A Few Stumbles Loving Myself

As I continue the uphill battle of falling back in love with myself, I have to keep reminding myself that the only certainty in life is that I will always be with me. Humans will come and go, but at the end of it all, I need to be someone that I can look back upon and just be proud. For decades, I only wanted to be the sunshine in my step dad’s eyes. My raison d’être was making him smile. And, if you have read any of my posts about the gaslighter who use to be in my life, well… that blew up royally in my face. I made that fatal mistake, of living for someone else. And as I mentioned in my last post, I did the same thing over the last year. My motivations were different, and of course, I would do it again in a heartbeat, but now it is time for me.

I have always had a creative mind, that ran parallel with this inane desire to do everything myself. I equated loving myself with being able to do everything on my own. Pride equals hard work, and this weird solo sense of worth. As a person who has only been single for about 6 months her entire adult life, that is a pretty strange thing to say. I have had incredible partners, and yet, I would never let them help me sort out my career, finances, or have any say in who I am as a person (good or bad). And as I sit here, writing alone in my house I have to admit, that this line of thinking is wrong.

I have not done myself a single favour by going alone. I love being an individual, but I cannot help wondering where I would be at if I just let someone in without kicking and screaming. Would that behaviour make me less lovable? Admitting vulnerability? I mean sure, if you follow my twitter, or have read a few of my more intimate posts you know I can open up. I absolutely have it in me. But… it is always on my terms. I deal with what I choose to, when I choose to, and can pretty much keep everything else in nice and neat boxes (the last year of my life not withstanding). However I am only open on my terms, and have never been that bubbly warm soul that everyone wants to be friends with.

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There are so many times that I have wished I could be that person who walks into a room, and just lights it up. My grandmother is genuinely loved by everyone who meets her. She is that rare soul that you just cannot help but adore. Generous, warm, hard working, always smiling, and an amazing cook/baker. The greatest testament to her amazing effect on people is that every breakup my mom went through, I would hear the outed party comment about how much they would miss my grandmother. And I have always admired this quality in her, while also knowing, I could never fill these shoes.

As I spend this summer coming to much more intimate terms with who I am, and what makes me amazing, it is difficult not to fall into an old trap, the desire of being that lady in red. That woman who makes heads turn when she walks into a room, and has an entourage of people laughing at her every word. I, so badly want to please people, while at the same time being true to my independent self.  It’s a balance game I should probably just give up on, because if I have learned anything, it is that I am not able to achieve it.

When I open my mouth, I quickly sense the person that I have offended, or rubbed the wrong way. Call it a gift! Of course I make it worse if I backtrack, or try and dig myself out of those holes. So, I try to say less, and listen more. Which if I am being honest is one of the things I truly love about myself. Being able to listen with compassion has opened up a whole world of new people and possibilities. And this is the foundation of me falling back in love with me. That and of course some amazing sex toys!

Deep down, I know I want people to fall in love with me, when I am in love with myself. I don’t desire anyone to pity me, or feel that they need to help me, solve my problems, or dig me out of endless hole. I have never desired that knight in shining armour to come and rescue me on his noble stead. I can only rescue myself. And that is what I am doing, one day at a time, so I can resume the most sex forward, and positive adventures of my life!

Love the yoga photo? There are some fun NSFW on my Patreon!

Newport Beach Babe: Toy Review!!!

Please note that this article does contain affiliate links of which I earn a small commission that helps fuel my blog, but more importantly, hooks you up with amazing products that I have verified as awesome!

Newport Beach Babe

My Original plan when I was I sent two of the Calexotics line from Betty’s Toy Box to try, was to review the Catalina Climaxer, and then do a fun comparison review for the second.  However, I very soon realized that this orange pleasure product was in fact amazing and needed a stand alone post!  Colour me very, very surprised.  With all the toys I have been testing as of late, I really did not expect one to stand out the way that it did.  So, let me tell you all about it!

Firstly, it is now my second largest buzzing toy in my toy box.  And the crazy thing is, the silicon is so soft and supple, that it takes only a slight bit of lube to slide right into place.  I have a toy from different company of similar girth and made with silicon, that doesn’t even hold a torch to this comfort level and smoothness.  So, buyers, please be aware that not all silicon is created equal.  The Calexotics have exceeded my expectations with an almost silky, yet firm feel, and very easy to clean.

Now let us get onto the testing.  My when I first turned it on, I actually burst out giggling at the sheer drive of the clitoral stimulator.  It actually has a visible pounding action that both terrified and intrigued me.  I have not experienced anything like that before.  Usually it is a vibration, with various speeds and rhythms.  But this, was something else entirely.  And I should mention, I am not positive how durable something like this will be in the long term.  I can only pound my clit so many times in a day right?!? But for the two-week testing I did, there was absolutely zero sign of wear or of it slowing down. 

Unfortunately, the incredible strength of the clitoral thumping does come with a downside, and that my dears, is the sound.  This is my noisiest toy.  It isn’t annoying by any means, but there is no chance of having a discrete playtime while your partner sleeps beside you.  This little thumper will absolutely wake a person up.  But, holy hell, they would be waking up to quite a lot of fun!  So, maybe this is a plus?

The battery life is great, the size, and shape are amazing.  And once I got the clitoral arm in place, I was basically holding on for an amazing ride.  I am fully on board with this line of toys, and cannot wait to see what else they can come up with.  Thank you Betty’s Toy Box, for helping me get through this quarantine with so much extra fun!

If you want to see some of the behind the scenes photos taken during my toy testing, Patreon would be the best place to find those little gems, and then make sure to purchase one of these amazing toys for your household! 

Catalina Climaxer [Toy Review]

Please note that this article does contain affiliate links of which I earn a small commission that helps fuel my blog, but more importantly, hooks you up with amazing products that I have verified as awesome!

Catalina Climaxer

As I try to be a glass half full girl, especially being a non-monogamous lady, struggling with social distancing, the timing of receiving new toys to review could not have been better!  There is something about being isolated indoors that makes me a little stir crazy.  And the ability to just hit a button, for a quick, and satisfying release, is… well quite magical to say the least.  A pent-up creator, is a distracted creator, and barely gets any actual work done.  So, let me say a huge thank you to Betty’s Toy Box, for providing me not only one, but two toys (Next review in two weeks) from the Calexotics California Dreaming Collection.  And a special shoutout to all those who voted on my Patreon page for the Catalina Climaxer to review first!

So, let us begin.  After I spent about 20 minutes just staring excitedly at my new toy, I finally opened the box and began the first charge.  It took less than an hour, but of course it felt like a lifetime.  During this time I became familiar with all the magical settings and chose the vibrations of the main shaft and the clitoral stimulator I guessed would get me off the fastest.  Once charged, I gave the toy a good, cleaning with soap and water. Next it was onto drying very carefully with a clean, fuzz free towel.   I excitedly pressed the bottom button for the first time, and raced downstairs to show my partner that it was now officially… ALIVE!  We giggled, filmed a few silly videos of it buzzing happily on the desk, and button mashed to ensure we were confident in knowing what every possible setting was! 

Click on Betty’s Toy Box to find an amazing selection of toys (affiliate)

Phew, now with that out of the way, it was time for my solo testing to begin.  I should mention, that I am always skeptical of new toys.  I have my standard go to, that never fails to get me off, quickly and efficiently.  So, with new toys, I have to give myself a whole bunch of extra time for fair testing.  And let me just say, I am so glad that I did.  At first, when I inserted it, I was having troubles figuring out if I had pressed both buttons for external and internal stimulation, because quite frankly, it was intense from the get go.  A very powerful motor was fueling this little guy.  I quickly pressed the off switch and more carefully pressed the buttons, which I should mention are very well sized, and easy to use once your brain is on… Haha! Now I could play around with intense rotation of the big head inside me, while increasing the motor for the exceptional clitoral stimulator. 

There are tiny little silicon protruders on the clit side of things and normally I think these are a little gimmicky, but consider me a reformed sex toy user, because, holy crap did that spread help to ensure that I go the most out of that vibration.  I was even able to wipe off a little of the water based lube I had put on, due to being so turned on myself.  It was intense!  The last toy of this nature, with what I assumed was similar material, design, shame and feel I tried, didn’t even warrant a blog post, due to it just being … meh.  I wrote a review for the company and went on my merry little way.  This however, completely changed my mind.  Nope, not all toys are created equal, not even close!  And I cannot wait until I can share with you the next one from my package!  Isolation is so much easier with high quality, and amazing toys!!! 

Next up…

If you want to see some of the behind the scenes photos taken during my toy testing, Patreon would be the best place to find those little gems, and then make sure to purchase one of these amazing toys for your household! 

My “Backup” Bullet [Toy Review Inside]

Please note that this article contains affiliate links that send a small amount into my pocket when you purchase using them!

Pillow Talk Flirty Bullet

When I first started using vibrators, many moons ago, they required AA batteries.  Thus, battery life became more of a joke than anything.  If the remote control suddenly felt lighter and mysteriously no longer worked, you could bet with certainty that I had “borrowed” them for a quick little fix.  The ongoing quest for double A’s was real!  But because everything in our household required a AA there was never a reason to have more than one toy, or at least for me and my very tight budget.

But, like everything, we wanted safer, waterproof, sleeker, shapes, sizes, and basically all the innovation available to us with our toys.  As a result, we were blessed with integrated batteries, that required a plugin to charge.  Now this, has created a whole new problem in the world of masturbation.  For you see, if your charge runs out, before you have finished the job, you cannot just scour up new batteries and finish.  Oh no, you now have to stop, and recharge the little beastie, in order to finish.  Sure, you could use your hands, but when you need a quick stress relief, I for one implicitly trust the buzzing device to wham, bam, thank you ma’am over my less than accurate fingers.

So, this is where my backup bullet AKA Pillow Talk Flirty Bullet comes into play. It is a remarkably powerful handheld device that is a consistent finisher. It charges in about an hour, simple to use, and most important to increase the pulse with one finger.  But simplicity has a price, for me anyways.  While the flirty bullet is incredibly reasonable (29.99 and of course you can always get a discount with BreakingAway at checkout) and it just can’t quite find my clitoris from a non-aroused state.  I have to have it fully cranked to finish me off, with quite a firm hand on it’s placement.  Where as with my favorite toys, they have a strong protruding face or edge that can stimulate me with far less effort or concentration. 

Every single person is shaped differently, and for those with incredibly sensitive lady bits, this may be the answer.  The silicon feels almost silky on the skin.  And it is so compact, I would even feel safe traveling with it (and it is designed with a travel mode so it doesn’t easily go off in your luggage). But ultimately, this little beauty is always charged, and sitting in waiting until another toy lets me down with that terrifying slowdown of battery drainage.  It just cannot quite rise to my occasion on its own. 

Thank you for reading!  And yes, there is a sexy behind the scenes photo from my testing of this flirty bullet on my Patreon if you are wanting to see more! 

Self Pleasure Challenge: My Toy

Hot Pink Toy

Late last year, I got this crazy idea that I needed to challenge myself sexually, and decided to open it up to everyone who reads my blog (please read this post for details).  I have been using the phrase sex positive for so long now, that the timing felt right to push myself outside of my comfort zone (without any prompting from my partner).  So, after careful consideration, I decided it was time to acquire my very first dildo, (affiliate link) one that would not be simply a part of a photo shoot, or a costume, but one I chose for my own pleasure.  I have owned a countless number of buzzing devices and a few butt plugs over the years, but a dildo?  Well, that was something I just saw contributing to my orgasmic pleasure, but low and behold, a hot pink one arrived on my doorstep and there was no turning back. 

Now, before any of you start unbuttoning your pants, thinking this is going to be a hot tale, about me and my new pink toy, I am very sorry to disappoint you, but this is just not how this post is going to go.  Rather, this is a post about how this toy, helped me to better understand my body, and the way I respond to stimuli.  For years, I have known that I am multi-orgasmic, with the ability to get off in a wide variety of ways, including penetration, clitoral stimulation, and through nipple play.  I have long embraced the different ways I get off via a vibrator versus a human being.  I have celebrated the different ways that my body responds, and as I get older, I become less concerned with how many orgasms I have, and more about just enjoying the ride. 

Betty’s Toy Box
Click above for an amazing selection of toy’s, lube, and much more (affiliate)

With all that said, I was not quite sure what to expect from a dildo.  I have read numerous sex toy reviewers discuss their favorite phallic toys, and the differences between smooth, ribbed, size, and of course girth.  So, I felt that perhaps my first toy with a motor, would be a gateway to a whole new world of exploration.  I started to imagine a drawer filled with a variety of colours and sizes, aimed to pleasure and please.  But, here is the thing, dildo’s just don’t do it for me.

I set the mood, pulled up an erotic video, lubed it up, and set aside an hour, uninterrupted for some real play time.  And, with all that, I just felt like I was thrusting into a blank void.  There were moments when I could feel the faintest tingling sensation, that perhaps I could have really focused into building momentum for, but, it just felt like too much effort to be worthwhile.  I just couldn’t seem to get anything going no matter the position I put me, or the toy into.  After my allotted time, I went downstairs and enticed an amazing deep thrusting from my partner to bring me to a happy ending.  And while I am in no way bummed about the experience, I was a little surprised to find out that I cannot get off by everything I put inside me!

This toy will absolutely have it’s place in pictures, and foreplay.  It will be amazing to use with couples, and other sexual exploration.  But alas, for solo play, it just didn’t hit my spots. And you know, that is perfectly acceptable to admit and talk about.  Not everything works for everyone.  To all of you out there who own this toy and love it, I am so happy for you!  Sex is about celebrating diversity!  The phrase sex positive does not mean that things are always amazing!  Overcoming obstacles in a place free of shame and guilt is all part and parcel of this amazing community!

If you happen to be joining in on my self pleasure challenge, I cannot wait to hear the words you use to describe your new toy!  Remember, there is a draw and giveaway on January 28, 2020 so still plenty of time to get your toy and join in the challenge. And for a bonus entry, please subscribe to my Patreon!