Swingers: Please Stop Swinging

Until you can again get consent from every person you interact with…

I try not to speak out against people in the swinging community, for one simple reason, I think it is more beneficial to show the good in the community. However, right now there are podcasters, even organizers, and club owners who are basically shining a horrific bright light on the community, and I all I can think is “you do it to yourself!”. It is heartbreaking, because I spend countless hours each week trying to dispel taboo’s, and talk about the great points of non-monogamy. Dispelling myths is absolutely my jam, and while I don’t have a huge reach, I feel that what I do is valuable. But here I am, watching people I follow like @CooperSBeckett and Steak&Tequila speaking up, and I feel compelled to join them, by saying Swingers, stop swinging.

I won’t mince words here with my point. There are swingers right now who are putting their sexual lusts ahead of the good of the community and that makes me sick to the stomach. I am not OK with hotel takeovers during this global pandemic. I am not OK with sex clubs being open, claiming that they are only open to consenting adults who know the risks, because there are just no get out of jail free cards here. I recognize that the club owners need to keep their livelihood, but the cost is just too great here. I have empathy for every small business owner out there, but you cannot put people in harms way for profit. You just can’t, it’s wrong.

I am going stir crazy at home. I hate not being able to go out and meet new people in person like I used to do. I miss dancing, flirting, having sex in front of a group of consenting adults. I hate the isolation, and yeah, my libido feels like a caged animal right now. I even broke my favourite vibrator due to over use. But, my love of my fellow man is more important. These are small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things. 

I’ve said it before, but when you go to a sex party during a pandemic, you are putting the cleaning staff, uber/cab drivers, liquor store clerks, grocery store clerks, and each and everyone of your family members at unnecessary risk. Why? Because you selfishly need to get laid! Often these innocent bystanders are lower income, and don’t have the choice to say no to work. But guess what? You, have the choice to put your sex drive on pause, for the good of others.

There has been such a push for consent, and if you’re a swinger I know you have heard the word. Well, consent isn’t just about sex. Consent is a norm that should be extended to all humans we interact with. And let’s face it, there is no way you are telling your elderly parents that you can’t see them for 14 days because you have to isolate after sex with strangers. There is no way, you are telling your babysitter that you are wearing a mask to drive them home, because you have just had your face in a stranger’s crotch. While swingers are more adept at hiding their lifestyle, if no one is supposed to be going out in groups, you stand out like a sore thumb! Just stop it!

I want to get back out there in 2021. But the more I see about people saying, bring your parties to Florida, we have no restrictions. Or emails saying, the hotel takeover was sold out in record time, and we are looking for a bigger venue. Or advertisements of podcasts driving across the country bringing the parties to you! I am just… tired. So tired. And sexually frustrated, and there is no end in sight.

If you are reading this, and feel it is a stretch and I am drawing ridiculous conclusions, I actually feel very sorry for you. In fact, I think I am under reacting, because the damage you are doing to the integrity of the non-monogamous community is heartbreaking. When this is over, we may have to go back underground, hide in shame, and stop using the word ethical. That crushes my soul. It’s a loss I am not prepared for. So please, cancel your events. Stop taking risks in the name of sex. And follow this simple rule, if you’re not willing to be open and honest in seeking consent when putting anyone into contact with you, you probably shouldn’t do it!

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Random Guy VS Me

AKA Trying to Date While Writing a Blog About Non-Monogamy

Serenity NOW!!!

The following is a real interaction I had with a guy who randomly messaged me on an online dating site, after reading my blog (I assume the title only).  Did I push his buttons a little? Yup. Did I change anything in this conversation? Only the part where I called him out for a mutual hobby of ours (which I did to protect his identity). Why am I sharing a blog post like this? Because I am tired of people not believing me when I say online dating is horrific. And, men want my horror stories all the time, so this will also save me a little breath.

***

Random:

Breaking away from monogamy ? . . . . . Careful that you don’t catch a Sexually Transmitted Disease.

Me:

Cool story bro. Thanks!

Random:

To each his own. . . . I think sex is so much better, and so much more intimate, under a committed exclusive relationship. . . But, to each his own.

Me:

Wow…. again, thanks for the unsolicited opinion!

Random:

Good luck to you.

Me:

Ahhh,… you’re christian. That explains you thinking you are entitled to judge complete strangers who have done NOTHING to you.

Random:

You’re a hypocrite. . . . That is what you are doing. . . I simply stated facts. . . When you have multiple partners who themselves have multiple partners, you are highly likely to contract a Sexually Transmitted Disease . . . . This is a general FACT. . . . .NOT OPINION. . . . Also, sex is a very personal and intimate act. . . . If you are someone who commits that very personal and intimate act with multiple people, it shows that you do not regard sex as a very personal and intimate act, but instead are carelessly feeding your insatiable appetite for lust. . . . It also shows that you don’t know what Love is, and are very likely a cold hearted person who shares her body with anyone.

Me:

I feel so sorry for you and your archaic ideas.

Random:

And yes, I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. . . . Yes, I do believe that He shed His innocent blood for all of humanity, that we all may be saved from our sins, (which include insatiable appetites for porn and sex), and have personal loving relationship with the Creator.

Random:

We’re all going to die sweetie. . . . You’re going to face your Creator one day. . . . I just hope that when that time comes, you’re a believer, that you will face Him as a believer, and not as a condemned sinner. Those men, they don’t love you. . . . They’re just using you.

Me:

Awe… Again, my sympathies. I really do feel sad for you.

Random:

I’ll pray for you. . . . . Be careful. . . . STDs are real.

Me:

Thanks, I can always use a little extra positive energy focused my way!

****

Thank you all for reading my little tale, and for the record, I did block him. So, this will be the end of our interaction. Onwards and upwards to better people and more interesting stories, because my goodness that was a painful one! Now back to the Sex Positive for 31 Days challenge and posting fun content on my Patreon!!!

Challenge Time: Sex Positive For 31 Days!

#SexPositiveFor31Days

When we gathered in May to complete the 30 day sex positive challenge, the focus was self love, learning the word sex positive, and incorporating affirmations and little challenges that could be done around the home. This go around, I want to delve deeper. The aim is for each of us feel like a contributing member of the sex positive community by incorporating daily challenges, answering tough questions, and thinking about what really makes us tick, sexually speaking. If this is your first time playing, feel free to check out #sexpositive30days (on Twitter) to see a glimpse of what you are in for in Octobers sex positive for 31 days challenge.

Where can you find the challenges?

Every morning I will be posting a daily challenge on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Just like last time I will be participating using my own Twitter handle. If you are comfortable sharing your answers, photos, or experiences please use #SexPositiveFor31Days and like or share so others can join in. If you’re not, that’s OK too! There is zero pressure to be public with your sexual experiences.

The Goal

The goal is simple: building the sex positive community, normalizing the word sex, and of course ending the stigma/taboo around being a sexual adult. As with the last challenge, it doesn’t matter what gender you are, what your orientation is, or even if you are single, partnered, or have multiple people in your life… the challenges are open to all of us. We are an inclusive community and talking about being sex positive is open to every adult who chooses to participate.

One important thing to note is this is a challenge. While I want to push myself and those participating outside of the comfort zone, the aim is to never feel silly or anything negative if there is something about sex you don’t know or want to look up! Sex is not stagnant, and being sex positive should feel the same way. Growing, evolving, changing with different partners, moods, or just plain old desire is amazing and valid. Ending the stigma and shame around sex is super important to me, and the driving force of these sex positive challenges. By talking about it, we normalize pleasure, and that is a beautiful thing.

So, if you are ready to be challenged, use the hashtag, like, share, and have fun exploring a sex positive you!

#SexPositiveFor31Days

If you love this challenge and are wondering how to support more sex positive efforts in the future, my Patreon page is always open or check out one of my amazing affiliate banners on my home page.

Bi-Curiosity and My Past Obstacles

Smiling for the future

Last November I finally came to terms in writing (which is a huge deal for me) that I was bi-curious. I nervously admitted to my partner that I was uncertain about just how straight I was, and was ready to start exploring. Well, as it turns out, my timing couldn’t have been worse because low and behold 2020 was right around the corner. I had switched my online dating profiles ready to dip my toes into the dating pool of females, but unfortunately Covid-19 hitting in March, abruptly ended all conversations. As a result I have been left alone with my thoughts, fantasies, and all the insecurities of approaching women forced into the back burner of my mind. Simmering away, I cannot help but lament the fact that it has taken me until my mid-30’s to recognize that my sexuality is likely as fluid as my relationships.

With the inability to move forward I feel like a fraud for thinking and not doing. I don’t want to hurt anyone or use a person for my own exploration. I am nervous to use, and worse, to be used. Isolation has granted me the luxury of getting lost inside my own head, and while it usually gives me great comfort, in this case, I have no frame of reference. I truly feel alone. I long for human contact, for intimacy, and for that intense spark of a budding relationship. But when I awake from the day dream of what if, I am reminded that we are in dark times. I cannot just go out and flirt or mingle like I earnestly desire. And the harsh reality  comes crashing down, that if I did take the risk and put myself out there, I do not know what I want or what I am looking for. This is going to take time, stumbles, and probably a few hurt feeling and bruised egos. I just feel so raw that now may not be the right time. But if not now, when?

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Looking back at how I was raised, it is no secret that I wish that my biological dad had been around more. I recall telling my mom that he took me to a breakfast spot downtown when I was young that had rainbow flags everywhere and no woman’s washroom. I had no idea what any of that meant, but when I told my step dad about the meal he was noticeably uncomfortable. As a staunchly homophobic man, I remember many nights of him accusing me of being a dike, with my short pixie haircut and not boyfriend to speak of. And when I was in university I was still living at home so exploring my sexuality was still out of the question. Plus I met the man I nearly married only a month or so in. So that was that. I was on the path of the straight and narrow, even defiantly so.

I don’t want this to seem like I am making excuses or that I haven’t forgiven my past. But, looking back, I can see why it took me until my mid 30’s to break away from my personal rigidity. While the timing is not quite right to fully put myself out there, I am allowing my fantasies to be a little more fluid. I still don’t know when things will open up, or when I will be able to take these fantasies to the next level, but.. actually I am just going to leave this one there.

A huge thank you to everyone who has kept the beer flowing for me this month! I hope you are all enjoying the thank you photos on my Patreon.

Hookups, FWB, and Non-Monogamy

Hookups, FWB, and Non-monogamy

I posted a rant a while back on the subject of Hookups, Couples, and Swinging, and honestly I thought I did a pretty great of expressing my dislike for the whole hookup culture. However, it turns out, I kinda jumped the gun thinking that I would only ever be dating as a couple…. Whoops! So now that I am putting my feet in the dating pool in a more solo driven capacity, and accepting solo men (Please be terrified for me, because I know I am) I’ve realized online dating and reading comprehension do not go hand in hand. In fact, more often than not the idea that I want a FWB or a hookup because I proudly state I am non-monogamous is a hurdle I keep having to jump. And well, they just don’t give me enough characters in a message to say what I really feel about this… Non-monogamy is not code for hookups or FWB.

Now, I know that the majority of my readers have already been exposed to the word non-monogamy, but if you haven’t, then I am about to blow your mind… the diversity within the word non-monogamous is vast. In fact, I have tried to write about the definitions outside of monogamy so many times, and always come up short. Many call it a spectrum and I urge you to go and look one up if you haven’t already. Suffice it to say, pretty much any relationship outside of monogamy is possible including: polyamory, swinging, triads, FWB, foursomes, don’t ask don’t tell, ethical non-monogamy, and when you factor in all the gender diversity too… well, it turns out that there is no solid assumption you can make when you read someone identifies as non-monogamous.

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And honestly, that is one of my favorite things about being non-monogamous, the freedom to choose. The freedom over my body, my relationships, and sex life is pretty damn empowering. That I can love someone with all my heart, and still be able to explore things I am interested in sexually and emotionally. Ok, I know you have all read my little anthem before. I love being non-monogamous. What I don’t love is being told that I am only looking for hookups. Or that I am only worthy of a FWB. Or that I am a slut or I am unable to settle down, by extension that something must be wrong with me. Or that I my sex life is unfulfilling. (Again, people I haven’t even met have dared to say each and everyone of these things to me on various online dating sites).

 My optimistic nature thought, and still tries to be hopeful in the idea that new people would get excited about my relationship fluidity. If someone is amazing, I will make an effort to fit them into my life. It could be a hook-up once a year, or something more ongoing. It could be a full-on relationship where we go out on dates, plan a future, and grow to love each other. It could be physical, emotional, flirty, honestly it depends on our chemistry and timing and all those wonderful factors that come into play. I am open to the possibilities and don’t want to pigeon hole myself into some ideal that won’t make sense long term.

Sex is important to me. And yes, I want to get laid as often as possible. But if all you are offering me is that? Well, I am going to hold out for someone who actually wants to get to know me, and not just my body, because right now… that is what I am looking for. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time: my body, my heart, my choice!

To all of you buying me beer or coffee on Patreon… thank you! Your generosity, no matter how small helps fuel my blog and writing endeavours and I am forever grateful!