Category: Sexy

Breaking Free of Always Being “Sexy”

    K Ghislaine

What a strange title, and yet, here I am using it anyways. The other day, my boyfriend casually mentioned how we were going to grow old together. It wasn’t the first time that he has shared this sentiment, and I chided him by saying that I bet he has said that to all his girlfriends. He stopped everything, and looked at me, saying with 100% certainty that he has never said that before. It was in that moment of sincerity that I too, felt the overwhelming power of who we are together, and the future that we are both working so hard to achieve. Well, and of course in also enjoying as much of the present that we possibly can.

He believes that I am the first person he’s truly wanted to grow old with. And I realized that he is the only man I have been with who wants the future me, as well as the present me. How insane is that, considering I was actually engaged to a man, and had never felt the truth of this statement before. In my past relationships, I have been with men, who wanted to preserve me, to maintain my current looks, weight, and sex appeal. I was someone who was there for the moment, so long as I was my sexy self. What a fucking joke of a statement to write. And yet, that’s the truth of it.

My ex fiancé, did not want me walking around the house naked, because he didn’t want to get sick or bored of seeing me naked. My next long term boyfriend, very early on told me that he had broken up with a girl because she put on too much weight. And there as conversation about him telling a woman he hooked up with, that if she enjoyed him going down on her, she would make sure the next time she was better groomed. There was no mistaking why I was being told these stories. And I took these warnings seriously. Not seriously enough to pack my bags and go find a man who deserved me. But serious enough to stay, and ensure that I took the best care of my image, with the right amount of clothing.

Two relationships, with two very different men, and the commonality, was that I put my sex appeal first and foremost. Either by preservation, or by carefully maintaining my body image. I wrote a few years back about Being Comfortable Naked and it actually makes me a little uncomfortable looking back at my headspace when writing that. Why did it take being around a group of naked, sexy people, for me to embrace my body? Why didn’t this happen in the embrace of the man I was with and supposedly loved?

Today, I feel cherished, loved, and sexy. But I am no longer sexy in the way that turns heads when walking down the street. I have broken away from trying to maintain that side of me. Sure, getting older plays a role in having to accept that I no longer fit into my size zero jeans, with a flat firm tummy. But far more than that, is what I have at home. A man, with whom adores me, and makes me feel like the sexiest woman he’s ever seen, almost every single day! Having that man think I am sexy, is the best feeling in the world. Slowly I am learning to trust the look on his face, instead of the harsh critic that meets me in the mirror. The one that says I am getting too old, putting on too much weight, and have far too much sagging skin. That critic exists, but grow quieter each day, which is great timing because getting younger is not a reality.

I get to grow old with someone who wants to be with me for the adventure. And to anyone reading this, I wish the same for you. If you already know that feeling, tell your partner just once more. And if you’re not there yet, don’t lose hope, it is out there somewhere, and I hope you find each other soon.

Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing this post. And of course a humble thank you to all who subscribe on my Patreon.

What Really Makes “It” Good?

    K Ghislaine

When I got laid for the very first time, it was over so quickly I barely even knew it happened. And the second time it was better, and it evolved over the next 8 years with the same man, ups and downs. Exploration, pleasure, and overall satisfaction. I had nothing to compare our sex life to, and I was getting it very frequently, and I always came, so, I had a good sex life with my first boyfriend.

When things ended and I started dating, I was dumbstruck by how bad sex was in the real world. No one night stand did anything for me and I realized that I needed a personal connection to be satisfied. So, my quest for my next great relationship was on. And my main criterion was that it was “good” sex. When I found it, I stuck with him for nearly a decade! Lust for him, made sex good, and thus, I was having good sex. Until I wasn’t.

After nearly 20 years, primarily with 2 men, it turned out that I had no idea what good sex really was. I had mistaken my ability to orgasm easily for greatness. And by extension I equated a solid relationship with having the best sex life, because orgasms solve everything and make everyone happy. When the frequency of sex decreased, this void appeared before my eyes, and I knew how lost I had become. It was terrifying. My whole identity came into question. This very blog came into question and this imposter syndrome nearly swept me off into the great abyss.

And then, one day, well, one night, everything changed. Yes, I have blogged about this before, so if this part of the story sounds familiar I am sorry. But I think there is lesson here, that I wasn’t quite seeing before so I needed to look at it with a fresh lens, which is this post. When my boyfriend and I, quite literally came together, all the sexual experiences of my past, became hazy and nearly lost their importance. I know, that sounds absurd, especially given some of the passionate experiences I have shared in this blog, but it’s true. When we came together, it blew what I knew about good sex, out of the freaking water.

And here’s the real testament, I have these intense feelings of love, sexuality, and passion outside of the bedroom. These aren’t feelings of just horniness or lust. I finally understand what good sex is. It’s the passion and intimacy that yes, solves problems of the day. But it also, brings two people together, united in intimacy, that extends beyond the bedroom. We support and cherish each other. We hold hands to fall asleep (well, most nights). We kiss each other every time we have been apart, say I love you frequently, and in honest truth, none of these actions are derived from obligation. We want to express these things, and we want the other to be as happy as they make us. It’s a simple formula, and one I discovered completely by accident.

As I begin my dating and relationship coaching business again, there is something I know I cannot teach, and that is, the definition of good sex. I simply cannot even dabble a toe into sex coaching because I learned about it by accident. That’s not a coachable technique, and I admit that it is an area I will stay far away from. Creating safe spaces to talk, I can help. Increasing communication skills, absolutely! Honing in on your evolving wants and needs, I’ve spent over a decade researching, and learning how to do just that. Pick me, pick me! Finding the perfect lover? I’m out. In my mind there is no perfect technique that works every time, and if someone wants to try and teach you that, great, I’m not it.

My incredible sex life is the result of lucking out with the best person for me on the planet, and the gift of physiology beyond anything I can control. There, I said it. I hit the jackpot, and quite honestly I have zero clue how that even happened. In short, my sex life is beyond good, and I still don’t know exactly what makes it good, and that’s OK! Sometimes you don’t question your gifts, you just enjoy them.

For those who want to send a few bucks my way, there are some behind the scenes photos up on my Patreon from this mini photo shoot. Thanks for all the love, support, comments, and pressing the good ole share button.

Love is Love is Love…

    K Ghislaine
A red decorative heart in a plant pot.

As I get further along in the writing of my second book, a reoccurring theme keeps popping up, that love is love. I know it sounds almost simplistic and you are probably nodding your head going, well of course it is. But it’s more than that, it is something that has to mean something that elicits a reaction, that someday will lead to real and radical change. And I don’t mean in a political sense, because the reality is, I have always felt politicians should stay out of my bedroom, especially seeing at their own track records are usually fairly scandalous. Even more-so in the files that are currently being released, but I don’t have to tell any of you that! In a world of social media hype, fear mongering, and the unfathomable times that people are trying to police other peoples bodies, I say proudly, we need more love and less hate.

Yes, it sounds simplistic, and it’s a message that has been spouted time and time again. Songs, chants, protests, poetry, and every type of medium have pondered this word… love. And yet, here we are, hating each other far more than we are loving those around us. The shift is painful, and I can only say from my perspective, it became overwhelming during Covid when we became separated from one another. And while we should have come back to an open society with arms wide open, hugging our friends and loved ones, that didn’t happen. Instead we tip toed back into the world, still fearful, uncertain, and let’s face it, angry.

The thing is these are things we know, we feel, we experience, in some form or another. We know we are angry, disappointed with the news, our leaders, the economy, and just the state of world in general. What we don’t know, is what to do about it. It feels insurmountable. Too many problems, and very few actionable items that will make a meaningful difference. And I’m right there with you. I have a much shorter fuse these days, getting bogged down with the news, and find myself taking more and more breaks from technology. Not because I want to, but because I feel I have to or I’ll scream! And I have been screaming. Here’s the thing though, time and time again the culprit is choosing hate over love. We are trying to control one another, take each other’s power, or climb some invisible ladder whereby person A is better than person B. And that’s a no from me. In a world with love we don’t have hate and judgement in the forefront of our brains.

Here’s a little recent rant I went on:

“When will the hate and judgement end? As a small child, I had hoped that if mixed babies were the norm one day we would all be purple and live in harmony. As an adult, I now know the error of this thinking, and believe a diversity of skin tones, and culture should be embraced and celebrated, not erased! The same is true for gender and relationship norms. Accepting differences is what makes us compassionate, and complete people. My views have grown, and expanded as I became more educated and met more people, really listening to their viewpoints. I hope this for the world. The hate needs to end. And people who hate, or think people are lesser as a result of their gender, age, or skin colour need to be held accountable. It’s not “love thy neighbor”, as there is little challenge loving someone who looks like you. It needs to be love diversity, differences, and the unique! Challenge your thinking and beliefs, especially when they do harm, or put you above someone else. I long for a world where my heart is filled with love, and not breaking for all the hate and intolerance around me. #loveislove” @k-ghislaine.bsky.social

As I research more and more in depth for my next book, the incredible diversity of relationships and mating habits of the animal kingdom, puts me in a state of awe. Diversity can and does strengthen whole populations, and that is what I am learning after I read about animal after animal. Evolution doesn’t stop because we impart our beliefs or biases on it. Life always finds a way, and I hope in some small way, this post is a reminder that we can choose love over hate. We can choose to support each other. We can stop feeding the fear mongering machine and put our dollars into the arts, gardens/nature, and any place that builds community. Money talks, and if we stop watching every single video telling us about all the bad going on, and start connecting in person, at small businesses, mom and pop venues, even just in nature we will be the start of change that will empower, rather than continue to make the rich and powerful, more rich and powerful.

Love is love is love…

And if you like the picture below, why not subscribe to my Patreon?

The Backlash of Writing About Being Comfortable Naked when Thin…

    K Ghislaine
Comfortable Naked After a Lot of Hard Work!

Yup, never fails that when I write an article about body image, and being comfortable naked, I get put on blast for trying to express that my body image issues are the same as those who are not skinny.  Every, single, freaking, time!  Look, everyone should be able to talk about weight, body image issues, and be able to express hope that someday in the future looks won’t matter.  Just because I am thin, and my experience is different than a person who has experienced fat shaming, does not mean I must remain silent, on body image. Or that my expression is invalid.  Yes, I have issues with my body, and I am trying to open up conversation.  I in no way, have tried to diminish anyone else’s experience.  In fact quite the opposite, in that I have openly asked others to share their stories, if they feel comfortable so we can have real dialogue about how body shaming hurts everyone.

The second matter of BS, that this article opened up, was the mass of men who said they didn’t think I should have body image issues because I look amazing. What, the actual F?  How is that helpful at all?  So, some stranger saw a photo and then decides that my feelings and experiences are invalid?  No thank you sir, no thank you! You have no idea what I worked through to get here! Perhaps if you had actually read the article I wrote for Medium, instead of just reading the headline, but… clearly that is asking far too much. I have to add one caveat, and that is to my dear friend who wrote surprise at my feelings and provided me a space to talk further about it, then offered real comfort and uplifting sentiments. He didn’t just outright dismiss my feelings out of hand because he didn’t agree with them. This of course was only made possible because this guy actually knows me, and we have honest and real dialogue.  He in no way invalidated me, but instead expressed an opinion, followed by giving me healthy space to further express.  There is a communication learning opportunity here. You can have an opinion, but it’s all about delivery, and what your intent is. If you are just trying to tell a person that their experience is wrong or invalid, please don’t.

Strangers judging other strangers is not the answer to building a better world/community/space and what have you. I expressed an experience, that was supplementary to sharing how non-monogamous situations helped me see myself and others in a less critical light.  But instead of focusing that, by all means try and tell me that I just don’t understand, nor will I ever, because I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be judged for how I look because the thin experience doesn’t count.  Those with this opinion, may I ask how you don’t see irony in this?

(Start your own story with this low rate, from my affiliate link)

I want to make it clear, as I said on Twitter, that I in no way think skinny shaming is equal to fat shaming. They just aren’t. I have never implied that. My intent was to broaden the sphere of conversation, and to express the very real sentiment that I too have felt insecure with my nude form, but when faced with a broad range of naked bodies (of almost every single shape and size) I saw first hand beauty in the variety. That is the takeaway I intended, and one that I hope we all get to feel at some point. That sheer joy in just being comfortable naked. The whole, don’t judge a book by its cover thing?

Any who, thank you to all the amazing people who either just moved on from a piece they may not have liked, or took time to share their experience with me. And of course, to all of those who it struck a chord with, I earnestly hope we all move past the experiences and have a much healthier image of ourselves in the future.  Because that, at the end of the day, is what it is all about! 

Thank you all who have bought me beers this week! As a thank you, there are some behind the scenes pictures from this photo shoot up on Patreon for you.

Flamingo on the Inside, Sex Positive on the Outside

    K Ghislaine
I have no idea what Bowser and I are looking at!

My last piece was a birthday blog, with my hopes and aspirations for what I hope to find, and embrace in my 38th year of life. If you have been reading my work for any length of time, you might have noticed that as I get older, my birthdays are becoming less gut wrenching.  I think part of the reason for that is, I am finally living my best life that I possibly can.  Sure things aren’t perfect, and my dreams remind me each night that all I really want is something to naked cuddle with at night, and wake up excited to learn more about in the mornings.  Oh, and of course, someone who wants the exact same from me!  But… there is an added element that try as I might, I just don’t know how to broach.  Perhaps because men disappear before we even get that far?  Ooph, OK, back on track here, bringing up being sex positive with a new person, and it is not going well, but… I keep trying!

Imagine for a moment that you are on a date with a person that you know almost nothing about.  You sip your wine, laugh nervously, and talk about what you have in common.  You are sharing experiences in those precious few moments that will shape the foundation of where this chance encounter might go. Statically speaking the likelihood of going past a few dates is incredibly low, but, you feel a spark and decide that you want to keep seeing this person.  Cool, they want to see you back, all is great.  Now, at this point you start talking about your passions and what really fuels you as a human.  In my case, it is relationships, sex, and exploring everything intimate that connects our fellow human being.  Oh, and by the way, I post sexy photos online, and oh yeah right, I’ve been writing about my non-monogamous experiences for over a decade. Oh… wait I forgot, I am actually working on my second draft of my first memoir of said relationship.

Wanna take a break? Why not try a survey or online game and earn some gift cards (and support this blog)!

Yeah… so… that’s not going well for me. Writing about sex is still taboo. Men, don’t want to bring me home to meet their families. I am not motherhood material. And yeah, they figure I am a goddess in the bedroom so they can put in zero effort where that is concerned, and then just never call again.  Or, they want me to analyze their sexual past over a beer, in public, for free.

I’m not saying I would change a moment of who I am, or what I am passionate about.  And yes, someday the right man will come along who understands, accepts, and is not threatened by my past or present.  But hot damn I am tired.  So, so tired.  And I shouldn’t have to change or hide my past in order to have a future with someone, should I?  I overcome hurdles every single day. I challenge myself, and others to think, be more compassionate and embrace a sex positive world.  And at the end of it all, I just want someone warm to snuggle with, who loves me, understands me, and allows me to be me. I am a unique flamingo, looking for love, while embracing a sex positive future.  Deep breaths, just keep going.

If you’d like to show your support for this blog and the work I do, please like, share, or subscribe to my Patreon. Or, just keep reading, and sending warm vibes!