Category: Sex Positive

Breaking Free of Always Being “Sexy”

    K Ghislaine

What a strange title, and yet, here I am using it anyways. The other day, my boyfriend casually mentioned how we were going to grow old together. It wasn’t the first time that he has shared this sentiment, and I chided him by saying that I bet he has said that to all his girlfriends. He stopped everything, and looked at me, saying with 100% certainty that he has never said that before. It was in that moment of sincerity that I too, felt the overwhelming power of who we are together, and the future that we are both working so hard to achieve. Well, and of course in also enjoying as much of the present that we possibly can.

He believes that I am the first person he’s truly wanted to grow old with. And I realized that he is the only man I have been with who wants the future me, as well as the present me. How insane is that, considering I was actually engaged to a man, and had never felt the truth of this statement before. In my past relationships, I have been with men, who wanted to preserve me, to maintain my current looks, weight, and sex appeal. I was someone who was there for the moment, so long as I was my sexy self. What a fucking joke of a statement to write. And yet, that’s the truth of it.

My ex fiancé, did not want me walking around the house naked, because he didn’t want to get sick or bored of seeing me naked. My next long term boyfriend, very early on told me that he had broken up with a girl because she put on too much weight. And there as conversation about him telling a woman he hooked up with, that if she enjoyed him going down on her, she would make sure the next time she was better groomed. There was no mistaking why I was being told these stories. And I took these warnings seriously. Not seriously enough to pack my bags and go find a man who deserved me. But serious enough to stay, and ensure that I took the best care of my image, with the right amount of clothing.

Two relationships, with two very different men, and the commonality, was that I put my sex appeal first and foremost. Either by preservation, or by carefully maintaining my body image. I wrote a few years back about Being Comfortable Naked and it actually makes me a little uncomfortable looking back at my headspace when writing that. Why did it take being around a group of naked, sexy people, for me to embrace my body? Why didn’t this happen in the embrace of the man I was with and supposedly loved?

Today, I feel cherished, loved, and sexy. But I am no longer sexy in the way that turns heads when walking down the street. I have broken away from trying to maintain that side of me. Sure, getting older plays a role in having to accept that I no longer fit into my size zero jeans, with a flat firm tummy. But far more than that, is what I have at home. A man, with whom adores me, and makes me feel like the sexiest woman he’s ever seen, almost every single day! Having that man think I am sexy, is the best feeling in the world. Slowly I am learning to trust the look on his face, instead of the harsh critic that meets me in the mirror. The one that says I am getting too old, putting on too much weight, and have far too much sagging skin. That critic exists, but grow quieter each day, which is great timing because getting younger is not a reality.

I get to grow old with someone who wants to be with me for the adventure. And to anyone reading this, I wish the same for you. If you already know that feeling, tell your partner just once more. And if you’re not there yet, don’t lose hope, it is out there somewhere, and I hope you find each other soon.

Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing this post. And of course a humble thank you to all who subscribe on my Patreon.

Reminding Myself to Choose Happiness

    K Ghislaine

I recently wrote a post on Medium about Falling in Love with a Narcissist, and no, it was not about my current relationship. After I wrote it, I felt this deep sense of uncertainty, which is odd. Normally when I write to the heart of an issue I feel like a weight is lifted. I walked away from the keyboard, and just felt numb. And then, I realized, I had been feeling numb for a long time. A few month ago, I became irritated with myself for being so vulnerable, and decided that I needed to toughen up. It’s a pattern I go through, be soft and fuzzy, then shut that down when it becomes too much.

This teeter-totter is just who I am. That being said, finding myself in a state of numbness is not ever my end goal. And so, here I am, reminding myself that I need to choose happiness… again! Life will never not be complicated, and I currently have the strongest support system that I have ever had. Being grateful is a choice, and so is being happy. I have the power to choose I real emotion that adds value, and I do not have to shut off my emotions. LOUDER for the voice inside my head telling me I need to be strong!

I could blame the people of my past for forcing me to be strong. For telling me I was only loveable when I was confident, and for trying to police the emotional swing that is quite frankly a natural part of being a woman. We have a cycle. It comes with hormones. This is reality! And I am speaking up, that this does not make me weak, as I once believed. Oh what a fool I was. So many thoughts flash through my mind, as tears well up. I’ll save unpacking how this affected my libido for another time. Because ooph, that’s just something I am not quite ready to touch.

But back to choosing happiness. This month I wrote on whiteboard a phrase that seems kind of silly, but, I think that’s why it has been helping: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. When I was a child it referenced a game whereby you chanted this, and then with a group of friends, lifted someone up by fingertips alone. It was a powerful phrase that soon was banned by our parents, for reasons we didn’t understand. Today, I am using it as a mantra to remind myself to be lighter with things like stress, burdens, and the intense pressure I put on myself to succeed. But balanced with being stiff, resolute, and confident, because I am not hollow, or of need to chance who I am. Just to be kind, and reasonable.

Great things are coming, and good things are already here. And no matter how much I bitch and moan, challenge is a part of my life. I need to look past, and choose happiness. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

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What Really Makes “It” Good?

    K Ghislaine

When I got laid for the very first time, it was over so quickly I barely even knew it happened. And the second time it was better, and it evolved over the next 8 years with the same man, ups and downs. Exploration, pleasure, and overall satisfaction. I had nothing to compare our sex life to, and I was getting it very frequently, and I always came, so, I had a good sex life with my first boyfriend.

When things ended and I started dating, I was dumbstruck by how bad sex was in the real world. No one night stand did anything for me and I realized that I needed a personal connection to be satisfied. So, my quest for my next great relationship was on. And my main criterion was that it was “good” sex. When I found it, I stuck with him for nearly a decade! Lust for him, made sex good, and thus, I was having good sex. Until I wasn’t.

After nearly 20 years, primarily with 2 men, it turned out that I had no idea what good sex really was. I had mistaken my ability to orgasm easily for greatness. And by extension I equated a solid relationship with having the best sex life, because orgasms solve everything and make everyone happy. When the frequency of sex decreased, this void appeared before my eyes, and I knew how lost I had become. It was terrifying. My whole identity came into question. This very blog came into question and this imposter syndrome nearly swept me off into the great abyss.

And then, one day, well, one night, everything changed. Yes, I have blogged about this before, so if this part of the story sounds familiar I am sorry. But I think there is lesson here, that I wasn’t quite seeing before so I needed to look at it with a fresh lens, which is this post. When my boyfriend and I, quite literally came together, all the sexual experiences of my past, became hazy and nearly lost their importance. I know, that sounds absurd, especially given some of the passionate experiences I have shared in this blog, but it’s true. When we came together, it blew what I knew about good sex, out of the freaking water.

And here’s the real testament, I have these intense feelings of love, sexuality, and passion outside of the bedroom. These aren’t feelings of just horniness or lust. I finally understand what good sex is. It’s the passion and intimacy that yes, solves problems of the day. But it also, brings two people together, united in intimacy, that extends beyond the bedroom. We support and cherish each other. We hold hands to fall asleep (well, most nights). We kiss each other every time we have been apart, say I love you frequently, and in honest truth, none of these actions are derived from obligation. We want to express these things, and we want the other to be as happy as they make us. It’s a simple formula, and one I discovered completely by accident.

As I begin my dating and relationship coaching business again, there is something I know I cannot teach, and that is, the definition of good sex. I simply cannot even dabble a toe into sex coaching because I learned about it by accident. That’s not a coachable technique, and I admit that it is an area I will stay far away from. Creating safe spaces to talk, I can help. Increasing communication skills, absolutely! Honing in on your evolving wants and needs, I’ve spent over a decade researching, and learning how to do just that. Pick me, pick me! Finding the perfect lover? I’m out. In my mind there is no perfect technique that works every time, and if someone wants to try and teach you that, great, I’m not it.

My incredible sex life is the result of lucking out with the best person for me on the planet, and the gift of physiology beyond anything I can control. There, I said it. I hit the jackpot, and quite honestly I have zero clue how that even happened. In short, my sex life is beyond good, and I still don’t know exactly what makes it good, and that’s OK! Sometimes you don’t question your gifts, you just enjoy them.

For those who want to send a few bucks my way, there are some behind the scenes photos up on my Patreon from this mini photo shoot. Thanks for all the love, support, comments, and pressing the good ole share button.

Love is Love is Love…

    K Ghislaine
A red decorative heart in a plant pot.

As I get further along in the writing of my second book, a reoccurring theme keeps popping up, that love is love. I know it sounds almost simplistic and you are probably nodding your head going, well of course it is. But it’s more than that, it is something that has to mean something that elicits a reaction, that someday will lead to real and radical change. And I don’t mean in a political sense, because the reality is, I have always felt politicians should stay out of my bedroom, especially seeing at their own track records are usually fairly scandalous. Even more-so in the files that are currently being released, but I don’t have to tell any of you that! In a world of social media hype, fear mongering, and the unfathomable times that people are trying to police other peoples bodies, I say proudly, we need more love and less hate.

Yes, it sounds simplistic, and it’s a message that has been spouted time and time again. Songs, chants, protests, poetry, and every type of medium have pondered this word… love. And yet, here we are, hating each other far more than we are loving those around us. The shift is painful, and I can only say from my perspective, it became overwhelming during Covid when we became separated from one another. And while we should have come back to an open society with arms wide open, hugging our friends and loved ones, that didn’t happen. Instead we tip toed back into the world, still fearful, uncertain, and let’s face it, angry.

The thing is these are things we know, we feel, we experience, in some form or another. We know we are angry, disappointed with the news, our leaders, the economy, and just the state of world in general. What we don’t know, is what to do about it. It feels insurmountable. Too many problems, and very few actionable items that will make a meaningful difference. And I’m right there with you. I have a much shorter fuse these days, getting bogged down with the news, and find myself taking more and more breaks from technology. Not because I want to, but because I feel I have to or I’ll scream! And I have been screaming. Here’s the thing though, time and time again the culprit is choosing hate over love. We are trying to control one another, take each other’s power, or climb some invisible ladder whereby person A is better than person B. And that’s a no from me. In a world with love we don’t have hate and judgement in the forefront of our brains.

Here’s a little recent rant I went on:

“When will the hate and judgement end? As a small child, I had hoped that if mixed babies were the norm one day we would all be purple and live in harmony. As an adult, I now know the error of this thinking, and believe a diversity of skin tones, and culture should be embraced and celebrated, not erased! The same is true for gender and relationship norms. Accepting differences is what makes us compassionate, and complete people. My views have grown, and expanded as I became more educated and met more people, really listening to their viewpoints. I hope this for the world. The hate needs to end. And people who hate, or think people are lesser as a result of their gender, age, or skin colour need to be held accountable. It’s not “love thy neighbor”, as there is little challenge loving someone who looks like you. It needs to be love diversity, differences, and the unique! Challenge your thinking and beliefs, especially when they do harm, or put you above someone else. I long for a world where my heart is filled with love, and not breaking for all the hate and intolerance around me. #loveislove” @k-ghislaine.bsky.social

As I research more and more in depth for my next book, the incredible diversity of relationships and mating habits of the animal kingdom, puts me in a state of awe. Diversity can and does strengthen whole populations, and that is what I am learning after I read about animal after animal. Evolution doesn’t stop because we impart our beliefs or biases on it. Life always finds a way, and I hope in some small way, this post is a reminder that we can choose love over hate. We can choose to support each other. We can stop feeding the fear mongering machine and put our dollars into the arts, gardens/nature, and any place that builds community. Money talks, and if we stop watching every single video telling us about all the bad going on, and start connecting in person, at small businesses, mom and pop venues, even just in nature we will be the start of change that will empower, rather than continue to make the rich and powerful, more rich and powerful.

Love is love is love…

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It’s 2026!!!

    K Ghislaine
KGB in a sweater, with her hand in a shhh position over the face.

Ok, so this post is super late coming out, and for that all I can say is whoops! As is often the case with me, there is a lot going on. I am working diligently on my second book, while at the same time getting all my ducks in a row to start offering relationship coaching. Yes, yes… I’m back! Well, almost. As much as I want to get listening, and helping again, I really need to get the biggest chunk of this book completed, and I only have a few weeks left to hit my target timeline. So thank you 2026 for the reminder that time, once again ticks!

While resolutions have never really been my jam, the idea of a refresh with each new year is one that I resonate deeply with. The slow grow of the daylight hours, something so critically important to my mental health, and many of those around me, is one that brings a hopeful tone. And if you read anything towards the end of last year of mine, hope was something that I was lacking. While I would glimpse it for moments, the universe just kept knocking the socks off me, and not in a fun, I’m going to get lucky way. No no, it was a constant barrage of what more can I possibly handle?!?

It turns out, I can handle a lot, well, up until the moment I start my maniacal laugh/cry and well, everyone around me knows that I am done. But, those are the places where you dig even deeper, into pure emptiness and persevere, because there is nothing left to lose. Anyways that was then, and this is now, and the sunshine is slowing becoming more prominent. Sure I have quite a few more cold snaps to experience before I can get back to my happy place of writing in the sunshine, but that’s OK, because you guessed it… hope!

And when hope fails, there is sex, lots and lots of stress relief sex! Haha! Speaking of sex, there is an element of my upcoming coaching business that I am struggling with and that is the reaction to my mission statement including the phrase “sex positive”. You read my work, you know what this means to me, but how will this come across to the public? Will this be misconstrued as I am helping with sex? I know in the past, quite a few guys propositioned me to be the 3rd in their fantasies because I said I was sex positive, as a coach. And well, I don’t know yet the work around.

I’m mulling this over, and writing and re-writing my words as I try and figure out the identity of my business, while also maintaining boundaries, and my integrity. If you are reading this and have ideas, please let me know. Well, unless you are inviting me into your bedroom to “coach” you and your partner, then please, refrain. I have had enough of those propositions for a lifetime! If you’ve ever wondered why I am so great at saying no, this has a lot to do with where I had the most practice!

Anyways, cheers to a hopeful 2026! Thank you for reading, subscribing on Patreon, and sharing my journey.