The Rollercoaster of My Life

Yoga Calming the Rollercoaster

The past few days have been a shiny example of the rollercoaster of life, and true to form I am going to openly and honestly share a few of the highlights and my thoughts. My personal life is going through some pretty significant changes. I am questioning what I want from future relationships and openly exploring what that might look like for myself, and those around me.  My book has taken what I consider to be an incredible turn, and I am writing with more passion and purpose than I have in a long time.  Also, I have met a person who is treating me the way I had always hoped was possible but never dreamed I deserved. It’s new, fresh, and very exiting.  And while I am just trying to live in the moment, and take things that are really new day by day, it’s difficult not to look back on my past and wonder why I made certain decisions.

While all these pretty significant things are going on and bringing me beautiful little highs, I am getting slammed back into reality at what seems every fricken turn. Physically I am in a pain, but healing from a sprained wrist and body aches from an icy fall I had. Emotionally, I am at a place where I am trying to be vulnerable with one person, and putting up walls and boundaries with another. It is an exhausting struggle, that multiple times during the day I worry that I am just going to break, say the wrong thing, or cave all together. The balancing act is treacherous, and I look forward to the day when all this emotional regulating pays off. Unfortunately, I see no end in sight, and that makes my emotions difficult to anticipate. Which in turn, makes me a little volatile, and wanting to just run away to some safe haven, and hunker down until everything has stabilized.

So, while all the real world stuff is playing ping pong with my emotions, I spent yesterday reading the comment section from my last blog post. Not only, did I get to read fully unsubstantiated claims, I also found out that my troll is back. Normally I just smile, and calmly respond to haters (I’ve done it for years and am pretty adept at not taking things personally), but yesterday, it broke me. Call it bad timing, or whatever you want, but honestly, I just dropped my head down on my desk and started crying.

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Breaking Away from Monogamy is my blog. It is filled with my words, my experiences, and my truth. To have that questioned, and then my integrity called out within a few hours by multiple people just shook me. Yes, I recognize that by admitting that the troll got to me, I am opening myself to more trolling. When it comes to random internet attention seeking there is nothing I can do or say to make it stop aside from ignore it which I usually end up doing. Today however, I am choosing to be honest in saying that the so called “truth” seeker is a thorn in my side. And the timing of that person coming back into my life just plain sucks.

But, here I sit, writing about all these rollercoaster events happening, and thanks to an amazing nights sleep, I may finally be regulating on the side of that little thing called hope. There are great human beings out there. A few of you even reached out and supported me yesterday, which was beyond appreciated. And that is what I will try and focus on. Hope is healing me. And I wish the same for each and every one of you out there. Take a pause and focus on one tiny thing that glimmers with possibilities. Hold that in your mind, visualize it, materialize it before you, and let that be your 2021 ray of sunshine. I’ve got my hope written on my calendar beside me, and I read it every morning and smile. And I want all of you to have the same.

For all the behind the scenes photos and a full collection of my work, please consider subscribing to my Patreon. Stay for an hour, a week, whatever you choose my gratitude will be the same, huge!

Breaking Away: My Podcast is Back!

I am very excited to announce that I finally struck inspiration and will be relaunching my podcast!!! And while I dearly want to write out a long explanation as to where Breaking Away is headed that would defeat the purpose of recording Episode 6!  So without further ado, please click on the icon and have a listen!

Exploring Together, a new outlook!

I look forward to your questions, comments, and sharing this exciting exploration of shame free sex positive exploration. And for those who love early access and bonus content, please consider subscribing to my Patreon.

That Tingly Feeling When the Numbness Leaves

A Little Update…

That tingly feeling

I cannot believe that it has been a year since I wrote my piece on Breaking Free From Gaslighting.  When I wrote it last June, I thought that I was in a situation where life was completely hopeless and perhaps writing about the past situation would grant me a little mental relief.  I was in a hopeless teeter-totter of emotions where the only thing I could do was control my own reactions, because there was nothing I could do solve the inherent problem.  It was actually a pretty interesting game of mental gymnastics on my part. 

First, I would cry, get angry, basically go through all the stages of grief. Then I would have this wave of motivation and just start creating new things like a person possessed.  Fueling my creativity with all the negative thoughts that were just there. I was locked in this back and forth, until suddenly, something completely outside of my control happened, depression.  My house became plagued with this treacherous beast and we were powerless to stop it. I will save the details for another time, but I will say time lost all meaning. I was no longer coping, I was in full survival mode, and not just for me, but my household too. And that was the moment I did the only I knew how to do, go numb.

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When I was a small child, I learn how to go numb as a defence mechanism when a bunch of horrible crap was occurring around me and I had no tools to deal with it. And well, that whole ice queen persona stuck with me well into my 20’s.  When I finally learned how to laugh, and be a sex positive person, I figured I would never fall back into that numb place, but last summer, I did.  What’s more, I have had to stay in a state of numbness up until this week.  Why? Because as the gaslighter continued to exert his control over me, I was powerless.  The only solution was out of my control, and all I could do was guide the process or stand idly by as best I could (which I am not good at!). 

Maybe you have felt this? Perhaps I am describing a situation that feels so foreign to you, you want to reach out and hug me, or worse, pity me.  Wherever you fall reading that purposefully vague statement (privacy is paramount here, as I don’t want to go from one legal battle directly into another one), I hope you understand one thing, I survived.  And now, I have that tingly feeling all over my body from where that numbness was.  It feels euphoric, brings me to tears with that release, and then just has me grinning.  I feel like I am waking up. 

Thank you all for participating and supporting the first week of the sex positive 30 day challenge because honestly, this gave me a purpose.  I chose a project that required skills far beyond my comfort zone (graphic design) and forced me to put myself out there, just as much as I was asking all of you to be.  And it has grounded me for an hour or so, every day, while I try and rectify my new reality and emotions.  Having the constant burden of fear no longer blocking my path to happiness is a pretty intense feeling. I thank you all for reading up to this point!  Your support has been pretty damn integral to focusing my tingly feeling on something tangible rather than just melting into a puddle of giggly goo.

So, that is the brief update on where this sex positive blogger is at with her life… the tingly road to freedom!  And now, back to the #sexpositive30days challenge!

For all the behind the scenes content, and to show a little extra support for this blog, please check out my Patreon!

My Life May Never Be Perfect: Encore

Raw and Intense

The last post I wrote was raw and intense.  And the reason for writing and sharing it, was completely selfish.  I felt so much better with the cry during the typing and then that sweet release I felt when I published it.  It was a post for me.  A way of sorting my thoughts out, just like I did when I first started blogging. My blog is all about problem solving for me.  And after I wrote it, I was able to have a much clearer conversation with my partner about just how important it is for me to accept what I have, not to bite off too much, and to take joy in the here and now.  Again, my life is not perfect, but what is the point of just hoping and waiting for the future to bring me the riches (not monetary, just in general) that I fantasize about.  Why do I so often feel that I do not deserve to be happy right now?

That is the crux isn’t it?  I know dating women right now would be a disaster, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the fantasy of it.  In fact, I have been refraining from writing any erotica as of late, in fear of getting too swept up in something I may not ever achieve.  I have long suffered from an affliction of not daring to get my hopes up, because I always feel let down.  And that down I feel, is just too much for my little self to handle.  So, I try and moderate my emotions.  I try to… force a balance? I’m not sure if that makes sense to the majority of people.  But, as best I can describe it is, I can get intensely excited about things, but due to being let down so many times, I try and moderate how excited I let myself get.  In order to regulate the possible downward spiral, I actually prevent my brain from over indulging my expectations.

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If any of you out there do that, now would be an amazing time to reach out and tell me I am not alone in this… le sigh.

But back to the post at hand.  Since writing that last post, I have taken positive action in my life.  I have enjoyed taking breaks during the day.  Reveled in getting out of the house, and even started to chat with a few dear friends that I have not reached out to in a long time.  For you see, I had let myself believe that I would be a burden to them during the bulk of my last years depression and mental struggles.  And, as much as they tell me I wouldn’t have been, everyone has their own shit to deal with, and I just would have felt guilty adding to that, with my hopeless situation.  But here I sit, typing, with a few coffees on the books, and some one on one time with dear people in my future.  This is a major positive shift in my mental state. 

And that really is why I am writing this post.  I am not out of the woods, and I may never be.  But here I sit, taking a bit of pride in what I have achieved.  Instead of writing a daily task list that I feel guilty about not being able to achieve, I am writing a weekly one.  I am taking breaks to play a little VR.  And I am taking a French course.  Personal betterment is one of my biggest goals, and being able to share what I have learned is… well… it leaves me a little speechless and tongue tied (ironically). Breaking the cycle of not believing you deserve to be happy until you achieve a lifelong goal is tough.  I am not excelling at this, by any stretch of the imagination.  With that being said though, I am finally celebrating small victories, and I’m hoping that shift in thinking will break through the wall of not being good enough bit by bit. 

Thank you all for the love and support, and I hope at least a few of you appreciate the raw and real, versus the whole non-monogamy and relationships are always peachy all the time sort of blogs.  Being in a good state of mind is key, and that is relationship priority number one.  After that, well, the possibilities are endless!

If you loved the photo, and want to see more, why not check out my Patreon page?

Self Pleasure Challenge

Aka My First Giveaway!

Self Pleasure Challenge

As 2019 comes to an end, I have come to value and understand the importance of self care, and the exploration of pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. Self care is amazing for my mental health, and pushing my limits brings adventure and meaning to my life. With that in mind, I wanted to find a fun way to share these life lessons, that of course I learned the hard way, with all of you. So I came up with a concept of the self pleasure challenge/giveaway with my incredible sponsor Betty’s Toy Box.

The rules are simple:

  1. Purchase a new item for self pleasure.  It doesn’t have to be through Betty’s Toy Box, but if you do, I can save you a little money and you support this blog (just type BreakingAway at checkout)
  2. Write down 2 or 3 words that best describe why you chose that toy or self pleasure product
  3. Take a picture of it in the box to share with me via Twitter (DM’s and private messages are open if you are not comfortable sharing publicly), or via Patreon
  4. Then Boom! I will enter your name into a draw to take place 6 weeks from now (January 28th, 2020), and you can win an actual item from Betty’s Toy Box (see dildo pictured above)!

This contest is designed so we can have some fun, try something new, and start 2020 on the best note possible. I will be sharing what I have learned and the exploration of my new toy (as pictured above) and I hope you do the same with me! Being sex positive is about more than just being comfortable talking about sex. It’s about sharing all the diverse ways that we can find pleasure and joy in our daily lives! So, are you up for the challenge?

Looking for an extra chance to win? All Patreon subscribers are automatically given one bonus entry, and of course the behind the scenes photos! So enjoy!