Ok, let us delve a little deeper into this whole aftershock conversation. One of the most surprising things to be brought up, is the correlation between aftershocks and NRE (new relationship energy). Now this is a fascinating rabbit hole that I am eager to go down. I personally have always equated NRE with the butterflies and have written a few articles on how I adore chasing butterflies. In fact, that is precisely what made non-monogamy so appealing to me. The idea of being in a solid relationship and not having to shut off the possibilities of experiencing butterflies with new people.
But what if what I was describing with sexual aftershocks has some sort of correlation with NRE? Butterflies and NRE for me, have been this sheer blissful, shocking, happiness wave of new excitement. Whereas with the aftershocks, it is entirely sexual in nature and is basically like little reminiscent orgasms when I experience a memory. And the memory could be as far back as with my first relationship, or first time masturbating with a new toy, or the like. They are random and unexpected body sparking orgasmic memories. And yes, often it overlaps with NRE, or the butterflies, but I’m not positive that this is a correlation vs causation scenario. It feels different to me somehow.
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I get the butterfly feeling when I flirt, or see a cute face (or butt). But, cannot get that aftershock feeling unless there has been a physical connection. It’s like the release of stored or shared energy. Haha… I’m really trying to explain this, and all I am doing is turning myself on! I of course, want everything. The sex, the aftershocks, the butterflies, and the NRE. Yes, please universe, yes please!
Now, these are only my thoughts, based on my experience. Maybe I’m overlooking something. I really want to hear from you, and your thoughts. Where do you fall on this? Have you had aftershocks? What is the experience like for you? Do you know any resources that discuss this? Let’s talk about this!
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There is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation with a metamorph. This beautiful woman is a rare anomaly that has the ability to perfectly match and imprint with her partner. When that happens she becomes his perfect match, in every single way, basically living for him. I’ve been thinking a lot of that episode as I am going through this period of transition. I was forced to find myself while still living with an ex. Thanks a lot Covid, depression, illness, and of course financial woes. The last few years have been a lot, and while I tried earnestly to just make the situation work, the reality was, I just had nothing left to give. And in that drained state of being this idea of a metamorph kept creeping in. Who am I? What do I love to do? What are my sexual preferences? Oh, aftershocks, (which I will explain shortly)!
I have written a few articles about being gender and relationship fluid. I love exploring that side of me, however, it has been a real challenge to accomplish without the full support of a partner. It is difficult for me to just let go with strangers. I need that safety. That intense, passionate person by my side who I can be myself with, and explore all the little dark sides of my personality with. Picture “I want to be evil” as my soundtrack as I write this out.
It seems to me, that being friends with a potential lover, before jumping into the sack with them, and showing intimacy is the only way that I can ensure that I don’t fall into the metamorph trappings. And I am terrified to admit, that I have actually been exploring that with a human being, and well, the feelings are more intense than I was expecting. Not the whole falling in love thing (although I could see that happening). It is more, the intense aftershocks I feel when we are apart. This is difficult to explain, but I am going to try simply because I want to open some dialogue, to see if others experience this, or know what this is.
So, imagine you are intimate with someone. You have an experience or a moment that is unique to the situation. A touch, a phrase is said, a special embrace, or a new sexual experience. In the moment everything is amazing, and hot as fuck. Sexual satisfaction all around. OK. Now here is the aftershock part as best I can describe.
At various moments over the next few days, my mind will wander, as it does, and I will remember the moment his hand touched my thigh for the first time. What follows for me is a flushed face, a gasp of breath, and the actual feeling of electricity bolting throughout my body. I will think about that whisper in my ear about him cumming, and boom, I am thrown back into this orgasmic lightning bolt of a moment again. And then I remember the feeling of just being held in his arms, and it’s the same. Words, sensations, visuals, they all can offer this aftershock. And the experience of memory isn’t something that my friends can relate to. Maybe it’s because I have troubles articulating it in words, because often when I try, I just blush and get tongue tied. And if do dare to imagine, just typing this out, I am a complete puddle. It’s as if my memories control my orgasms for a brief but intense moment. Does that make any sense? Did I type that correctly? Please know, I am trying… for science!
Now here is the one thing I’ve noticed, I cannot relive the same memory with the same intensity. It has to be new ones, and when I try to replay a memory that I know I got that after effect release from, the feelings it arouses are muted down, and often times, non existant. And I suspect, this is why I have always been so eager to explore new situations when it comes to sex. That desire to have these aftershocks in my life forever would be my absolute bliss. But… I have to be very careful that they are my experiences. They have to be organic. What I mean by that is, I am susceptible to being an enigma who just follows her partner around. And I do find that hot as well, just with a different level of intensity. I love pleasing people, and I cannot shut that empathetic part of my being off. So, on the idea of falling into the metamorph role, I can do that, but I think I prefer aftershocks? Maybe? Oh that game of balance and life eh? Clearly I need to do a whole lot more exploration on the subject, right?
So, in closing, who else has experienced aftershocks? Is this a thing? Do you have metamorph experience? Do you enjoy just being someone’s perfect lover? Let’s talk about it! I might do a little behind the scenes photo shoot for my Patreon subscribers if we get some good dialogue going… Maybe 😉
I have reached a strange point in my finding new people path, in which, I need to accept that we all have pasts and perhaps even a skeleton or two. I have been in my head for so long, fearful, that I would be judged for having a non-monogamous past, that I forgot something simple, others have lived experiences too that may be different from mine. Writing those words down, it seems so clear, and rational. Of course, other people have pasts, and of course there might be some adjusting I need to do to get to know them. And this, is the key point that honestly has been holding me back, and I needed to understand, we need to accept our past.
Thank goodness for the calmness I find in yoga and stretching or I might not have got here. Well, and also the rational and brutally honest voice of one of my dearest friends, who manages to amaze me with her frank cutting through of all the BS that clouds my judgment. And while I don’t ever recall having this precise conversation with her, I do know what she would say to me, if I vocalized that I was worried about my past in her. Her response would be curt, and so full of love and wisdom, the perfect balance to have in a friend. Haha. Ultimately, she would look at this post, and just roll her eyes, that this wasn’t just obvious to me. Of course, I am not the only one on the planet going into new relationships with baggage or things from my past.
And well, she’s completely right, or would be if I dared ask her, but it was difficult to see. I spend so much time writing about this big thing, (to me), and it’s hard not to go into the real world and feel that someone out there will think it is too big for them. And of course, that means they are not the right human for me. In the here and now though, it can feel like a barrier. Something insurmountable, and somehow makes me unlovable. Can you build trust with someone who had a sexually non-monogamous past? The Dirty Stigma around Non-Monogamy is a whole other box to unpack.
I made a huge mistake earlier in the year by not telling a person I was interested in about the topic of my would be book, and blog. And it ate me up inside. It was the exact scenario whereby I kept meaning to tell him, and then, I just wouldn’t and more days would go by. To be fair, neither of us talked about our pasts. We were very much experiencing life in the present, with zero talk of future. However, the feeling was uncomfortable and not one that I want to repeat. And thus, here I am trying to do better, and be less fearful of my past relationship department. And the best advice I can give myself, is to put myself in their shoes, and realize they have a past too. Now… onto the next puzzle, and that is finding a person who wants to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Ooph!
Thank you to everyone who has bought me a beer this year! I have some very fun photos planned for December on my IG and Patreon…. so stay tuned!
My last piece was a birthday blog, with my hopes and aspirations for what I hope to find, and embrace in my 38th year of life. If you have been reading my work for any length of time, you might have noticed that as I get older, my birthdays are becoming less gut wrenching. I think part of the reason for that is, I am finally living my best life that I possibly can. Sure things aren’t perfect, and my dreams remind me each night that all I really want is something to naked cuddle with at night, and wake up excited to learn more about in the mornings. Oh, and of course, someone who wants the exact same from me! But… there is an added element that try as I might, I just don’t know how to broach. Perhaps because men disappear before we even get that far? Ooph, OK, back on track here, bringing up being sex positive with a new person, and it is not going well, but… I keep trying!
Imagine for a moment that you are on a date with a person that you know almost nothing about. You sip your wine, laugh nervously, and talk about what you have in common. You are sharing experiences in those precious few moments that will shape the foundation of where this chance encounter might go. Statically speaking the likelihood of going past a few dates is incredibly low, but, you feel a spark and decide that you want to keep seeing this person. Cool, they want to see you back, all is great. Now, at this point you start talking about your passions and what really fuels you as a human. In my case, it is relationships, sex, and exploring everything intimate that connects our fellow human being. Oh, and by the way, I post sexy photos online, and oh yeah right, I’ve been writing about my non-monogamous experiences for over a decade. Oh… wait I forgot, I am actually working on my second draft of my first memoir of said relationship.
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Yeah… so… that’s not going well for me. Writing about sex is still taboo. Men, don’t want to bring me home to meet their families. I am not motherhood material. And yeah, they figure I am a goddess in the bedroom so they can put in zero effort where that is concerned, and then just never call again. Or, they want me to analyze their sexual past over a beer, in public, for free.
I’m not saying I would change a moment of who I am, or what I am passionate about. And yes, someday the right man will come along who understands, accepts, and is not threatened by my past or present. But hot damn I am tired. So, so tired. And I shouldn’t have to change or hide my past in order to have a future with someone, should I? I overcome hurdles every single day. I challenge myself, and others to think, be more compassionate and embrace a sex positive world. And at the end of it all, I just want someone warm to snuggle with, who loves me, understands me, and allows me to be me. I am a unique flamingo, looking for love, while embracing a sex positive future. Deep breaths, just keep going.
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Last year I wrote an article for Medium, with regards to this pervasive myth that it’s easier for woman to write about sex than men, and if you haven’t already, I do hope you give it a read for a little extra context for what I want to rant a bit about on here. And perhaps, I will be able to formulate these rants into a more cohesive article for medium. But, for the time being, I want to address this hypocritical murmur I am hearing with regards to my boob forward images, and my hard stance against sexism and harassment. I am body and sex positive, and no that does not mean that I or anyone else who creates content, is therefor open to sexism or harassment. And the irony is not lost on me that I am writing this rant only a week after boldly re-claiming my power, but I guess, my boldness adds fodder to the trolls and hypocrite criers. Ugh.
When I post boobs and beer on Instagram, that is my celebration of two things I love. And when I post bonus content on my Patreon (for a small subscription or one time fee) it is because, I deserve to get a little kickback for all the free content I put out there. Plain and simple. And yeah, admitting that I deserve a little money for what I do, is a tough thing to write down, and own. Phew, glad I got that out of the way. And now onto the hypocrisy of it all.
One of the little notes I sent myself when mulling over how I wanted boobs, beer, and vinyl to look and feel was “Sex and nudity should be normalized, fun, and playful”. And yes, I send a lot of little notes to myself in between writing sessions. The thing about this one is, it is important to me that my images not just be sexy, shot in the best lighting ever, or even filtered. Why? Because real, and raw is who I am, with an element of playful and random. That to me, is the key to embracing body positivity and normalizing nudity and the enjoyment of the naked body. Of course with IG, nudity of any sort is forbidden, so I have to work within the parameters of their platform. Which is perfectly fine with me, and presents a fun little challenge of riding that fine line.
But there are a few things I need to get right out there in the open. There is nothing hypocritical about my strong stance against sexism and my fun desire to be sexy and playful with my photographs and selfies. If you, have ever thought that I bring on the harassment and abuse myself due to my content that I put out into the world, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! Let me be very clear, we cannot become a sex positive culture if we shame people for putting out content that is sexual or suggestive in nature. As I wrote in my Medium article, it is not easy putting intimate content out for public consumption. Trolls are the worst, and stalkers, are real. I have feared for my safety a number of times over the years, and even changed my nudity policy for my blog articles (if you’re a regular reader, I know you’re sick of me writing that down, but it still irks me that I had to do that).
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I have tried to understand the correlation between writing the word sex and getting trolled. I just don’t understand. Why when people read the phrase sex positive do they short circuit and assume that I’m down to fuck or that I want to talk about sex and my personal life with strangers? I call it trolling simply because it’s something that rational people in the real world would never do. Anonymity creates a seemingly safe space for creeps. And I put content out, in a lot of places, thus there is a never ending stream of violations towards my privacy, sanity, and sexual well being. And no, it should not be this way, nor should I simply accept the fact because I write or photograph “sex” themed content at times. And yet, in the real world, actual acquaintances of mine believe that this is par for the course and I bring this on myself. Ugh! But I don’t do this simply for attention, and definitely not for the money. I do this because it’s what I want to write about, what I am passionate about photographing, and what fuels me.
And there is another element to this, a much more personal one. Yesterday, I was in a terrible mood, and you know what made me cheer up? Taking the time to grab a beer, put on a silly bikini to match a vinyl cover, and plan a little photo shoot in my living room. I got my brain to think about something fun, had tunes going, and cracked a beer. Doing this little selfie absolutely got me out of my head, and brought some playfulness from my living room, and after I shared with those on my social media. It was truly a mental boost for me. And how in the world can that be wrong?
So, if you are one of those in the background thinking that I bring on harassment or sexism myself, it is time to look in the mirror and reflect on why you hold onto those misguided values. I dress for my own pleasure, and I take photos to bring me joy. If you in turn believe that I deserve my trolls, or it should be expected in today’s day and age, please let me know, and I will provide you with some amazing resources to help shake you out of that frame of mind. Putting myself out there is rarely easy. It is often uncomfortable, and hot damn do I wish some days that people would appreciate the work and pay me fairly for it. With that all aside, I more often than not, understand that what I do is important. And that there is value in what I put out there, and I remain hopeful that one day the effort will pay off. Or at the very least, I can stop ranting about all those who call me a hypocrite.
Challenge Time: I want each of you to give a shout-out to someone who embodies a sex positive trait that you admire, or someone you admire for the content they create! Comment on this post, Twitter, Facebook, or wherever you read this blog!