AKA The Dreaded 39
Next week, I’m turning the dreaded 39. It is not that I am afraid or uncomfortable about getting older, I just don’t enjoy this particular number. Odd numbers are just more difficult for me in general, but this one, it just hits harder for some reason. In my mind 39 feels ugly, if that makes any sense. Which truly is odd because it is one of the more interesting numbers to turn from a mathematical perspective will all the divisible delights. I should be more OK with it than I am. And yet, here I sit, quite puzzled by where I am at in the grand scheme of things.
My book, is in its finally stages. I am currently experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy) like I have NEVER experienced before. And I have experienced more days than not in the past few months whereby I feel like the best version of myself. All in all, I am happy with my present, and optimistic about my future. The hard work I have put into pretty much everything is finally showing me a little bit of a return for investment. But again… why reach this place when turning 39???
Last year, I wrote about my 38th birthday in: 38 My Year of the Flamingo | Breaking Away from Monogamy and it really was. I begrudgingly accepted being single, and put my effort into accomplishing my goals. Embracing my awkward flamingo self helped me laugh off the many, many, many, moments of self doubt, loneliness, and outright failures. I can honestly say that while I embraced being that lone entity standing in the middle of water, it was a very slow process for me to open my eyes to those who were around me. There were definitely a few cuts that were made, but surprisingly more often than not, I started to really feel honest gratitude towards those who I found myself standing close to. While we all have our own unique paths, my flock is incredibly amazing, and over the last year, I have taken the time to seriously reflect on how and why that happened.
It turns out that it wasn’t by chance. I realized, that I have been putting direct, and clear messaging out into the universe about who I wanted in my life. This, has been a major turning point for me, because my previous experiences taught me that self-preservation was made possible only by recognizing what I didn’t want. I didn’t feel brave or confident enough to just ask for what I did want. I am humbled by the realization that being clear and communicative with both myself and those around me, is working.
The word working, doesn’t quite convey the sentiment, but, it’s a starting point, and I think reflects what I really feel in this moment. I don’t want to get too excited, because with the book especially, there is still a long and arduous journey to go. And although difficult, I’m being fed on more than just hopes and dreams right now. I am actually feeling re-filled, and energized from entities that are not just self created.
39 is still a weird number to me. But, I think I am going to look back and laugh at how strange this number felt, by this time next year. I’m cautiously optimistic that I have just found something dare I say someone pretty incredible, and that finally finishing my book is going to provide me with… well… something fairly monumental. And none of this would be made possible without the incredible inner circle that I have in my life right now, and in this moment… I truly love you all!
A heartfelt cheers to all past and present who have bought me birthday beer either in person or via my Patreon! If you haven’t yet, don’t worry, there is always time!