren’t a thing I consume. Well, except when it comes to compatibility tests. I absolutely love reading how two people rate when it comes to sex, love, and communication. And the best part, even if we are not a match, astronomically speaking, I take it as a personal challenge to be the exception to the rule. Really, I have to laugh at the ridiculousness of letting the stars be my guide in this instance.

Physical Chemistry

And last but not least, the final, or sometimes the first thing I do, is test the physical chemistry waters. Yes, sex is incredibly important to me, and if I don’t get butterflies reminiscing about that first touch or clothes off encounter, it’s going to be a no from me. Why even mince words on this one? I love sex, I want a steady stream of orgasms, and excitement for my life, so… it’s got to be there. And while I don’t expect an orgasm the first time, I am fully aware of my body, and know if I will get one in the near future.

Time shall tell if these strange little things will actually pan out or not. For the interim, they are kinda fun to do, especially that last section! Haha! So what are your little singledom rituals? Do you wear lucky lingerie? Memorize their phone number? Or something completely out of left field? Comment below! And don’t forget to check out Patreon for all the latest posts, behind the scenes photos, and much more!

The Power of Touch

My Lament

The Power of Touch

With the conclusion of every relationship, I look back, and allow my mind to openly accept the red flags that I willingly chose to ignore. We’ve all done it. And I will probably continue to do it. When you are in love with someone you might call these things compromises, or just accept them.  But when you are out of love, they are easier to see. And for a person such as myself who has had two 8 plus year long relationships in a row, I am taking things a step further, and seeing the concessions I made with both men. In this lament, I am going to talk about touch, or rather the lack of it. In short, touch has power, and when I can’t have it, I should walk away, right?

I grew up in a family that hugs and kisses each other… a lot! Touch was quite natural amongst family, but, like any good teenager, I ended up rebelling in my late teens and took a hard stance against hugs of any kind. At the time, I was also with a man who hated/feared intimacy. Unless our clothes were off, there was no hugging, kissing, touching, or hand holding. Touch was just not a thing, and lead me to write about the anti-seductive power of touch.

Fast forward to my last long term relationship where I was granted about 50 percent more out of bedroom intimacy. I honestly felt like I hit the jackpot. Those first few years were ripe with PDA, and all sorts of clothed touch, well, except for one key thing, he refused to hold my hand. In fact, any sort of hand holding in or out of the bedroom would result in an almost anxiety inducing moment for him. But, the hugs, were there, and I felt my self esteem and confidence boost to the point that I started hugging my closest friends again.

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It’s weird to admit, but once I felt that tease of touch, it was like the floodgates opened. I became almost insatiable and just wanted constant touch and affection, as if I was some love starved person. Which, it turns out, I actually was but didn’t recognize it at the time. The innate desire for human touch was a symptom of something I could not admit to myself: that this man and I were not right for each other. We were out of sync for a long time, but, life is life, and it kept us together far longer than it ever should have.

Hindsight is a magical thing, that can actually throw a person like me right down a regret filled rabbit hole. Why didn’t he want to hold my hand, say I love you, hug me just because he could? Was I that unlovable? Was/am I not worthy of intimacy or a connection? These questions swirl around when I least expect them, and get almost unbearable when I meet someone new, because guess what? Covid times mean we are universally out of sync with intimacy and human touch. It is such a fun time to be dating, said absolutely no one! We have a social responsibility to keep our distance from people, and what I am finding out, is that my personality type, and issues with touch are not conducive to this. 

But, I will persevere, try not to come on to strong and touchy feely with new people, and just do my best to work out my desire for intimacy alone, in my bedroom with buzzing toys??

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The Pain of Ghosting

That Too Many of Us Know

The Pain of Ghosting

I’ve had my opinions on why ghosting someone sucks for years. Never for a moment did I think a person who ghosts someone else was an admiral human being. In fact, the contrary. I still believe that a person who just stops responding for no reason is a coward, and spineless. These individuals are not ready to date, because I believe dating adults need to understand how to end a relationship, and handle rejection with grace. But that is an article for another time (or just the one I link to later on), for now, let me share my recent experience with being ghosted.  Just so we are on the same page, let me start with the definition.

What is ghosting?

It is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Why am I writing about this?

Because, I was seeing a guy for almost 9 weeks, and out of the blue, he just stopped responding to any messages where I said I wanted to see him. And then, just stopped messaging me altogether.

The thing about this is, I always assumed that ghoster’s would be douchebags, or FuckBoys, or people with zero confidence. I thought that I was smart enough to spot someone who would do that to another person a mile away. Well, I was just knocked down a peg, and my dating confidence was in fact called into question. It’s difficult to be left with all these unanswered questions. To be just left wondering. And what’s worse, to have it done to you by someone that you genuinely thought was just a kind, amazing soul. This guy and I clicked. We made each other smile, and the in-person chemistry was fantastic, or so I thought. Because ultimately, I will never know for sure. My perception remains invalidated due to his silence.

It’s not that I expected this relationship to be forever. But, he made me happy, and did incredibly sweet things for me and I tried to be spontaneous and thoughtful in return. I felt amazing in his arms, and just thinking about him made me smile.  But here I am, wondering, if it was all in my head?

The lack of closure, is uncomfortable. The uncertainty of what happens if we ever run into each other again is real. These situations are not what I expected to encounter as an adult in the dating world. Ghosting, shouldn’t happen when you’re in your late 30’s (as we both were). There just doesn’t seem to be a rational reason with the simplicity of texting at our fingertips.

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But then the compassionate, bleeding heart in me goes… wait… did something happen to him? Maybe it wasn’t me. Perhaps that last message I sent him was the final kick in the nuts, and I’m the real asshole now. Maybe I pushed him too far, and really, he was planning on seeing me, but wanted it to be a surprise (Ha… OK that is a stretch).  In short though, welcome to my brain, because it would be easier for me to be the one in the wrong.  If that was the case, I can fix my behaviour, own it, or basically have some sort of control. Being ghosted like this, takes all power away from me, and leaves that sickening helpless feeling. Which, I know some of you may be wondering what my final text to him was, because if you know me at all, helpless is not something I tolerate.  So here goes pain and all:

“Kinda bummed you just stopped messaging or making an effort to see me. I thought we got along well, and really enjoyed spending time with you. Le sigh…”

Of course his response… Nothing!

So, to all of us out there dating, please don’t ghost other humans. If you have no idea how to face rejection or reject another human, please give the Handling Rejection section of How to Start Conversations. In short, just be good to each other. Truly, we have all been through enough with 2020!

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Breaking Away from Monogamy:

And Exploring Sex Positivity!

Sex Positivity

Well, as with all things change is inevitable.  For those long time readers (and I know there are a few who have followed me since the beginning) you have been privy to a few changes of branding over the years, so this post will not be a first. For the rest of you though, new and casual readers alike, welcome to the randomness that is my life. More and more I have felt this urge to explore more things within the sex positive community. While my blog started out as my personal exploration of non-monogamy, I always felt that doing sex toy reviews, interviews with other people, or even dabbling into podcasts felt a bit off. And of course, with all the randomness of my last few years, exploring sex positivity seems a more accurate description of where my life is headed. So, the re-brand and timing just feels right.

Exploring non-monogamy and its vast spectrum during a pandemic obviously was not going to happen. But with that forced pause, it got me thinking that there are some many diverse subjects that I want to bring into the fold beyond just relationship diversity. I want to share the tough sex conversations that I have had, and hope will make things easier for others, or at the very least allow just one person not feel alone. That alone feeling is after all, why I started blogging in the first place. After finding myself in my first open relationship, and finding out quickly that none of my friends or family could or would be the support system I needed, I began blogging.

Now that my relationships have evolved and I find myself in a new headspace, the diversity of things that I need to explore and talk about needs to expand and be more indicative of where I have evolved to.  I have written about being relationship fluid, and perhaps sexually fluid, so the idea of just being non-monogamous doesn’t seem true to form. And now that I am dating again, people and conversations are going to be adventures. Take for instance, bringing this blog up and my writing passions up to someone who is for all intents and purposes monogamous. How will that look and feel? How do I have the tough conversations with new people about my past, and the book that is frighteningly close to being finished? Can I rectify all my sexual experiences, and past with the desire to start a new family or be accepted into someone else’s world? These are my current realities.

And there is just one more thing that I want to talk about, and something that is hugely important to me, and my place in the blogging sphere. And that is how I incorporate diversity and a safe space for exploration onto my pages and the words that I write.  I have been lucky enough to have a few guest writers over the years, but it was tough with my previous format. This new brand, I hope will allow for more exploration of diversity and acceptance. Sex positivity is for everyone. It took me years to embrace it in myself, and I could never have arrived at this place of love and acceptance without all of my past experiences. I don’t know what the future of my life, or relationships will lead, but I do know that my blog needs to remain a reflection of who I am in this moment.

Thank you all for the likes, shares, messages, and comments thus far. I hope that we can continue this journey together for many more years to come!!! And of course, a very special thank you to everyone who has supported my work on Patreon.

Being a Disappointment

Serenity Now!

The last text I received from my ex step dad, was his proclamation of how disappointed was in me (And I’m guessing still is). The text came after I sent him my condolences for his mother passing away. I was gutted. Obviously there is a long backstory there, of which I wrote about on my gaslighting pieces, and suffice it to say, our relationship imploded. Enough time has passed, and active healing on my part, to allow me to type this paragraph without crying. And that is a huge deal for me. However, the soul crushing idea that I could disappoint someone I love or who loves me, is one of those things I’m not sure I can ever overcome completely.

So, here is my current struggle. I am immensely proud of this blog, and all the words I have put onto various pages over the years. But, there is a fear, that someone I start to care about, would be disappointed to learn about my past. Or, would be embarrassed to tell their family about the subject matters I have broached over the years. I wake up in the middle of the night more often than not gripping the sheets tightly, having just dreamt that I have been “found out”.

In the calm moments of the day, I can rationalize that I am the compassionate, and loving person that I am today because of all my experiences. And while I desperately want to believe the truth of someone loving me for all my scars and experiences, historically, that has not been the case. I have never been loved by a partner, for the good, bad, and ugly. So, it is hard to trust in the right person being out there, with whom this will happen.

The guy I recently started seeing is amazing. He is good, kind, and we fit together sexually in the most incredible way. But, I worry that I am not good enough for him. That some how I don’t deserve this level of happiness. That I am only worthy of the challenging men, the broken men, and the people who make we work to earn their love.  Ok, now I’m crying.

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To combat this feeling of insecurity and the belief that I am not good enough, I have positive affirmations written on my white board that say things like, “enjoy the happy ride”, “mutual love”, and the like. I am working diligently to break free of this idea that I am not worthy. But, it’s a challenge. I historically have over compensated in relationships to ensure that I am never a disappointment, however, I always am. I end up alone, forging ahead with determination, and a that intense survival mechanism that always allows me to rebuild and move on. And it is insanity to look back and see just how many times I have done that over my lifetime.

I don’t want it to seem like my life has been any more challenging than anyone else’s. Life is not easy, for anyone. And it is with that compassion that I openly accept all the faults of new prospects in my life. I just hope, someday, someone will do the same for me. That somewhere there is a person, who will do the same for me. And perhaps, maybe, I won’t be a disappointment.

Thank you to all who have liked, shared, and supported me over the years. And a special thank you to all who have fuelled my beer fund!