Swing Clubs, Singles, and Consent: My New Years Eve Tale

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me question if writing this post was even worth it, because I felt incredibly dissolution and let down after my New Years Eve swing club adventure.  Now that I have a bit of clarity and less emotion, I believe this post needs to be written and a few of my views openly discussed for the good of our non-monogamous/swinging community.  And if you’re outside of the lifestyle looking in, let this be an eye opener, that swing club consent is mandatory and anything less will not be tolerated.  So let me begin my tale.

My partner and I have attended the same New Years Eve Swingers party for 3 years in a row in sunny California (our Christmas vacation destination).  We are familiar with the venue, the rules and in general the vibe.  We specifically seek out this particular club because it has the largest crowd of people, which boosts our chances significantly of finding like minded couples, great conversation and the hope of sexy times.  This New Years Eve however, was different.  Firstly, when we walked into the club, they were turning away a single guy at the door.  As luck would have it, this New Years Eve coincides with the usual single male welcome night.  While unfortunate for the guy not checking the website first, I was not too concerned being that our first time at this club single men were allowed and we didn’t have much of a problem.  To protect couples and keep active membership, there is a couples only play area that single men are never allowed into.  It even has security guarding it, or has every time we have gone previously.

For whatever reason, this New Years Eve the club was quieter.  I would say maybe there were 150 couples, whereas in years past there have been upwards 270 couples.  This actually had its very sexy benefits for us, because after midnight, we didn’t have to wait in line for the sex swing in the couples play area.  I could go on and on about how much I love that thing, the open corner its in, how hot I feel in it, etc.  However, I could not enjoy my time in the swing for long because within a few minutes we had a lonely male start to lurk completely unaccompanied by any female.  After my partner asked him to move on, we both decided that we would be much better off doing some exhibitionist exploration as the venue was so empty.  So, after a few quick sexy strokes in the hallway, we made our way to an upstairs balcony with a mattress and railings and the sexy sounds of a few couples playing.  There are 4 mattresses on various levels that overlook a mirrored hallway, with a white railing for the safety of the upstairs couples.  It’s a very hot little area, with couples on each bed and little cubbies below us, that you can see from the mirror.  The visual cues are beyond hot, really the stuff that has kept us coming back.  It’s an absolute playground for sexy times!

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So here we found ourselves, getting hot and heavy with my partner overlooking the hallway of the couples only area with not a care in the world until we saw him.  A fully clothed single male who had wandered down the unmonitored hallway, alone.  And he wanted to watch our show.  My partner told him no and to move on.  I tried to get into the groove and switched from a passive on my back to a more in control doggy style, and knew that a big O was getting incredibly close.  The guy got closer and I glared at him, and turned my face.  He did not get the clear memo of no from my partner, and did not take the hint of my very angry face.  And as luck would have it I lost control, and reached for the railing as I started to cum.  And that stupid, single male, reached up and grabbed my hand as I was orgasming.  A fucking stranger, with no consent, grabbed my hand in my most intimate of moments.  I slapped his hand, but honestly, I was so consumed with pleasure and now the tinge of anger it was difficult to really process anything.  I felt a little uneasy, but thankfully also so safe with my partner that I was able to enjoy the rest of the night including another trip to the swing.

But in the morning, I felt violated.  I felt gross, and hurt that this guy was allowed back in a couples only area and was able to grab me and get away with it.  No, did not matter to him, body language meaningless and consent didn’t cross his mind.  When I reached out to the club a few days later, they were less than helpful.  They seemed more focused on me making a false claim that singles were allowed than the fact that there was no security around and that I felt uncomfortable.  They advised me that I should have stopped what I was doing, and immediately gone to their office to report the guy.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I was in no condition to stop mid orgasm to go and tattle on this guy.  And further more, why was a guy allowed in the club who was not aware of the rules of consent?  Or the rules of being part of the lifestyle?  Or basic human decency that you don’t touch another person without permission EVER?

I’ve written multiple times on why I don’t think the majority of single men should be allowed into clubs, and incidents like this only confirm my belief.  This isn’t an unwarranted stereotype or stigma. Men, when alone in clubs are usually stupid and make poor decisions.  They think with the wrong head.

Now I want to say a few words to the men in the lifestyle who are single, respectful and follow the rules.  I appreciate that there are a few gems in the swinging community.  And I wish that there were more of you because I love cock.  But I need to ask a serious question.  What are you doing to improve things for your acceptance in the community?  Do you tell your male friends about the work it takes to get into the lifestyle?  The hours upon hours of communication, self confidence building, and research to understand the rules and the core value of consent?  Are you a proactive member of the community who would educate someone, tell even a friend that he was out of line or if necessary call someone out who crossed a line?  Do you sit on the sidelines, keeping to yourself, staying out of trouble or are you active and proactive?

I ask these questions because I want to know the motivations for being single in the lifestyle.  I want to know what drives you, because then we can work towards finding a great and sex positive way to include you.  It’s obvious that the current standard isn’t working for single men, or for couples.  Men are not satisfied being excluded and couples are beyond frustrated with situations like I described happening or much worse.  We are not playing together in a positive way.  I almost feel like when men are finally allowed into a club, they figure that they have to try everything because they may not get the chance to be in there again.  That thinking scares me.  That mentality makes things unsafe and is part of the reason I wrote the post about not just trying the lifestyle for curiosity.  Men, if you want to be accepted, learn the rules and preach the rules.  Do not brag to your buddies about the hot live show you watched without mentioning just how many hoops it takes to actually get there.  Contribute positively.  It is not enough to just be one of the good guys.  You have a responsibility to do more, to be more, because quite frankly this experience was a deal breaker for me in ever going back to this particular club and they are one of the few that allow single.  Correlation or causation at this point make little difference to me.  The club was quiet, there was no security and members we’re not complying with the rules.  This is unacceptable.  We can all work to do better.

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Escorts at Swinger or Lifestyle Clubs

So apparently there is a term called “tickets” used for escorts that are invited/paid for by single men to get into lifestyle clubs.  And yes, if you’re a regular reader the timing of this post in direct relation to my last one is not lost on me.  Overall, I am an open-minded person, however I keep running into ideas and concepts that make me question just how accepting I really am.  I guess that’s why I blog, and keep questioning everything right?  So back to paying someone (an escort) just to get you into a swingers club!

I have used the term pay for play quite frequently throughout my writing career and as a positive outlet to my clients whenever the need arises.  I support sex workers. I wish that sex workers were legally allowed to practice their trades for safety, and economic reasons.  Sex work is the oldest profession and it should be taxable and all its members protected under the law.

Now, with that said, I will come right out and say, just like single men, I do not believe that escorts or anyone who gets paid for sex should be welcome in the swinger community as a means of breaking into the lifestyle.  There are a number of reasons. 

First and foremost, swinging requires work, communication, and a solid foundation.  As well, trust, consent, and disclosure.  These are things inherently missing in simply paying someone for the night.  Even if legalized, there is more to gain for a working guy or gal from non-disclosure than from disclosing, especially as they are being hired specifically to sneak someone into a party. 

Second, if you enter under false pretenses, how are people to believe your sexual status i.e. STI or STD’s. Livelihood is on the line, and it is unrealistic to think a person will stop working while waiting for a test result, etc.  We have to be practical about this.  Even a sex worker who is incredibly safe, and gets tested regularly still has to endure a slow health care system, with even slower results.  So in such a tight knit community that unfortunately relies on many assumptions about safe sex, and disclosure, these economic and physical demands unnecessarily increase risk.

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The next point is in regards to consent.  In what way does that even work?  A male is most likely paying for a woman’s services for the evening.  Is he also paying for her to sleep with anyone else?  Who gets the bill in the wake of a foursome or swap?  There are finances on the line.  And legal issues to boot.  Within most swing clubs there can be no cash exchange in return for services.  Whatever my views on a future of legalized prostitution (which is obviously pro), we are just not there yet.  So paying for sex is illegal.  Imagine not knowing someone was paid for sex and having that come out in the wake of a bust or exposure?  Or even just the emotional aspect of engaging with a couple you thought were genuinely together, only to find out, it was nothing more than pay for play?

Now let’s get into motivation.  Is the man simply a single, who has always wanted to see the inner workings of a swing club?  Does he think he just found the golden “ticket” to get him inside?  If so, please refer to my previous post about why single men at swing clubs suck.  As much as exhibitionism exists, I may or may not know that first hand, I do not want outsiders thinking they can pay for the privilege of watching someone get their rocks off.  That’s what porn is for.  You are confusing live, non-consenting adults with paid professionals and that is never cool.  I don’t attend clubs for the public’s consumption.  I attend because I love being around like minded, non-monogamous, open, and amazing people, who not to repeat myself, but have put in the work to be there.  They didn’t find this little loophole, a sneaky entrance, and the ultimate manipulation.

So in summary, if you think bringing a sex worker to the club just to get you inside is clever, it’s not.  You will not be invited back, regardless of how well behaved you are, or how much research you feel you have done when you are found out (which you will be).  Strong, stable, secure couples are hot.  A single man with his paid escort is not.  You put us physically, financially, and emotionally at risk.  So don’t be that asshole!  Consent in a swing club encompasses much more than just sex.  There is enough for us to be concerned about, don’t add to that burden for your own selfish motives.  Besides, if you do it, you still won’t be able to brag to your friends about attending a forbidden swing club afterwards so really, what’s the point?

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Is Non-Monogamy Something You Have Always Wanted to Try?

I receive messages weekly from guys saying that swinging or non-monogamy is something that they have always wanted to try and do I have tips for them to find women who are into it.  Depending how they ask, I may refer them to my reading list, or my ode to the single guys at a swing club post.  But ultimately, I know no matter whether I offer advice or scold them the result will be the same, testing the waters of non-monogamy just to knock it off your bucket list, is a bad idea.  Non monogamy is not a treat, or something to just experience when you’re young.  It is not a way of sowing your wild oats, until you find that special someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with it.  It is not a right of passage, or a notch on your belt.  If you, like thousands out there feel this way, please, for my sanity, educate yourself and grow some emotional maturity.  Or just look on from the sidelines.

Ethical non-monogamy in all is wondrous forms takes work.  It takes self awareness, the ability to multi task and a higher than average ability to socialize and communicate.  There is constant awareness of societal norms, feeling like an outsider and having to keep your mouth shut about that crazy foursome you had on Saturday.  This can be tricky and isolating and a whole bunch of other crazy emotions.  You know being turned on by your partner being sexed up, while being completely turned on because you are being sexed up and then remembering that there are a bunch of people watching the show.  It’s a crazy high, and not for the feint of heart.

It is not, and I cannot stress this enough, random, and or constant sex 24 hours a day.  Why? Because finding people who are sexually compatible, meet your level of hygiene, kinks, likes, passion and are non monogamous or single is exhausting and hard work.  And I will stress another point, we are all human beings with thoughts and feelings.  Even the most flippant of swingers who just want to jump in the sack with a willing couple, are still rational human beings who took the steps necessary to get to that point in their relationship.  So while the scene I described in the paragraph above may excite you and creep into your wildest dreams, it is not for newbies.  It is not for people who want to just dip a toe in to see what it feels like.  Because that thing I mentioned about human beings, yeah, we have thoughts and feelings.  We don’t want to feel used for your sexual conquests (unless its agreed upon ahead of time).  Nor do we want to witness your complete mental breakdown when you discover you have no idea what you’re doing, or have so much jealousy about your partner being touched that you want to play smashie smashie with someone’s face.

So while I love seeing new people in the lifestyle, what I love even more are the educated people who enter into the premises with foresight, understanding and an empathy for their fellow man.  To those who do what we did, and research the shit out of what we were getting into.  Starting off slow, and ensuring both partners are good each step along the way.  And not playing until you are ready, truly ready for the good, bad and hopefully never the ugly… cry.  There should be no tears in non-monogamy, unless they are fueled by unbridled ecstasy and euphoria.

And as for the tips to finding women who are non-monogamous?  All I can say, is that the finding is a huge part of the adventure, and a skill that once you develop, it’s very hard to go back.  And because it needs to be said, it takes a high emotional maturity and IQ to experience non monogamy well.  So take the time to figure out what you want, before you go out and just find someone whose willing to go along with it.

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Pre Christmas “Single Shopping”

I heard a statistic the other day, that 2 weeks before Christmas is the time when most breakups occur.  This makes a whole lot of sense.  Consider that you have been a little unhappy for a while, and now have to make the decision to buy someone you are not sure you like anymore a present.  Or what’s worse? You have to spend the already stressful holiday times with your crazy family, and dread including that person that now has the most irritating laugh EVER!  (Or some equally annoying trait that you no longer want to be in the same room with). Well, better to just end things quietly before it gets too close to the holidays and when you still have time to do some pre-Christmas “single shopping”.

And what is pre-Christmas Single Shopping you might ask?  Well, quite simply, it is the time for vetting out the person who will be good enough in a pinch.  It is the person who looks good in pictures, or just good on paper, whatever you may need at bare minimum.  The guy or gall who dresses up nicely and can make polite conversation at a company Christmas party.  It is the individual who has been friendzoned forever, so will be extra excited at the opportunity to be seen out in public with you.  Or maybe, it’s that friendly face on the dating site who messaged you and you didn’t instantly cringe, so now that you’re a little desperate and lonely, well… it is the season of giving right?

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It is almost like the speed date.  You have two weeks or less before Christmas to make a decision to bring around you maybe partner, or spend the holidays alone.  Online dating messages around this time are nice, polite, and just all around easy to read.  Or maybe the writers have just all had their rum and eggnog so their barriers are lowered when they scroll through the multitude of pictures.  I cannot say for sure, but there is a tone difference in messages.

So if this is a decision you recently had to make, enjoy your newly single shopping.  Be nice to your friendzoned maybe partner.  Be courteous to the new person who is as lonely as you and will scratch your back at your family’s gathering if you scratch theirs.  Remember the campsite rule!  And who knows, maybe this defenses down chance you’re taking could be the best thing you ever did, and there are many more happy Christmas’ together in your future.

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Fading Away from Me

Once upon a time, I was with a man who was so polarizing that by comparison I was kind and sweet.  When I ended things with him, I found that who I had become really stood out.  I was not comfortable being that strong minded without someone to have my back.  I felt isolated, and as a result of having that strong personality alone I consciously re-evaluated who I portrayed myself to be.  I changed a lot about myself.  I focused on taking a step back, not reacting immediately and using the excuse of just `sleeping on` every major decision I made, to slow down the rash judgementsI had found myself making.  

Now I find myself in yet another transitional period.  I am hearing far too often that I am really hard to read.  I don’t like that.  There is something alluring about being  mysterious, but that is not the term being used.  I went from being polarizing, to always ending up in the middle.  An ambiguous middle ground where I can flip flop and please anyone at anytime.  The reality is I am just not standing up for my thoughts and feelings.  

I know that I have come along way, and have appropriately re-calibrated my judgement from when I was an impulsive 20 something girl.  And yet, standing out on that ledge, just doesn’t seem second nature anymore.  I somehow, ended up, losing trust in myself.  Losing faith in my own core instincts.  I can’t promise that I will just get it back.  But with some hard work, and some leaps of faith I should be able to get back to that zone where I become fearless again.  Back to a place where I have complete assurance that my opinion matters even if people get pissed off. 

When I became single many years ago, I found myself alone.  Very few family members and only a handful of amazing friends.  I figured I had done something wrong to end up that way.  So I set about pussy whipping my polarizing tendencies and amassed a much broader circle of friends.  However the weird thing is, I now find myself almost alone again.  Yes, that is super hard to write.  The friends I have now are almost the same as who I had in my life before.  They have stuck with me through all my changes, and growth.  If they are going to leave me now, when I reacquaint myself with my opinions and my voice, there is nothing I can do to keep them in my life.  Nor will I. 

I have been through an annoying breakup recently and the people that matter, E namely and a few amazing friends who I doubt want to be named, stuck by me.  I trust myself.  I can do what I set my mind to.  And fuck the people who just don’t get me, or who won’t put the effort into getting to know the person I put before them.  I am more than just my body, I have a sharp sense of humor and well educated opinions.  Time to own who I am, because damn, I am amazing!