Category: Spice of Life

The Shift – Open Relationship Perception May be Changing

    K Ghislaine
I have quite a few musings and sometimes angry rants about how people I interact with are judgmental in regards to my open relationship.  I am now experiencing a shift in thought.  Between media, education and a general societal awareness, open relationships are becoming a more common place term.  And now the questions can begin, still shrouded in judgement, but a start none the less. 
There is still that morbid curiosity from the monogamous, the questions of why, how, and what is missing in your relationship.  But a few questions of late seem to have more curiosity, than actual negativity.   I am not sure yet how to respond.  I have grown accustomed to having my back up, to deleting harassing messages, and to block people who behave in an aggressive manor towards my lifestyle.  Surprisingly, over the past few weeks I find myself having to take a step back, a deep breath and then actually write answers to thoughtful and curious queries.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would see a shift in awareness so quickly.
It is encouraging to see people learning new things, or at the very least aware of things outside their perceived bubbles.  I see more and more television shows depicting polyamory, and openness in a way that shows both good and bad sides.  Fair, tempered, and full bodied depictions of real world couples trying to find their own happiness.  That is all I want for myself, and for my loved ones.  Love and support in whatever way suits you, if ethics are being followed and respected of course. 

Selfishly, I do hope that this shift continues because I would love a few more couples in my dating pool.  Variety is the spice of my life, and why have 2, when you can have 4 or even 6?  The realist in me knows that I should just keep taking baby steps here.  There is still a tonne of murky water to wade through.  Still so much fear, and misconception, but if I can get a stranger to be kind and curious vs the norm I have come to expect, then I say progress is at hand.  Let the open awareness continue to grow.  People continue to grow, explore and expand their horizons just as I have done.  Education, rather than hatred towards what is not understood.

The Room for Beds

    K Ghislaine
***2016 has started off a little intense for this ole blog of mine.  So, I am going to break things up a little with a fluffier piece.  This will segue nicely into some posts that are waiting in the queue to go up.
There was an article that came out recently that compared sleeping arrangements between those in the baby boomer age, to those of today.  Specifically focusing on the idea of sleeping separate in two single beds versus the current norm of couples sleeping in a queen or king size bed together.   Baby boomers slept in separate beds and/or bedrooms.  A lot of the research shows that the main reason for this was child raising.   The mother would sleep with the babies and the father could get a full nights rest for work in the morning.  Our generation however has made this sleeping in different spaces quite the taboo.  If a couple is not sleeping in the same bed then it is a sure sign that something is amiss in the relationship.  Every solid couple sleeps in the same bed, hence why we have gone to great lengths to even make mattresses with two different levels of firmness in one queen sized frame.
I was right on board with this level of close minded thinking right up until December.  I read the article and began to ponder why sleeping on the same bed was so critical to a solid relationship.  In the back of my thinking, I recalled E saying that he and a former girlfriend used to have two beds in the same room pushed together.  Thereby creating a massive room for beds.  With E being 6’6″, this meant he could actually get a full out sprawl on in a queen sized bed.  The gears in my head were really spinning.  If I could for a moment, pretend that sleeping in separate beds did not indicate that there was something wrong in the relationship, could this allow a fuller nights sleep to have two beds in the same room?
I took out a tape measure, and discovered to my amazement that we had a combination of box springs and mattresses in the house that were within a few centimeters of being level.  I excited asked E, if he would like do do a complete rearrange of the furniture upstairs to create our room full of queen sized beds.  I’m pretty sure that by the time I returned with furniture moving beer, he had already taken the old bed frame apart and was well on his way to helping me create our sleeping bliss.
After a few months of sleeping in separate beds, I can tell you that the benefits far outweigh any social stigma that was weighing on my mind.  He comes over to my side of the bed to snuggle while I read, or to have some adult time.  But when the time comes for sleep, I have the complete luxury of cocooning my blankets and cooking myself out with a pile of blankets.  As for E, he can keep his sheets perfectly tucked in around him.  He can sprawl and move from side to side without interrupting my sleep in the slightest.  We can even get out of bed most times without the other person even waking up in the morning, as there is no motion transfer.
Our room for beds has been an amazing experience for the both of us.  Solid nights sleep, no loss of intimacy of any kind, and we were lucky enough that there were minimal costs with making the transition.  So just another example of why questioning social norms can be a really good thing, at least for the two of us.

 

Keep the Spontaneity

    K Ghislaine

Ever find yourself trying far too hard to perfectly orchestrate the most intimate or exciting sexual tryst?  Well I have and it is exhausting and just never seems to go as planned.  The most exciting adventures have been those that have been a little more last minute, a little more spontaneous than planned.  I get wrapped up in the details and getting everything just right, and people just do not seem designed for that.  I find that the most excitement comes from taking a step back and letting a certain amount of pieces fall where they may.
A perfect example is sex in the great outdoors.  Quite frankly, living in Calgary, it is damn near impossible to plan ahead of time.  The perfect opportunities for the people very often clash with what the weather decides to do.  To this day, I have not once had an outdoor excursion go to plan if ever decided on more than an hour in advance… well except for that one time on the roof. 
Then there is event or birthday sex.  We all know the special events that come around every year, and I hazard a guess that very few of us can say that every year on our birthday the sex is more amazing then at any other time.  Why?   Because it is a planned event.  There is so much going on, such as a big meal, social obligations and time constraints that sex usually has to fit in around.  I have learned over the years to simply take sex as a highlight off the table, and to stop putting so much damn pressure on it.  If something is going to happen that is noteworthy, it works better for me a few days away from the birthday or other event.  It takes the pressure off and eases things.  There are of course exceptions to this rule, but for the most part the planning of something sexy and special on a day that already has so much going on, tends to fail.  

So try to keep it spontaneous, lower the expectations and planning.  Keep it spicy with surprises and unique ideas every so often.  And if things fall through, be sure to laugh about it and not hold a grudge.  Sex is silly, and fun, nothing to get too uptight or worked up about.