I am very excited to announce that I finally struck inspiration and will be relaunching my podcast!!! And while I dearly want to write out a long explanation as to where Breaking Away is headed that would defeat the purpose of recording Episode 6! So without further ado, please click on the icon and have a listen!
I look forward to your questions, comments, and sharing this exciting exploration of shame free sex positive exploration. And for those who love early access and bonus content, please consider subscribing to my Patreon.
I cannot believe that it has been a year since I wrote my piece on Breaking Free From Gaslighting. When I wrote it last June, I thought that I was in a situation where life was completely hopeless and perhaps writing about the past situation would grant me a little mental relief. I was in a hopeless teeter-totter of emotions where the only thing I could do was control my own reactions, because there was nothing I could do solve the inherent problem. It was actually a pretty interesting game of mental gymnastics on my part.
First, I would cry, get angry, basically go through all the
stages of grief. Then I would have this wave of motivation and just start
creating new things like a person possessed.
Fueling my creativity with all the negative thoughts that were just
there. I was locked in this back and forth, until suddenly, something completely
outside of my control happened, depression. My house became plagued with this treacherous
beast and we were powerless to stop it. I will save the details for another
time, but I will say time lost all meaning. I was no longer coping, I was in
full survival mode, and not just for me, but my household too. And that was the
moment I did the only I knew how to do, go numb.
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When I was a small child, I learn how to go numb as a defence mechanism when a bunch of horrible crap was occurring around me and I had no tools to deal with it. And well, that whole ice queen persona stuck with me well into my 20’s. When I finally learned how to laugh, and be a sex positive person, I figured I would never fall back into that numb place, but last summer, I did. What’s more, I have had to stay in a state of numbness up until this week. Why? Because as the gaslighter continued to exert his control over me, I was powerless. The only solution was out of my control, and all I could do was guide the process or stand idly by as best I could (which I am not good at!).
Maybe you have felt this? Perhaps I am describing a situation that feels so foreign to you, you want to reach out and hug me, or worse, pity me. Wherever you fall reading that purposefully vague statement (privacy is paramount here, as I don’t want to go from one legal battle directly into another one), I hope you understand one thing, I survived. And now, I have that tingly feeling all over my body from where that numbness was. It feels euphoric, brings me to tears with that release, and then just has me grinning. I feel like I am waking up.
Thank you all for participating and supporting the first week of the sex positive 30 day challenge because honestly, this gave me a purpose. I chose a project that required skills far beyond my comfort zone (graphic design) and forced me to put myself out there, just as much as I was asking all of you to be. And it has grounded me for an hour or so, every day, while I try and rectify my new reality and emotions. Having the constant burden of fear no longer blocking my path to happiness is a pretty intense feeling. I thank you all for reading up to this point! Your support has been pretty damn integral to focusing my tingly feeling on something tangible rather than just melting into a puddle of giggly goo.
So, that is the brief update on where this sex positive blogger is at with her life… the tingly road to freedom! And now, back to the #sexpositive30days challenge!
For all the behind the scenes content, and to show a little extra support for this blog, please check out my Patreon!
The last post I wrote was raw and intense. And the reason for writing and sharing it, was completely selfish. I felt so much better with the cry during the typing and then that sweet release I felt when I published it. It was a post for me. A way of sorting my thoughts out, just like I did when I first started blogging. My blog is all about problem solving for me. And after I wrote it, I was able to have a much clearer conversation with my partner about just how important it is for me to accept what I have, not to bite off too much, and to take joy in the here and now. Again, my life is not perfect, but what is the point of just hoping and waiting for the future to bring me the riches (not monetary, just in general) that I fantasize about. Why do I so often feel that I do not deserve to be happy right now?
That is the crux isn’t it?
I know dating women right now would be a disaster, but that doesn’t mean
that I can’t enjoy the fantasy of it. In
fact, I have been refraining from writing any erotica as of late, in fear of
getting too swept up in something I may not ever achieve. I have long suffered from an affliction of
not daring to get my hopes up, because I always feel let down. And that down I feel, is just too much for my
little self to handle. So, I try and
moderate my emotions. I try to… force a
balance? I’m not sure if that makes sense to the majority of people. But, as best I can describe it is, I can get
intensely excited about things, but due to being let down so many times, I try
and moderate how excited I let myself get.
In order to regulate the possible downward spiral, I actually prevent my
brain from over indulging my expectations.
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If any of you out there do that, now would be an amazing
time to reach out and tell me I am not alone in this… le sigh.
But back to the post at hand. Since writing that last post, I have taken
positive action in my life. I have
enjoyed taking breaks during the day.
Reveled in getting out of the house, and even started to chat with a few
dear friends that I have not reached out to in a long time. For you see, I had let myself believe that I
would be a burden to them during the bulk of my last years depression and
mental struggles. And, as much as they
tell me I wouldn’t have been, everyone has their own shit to deal with, and I
just would have felt guilty adding to that, with my hopeless situation. But here I sit, typing, with a few coffees on
the books, and some one on one time with dear people in my future. This is a major positive shift in my mental
And that really is why I am writing this post. I am not out of the woods, and I may never be. But here I sit, taking a bit of pride in what I have achieved. Instead of writing a daily task list that I feel guilty about not being able to achieve, I am writing a weekly one. I am taking breaks to play a little VR. And I am taking a French course. Personal betterment is one of my biggest goals, and being able to share what I have learned is… well… it leaves me a little speechless and tongue tied (ironically). Breaking the cycle of not believing you deserve to be happy until you achieve a lifelong goal is tough. I am not excelling at this, by any stretch of the imagination. With that being said though, I am finally celebrating small victories, and I’m hoping that shift in thinking will break through the wall of not being good enough bit by bit.
Thank you all for the love and support, and I hope at least a few of you appreciate the raw and real, versus the whole non-monogamy and relationships are always peachy all the time sort of blogs. Being in a good state of mind is key, and that is relationship priority number one. After that, well, the possibilities are endless!
If you loved the photo, and want to see more, why not check out my Patreon page?
As 2019 comes to an end, I have come to value and understand the importance of self care, and the exploration of pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. Self care is amazing for my mental health, and pushing my limits brings adventure and meaning to my life. With that in mind, I wanted to find a fun way to share these life lessons, that of course I learned the hard way, with all of you. So I came up with a concept of the self pleasure challenge/giveaway with my incredible sponsor Betty’s Toy Box.
The rules are simple:
Purchase a new item for self pleasure. It doesn’t have to be through Betty’s Toy Box, but if you do, I can save you a little money and you support this blog (just type BreakingAway at checkout)
Write down 2 or 3 words that best describe why you chose that toy or self pleasure product
Take a picture of it in the box to share with me via Twitter (DM’s and private messages are open if you are not comfortable sharing publicly), or via Patreon
Then Boom! I will enter your name into a draw to take place 6 weeks from now (January 28th, 2020), and you can win an actual item from Betty’s Toy Box (see dildo pictured above)!
This contest is designed so we can have some fun, try something new, and start 2020 on the best note possible. I will be sharing what I have learned and the exploration of my new toy (as pictured above) and I hope you do the same with me! Being sex positive is about more than just being comfortable talking about sex. It’s about sharing all the diverse ways that we can find pleasure and joy in our daily lives! So, are you up for the challenge?
Looking for an extra chance to win? All Patreon subscribers are automatically given one bonus entry, and of course the behind the scenes photos! So enjoy!
Over the past few weeks, I have been branching out my writing, podcasting, and now I need a little bit of help. Some of you have been reading since the very beginning of this blog, while some of you are very new, or just occasional readers. So, no matter how you happen upon this little post, your feedback, and input are equally important.
Breaking Away From Monogamy
Firstly, this blog has and will remain about my random thoughts on everything to do with relationships, non-monogamy, and all subject matters that relate to sex positivity. But further to that, I have developed a sex positive podcast, currently called BreakingAway. In this, my aim to is talk about all subject matter related to being sex positive, sex education, and exploring other people’s relationships and why they are a part of this incredible sex positive community. So, in the comments section, are there any topics that you would like me to explore? What burning questions do you have that you would love to hear me talk about?
Second up, if you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that I have begun to write a few erotic fantasies. So, dear readers, where would the best fit be for me to post these? A few suggestions would be a teaser called blog after dark, whereby I write the first part, and then the second for any Patreon fans who want to read more. Or another suggestion would be for me to add an audio component to my Patreon and actually read a few of these for anyone who wants to read them. I have a few reasons for not wanting this erotic writing to just be free on my blog, is the subject matter. If my website gets flagged for erotica or porn, then I will have major hurdles to deal with when it comes to the branding of it. There are so many new rules right now for the word porn, sex, etc. and really, I just don’t want to have to censor myself. And making these posts public, would mean I have to. So what are your thoughts? How would you want to consume my non-monogamous fantasy shorts? Please write in the comments.
Non-Monogamous Relationship Coaching
Third, is my dating and relationship coaching website. I have been toying with the idea of shutting this down altogether and bringing a few tabs over onto my main blog page breakingawayfrommonogamy. While this would save me a bit of money, ultimately, the majority of you have asked me to keep it separate. So, if you are looking for book reviews, recommendations, non-monogamous dating or relationships coaching I do have a separate website that you can reach me at breakingawayfromrelationshipnorms.com. I have had so many people reach out to me over the years, that it would be a shame to shut down that resource side and that is not what I want to do. I want to be available to help, answer questions, and basically remain a resource. So if you are curious, please feel to reach out to me there, and we can discuss the next steps.
Sex Positive Books and Blogs
Fourth and final thought. Earlier this summer, I announced my newest website which is sex positive books and blogs. The hope was for this to be a resource centre for people to explore media related to being sex positive. I have reached out to a few contributors to share their books, blogs, podcasts, etc and the response has been amazing so far. For my end, it has been a matter of finding the time to ensure that I am promoting and placing your amazing contributions in an easy to use place. This is still a go, but it will take a bit more time before I make it active. So thank you, and please stay tuned on the Twitter news feed for my next announcement.
Contact Me or Comment Below
So, that about summarizes my questions for you. I would love for you to comment, and share your thoughts and ideas about where you want what, and how you best enjoy consuming your sex positive content! If you do feel uncertain about posting publicly, you may also DM or e-mail me. The only caveat if you don’t want to make it public, is that I would ask is you please like this post on whatever social media you see it on so I can get the most feedback possible and best plan for the fall.