Until you can again get consent from every person you interact with…
I try not to speak out against people in the swinging community, for one simple reason, I think it is more beneficial to show the good in the community. However, right now there are podcasters, even organizers, and club owners who are basically shining a horrific bright light on the community, and I all I can think is “you do it to yourself!”. It is heartbreaking, because I spend countless hours each week trying to dispel taboo’s, and talk about the great points of non-monogamy. Dispelling myths is absolutely my jam, and while I don’t have a huge reach, I feel that what I do is valuable. But here I am, watching people I follow like @CooperSBeckett and Steak&Tequila speaking up, and I feel compelled to join them, by saying Swingers, stop swinging.
I won’t mince words here with my point. There are swingers right now who are putting their sexual lusts ahead of the good of the community and that makes me sick to the stomach. I am not OK with hotel takeovers during this global pandemic. I am not OK with sex clubs being open, claiming that they are only open to consenting adults who know the risks, because there are just no get out of jail free cards here. I recognize that the club owners need to keep their livelihood, but the cost is just too great here. I have empathy for every small business owner out there, but you cannot put people in harms way for profit. You just can’t, it’s wrong.
I am going stir crazy at home. I hate not being able to go out and meet new people in person like I used to do. I miss dancing, flirting, having sex in front of a group of consenting adults. I hate the isolation, and yeah, my libido feels like a caged animal right now. I even broke my favourite vibrator due to over use. But, my love of my fellow man is more important. These are small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things.
I’ve said it before, but when you go to a sex party during a pandemic, you are putting the cleaning staff, uber/cab drivers, liquor store clerks, grocery store clerks, and each and everyone of your family members at unnecessary risk. Why? Because you selfishly need to get laid! Often these innocent bystanders are lower income, and don’t have the choice to say no to work. But guess what? You, have the choice to put your sex drive on pause, for the good of others.
There has been such a push for consent, and if you’re a swinger I know you have heard the word. Well, consent isn’t just about sex. Consent is a norm that should be extended to all humans we interact with. And let’s face it, there is no way you are telling your elderly parents that you can’t see them for 14 days because you have to isolate after sex with strangers. There is no way, you are telling your babysitter that you are wearing a mask to drive them home, because you have just had your face in a stranger’s crotch. While swingers are more adept at hiding their lifestyle, if no one is supposed to be going out in groups, you stand out like a sore thumb! Just stop it!
I want to get back out there in 2021. But the more I see about people saying, bring your parties to Florida, we have no restrictions. Or emails saying, the hotel takeover was sold out in record time, and we are looking for a bigger venue. Or advertisements of podcasts driving across the country bringing the parties to you! I am just… tired. So tired. And sexually frustrated, and there is no end in sight.
If you are reading this, and feel it is a stretch and I am drawing ridiculous conclusions, I actually feel very sorry for you. In fact, I think I am under reacting, because the damage you are doing to the integrity of the non-monogamous community is heartbreaking. When this is over, we may have to go back underground, hide in shame, and stop using the word ethical. That crushes my soul. It’s a loss I am not prepared for. So please, cancel your events. Stop taking risks in the name of sex. And follow this simple rule, if you’re not willing to be open and honest in seeking consent when putting anyone into contact with you, you probably shouldn’t do it!
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I posted a rant a while back on the subject of Hookups, Couples, and Swinging, and honestly I thought I did a pretty great of expressing my dislike for the whole hookup culture. However, it turns out, I kinda jumped the gun thinking that I would only ever be dating as a couple…. Whoops! So now that I am putting my feet in the dating pool in a more solo driven capacity, and accepting solo men (Please be terrified for me, because I know I am) I’ve realized online dating and reading comprehension do not go hand in hand. In fact, more often than not the idea that I want a FWB or a hookup because I proudly state I am non-monogamous is a hurdle I keep having to jump. And well, they just don’t give me enough characters in a message to say what I really feel about this… Non-monogamy is not code for hookups or FWB.
Now, I know that the majority of my readers have already been exposed to the word non-monogamy, but if you haven’t, then I am about to blow your mind… the diversity within the word non-monogamous is vast. In fact, I have tried to write about the definitions outside of monogamy so many times, and always come up short. Many call it a spectrum and I urge you to go and look one up if you haven’t already. Suffice it to say, pretty much any relationship outside of monogamy is possible including: polyamory, swinging, triads, FWB, foursomes, don’t ask don’t tell, ethical non-monogamy, and when you factor in all the gender diversity too… well, it turns out that there is no solid assumption you can make when you read someone identifies as non-monogamous.
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And honestly, that is one of my favorite things about being non-monogamous, the freedom to choose. The freedom over my body, my relationships, and sex life is pretty damn empowering. That I can love someone with all my heart, and still be able to explore things I am interested in sexually and emotionally. Ok, I know you have all read my little anthem before. I love being non-monogamous. What I don’t love is being told that I am only looking for hookups. Or that I am only worthy of a FWB. Or that I am a slut or I am unable to settle down, by extension that something must be wrong with me. Or that I my sex life is unfulfilling. (Again, people I haven’t even met have dared to say each and everyone of these things to me on various online dating sites).
My optimistic nature thought, and still tries to be hopeful in the idea that new people would get excited about my relationship fluidity. If someone is amazing, I will make an effort to fit them into my life. It could be a hook-up once a year, or something more ongoing. It could be a full-on relationship where we go out on dates, plan a future, and grow to love each other. It could be physical, emotional, flirty, honestly it depends on our chemistry and timing and all those wonderful factors that come into play. I am open to the possibilities and don’t want to pigeon hole myself into some ideal that won’t make sense long term.
Sex is important to me. And yes, I want to get laid as often as possible. But if all you are offering me is that? Well, I am going to hold out for someone who actually wants to get to know me, and not just my body, because right now… that is what I am looking for. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time: my body, my heart, my choice!
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Around age five, I knew when I saw myself in the mirror it didn’t match what I saw on TV. People with white skin made the decisions, announced the news, led the adventures, and ran the world. People like me were barely seen and heard except for some recurring roles on TV shows or the occasional mention that this person was the “first” of our kind to be heading an important seat.
My mom made sure I got a good education because having a strong education background could make my life “easier”. I excelled in reading and other subjects. I tried sports, but the idea of playing in sports didn’t work.
My time in the military exposed me to the world and allowed me to parlay my abilities to show that I can navigate through any social circles. However, no matter the places I went to or the people I met; no matter my background or how I spoke; no matter my education or how well I could integrate between both the Black and Caucasian worlds I could never fully be included into their world. The systemic racism built into every part of our social construct would be a stumbling block for full integration and acceptance.
When I came into the Ethical Non-Monogamy world I hoped this could be a place for me to fit in without much effort. That wasn’t the case in this community either. Many times I find myself–like many people of color— as a person (or people) on the outside looking in. But the woman who was with me is White, Irtish/Scottish, and knew the scene better than I did. Without her, I think I’d be on a different path in the scene.
I could rail away about club owners or organizers not doing enough to integrate more and creating an equal space so no one was left out. Nor do I blame those who painstakingly tried to create conferences for ENM communities could flourish. I do believe there are people who try their best to include people of color in the mix. My thought is really listening and having an honest discussion on how the chasm can be filled between Whites, Blacks, and all other minority groups.
In light of the recent shootings and deaths of Black people around the country in the past few decades that include the death of Minneapolis resident George Floyd, the non-monogamous community must not just change but have some deep discussions about where we go from here. I think if we want the type of community Ethical Non-Monogamous people strive to have–one where everyone is equal, integrated, and striving for diverse relationships–it will happen when we start to discuss the issues facing us as a nation. It will also mean the White community must really listen to Black/Brown people about their experience in such settings.
Growing up in Northeast Ohio as a Black African-American we were never taught in school or home about the idea of having more than one person to love. Nor did we ever get lessons about enjoying having multiple partners in various scenarios or even find joy in our sexuality. No, my sexuality summed up by my mother’s stern warning to me at the time to not “make any grand-babies right now because I’m too old for that shit”. I was also the product of both the Catholic and Protestant churches where sex equated to purity and the right of passage once one is married. Sex outside of marriage–be it before or during– had no place in the world they wanted me to live in. The problem was I LOVE SEX and all the trappings with it!
I would learn later in life about these things in a classroom from a trained human sexuality teacher that all the guilt and hang-ups I had with my faith walk were wrong and that sex is pleasurable and can be enjoyed regardless of where I was in life.
I needed to hear that from someone outside of the realm I lived in. Sadly, the marriage I had before was over and in hindsight was okay. If we both got a more informed background on practices like Swinging, Polyamory, or Open Relationships the marriage could at least have a chance to survive.
The crux of it all regarding sexuality and my race is how at the time the amount of good information was available to my community. We fended for ourselves trying to figure out what is out there in the world and what is acceptable by our peers. I didn’t know any Black men or women who took the time to read up and find out about such things to get proper information.
I identify as a swinger in an Interracial Relationship. With our first circle of friends we met in the club I was the only Black person in the group. They were great people and we were fortunate to pair up with them. However, they don’t realize some of the things they would say (“you are the whitest Black person I know”) really hurt me. Just because I carried myself well and have an interest beyond the Black world doesn’t mean I’m trying to be White, nor does it mean that White people are the only ones who have a command of the English language. What many don’t realize is we do this to blend into, to try and defuse any tension among my White friends and show my desire to be included in the world. Even at my best I still find myself on the outside looking in.
I was always curious about swinging and open relationships. But because of the heavy influence of the church in our community or just any sexual relationship other than monogamous relationship pursuing such activities would be seen as trying to be “white”. When I came to such settings in Swing clubs and House parties I found other people of color were finding this stuff out too. Unless a black person or couple found themselves in a good group many found themselves on the outside looking in.
The other thing which was/is hurtful and makes Black men invisible is the whole “Mandigo”, “BBC–Big Black Cock” troupe where every Black male is expected to have the mythical Unicorn horn length cock stealing white women from their white men.
Some may enjoy this fetish, but a lot of us want to be seen based on our personality, our desires, and who we are as people— not as a fetish.
And being a Woman of Color is also troubling as well. From what I observe, the frustration Black and Brown women in the lifestyle face range from being invisible to being treated by White men as a “trophy” instead of a person. Only they can tell their story more adequately, but I stand in solidarity that their desire for relationships would be treated not as “exotic” but natural.
Our current circle of swinger friends have enough people of color (and middle age persons and couples) where it is comfortable and a safe place for everyone to strive to connect on all levels. It really helps to feel like you’re not the only one in the group and you are included in the fun.
If you could see the group room sometimes where we “play” together it is a beautiful mesh of Black and White bodies enjoying one another. What is even better is we truly care about one another and want the best for each other–both in and out of the setting.
What do we do now that the world realizes what the Black community said about abuse, murder, and systematic racism is true? How do the Ethical Non-Monogamy communities as a whole do to create a better relationship with Black/Brown patrons of the lifestyle?
I hope Polyamory communities and sites will take up the challenge and delve into the hard work ahead. I hope Swingers groups will not avoid talking about it, but create such a safe space for couples and single people to share and talk about the issues which affect both worlds. I hope in time the communities will strive to pull together and be under one tent together growing the community as a whole and not be separate. This can only happen when both groups strive to meet together in the middle instead of just one group doing all the heavy lifting.
This will require bloggers, podcast hosts, group leaders, and even finding the right party to facilitate a moment to lay down the rules. And it may be even important for each of us to place in our profiles just how important it is to make sure that first #BlackLivesMatter and secondly make safe spaces to talk about such issues in relation to Ethical Non-Monogamy.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that White America and the World are finally wanting to join us in the streets to protest and talk with us about how we enter under the sheets together in the bedroom. I think it is a talk we needed a long time ago, to be honest. However, I make no illusions that by the time I/we hang up our time in the Lifestyle or in the end of my life the World will look a lot better and a lot more connected together regardless of race. I do hope things will be better, people are treated with respect, and how and who we chose to pair up with we pair knowing where we came from and where we are going together.
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Thank you all for reading part I! And now for what you all have been waiting for, a few sexy highlights from our hotel takeover New Years Eve adventures! With three nights there, it is difficult to list everything that happened, but let me share the moments that make me the most eager to go back.
One of the clearest memories that I have is riding the
elevator down to the first meet and greet, and allowing my eyes, and ears to
take in the magnitude of where we were. To
our left was a live DJ, and in the room before us, were a bunch of like-minded people,
sipping cocktails, munching on appetizers, and just acting cool as cucumbers. It was what you would imagine any meet and
greet would be on the surface, people just there to socialize, and make new
connections. But then, this ethereal
feeling takes hold, and you realize that you are sharing a hotel, that is
filled to the brim with sex positive people, and the possibilities that being
there holds. A huge smile appeared on my
face in that moment, and my partner and I held hands as we sauntered up to the
bar and began the first of our introductions.
It’s a memory that will live with me for a long time.
The second memory that stands out is when I was told my
boobs were so perfect that they looked fake.
Here I was, playing a version of strip poker, lying topless on the bed, with
3 other couples and one of the guys across couldn’t stop staring at my
breasts. After he asked if they were
fake, the whole room starting talking about breasts, and comparing each other’s
in the most sex positive, and supporting way I have ever experienced first
hand. All the partners clearly loved
their women, and it showed by how they proudly displayed their favorite tits,
and the women all giggled appreciatively for the attention and praise. Such a beautiful moment, filled with
magnificent breasts! And holy crap did
that ever lead to some sexy fantasies later that night as I embark on my bi
For the third memory, I asked my partner what stood out most
in his mind. And of course, in true me fashion
I asked when we were sipping beer at a local craft brewery, and did not write
his words down exactly. So, I hope he
forgives me if I don’t type it as eloquently as he remembers. On new years eve, the version of strip poker
required that a truth or dare element be the penalty if you found yourself
naked. My partner got to choose the dare
for a beautiful and sexy woman who was laying naked on the bed across from
us. He dared her to give her husband a
blow job, and she delightedly got on all fours (butt high in the air, facing my
partner and I) and began to suck and stroke his cock. She took her duty seriously and after about
10 minutes, the couple beside her told her she could stop so we could resume
the game. She gave a delightful pout, licked
his cock a few more times, and then bounced right back into card game mode. It
As a special bonus and conclusion memory, my partner and I
agreed that one of our shared highlights was on New Years Day, with just the
two of us. I was standing naked on our
balcony, on this beautiful and very sunny start to 2020, when my partner came
up behind me, and started fucking me from behind. With the view of pool to our
left, and our 10th floor landscape before us, he brought me to orgasm
more than a few times. As he was ready
to cum, he bent me over the railing and shot a full and glistening load all
over my back. It was so incredibly
hot! The exhibitionism of that moment,
the sunshine all over our naked bodies, and the knee buckling orgasms… it is
almost too much to type even days later.
So, with my 2020 kicking off with the most incredible orgasms, I am refueled, and ready to tackle what I hope will be an amazing year. Cheers to all of you for the love and support, retweets, questions, and of course an extra thank you to those who check out my Patreon from time to time. May the good vibes flow free this year, and I look forward to continuing this sex positive adventure with you all!
I wrote a little while ago on Twitter, that I missed waking up with “random marks on my body from a passionate night of sexy shenanigans from the night before” (My Twitter feed is pretty random if you are not already following me). It was a random comment that popped into my head as I looked down upon my pale legs, and thinking how strange it was for it to be summer and still without the dings of adventure, be it sexual or otherwise. Further to this, anyone in a long-term relationship knows that sometimes life just gets in the way and you don’t just drop everything to jump on your partner, forsaking all thoughts of where, when, or how you will look or feel in the morning like you do when things are newer. Shortly after posting this, I received a comment from a follower saying “this surprises me. I thought you were active”. This response jarred the shit out of me. He wasn’t wrong in his thinking based on my blog, and my non-monogamous lifestyle. But it brought to light something I have been struggling with in my personal life, and that is keeping active in non-monogamy when I feel like my home life is a complete mess (feel free to scroll through some of my recent posts to see a few reasons why).
I firmly believe that I should be in a good dating state of
mind, in order to meet someone new, and be ethical about pursuing something
beyond a fling. Please note that these
are rules for myself, and myself alone.
I do not ever judge or criticize other humans for how they seek to find
happiness. Again, I don’t personally subscribe
to the idea that I want someone to make me better or pull me out of my
funk. Instead, I want to be funky,
awesome, and attract a person who see’s that light in me because it’s already
glowing. Not a person who wants to fix
me, support me, or hold my hand through the tough times. I approach that from a place of already
having a partner, and if I am honest, when I was single and dating, I always attracted
people who reflected my current mood. It
wasn’t until I started getting laid regularly from my incredible fwb, that I
was able to meet my current partner. I
needed the sexual confidence and devil-may-care attitude to shine through,
rather than the, holy crap, I will jump anything that moves mentality.
So here I am, admitting, that while a little date here or
there during this really rough winter may have boosted my energy and
confidence, I just didn’t feel right about it.
Since our Christmas holiday, I think we have only visited the lifestyle club
once, and gone on 2 couple’s dates?!? Those
number are really low for us. And quite indicative
of the mindset I have been finding myself in.
I just wanted to keep to myself, focus on breathing, and definitely zero
interest in finding anything fun or relaxing.
You know that low, where you just don’t feel you even deserve to be
happy or to take a break? So yeah,
obviously I was not keen on meeting new people.
And again, that twitter comment really hit me hard. Why wasn’t I active? Why was I stopping myself from having any
fun? How was that possibly helping me
So here I sit, puzzled over why I felt the need to punish myself. And why I hold myself up to these incredibly high standards that I always have to be in an amazing place in order to meet people, and have fun. Looking back on my life, I cannot think of a single time when I was prepared to meet the incredible people that I have closest to me. They were random, unplanned, and un-calculated. So, with this post, I am admitting, what many of those in non-monogamy already know, and that is life happens, lows happen, and that shouldn’t make you feel like you need to hand in your open relationship, swinger, polyamory, or all the beautiful relationships variations cards just yet. I am still an active member of this community of sex positive people, even if my legs don’t show the evidence of all the sexy time’s I wish I was having.
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