Walking the Fine Line

No means no means no.  Sounds simple enough, however it is unbelievable how often I have to repeat myself and say no.  I like to think of myself as pretty sex positive, and I try to share what I have learned over the course of time, that being said the biggest learning curve is often found when things go wrong.  I constantly convince myself that woman can be completely platonic with men and build really amazing friendships.  Sometimes these friendships turn sexual, but often the friendship is formed out of a mutual respect whereby if one party says no that is the end of that and the friendship can continue on its journey.  Unfortunately I have a bit of a short fuse when I am put in a position whereby I have to repeat myself to the point of being rude, at this point the friendship is sinking vessel.
I do not mind when a male friend tells me I am good looking as flattery is awesome and I openly applaud things that are awesome.  But I am also incredibly choosy, I am open with my sexuality and my views on relationships but that does not translate into an invitation to sleep with all of my male friends.  The biggest reason for not wanting the men in my life to continuously try to hit on me is a selfish one, and that is that I hate having to put my friends in their places.  It makes me feel horrible when I have to flash that bitchy, and cruel side to the people I care about.  I understand the difficulties men and women alike face, as the chances not taken are wasted opportunities, and for that I will always be respectful the first approach, and often the second.  But when I have to say no a third time, well my inner bitch shows her true colours.
It is a fine line, and I appreciate that, it is one that I have walked more than once.  That decision to take a chance on a friendship being more than just platonic, knowing full well that the friendship may never quite be the same afterwards.  Or that I may lose having that person in my life for a long time after a chance encounter, those are very real risks.  But if I am turned down once, I do not take it upon myself to push and push until the friendship is unsalvageable.  The thing I have learned is that these things do take two mutually willing and able individuals in order to progress into something more.  If one party is not on the same page, take a kind no and back off.  Make it easier for people to be more sex positive and open rather than making it uncomfortable or placing negativity on a freeing situation.  Try to make a healthy and open environment for a bit of playful flirting and teasing, but remember to always listen when a person says no.  If we are heard the first time, it makes it a little easier for us to say exactly what we want and do not want.  It is a two way street in the game of wants and needs, as I have written before where woman have learned to be coy, so respect us when we try and break this ingrained habit.

How To Stay Seductive in the Long Term

I blogged a wee bit about flirting for the newly out of a relationship, here.  For a relationship to have happiness in the long term things are a little different.  One aspect that I constantly see left behind is the seduction. Seduction is not just for landing yourself a mate. Seduction can be the glue that keeps your relationship exciting for the long haul. If the basics for the relationship are there, then putting in the effort to keep things exciting should be an exciting venture. 

It’s a myth that seduction always has to be about lighting candles, chocolate and sex. Actually in my experience the instability of a few lows mixed in with the highs works extremely well. There are times that the emotional bonds forged, when tears are shed really goes so much deeper than just constantly being sexy. Humans have a wide range of emotions, so with a bit of skill you can take your partner on an emotional roller coaster. There is a part of me that hesitates to write that last statement so I will do a little clarification. I am writing this blog on the basis that you have a firm foundation and have been together for quite a while. In the first 6 months or so, using any of these techniques may allow for the crazy or unstable persona, and these things can occur quite naturally. 
You know your partner, and you have built up the trust enough to know how far you may push him/her. So now is time for the fun part of being in a long term relationship. Here are a few not so secrets that have worked in my relationships. And hopefully you recognize that subconsciously you have been doing this all along, but now you can bring it to a conscious level with a bit more control and technique.
Firstly it’s really important that you break up your routines every once and a while. Nothing spells stagnant or unsexy like the same old thing night after night, even if you both really enjoy routine. If you have schedules that you must keep week in and out, find time to break the pattern every so often. If you both love movie night, switch it up by getting dressed up and seeing a live play or performance or any variance on the day in day out. Have your coffee in bed rather than at the kitchen table, just be creative.  This occurred naturally when you first met and had to mesh each others schedules and fit time for the other.  So re-enact that from time to time.
The next thing is to have a dynamic relationship. Being happy and having fun day in and day out can get boring. A little drama can go a long way, and make up sex is beyond exciting. Have you ever tried stirring the pot just a little bit, but for a positive result? Something really simple to get you started, have a little water fight, or tickle each other. There is no malice intent, just creating a dynamic playing field where you are able to cycle through a range of emotions together. Just writing this I am able to clearly see all these events that naturally took place in the “honeymoon” phase of my relationships. And it takes skill and knowledge to re create these events for the future and keep that new love feeling going strong.  How funny that these things don’t seem like you are seducing at all hence why seduction is so much more than physical.
Be thoughtful and spontaneous. Leave a note on his pillow, or when you grocery shop pick up their favourite treat. Just anything little that elicits an unconscious smile. Don’t forget body contact. Think back on the days when you first met and couldn’t keep your hands off of each other. Give a scalp massage while watching your favourite show, or a quick spank when cooking dinner. All these things you have done in the past, but with life moving forward so quickly these actions become rare. 
Put some thought into your favourite memories of the time spent together in the first few weeks, and draw from those experiences your inspiration for a conscious seduction. Its amazing how intuitive these actions can be when the hormones are flowing and there is the element of new. For a long term success you will be able to keep things on this dynamic plane and keep the new alive.  These are just a few of the techniques that have worked for me.  Try a few, and please feel free as always to offer some suggestions 🙂

Flirting: My First Topic Request

So as the title states I am very excited to have had my first topic request the other day.  Here are my thoughts on flirting.
First things first, be prepared to fail.  Rejection can be really hard to take especially for a person newly out of a relationship, or even just lonely.  For me, I had liquid courage the first time I went out to flirt and I failed miserably (the story will be coming up shortly).  I had to learn two lessons very quickly: First, that the worst thing that can happen when you pick a target is the guy (or girl) is going to say is no, or fuck off.  Really, that’s easy to get over and once you hear it a couple of times your skin thickens and you move right on.  I would recommend if you are rusty, go up to a guy really out of your league.  Seriously it’s one of those no harm no foul moments where if you luck out, fantastic.  If you don’t, well no loss you got the first and hardest no out of the way.

The second thing, and this is really crucial, is to determine your end game.  I know that can sound a little silly but there is an excellent reason.  I personally cannot stand women who are teases.  They monopolize a guy’s attention for the night, then giggle, and go home alone or to their boyfriends/husbands getting what they need only.  I have been the shoulder for many a guy wondering what the hell just happened and how much they now hate women.  And with great reason, there is just no place for a tease and I will not support that. If your end game is simply attention, then please please, get a little attention and then move on.  The guy has needs too, and if you knowingly take up all his attention and plan on going home alone, that can crush a guys esteem and is really selfish on your part.  Sorry about the vent, moving on.

Once you choose if the night is for a little pick me up, or to get a little action, it helps to know your target, and that I would recommend reading Robert Greene’s, The Art of Seduction. The book does a really great job of defining the different seducers and also explains what your own type is.  If you have any other suggestions for me I would love to hear about them.  Once you have a firm grasp of what your strengths and weakness’ are, flirting can be so exciting and there are so many boundaries to push through.  As the book mentions, you can apply seduction to all aspects of your life, including the business world.  However this is not always easy the first time.

When I first went out to flirt it was to build up my confidence.  To give me a feeling of sex appeal and a little re-assurance that I could potentially find someone else and would not end up alone.  I went to the bar very desperate for attention and it showed.  I was insecure and waiting for anyone to make eye contact while I very ungracefully chugged a few too many cocktails.  I should mention that I also was on a pub a crawl, clearly I had no idea what I was doing.  I can laugh now at the whole scene but here I was drunk, going from bar to bar, and getting sloppy.  I have no idea how it happened, but I ended up being that girl that I have felt sorry for so many times.  By leaving the bar with some random guy, and in the morning doing the walk of shame.  Not the highlight of my flirting career let me tell you.

Now for some things that actually work.  Sex appeal has a lot to do with confidence.  I asked a guy once why he slept with a girl, that let’s say didn’t share his same fitness beliefs.  His reply was quite simply she made the first move and was very confident.  I was in awe, and did not fully realize just the impact that this has.  I personally had been after this guy for a while, and to find out that the pining over him was incredibly un-attractive really hit home.  There are quite a few other tricks that I have learned, and I will try and share them all in the upcoming blogs.  But if you walk in with confidence, know what you are after, and are able to push away the fear of rejection (without booze) you have already won the initial battle.