Rules Archives | Breaking Away from Monogamy

Welcome back to Swingers Rules and Why I am an Outlier. And if you missed Part I and need a list of rules I am discussing, here is a handy little link.

In the swinger community not only is drama bad, but all emotions are frowned upon. If you develop any sort of feelings you must end things with that partner and move on. To me, this reads like immature men created a rule so that they could ensure their wives wouldn’t leave them. Or to hide behind this mantra and fake ignorance if they were ever caught having sex outside of a club setting. “I swear baby, she meant nothing, it was just sex”. I don’t buy it, and I hope no one in my community plays into this antiquated way of thinking either. Feelings are natural, and to end things because you cannot control or compartmentalize or simple enjoy them in the moments and beyond is close minded. It is a mentality of the swinger world I want nothing to do with.

Are swingers really still this close minded you may ask? Only 2 weeks ago I saw a person ask on a popular swingers forum about the protocol with this rule, because she was getting butterflies for a new play partner, and thinking about them outside of the club. The unanimous response from our swinging overlords was that the “feelings be immediately shut down. There are NO feelings allowed in swinging. If you have feelings then end things, move on to someone else. This is a place for the physical only. We are not whole human beings when it comes to play time. We are objects of pleasure and only pleasure.” Ok, so I started paraphrasing towards the end there, but it was based off of nearly 25 respondents. All shouting wildy that she was breaking a cardinal rule and needed to re-evaluate her wants and needs. This was supposed to be a safe place for sex, not a breeding ground for feelings or emotions. Yeah, see, this just will never be my bag baby. I am much more sexual and expressive with someone I get to know, than I ever could be with a stranger. I cannot just turn things off in order to turn things on. And I don’t feel alone here. Things are changing. Feelings aren’t bad and shouldn’t make me an outsider or a bad swinger. But in this pretentious world of rules, they do.

And the last bone of contention is the never make swingers out of friends rule. Obviously vanilla people (as the term goes) would most likely be uncomfortable with getting hit on by swingers with no warning. I get that. However, I have had success with making partners out of friends. And I believe that I surround myself with people who have an emotional IQ that would allow them to be flattered and politely reject my advances rather than blow the friendship up right there and then. Now I am not saying I have ever approached a vanilla couple with my partner, but the taboo exists. I think if we met the right couple I would have no issue with at least playing with the idea. Are we not all adults who can handle a little flirtation and fantasy now and then? Or is the goal to have strict division between all your social interactions? Boring! Make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends the forums shout, again and again and again.

I know I am outlier because I do not believe that rules of swingers have ethical non-monogamy at heart. They were created in a time and place where anonymity was more important than the consent and safety of its members. If the rules were made to keep people anonymous and safe, why then do so many feel like outsiders looking in. Or fear the public shaming and pain if they break any of these cardinal laws. The rules do not work for me or my lifestyle or even my core beliefs of how to interact with my current and potential partners. These rules currently in place need to be left behind. To become relics of the swinging past they were created for. They create boundaries and hinder the natural course of getting to know people and do nothing to promote the fun and safety that I seek. But I believe I am part of a growing number of couples, dissatisfied with the current standard and ready to breath new life into a community that has so much potential. Stay tuned for the Next Generation of Swingers…

In general, social groups are comprised of like minded individuals who come together for a commonality. There are those who create a generalized norm, follow the mean, and then we have the outliers. In the world of non-monogamy I have often felt like the later. Part of the reason of course is that I don’t particularly like rules or being told what to do, and the other part is that I constantly evolve my thinking based on new experiences and education. When it comes to the term swinger, I feel more like an outsider than in any other branch. And yet, I attend swingers parties once a month, frequent clubs, whereby I have an incredible time, and it should be said, have met the most like minded connections. However this may be an anomaly as I will soon point out due to the strict nature of the puritan swinger.

The following list of rules, is based on my own experiences, and those of current online forums. This is not a complete list of course, simply the ones that best express my views on feeling like an outlier.
1)Never make swingers out of friends.

2)If you develop feelings for any of your play partners you must end things immediately.

3)Leave all drama at the door.

4)Do not ever gossip about other swingers.

Rules are made to protect the society you are a part of, and swinging is no exception. There is a lot going on so hard and fast rules do more good than harm or do they. I am beginning to think that these rules were designed for a generation with whom have had their day in the sun and have actually run their course. A generation that was used to hiding, and keeping their sexual exploration in complete isolation of their day to day lives. Or had simply no network of support with which to embrace a swinging sexuality and a normal 9 – 5. We call it the swinging 60’s in retrospect, and yet, very few were public about their lifestyle. We assume “everyone did it” and yet we don’t know anyone who actually is brave enough to admit it.

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Let’s assess these rules in reverse order for a little fun. Do not gossip about other swingers is fairly straight forward and seems reasonable. However if perchance you run into a couple who is belligerent or abusive towards you or your partner, guess what? You get shunned if you say anything or tell anyone. Why? Because anonymity is more paramount than safety. Yes, you heard right. If anything goes amuck your responsibility is to keep your mouth shut and quietly move onto someone else. I think we can all agree that mindset needs to change. We should be mature enough to make our own decisions based on all the information given to us. To give people chances where due, and to say no, whenever we feel that someone crossed a line. There are so many non-monogamous folks out there now, that this fear you will have no one to play with ever, should not take priority over warning your partners of someone who in your opinion is toxic. While the word gossip itself is bad, in umbrellas every single negative word you may voice over someone else in your community. We need to extend love and support if someone has been wronged and not ostracize as is the current model.

Next up, leave all drama at the door. Our members only house party has this rule. And within a house party, or club setting I have absolutely no issues with it. However this rule extends far beyond the social setting. If let’s say a couple is having issue with jealousy or any other emotion that may hinder their libido the first thing a swinger will say is “this is a drama free environment, so clearly you are not ready to swing if you cannot deal with this issue”. In my world, I strive to surround myself with a loving and supportive network. A place where I can discuss my issues, or tribulations within the lifestyle, and not have to hide it for fear of breaking the rules. While drama is not much fun in a public setting, why should couples have to put everything on hold and recluse until they figure things out? With all these amazing, well put together couples, you would think we would be more open to helping and sharing our successes rather than shutting out those that make poke holes in our obvious facade.

On a side note, it is interesting to me, that our (being swingers) resources are long lists of “read my mistakes and learn so you don’t have to”. Rather than providing help, advice and compassion to get over the rough stuff we dismiss the opportunity to share strengths alongside weaknesses. The reality of a drama free rule is simply that we are free of drama in the here and now, in the current moment and that seems to be all that is necessary to engage in group or partnered sex. And that seeking advice or help is dismissed as you are simply not in the right head space or emotional state to swing. Obviously I think we can do better.

So with those first two (or last two as it were) addressed please stay tuned for part II.