My Solo Christmas

Solo Christmas

This year, I am alone for Christmas.  Did I arrive here by choice, circumstance, or simply a series of ill-timed events, it’s difficult to say.  But, the end result remains the same, me, spending the entire day of Christmas, on my own. Earlier this year, I felt empowered to travel by myself. To prove that I could pretty much do anything I put my mind to, but my solo Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with pride, and everything to do with self-preservation.

2021, pretty much kept giving me gifts that I did not want.  From ghoster’s (why the hell were their multiple of those???), to energy vampires, to health issues (not mine thankfully, but of a person who has played a major role in my life), and let us not forget grief (losing not one, but two inspirational woman was a bit much). And yet, here I sit, typing this out with my metal Christmas playlist, feeling a strange sense of hope for the new year.

Sure, I have spent the last two or three days crying every few moments that I am alone with my thoughts.  And I anticipate that Christmas Day will be ripe with tears, a lot of self-reflection, and meditation.  But, there will be a specific aim, to let the year go.  To take the time to forgive those who wished to do harm, and celebrate all the incredible souls who stepped up, and made me feel loved.  There were a lot of people who showed their true colours over the pandemic, for better and for worse.  I can only hope that the worst ones are gone from my world. Le sigh… it’s been a year.

There is another reason it feels appropriate to be alone for this day of green and red, and that is, Christmas is a holiday to spend with your nearest and dearest. Christmas is the holiday of love. And we are inundated with stories of caution, warning us that Christmas heartache will turn us into Scrooge or The Grinch.  And quite frankly, I just cannot risk tempting fate in that way.  I would rather be by myself, than take a risk of being with someone who could potentially spoil this season for me permanently!  And truly, with my lack of luck this year, that is exactly what would happen!

For the next few days, I’m going to fly quietly under the radar.  I won’t be putting myself out there.  There will be zero risk taking (which if you know me is not my norm). And if all goes well, there will be zero new stories of my random, and strange life.  I will attempt to understand, reflect, and maybe jot down some stories, rather than spend any more energy making new memories.  This solo Christmas is a choice I hope I never have to make again. But, it is a choice, that I am making, with intent and purpose. 

I wish each of you out there the happiest of holidays, and all the warmest wishes for an absolutely incredible new year!  Peace, love, and happiness for 2022. And of course, the hugest thanks to everyone who kept the beer money flowing during 2021 via my Patreon.

Accepting Our Past

Accepting our Past

I have reached a strange point in my finding new people path, in which, I need to accept that we all have pasts and perhaps even a skeleton or two.  I have been in my head for so long, fearful, that I would be judged for having a non-monogamous past, that I forgot something simple, others have lived experiences too that may be different from mine.  Writing those words down, it seems so clear, and rational.  Of course, other people have pasts, and of course there might be some adjusting I need to do to get to know them.  And this, is the key point that honestly has been holding me back, and I needed to understand, we need to accept our past.

Thank goodness for the calmness I find in yoga and stretching or I might not have got here.  Well, and also the rational and brutally honest voice of one of my dearest friends, who manages to amaze me with her frank cutting through of all the BS that clouds my judgment.  And while I don’t ever recall having this precise conversation with her, I do know what she would say to me, if I vocalized that I was worried about my past in her.  Her response would be curt, and so full of love and wisdom, the perfect balance to have in a friend.  Haha.  Ultimately, she would look at this post, and just roll her eyes, that this wasn’t just obvious to me. Of course, I am not the only one on the planet going into new relationships with baggage or things from my past.

 

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And well, she’s completely right, or would be if I dared ask her, but it was difficult to see.  I spend so much time writing about this big thing, (to me), and it’s hard not to go into the real world and feel that someone out there will think it is too big for them.  And of course, that means they are not the right human for me. In the here and now though, it can feel like a barrier. Something insurmountable, and somehow makes me unlovable. Can you build trust with someone who had a sexually non-monogamous past? The Dirty Stigma around Non-Monogamy is a whole other box to unpack.

I made a huge mistake earlier in the year by not telling a person I was interested in about the topic of my would be book, and blog.  And it ate me up inside.  It was the exact scenario whereby I kept meaning to tell him, and then, I just wouldn’t and more days would go by.  To be fair, neither of us talked about our pasts.  We were very much experiencing life in the present, with zero talk of future.  However, the feeling was uncomfortable and not one that I want to repeat.  And thus, here I am trying to do better, and be less fearful of my past relationship department. And the best advice I can give myself, is to put myself in their shoes, and realize they have a past too.  Now… onto the next puzzle, and that is finding a person who wants to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Ooph!

Thank you to everyone who has bought me a beer this year! I have some very fun photos planned for December on my IG and Patreon…. so stay tuned!

Stop Preying on the Vulnerable

No Means NO!

Dramatic Big Cliff Photo for Effect!

I shouldn’t have to have my guard up when I am being vulnerable: And yet, here we are again.  A lot has happened in my personal life over the past month or so, and in order to understand it and process, I write about it. Yet, without fail, when I show the slightest vulnerability, my DM’s get flooded with personal messages from strangers asking if I’m OK. If there is anything they can do, and wishing that they lived closer so they could hug me.  Reality check here, that is predatory behaviour.  Do not think for one freaking second that I do not know what you wish me crying on your shoulder would lead to. As always, no means no!

I make my only presence clear, that I do not like private messages, especially from strangers.  There is no grey area to this.  I am perfectly clear, and repeat myself every few months. And yet, here I am, dealing with something intense and finding that I have to have my guard up against douchebags, preying on my vulnerability.

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I am so freaking done with that behaviour.  So done.  Like beyond done. I deserve to show my feelings in a safe space.  I demand that.  And if you don’t accept that, don’t follow me. But ask yourself first, why you think my feelings and clear demands for consent are not valid to you.  Why do you think you get to supersede my clear words?  Why is it that you believe you are an exception?

Yeah, you’re not going to like that answer if you actually think about it.  Why?  Because, you will find that you are the quintessential “all men” that you probably hate hearing about. Sorry, but I am not sorry! This is ridiculous how many times I have to state the same thing. I should not have to constantly demand respect, not should any other woman.

Yes, I post sexy photos.  Yes, I write about taboo subjects, and absolutely if you follow me on Twitter you will see that I don’t hold much back.  I am real, bold, and proud of who I am!  None of these things should make me a target for dick pictures, lewd messages, or thinly veiled openers to “get inside my private space”.  I am quite comfortable in the public sphere, and believe me, I can handle the majority of people.  What I cannot abide are those individuals who believe rules don’t apply to them. That is a garbage take, and I want you out of my life… right MEOW!

Here is a list, for easy reference of a few other times I have ranted about this, while I sit here baffled that I have to type this out again:

Consent: Why is this Not Getting Through?

Human Beings Have a Right to Say NO

No Means No

Saying No Can be Difficult as a Woman

If you have written anything on this subject, I welcome you to add it to the comments section of this post, or on social media. I will be retweeting all of the articles in hopes of getting through to someone out there who needs to hear this. For those rare individuals who want to atone for bad behaviour of the past, please share this post (after reading a few articles and what others have had to say), and then feel free to buy me a beer via my Patreon!

Solo Road Trip Realizations

AKA – Road Trip Reset

BC is Beautiful Cont….

So, if you’re reading this, you have probably figured out that, yes, I in fact survived my solo road trip!  Woo hoo.  And, I am happy to report, it was wonderful, empowering, and all the things I needed it to be.  I slept alone in my car, I took lots of walks in nature with my dog, even more photos, and I drank some really great beer.  But something more important happened on this trip, I allowed myself a mental break from thinking about the men who are, just not quite in my life. And this was exactly what I needed to do, a road trip reset.

This trip was only about me being in nature, writing, and just driving on the open road.  At home, I have been feeling a strange pressure to find a man, settle down, and there is some sort of guilt in the fact that it is taking me so long to get the man I want.  But out there, in the mountains, I reset. It was a hard reset, and it freed my mind.  As an added bonus, I got my solo power back.  I accomplished the goal that took me two seasons to achieve, and that was this very road trip. I don’t like being held back by fear, or told that I cannot do something.  Two nights sleeping in the woods alone, proved to myself that I could in fact do all the things I want to.

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I rebuilt trust in myself to make good decisions, and have some adventures.  It was a win that I dearly needed.  And before anyone asks, there were absolutely zero temptations to meet up with anyone.  I actually enjoyed my own company, and for the first time probably this year, I didn’t feel lonely. I was in total control, and it was empowering.

I have tried the mantra of “enjoy the happy ride”, or just to go with the flow.  But ultimately, that is just not me.  I want what I want, and I am willing to try a number of different ways in order to achieve that goal.  I am responsible for my own happiness, and cannot let the empathic side of me overshadow what I want to accomplish.  To deny myself autonomy and the ability to fight for what I want, is to ignore who I am.  And for what? To hope someone else will care about my wants or needs?  F that!  Doing that, has brought me no joy.  I would rather a firm door slammed in my face, than continue to tread lightly. And by that I mean, just being me, with a take it or leave it attitude.  I love being silly, letting my hair down, and being playful. But, I have been lost in the idea that I have to first prove my accomplishments and earn my place through, oh frick I don’t know what I was thinking.  I was just scared of not being valued for who I am, and like I said, this road trip was the hard reset I needed.

So, with that, expect an update on my book, some more sexy photo shoots, and an update on a project that I am working on!  And of course, I will keep you updated on my love life, because, aren’t relationships and breaking away from the norm what this blog is all about?

Third Time’s a Charm Right? And I Don’t Mean Men!

BC is Beautiful!

Earlier this year, I came up with this idea that I wanted to take some solo road trips (with my furry friend) and explore Alberta and BC.  I had it all figured out, and would take every weekend off of my evening job so that I could get some me time, writing in nature, and exploring on my terms.  No one to answer to, and no obligations.  I would drink when I wanted, eat, and sleep on my schedule.  And the best part, I could get some serious writing time in.  Well, as the title suggests, this, so far has not gone to plan.

My first solo trip pretty much ended and if I am honest, began with me in tears.  I got the car all packed up in the pouring rain, drove in frustration for an hour, and then everything really went amuck.  I don’t want to bore you with the rainy details of all the soggy sights I did not actually leave my car to see. Or the fact that my dog started panting about an hour and a half in (which did not cease for 5 freaking hours). Or the engine light coming on.  And wait, there is more… I was pretty much followed at every single off road exit I took and completely overwhelmed by cars choosing to park right beside me (in empty fields) numerous times. And the one guy who parked behind me and shone his high beams into my car for over an hour.  It was a deserted rest stop, and I was trying to lay down in the back and do some writing.  Exhausted, frustrated, and worried I might have broken my car, I drove home in defeat.  Oh, sorry, I bored you with the details after all. My bad!

The second trip, a few months later (because I needed to sufficiently lick the wounds from my bruised ego), went a little better.  I drove to BC, found a beautiful campsite to write in. Drank a beer, and ate my homemade lunch in the sunshine.  I even managed to do some actual writing at both a brewery and outside!  Rejoice… I could actually travel by myself.  Oh wait… it was time for bed, and that’s when I became a total stress case.  Where could I sleep?  What if someone broke in?  Wait, can I actually sleep in nature by myself?  Sorry Bowser, but you don’t have much in the way of intimidation.  So, I parked by the river and proceeded to crash for a few hours, and then drive my little butt right back home.  It was marginally better, but still, I couldn’t figure out what was making this so hard.

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And then I realized, it was the mental block of solo travelling. Men, you may have difficulties understanding this, but just being a woman out in the world comes with obstacles. Ladies, have you ever put your keys in between your knuckles while walking across a parking lot, just in case someone jumped you?  Have you ever sat at a bar, had a few drinks, then been followed to your car by a complete stranger?  What about having someone walk just way to close to you in the grocery store, leering in every isle?  Look, I think of myself as a confident, independent woman who can pretty much handle herself in any situation. But, what if something bad should actually happen to me.  Do you think I would get sympathy or even help?  Nope, the reality is I would be met with judgment for travelling alone. And then shamed with an, I told you so. Or wouldn’t it be better if you just waited to travel when you had a partner?

Here is a random memory that I think explains where I am coming from.  When I was 16 I had a job, and was able to buy my first car.  Here I was, driving to a friends house when boom, I hit the curb and blew a tire.  It was completely my fault and I was horrified.  I tried calling my parents, but both of them were busy, so I locked my car and hopped on a bus, headed for home to wait until they were free.  An hour later, my uncle called and he picked me up, drove me to my car, and proceeded to change my tire for me.  I asked him to show me what to do, in case this should happen in the future. His response was that it would be too difficult for me to do, and the I should have just flashed my bare leg towards traffic and hope that a kind male stranger would come to my rescue.  Yup.  Rather than empower me with the tools to tackle this myself, I was told that I was weak, and needed to use my sexuality or feminine whiles to achieve my goals.

And this life lesson has stuck with me, my whole adult life.  Thus, here I am, finally understanding the real reason I feel compelled to tackle a solo road trip by myself, even though it is difficult for me.  Everything about the trip, I love doing: Sleeping in the car, exploring nature with my dog, drinking at breweries, and writing whenever I feel like it or inspiration strikes.  But, there is something about putting everything together in one weekend that makes me feel like I can’t.  Like somehow, something bad is going to happen and I will need a male rescue.  It is a sucky feeling.  But here I am, tackling this beast again, with my optimistic self in full force, hopeful that this third time is the charm to breaking this spell.

Stay tuned… oh, and while you wait, feel free to check out my Patreon for all my bonus content. Or if you love boobs and beer, pop on over to my IG!