Quantity vs Quality: The Orgasm

No clever introductions on this post, I am just going to jump right into the topic at hand, which is quantity versus quality of an orgasm.  In the past, I was with a partner for a long period of time and sex was not amazing.  It was good, yet there was something off about it, and I felt awkward even mentioning what that was to my close friends.  Years later, I can finally admit the problem, and that was the simple fact that quantity took more importance over quality.  How can one possibly be taken seriously when their main complaint of their sex life is that they are having too many orgasms?  From experience, you can’t.  Nothing about that statement allows for a conversation, an explanation or even a tiny little morsel of sympathy.  In fact, you get glares, and then the one ups begin.  “You think that’s a problem, try not getting laid at all”, or “what I would kill to just get one, so don’t complain about too many to me”.
In fairness, I was most likely not explaining clearly what the issue with this really was.  Partially because no one stuck around long enough for me to verbally work out the rationale behind the complaint.  I tried to start with, “what I wouldn’t give for a quickie” or variations of the same thinking process.  Though this would not have solved the problem, as orgasms were simply a means to an end, and I will now admit, it was a competition.  The two of us, would try to find ways for me to reach the O into the high 20’s.  The goal for me, to one day pass out, not be able to walk, and that sort of thing.  Sex was in fact a game.  And the sad reality, is that people get bored of games.  It is one thing to entertain into a friendly competition from time to time, but we are talking years of this.  Year with no inventiveness, no attention to detail, and absolutely no variety.  It was the tried and true method, then keep that going for as long as possible, as the high score wins.
Of course there is a biological basis for this phenomenon.  Men are hardwired to want sex in higher quantities to increase their rate of reproductive chances and therefore the survival of their very genes.  Woman on the other hand are hardwired to be choosy, as the cost of reproduction is much higher.  For example the energy it takes for a man to reproduce is very small, a one time shot.  Whereas, for a woman to reproduce, she must be able to carry the fetus for 9 months, sharing her resources, and continue to do so beyond that, into the infancy stage.   By sheer numbers alone, a man can have thousands of children, and the max number a female has ever reproduced was 69.  Men choose quantity, and woman choose quality.  And unfortunately the studies to show why men orgasm once, versus woman having the potential for multiple O’s are not conclusive by any measure, although I think the parallels between burden of procreation versus pleasure paint their own picture.
From this, I have deduced that quality overtakes quantity any day.  Perhaps it was my young age that thought having tonnes of orgasms was more important, and more impressive than just having amazing sex.  Perhaps having an affinity for numbers, being able to quantify was easier than saying I needed something different, that more meaningful feeling.  To be able to cum without aiming for a record, and instead having them with more intensity, variety, and passion seems quite satisfying.  As I get older, passion is a word that I can connect with more and more.  It is the ultimate level of satisfaction, that place where nothing gets in the way for a few moments.  Raw, emotional, and memory making tied up in a pretty little bow.  The quest for quality and passion, never to allow numbers to get in the way again is my own, and it was a strange realization to have so many years after the fact.
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Something About Ducks

I was having a discussion a few weeks ago with a family member and as often happens with me the conversation turned towards sex.  For whatever reason this happened, I was surprised to learn this particular persons views on monogamy and how he feels that humans were not designed to be monogamous creatures.  I wholeheartedly agreed and we started discussing our dear examples in the animal kingdom.  He was surprised to learn how much research has been done to prove conclusively that very few previously suspected animals actually formed lifelong pair bonds.  For the most part living as a monogamous couple actually hinders an animals potential to survive and reproduce.  The chances of procreation are significantly higher with multiple partners and numerous matings.

Then we have the example of the ducks, ducks make terrible lovers. In fact, ducks routinely exhibit actual forceful mating rituals that would be characteristically referred to as rape, sometimes even gang bangs.  Yes it is true that the male of the species forces themselves onto the female in order to reproduce.  The males are not choosy, rather opportunistic and forceful.  Mother nature is clever though, and the female, although weak in comparison to the male has a little trick up her skirt.  The drakes penis is in the shape of a corkscrew.  Thus the female duck has evolved a corkscrew pathway towards fertilization, and it is counterclockwise to the drakes.  Thus forceful mating will not result in fertilization as the pathways do not line up.  If the female duck is willing she will relax her coil and increase the chances for procreation.

So with examples like this in the animal kingdom, why for so long have people relied upon the monogamous penguin, or the pigeon to propagate why humans should practice monogamy?  We cannot pick and choose which animals to mould our relationships or bondings after.  We need to realize that there is an abundance of variety in the animal kingdom and thus the same within our species.  As more studies are published we see penguins have been found to not only be monogamous, but sometimes homosexually monogamous.  So even variation exists among the monogamous species.  And the moral of the story?  Sometimes looking to the animals is not always the best way explain our human sexual desires or relationship groups unless you are planning to use it as an example of variation and unlimited possibilities.

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What’s in a Name: Offspring Questions for an Open Relationship

Our world is constantly changing, the lines of social norms are constantly being blurred and challenged be it by globalization or simply an individuals need and access for knowledge.  Because of this we see titles and perception being challenged on a daily basis.  For example an article recently came out regarding “The Rise of the Three Parent Family” whereby it discusses the increase in conception involving more than just the previously required male and female.  Thanks to science a woman can use a viable donor egg and insert her own genetic material paired with her partners sperm in order to fertilize an egg.  This is just a small example but it begs the question that we may soon need to challenge the word parent as it is evidently too small a word when we are dealing with blended and divorced families on such a regular rate.

I myself have struggled with what I should call my step dad throughout my adult life.  And introducing him to new people is always a bit of a roadblock to me as I have never felt that calling him my step dad even begins to cover the role he plays in my life.  Stepdad for many has a negative connotation as does stepmom, and I am hopeful that over time this begins to diminish, in the interim however the challenge still remains.  Our terms for family are often shortsighted, and include blood relatives only but I think it’s safe to say that each of us has a non blood person in our lives who is more family than even our  closest kin. 

This brings me round to my point in that, if I am striving to explore the possibilities of an open relationship where would that put my current family and my future offspring.   And what names would they use to call their family and what social pressures would they face for being raised in household that is outside of the norm.  I know I cannot plan for everything, but these are questions that I need to ask and answer before I settle down in my not so settled lifestyle. 

There was a blog that I used to follow and the woman was poly, going through a divorce and unfortunately lost her children to her ex husband as a result of her lifestyle.  You my readers, may have your own opinions about whether this was just or fair, but in the long run it always boils down to what is best for the children.  Social stigma about what’s legal and ethical may need to be re-evaluated as I know a lot of children who have been much worse off for the courts choosing one parent over the other to live with just because of the misconception that the mother is 90% of the time the best choice. 

There are risks involved in anything, but I think the pursuit of raising the best possible offspring should not be a high risk endeavor.  It should be one of love, financial stability and a long term agreement about how the children are to be raised and what values are most important to the parents.

Male and Female Reproductive Goals AKA Their Boxes

In primates, survival of the species depends on the female having access to food and the males having access to females. In other words, a male chasing tail is the only way to ensure that he will be able to procreate. Whereas the females chase nutrition in order to not only to survive but to give nutrients to their offspring as the “tail” comes right to them. Now enter humans with our cognitive ability, those pesky emotions, complex thought processes and interpretive skills. The natural order of things in Canada and the USA has females making up 51% of the population, giving the males plenty to choose from.
Let us consider the mountain gorillas for a moment as a case study in regards to their mating effectiveness. The males have an opportunity of creating 0 – 35 offspring in their lifespan, whereas females have the potential of a 5-8 offspring range. Males can mate and walk away, but for females, reproducing takes a huge toll on the body and energy levels. So the goal of the male universally is to mate as often as possible and for females it’s more or less quality over quantity to ensure overall survival. It’s interesting to note here too that the females are the concerned one when it comes to incestual mating and of little or no concern to the male. Food for thought! Thus our society evolved and developed social norms and constraints to aid in the evolutionary balance. Thereby trying to prevent men from running amuck, also giving females support financially and socially. 
There is a really interesting society that I am linking here, where it seems the development was geared more towards a natural evolution versus an intellectual evolution. And by that I mean the females have support of family to raise their children, thus they evolved with a lot more parallels to primate social and mating systems than typical other societies found around the world, article here. It is an incredible read and challenges the brain to imagine a completely out of the box way of looking at our system for rearing children. And that is really what it is all about isn’t it? Trying to look outside the box of social systems that many of us don’t even feel like we are in? Well until that box gets wet and we need to find a way to dry it or move. Charming little visual eh? So do you want to stay in your box or explore the possibilities of different shapes, and sizes? Perhaps even create a box all of your own?