Category: Relationships

Breaking Away: My Next Chapter

Love, Sex, and What Comes Next

Love, Sex, and What Comes Next

There are so many things that society, or family dictate that you must keep a secret.  Your sex life for example, shall never be shared publicly.  So of course, I created a blog to explore and to ultimately better understand my last non-monogamous relationship.  It began as questions, and evolved into my stance that breaking away from taboos can be valuable, and sometimes even helpful to share.  Writing has given me clarity of purpose and is also how I best express myself, and find the answers to all of my many, many questions.  Sometimes I even stumble upon a snippet of wisdom or two, and I count myself lucky in that I’ve been fortunate enough to share with anyone who dares to read. Oh, and I may have finally finished my book… so stay tuned for details on that! But for this post let me get down to my next chapter brought to you by love, sex, and what comes next for me!

I am about to embark on a new sort of taboo and secret sharing, that is going to push me out of my comfort zone, yet again.  And that is this whole wanting a family thing.  Specifically, wanting children.  I am tearing up, simply writing those words, because there is a secret deep down, that I have felt necessary to keep to myself for quite some time.  And it’s hurt to do, almost as badly as the actual experience was, and that was my miscarriage early on this year.

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For those long time readers who are going, whoa!  I signed up to read about your experiences outside of monogamy, and not something so personal, such as loss.  And, at this point, I thank you so much for your support over the years, and completely understand you not wanting to continue.  For those who are still a little curious, as to what I can possibly be thinking right now, it is simply this; trying to have children is a subject that people are reluctant to talk about.  It is something that feels strange, and difficult to write about, or even talk about, and that is why, I know deep down, that I must.

Also, I have long touted myself as being sex positive.  And guess what?  One of the things that can result from sex, is procreation.  Thus, I don’t think this is a strange fit at all for this blog.  Sex is about pleasure, fun, love, and yes, sometimes even trying to create life.  I’m almost 40, financially stable, and have found the absolute love of my life.  And so, what better time than to try, fulfilling a dream I have had for decades, which is to be a mother. And yes, there can be no doubt that my biological clock is absolutely screaming at me to hurry up, before it gets too late, so hormones might play a little role too.

I have experienced so much when it comes to sexual exploration, as this blog can attest.  But the one thing, I have yet to experience is what sex is like, when two people who love each other, are trying to conceive.  I was trying to make that line cheesy and corny, but decided that blunt was the best.  When I accidentally got pregnant, I was horrified to realize the complete lack of reputable information for all the many questions that I had.  Yes, I am a sexual being, and yes, I want to continue to be a sexual being even when pregnant, but, above all, I want to do the right things, and ensure that I’m doing all the best things possible to ensure a healthy baby. And while this blog will never and can never serve to give medical advice, what it aims to do is share my experiences in an honest way.

I’m sure there are many people that don’t want to read about this journey, and that is absolutely alright with me.  But I know how many questions I had late last year when I found out, and how helpless I felt when everything went wrong.  I don’t think I am alone in that feeling, and as I have always said, if I can help just one person through my mistakes, and experiences, then all the vulnerability will be worth it.  My writing will remain raw, real, and yes, I will be talking about sex, this is me after all. So stay tuned, because I’m about to tackle something taboo, and write the secrets down that apparently you are not supposed to talk about. Love, Sex and what comes next!

For all the behind scenes content, and to support this little blog, please consider checking out my Patreon page!

So Many Changes…

Changes

I know I have been absent from writing for far too long. First, it was the result of falling head over heels in love, and not wanting my posts to be filled with the braggadocio rhetoric that I felt would be the result. Then, something actually happened that stopped my writing in its very tracks. While I am not quite ready to write about that particular subject matter, I will say, that in time, I know I will feel brave enough to give it the space it deserves. Until then, we have this little update post filled with a few of my many changes.

As of today, I am all settled into a new home, with a man I absolutely adore, and finally believe people when they say I look happy, that I deserve it.

This blog, has always been a safe space for me to explore my thoughts, feelings, and formulate the goings on of my brain into almost cohesive thoughts. When I was breaking away from monogamy, this space saved my sanity. It allowed me to connect with like minded individuals, and it gave me space to explore all the things that I needed to explore. Being a sexual being, and fluid in so many ways, this outlet, well, I cannot even begin to express how it helped change me into who I am proud to be in this moment.

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That being said, there are changes happening. And I truly believe that I am finally on the path that I am meant to be. It was in breaking away from monogamy that I found out who I am. And thus, the title of this blog will remain the same. But, what I write about, on a forward basis, will inevitably be a little different. Why? Because in falling in love, I finally feel this completeness of mind and soul. And that is what I earnestly want to throw all my attention at. This one soul, who has captivated me, and absolutely adores me, and I feel the exact same way about.

I have no crystal ball, nor any magical ability to see what the future holds. All I do know, is my past was key to me finding this man. Just as his past, made him the man that I am in love with. This blog was born out of heartbreak, and now, it will be evolving due to love. Simple, beautiful, and incredible love. Maybe you’ll stick around to see where my musings take me, or maybe you’ll take your leave. Either way, thank you for reading (and supporting me on Patreon). I am so excited for my future, and I hope that you’ll stop in from time to time to see where that takes me.

Wait?! Falling in Love is Real?

First bouquet of flowers

I have worked my butt off to be great when it comes to relationships.  I even wrote a post touting all the books that helped shape who I am as a person, and why I communicate the way I do.  Wonderful!  I have done extensive writing, journaling, and research into chasing butterflies, and dealing with aftershocks and all the fun moments in time that I have experienced over the years.  Amazing.  Yay me!  Then I went a step farther and read a book called “Why We Love” by Dr. Anna Machin.  Even better, now I could add to my resume, the scientific knowledge behind why love is so important to how we socialize as humans.  Our basic survival actually depends on it.  Again, Wow!  My pragmatic and rational side really came through for me, but wait, never once did I talk about falling in love. 

Why? Because honestly, that just wasn’t something I factored into the equation. In fact, I think I had been so jaded about the whole finding someone to spend time with, I forgot that part even existed.  And that’s not entirely my fault, well, maybe it is. I know I fell in love with my ex fiance.  But, honestly, I can’t remember what that felt like.  Sure it was a long time ago, but also, pretty much everything in my life was going on. I met him at the tender age of 17, when we were both in university, and we just fell into stride with one another. Experiencing pretty much every first in tandem, builds something pretty unique, but, honestly, nothing all that memorable.

Then there was my next long term partnership, which was pretty much non-stop adventure.  And love, just wasn’t logical in the sense of anything I had experienced before. And because that is such a tough one to explain, I am almost finished writing an entire book on it.  One thing I don’t think I touched on in it, and maybe I should add it to the summary is how we came to the conclusion of love.  I think I said it about 6 months into the relationship, and I believe he said it back about 6 months after that.  It was slow as molasses.  And it wasn’t the experience of falling in love.  It was more of an inevitability that grew into a partnership.

Here I sit though, realizing that I am falling head over heels for someone pretty incredible. I actually am experiencing the whooshing of falling feeling, and the holy shit this is moving way to fast, but… I don’t want to stop or catch my breath.  The whole desire to spend every waking moment with him is so supremely real that I cannot help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. And yet, we are both so happy, ready for this, and open to seeing where this goes.  The idea that your person is out there, you can actually talk about everything and your bodies fit together in magical perfection? Brain is exploding here. I’m 39, and I am experiencing firsthand the concept of falling in love, and redundant or not, I love it.

Thank you to everyone who has helped the book writing process by fuelling me with beer via my Patreon!

My Summer Reflection

Summer Reflection: Cheers!

This summer, has been one of risks, and buckling down and just doing the hard things. I wish that I could say that it was a season that brought conclusions or even certainty, but I’m not sure that’s a place I exist. So, let me share a few milestones that I have worked on, and basically put into my brain, that yes, I may deserve a pat on the back even though I am not quite there. And maybe some kind soul will read this and agree, and perhaps buy me a coffee or a beer via my BreakingAway Patreon page? Any who, let me share a few of the big things I’m working on.

First and foremost, I am now financially free from my ex. It was exhausting at times, and the final step of a years long process to untangle our lives from each other. We are both in better places apart, and I am grateful that we were able to achieve this goal with civility. With that chapter closed, I was able to put the money from my separation to great use, and have made real progress in my future finances. I have struggled with money for decades, and I am proud to say that I have turned the corner with a real end in sight. I am finally in control of my own future.

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate)

Now with that freedom, something else that I knew would happen, was an emotional release. And well, what that means for all you is that, I have been able to put the hard words on paper when it comes to the book I am working on. Yup, I am actively finishing my final edit, which, come hell or high water I will begin the pitching process and outside editing pain. I’m the closest I have ever been to finishing this, and with the fear comes this strange feeling of readiness. I am ready to let this project go out into the world, fear and all.

So, now, let me get to the summer of love summary. Well, I am no closer to an answer than when this summer started. Real connections have been made, and while I have no clue what the future will hold, I will say, I believe this was the summer of friendship. Clearly that is not where I want these stories to end, but, I am resting easy in the knowledge that none of this effort has been wasted. I have met and interacted with incredible people, and I feel rich in the knowledge that real friendships have been forged out of this. Yeah, there has been a lot of crap, and a heap of rough stuff to navigate, sorry to my nearest and dearest for having to listen to it all, but ultimately, there have been no regrets this summer. I took risks, shared real feelings, and had some intense conversations, and even better, I had some really fun moments, and a lot of laughter.

So, those are some of my summer reflections. Yes, I know the season isn’t over yet, and of course being me there is so much more to come, but… I wanted to take pause and give myself a reason to enjoy a few moments. I have worked hard, and even though the joy is by myself, I am patting myself on the back. The hard work will pay off. And the journey, well… it’s been an adventure!

Aftershocks, Energy Flow, and Actually Feeling Re-Filled?

Aftershock Bliss

So, let me continue with my exploration of aftershocks and energy.  In my last piece I aimed to better describe what I was feeling when in comes to my world of aftershocks.  Thankfully, it resonated with a person I was failing to describe it in words to, so yay me!  And now, if you will indulge me for a moment to take it a step forward, and discuss what happens after the aftershocks: the formation of my energy cycle.

In the past, I have been with men who sucked the energy out of me.  Thus, my role was an exhausting endeavour to find new sources of energy for myself, so then I can give it to my loved ones.  Obviously this, is not sustainable, especially long term.  It works for a while because I love feeling needed and wanted, but if for whatever reason that wains (which of course it would), well… it’s a disaster.  Now, as much I try to be aware of this negative energy cycle, I must admit that I am attracted to this feeling of being wanted, and thus, it is difficult for me to actually break.  That being said, I think, I may have just found the thing that may once and for all break my determination to fall headfirst into this pattern, and that is in finding someone who creates an energy flow with me.

I’ve felt snippets in the past, but if I am completely honest, they result from sexual energy alone.  If we are having sex with the frequency of rabbits, then it works well.  But, relationships, and life always seem to get in the way of that being sustainable.  So imagine me being completely unprepared for what I have been experiencing over the past little while.  And that my friends is feeling re-filled by a person, and if I am reading things right, him feeling the same.  It’s like we complete each other? 

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I don’t know if I am getting ahead of myself, and describing something that is more NRE (new relationship energy) rather than something far more.  But this does have all the telltale signals that it’s more than just the new.  We have been friends for many years.  We can talk about pretty much anything and everything.  We enjoy each other’s company.  We both think the world of each other, and can clearly express that.  Oh and the sex is amazing.  We have an intimate chemistry that just seems to work on a level beyond words or direction. That being said, when direction is given it is understood and taken to the absolute next level with enthusiastic gusto. 

Ooph!  I’m a puddle just thinking about that.  Anyways, back on track.  Wait… was there a track?  Or is this it.  Finding an energy loop that works for two people?  With little bolts of aftershocks to fuel you for the moments you are apart?  Is this what people are looking for?  Or the lucky ones having already found?  If this is the relationship secret, then, I am all aboard.  Of course, nothing is perfect, or without problems.  For us, it will be time and space.  Oh, and being very different people, who are inherently stubborn fools.  But… there is something here worth exploring.  Worth every single fantasy.  And absolutely worth the effort on both our parts. 

If I am jumping the gun, and putting this out into the world prematurely, then so be it. I am feeling these intense feelings right now, and they are valid.  Right or wrong, or even if they are felt as strongly by the other side really doesn’t change my excitement, or feeling of sheer bliss right now. And with that, I have started an energy cycle that I hope remains my norm for years to come. Breaking away from being the relationship battery if you will.

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