Wait?! Falling in Love is Real?

First bouquet of flowers

I have worked my butt off to be great when it comes to relationships.  I even wrote a post touting all the books that helped shape who I am as a person, and why I communicate the way I do.  Wonderful!  I have done extensive writing, journaling, and research into chasing butterflies, and dealing with aftershocks and all the fun moments in time that I have experienced over the years.  Amazing.  Yay me!  Then I went a step farther and read a book called “Why We Love” by Dr. Anna Machin.  Even better, now I could add to my resume, the scientific knowledge behind why love is so important to how we socialize as humans.  Our basic survival actually depends on it.  Again, Wow!  My pragmatic and rational side really came through for me, but wait, never once did I talk about falling in love. 

Why? Because honestly, that just wasn’t something I factored into the equation. In fact, I think I had been so jaded about the whole finding someone to spend time with, I forgot that part even existed.  And that’s not entirely my fault, well, maybe it is. I know I fell in love with my ex fiance.  But, honestly, I can’t remember what that felt like.  Sure it was a long time ago, but also, pretty much everything in my life was going on. I met him at the tender age of 17, when we were both in university, and we just fell into stride with one another. Experiencing pretty much every first in tandem, builds something pretty unique, but, honestly, nothing all that memorable.

Then there was my next long term partnership, which was pretty much non-stop adventure.  And love, just wasn’t logical in the sense of anything I had experienced before. And because that is such a tough one to explain, I am almost finished writing an entire book on it.  One thing I don’t think I touched on in it, and maybe I should add it to the summary is how we came to the conclusion of love.  I think I said it about 6 months into the relationship, and I believe he said it back about 6 months after that.  It was slow as molasses.  And it wasn’t the experience of falling in love.  It was more of an inevitability that grew into a partnership.

Here I sit though, realizing that I am falling head over heels for someone pretty incredible. I actually am experiencing the whooshing of falling feeling, and the holy shit this is moving way to fast, but… I don’t want to stop or catch my breath.  The whole desire to spend every waking moment with him is so supremely real that I cannot help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. And yet, we are both so happy, ready for this, and open to seeing where this goes.  The idea that your person is out there, you can actually talk about everything and your bodies fit together in magical perfection? Brain is exploding here. I’m 39, and I am experiencing firsthand the concept of falling in love, and redundant or not, I love it.

Thank you to everyone who has helped the book writing process by fuelling me with beer via my Patreon!

Organically Finding that Person…

Last summer, I had this strange premonition that I would be with someone that I already knew.  It was honestly one of those moments that just shook me to my core.  I don’t get these feelings very often, but, when I do, I try my best to listen. Part of the reason this moment seemed to make sense to me, is due to me really wanting to meet someone that I was friends with first.  There is just something about having that friendship as a foundation that has made sense to me for a long time.  And my last two serious relationships did not have that as a start, so I figured trying something new wouldn’t hurt, hence organically finding that person.

The thing about that was now, I had to figure out this puzzle of my own design; who was this mystery person? Did this person actually exists or was my gut instinct just playing games? Well, if you’ve been reading my saga over the past few years, my life has been a flourish of heartbreak, ghosting, soul searching, and just finally becoming comfortable living solo.  I have honestly built up the strongest friendship circle of my life, with simply solid individuals that I adore. There is no person that I wouldn’t feel comfortable introducing to anyone else, even with all of our differences, which is a pretty big achievement. 

With that being said, I also took a bit of a leap of faith in the late spring and shut down every single online dating site I was a part of.  I figured that my best shot at finding a person to click with, was via the organic route.  As luck would have it, I ended up making some, shall we call it missed connections?  People from my past that timing wasn’t quite right, and on and on. Trial and mostly error!  Haha!  Any who, nothing was quite ticking all the boxes.  If the sex was good, they simply weren’t all in. Or if the physical was OK, the conversation was outstanding, so I tried a little too hard to keep that going, and well I could go on and on (truthfully the list makes it sound like there were far more connections than there were, and nothing could be farther from the truth as this is a summary of what has spanned a few years).  This didn’t really deter me, because with so much time spent dating on the non-monogamous side of things, I was aware of the distinct possibility that it would take a few men to really complete me. So I forged ahead.

Slowly, though, I had been taking the time to really journal and be honest with myself.  I am a better and stronger person in a relationship.  I really flourish in a partnership.  And that is nothing to beat myself up over, or to feel this strange weakness about. I like being there for someone, and having them there for me.  Of course, I am emotionally strong and conditioned to pretty much handle everything that gets thrown my way, but I want someone to cuddle, to be vulnerable with, and all that jazz. Yes, these are real moments I put down on paper. Identifying who I am/was/will be.

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I have put myself out there, emotionally, a lot!  I cannot understate how many times I have just gone for something, only to have the door slammed in my face, or simply disappear.  The surprising thing to me, is that instead of this hardening me, it’s actually given me a bit of confidence to keep being authentic and vulnerable.  Why?  The simple fact is I like being that person. Yes, I am not a person to be messed with, and I take very very little shit.  But, that’s not anything I need to work on or improve.  That is a large part of who I am.  But I like being able to share the sensitive side of me, without having to explain how tough I am as a check and balance.

Anyways, maybe you can relate to where I am coming from right now, or perhaps you felt something similar when those stars just aligned for you in meeting your spouse, or your bestie of besties, or really a person that just fits you.  I see the universe spiralling someone closer and closer to me, and to say I am excited would be an understatement.  And this has been completely organic, and someone that I have known for a while, and have been creating a pretty solid friendship with. Let us see where this chapter leads shall we?

Thank you everyone for the birthday beers last month! There is bunch of behind the scenes planned on my patreon for my sex positive challenge going on over on twitter. Hope to see you there!

It’s Time for Yet Another Birthday…

AKA The Dreaded 39

Birthdays, Beer, and Bowser!

Next week, I’m turning the dreaded 39. It is not that I am afraid or uncomfortable about getting older, I just don’t enjoy this particular number. Odd numbers are just more difficult for me in general, but this one, it just hits harder for some reason.  In my mind 39 feels ugly, if that makes any sense.  Which truly is odd because it is one of the more interesting numbers to turn from a mathematical perspective will all the divisible delights. I should be more OK with it than I am.  And yet, here I sit, quite puzzled by where I am at in the grand scheme of things.

My book, is in its finally stages.  I am currently experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy) like I have NEVER experienced before.  And I have experienced more days than not in the past few months whereby I feel like the best version of myself. All in all, I am happy with my present, and optimistic about my future.  The hard work I have put into pretty much everything is finally showing me a little bit of a return for investment. But again… why reach this place when turning 39???

Last year, I wrote about my 38th birthday in: 38 My Year of the Flamingo | Breaking Away from Monogamy and it really was.  I begrudgingly accepted being single, and put my effort into accomplishing my goals.  Embracing my awkward flamingo self helped me laugh off the many, many, many, moments of self doubt, loneliness, and outright failures.  I can honestly say that while I embraced being that lone entity standing in the middle of water, it was a very slow process for me to open my eyes to those who were around me.  There were definitely a few cuts that were made, but surprisingly more often than not, I started to really feel honest gratitude towards those who I found myself standing close to.  While we all have our own unique paths, my flock is incredibly amazing, and over the last year, I have taken the time to seriously reflect on how and why that happened.

It turns out that it wasn’t by chance.  I realized, that I have been putting direct, and clear messaging out into the universe about who I wanted in my life. This, has been a major turning point for me, because my previous experiences taught me that self-preservation was made possible only by recognizing what I didn’t want.  I didn’t feel brave or confident enough to just ask for what I did want.  I am humbled by the realization that being clear and communicative with both myself and those around me, is working.

The word working, doesn’t quite convey the sentiment, but, it’s a starting point, and I think reflects what I really feel in this moment. I don’t want to get too excited, because with the book especially, there is still a long and arduous journey to go.  And although difficult, I’m being fed on more than just hopes and dreams right now.  I am actually feeling re-filled, and energized from entities that are not just self created. 

39 is still a weird number to me.  But, I think I am going to look back and laugh at how strange this number felt, by this time next year.  I’m cautiously optimistic that I have just found something dare I say someone pretty incredible, and that finally finishing my book is going to provide me with… well… something fairly monumental.  And none of this would be made possible without the incredible inner circle that I have in my life right now, and in this moment… I truly love you all!

A heartfelt cheers to all past and present who have bought me birthday beer either in person or via my Patreon! If you haven’t yet, don’t worry, there is always time!

My Summer Reflection

Summer Reflection: Cheers!

This summer, has been one of risks, and buckling down and just doing the hard things. I wish that I could say that it was a season that brought conclusions or even certainty, but I’m not sure that’s a place I exist. So, let me share a few milestones that I have worked on, and basically put into my brain, that yes, I may deserve a pat on the back even though I am not quite there. And maybe some kind soul will read this and agree, and perhaps buy me a coffee or a beer via my BreakingAway Patreon page? Any who, let me share a few of the big things I’m working on.

First and foremost, I am now financially free from my ex. It was exhausting at times, and the final step of a years long process to untangle our lives from each other. We are both in better places apart, and I am grateful that we were able to achieve this goal with civility. With that chapter closed, I was able to put the money from my separation to great use, and have made real progress in my future finances. I have struggled with money for decades, and I am proud to say that I have turned the corner with a real end in sight. I am finally in control of my own future.

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate)

Now with that freedom, something else that I knew would happen, was an emotional release. And well, what that means for all you is that, I have been able to put the hard words on paper when it comes to the book I am working on. Yup, I am actively finishing my final edit, which, come hell or high water I will begin the pitching process and outside editing pain. I’m the closest I have ever been to finishing this, and with the fear comes this strange feeling of readiness. I am ready to let this project go out into the world, fear and all.

So, now, let me get to the summer of love summary. Well, I am no closer to an answer than when this summer started. Real connections have been made, and while I have no clue what the future will hold, I will say, I believe this was the summer of friendship. Clearly that is not where I want these stories to end, but, I am resting easy in the knowledge that none of this effort has been wasted. I have met and interacted with incredible people, and I feel rich in the knowledge that real friendships have been forged out of this. Yeah, there has been a lot of crap, and a heap of rough stuff to navigate, sorry to my nearest and dearest for having to listen to it all, but ultimately, there have been no regrets this summer. I took risks, shared real feelings, and had some intense conversations, and even better, I had some really fun moments, and a lot of laughter.

So, those are some of my summer reflections. Yes, I know the season isn’t over yet, and of course being me there is so much more to come, but… I wanted to take pause and give myself a reason to enjoy a few moments. I have worked hard, and even though the joy is by myself, I am patting myself on the back. The hard work will pay off. And the journey, well… it’s been an adventure!

My Wearable Vibrator!!!

Sex Toy – Review [Affiliate Links Inside]

AYA, Wearable Vibrator from Zalo

While I don’t review toys nearly as often as I probably should, when I do have the opportunity, hot damn do I ever have a fun time.  This was my first toy that came with a remote control and was wearable!!!  And let me just say, I absolutely found the perfect volunteer to help press my buttons! If you want to read the more …*ahem* erotic tale of our testing session you can find that on my Patreon (after dark).  For this blogs purpose though, let me share my thoughts on the pros, cons, and ultimately why I am absolutely a fan of the Aya Wearable Vibrator from Zalo.

Charging

The one down side is the charging time, and so I figured I would just get that out of the way first.  While I understand the accessibility and simplicity that using a USB based charger affords, the reality is that it just slows down the process.  I think my initial charge took over 6 hours to complete.  Honestly, I got bored and went to run some errands so that I was no longer just watching for that blinking light to go solid.  Once charged though, the toy, illuminates in a clear and direct way.

But, on a positive note about the whole charging situation, this is also the first magnetic charger I have used that just worked!  Each and every time the magnet is solid.  So, overall yay?

Sound

Now for the sound, which I think is what people are most curious about.  It is touted as a discrete toy, as far as sound goes, but, I personally wouldn’t be able to go out to a restaurant, to use it. And to be clear, that has nothing to do with the toy itself and everything to do with me. Feeling the intense vibrations (which are amazing and are of course why the this little gem makes sound) has a tendency to create some *cough* sounds, especially when you are someone like me who has a difficult time staying quiet.  The audible gasps, and visibly red cheeks are what would be noticed by a passerby’s and not the little hum coming from inside my underwear.  Ha!

Now, if you are able to stay quiet and calm perhaps you could pull off a discrete romantic candlelit dinner.  As it does specify a 40 dB level which Google handily compared to a library as far as ambient sound. So, I guess it’s up to your personal risk level? All in all, though, it admittedly does sound louder when you are wearing it than it does to anyone else.  So take that with a grain of salt. I did a side by side sound check with with my other toys and it is quieter. As well, the clothing (if you’re wearing it in public for a little risque adventure does mute it as well. I just have no poker face to speak of, so I’m out.

Distance

Let us talk about distance between remote and the wearer.  I was able to test it in a house with three floors.  The remote is quite responsive a floor away, but, it loses connection when you are more than one floor apart (and yes it was advertised as being same room only, but of course, I had to make sure!). Nothing is more fun than running upstairs with a toy hanging out of you yelling “I’m ready! Press more buttons!” Isn’t half the fun of having a helping hand in just seeing their reaction too? I certainly think so! And there are toys out there specifically geared for long distance which I hope to explore in future reviews.   

QR Code

So, there is a QR code, with an app based interface that you can use your cell phone to control this Lovely wearable vibrator.  I have gone back and forth on whether or not I was comfortable testing this feature.  Admittedly am the most tech savvy, tech avoidance person I know.  I love the idea of what technology has to offer, but I struggle with just how much information I ultimately give access to.  If you’ve been following me, or reading my words for any length of time, you’ve probably realized that while I share a tonne about my life, it is always on my terms.  Rarely do I entertain people prying or pressuring me to give more than I already have. So, for the time being, I am not going to download the app.  But, if you choose to and wish to share your experience I would love to include your review for others!  Just comment below and we can chat about that.

Visuals

Ahhhh, for anyone who has read my toy reviews before, I am consistently blow away by how visually stunning toys are made.  Take this one for example.  It is made of velvety soft silicon, that is easy to clean, and a rich green colour.  It has delightful gold accents, that are not only beautiful, but hide the cleverness of a magnet that makes securing to your underwear or chosen fabric even easier (See image). The drawstring bag has come in handy when I have taken the toy over to be tested with my helping hand! And again, I simply love the elegance, and kinda wanna keep the black box (See image) as much as I want to store it in the bag for easy on the go, mobility.  So, beautiful, easy to clean and store, and of course, very soft to touch. Visually stunning!

Recommendation

Overall, I adore this toy.  And it is the first “couples” type toy that I anticipate becoming an active participant in my bedroom. It is not the star, but it is amazing for fourplay, is very fun to use, and just fits my body incredibly well.  Thus, if you are looking for a wearable device, I highly recommend the Aya (which you can purchase directly through this post and support me reviewing future toys!) 

AYA, Wearable Vibrator in action!

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