My Summer Reflection

Summer Reflection: Cheers!

This summer, has been one of risks, and buckling down and just doing the hard things. I wish that I could say that it was a season that brought conclusions or even certainty, but I’m not sure that’s a place I exist. So, let me share a few milestones that I have worked on, and basically put into my brain, that yes, I may deserve a pat on the back even though I am not quite there. And maybe some kind soul will read this and agree, and perhaps buy me a coffee or a beer via my BreakingAway Patreon page? Any who, let me share a few of the big things I’m working on.

First and foremost, I am now financially free from my ex. It was exhausting at times, and the final step of a years long process to untangle our lives from each other. We are both in better places apart, and I am grateful that we were able to achieve this goal with civility. With that chapter closed, I was able to put the money from my separation to great use, and have made real progress in my future finances. I have struggled with money for decades, and I am proud to say that I have turned the corner with a real end in sight. I am finally in control of my own future.

Now with that freedom, something else that I knew would happen, was an emotional release. And well, what that means for all you is that, I have been able to put the hard words on paper when it comes to the book I am working on. Yup, I am actively finishing my final edit, which, come hell or high water I will begin the pitching process and outside editing pain. I’m the closest I have ever been to finishing this, and with the fear comes this strange feeling of readiness. I am ready to let this project go out into the world, fear and all.

So, now, let me get to the summer of love summary. Well, I am no closer to an answer than when this summer started. Real connections have been made, and while I have no clue what the future will hold, I will say, I believe this was the summer of friendship. Clearly that is not where I want these stories to end, but, I am resting easy in the knowledge that none of this effort has been wasted. I have met and interacted with incredible people, and I feel rich in the knowledge that real friendships have been forged out of this. Yeah, there has been a lot of crap, and a heap of rough stuff to navigate, sorry to my nearest and dearest for having to listen to it all, but ultimately, there have been no regrets this summer. I took risks, shared real feelings, and had some intense conversations, and even better, I had some really fun moments, and a lot of laughter.

So, those are some of my summer reflections. Yes, I know the season isn’t over yet, and of course being me there is so much more to come, but… I wanted to take pause and give myself a reason to enjoy a few moments. I have worked hard, and even though the joy is by myself, I am patting myself on the back. The hard work will pay off. And the journey, well… it’s been an adventure!

Boy Free Zone… ?!?

Boy Free Zone

It’s been 2 months of living solo, and whether by design, necessity, or circumstance, my new place has turned into a boy free zone. And I am not quite sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, having a place where not one man has my address is completely freeing. And thus, it has become my sanctuary.  On the other hand, it’s tough to know for sure if this is due to me just not feeling anyone is worthy of coming over, or if I’ve just been holding out for that one special person. If you had asked me 5 years ago if I even thought there was just one special person, I would have said hell no!  We can have multiple, and thus, by extension, I should by now, have given my address to multiple men, living wildly in my free and single youth-ish? Yet, here I sit, in my boy free zone.

I’ve written a few times in my Medium articles about this idea that any relationship is valid, so long as you and your partner choose it.  And this, this is the relationship I want.  One that works for my partner and I.  One that we come up with together, suits our lifestyles, and brings both of us the highest possible level of joy. First though, I have to find that partner.  Wait… am I even doing this right?  Is this even a thing?  Am I once again, out on an ideological limb, forging a path in the most dense forest I can possibly find?

Now though, I am just not sure what I want in a long term relationship.  I know, for my regular readers you’ve seen my back and forth over the past few years, with my uncertainty becoming more and more prominent. And of course I know that that is not the way I am supposed to do things. As time goes on, I am supposed to gain clarity and a sense of what I want. But… and here is the big but… I am stuck with the idea that I must first discover who I want.  And that, will lead me to discover what type of relationship I will want to forge.

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Yeah, probably.  Because that seems to be what I do best.  Get an idea, then just run with it, headstrong and fancy free?!?  So, again that brings me to this whole “no boys allowed” thing. If I want a partner, and I want to forge my own path, why I am being so protective about my space?  Why am I not allowing boys to come on over?  Again, I find myself with more questions than answers, clinging to this hope that this will all work out for me.  It must, right?!?!

I have a year lease, so I hope that at some point over the next year, I get to write about actually having my first boy over!  Cause that would be pretty spectacular!  But, with my luck lately, I should probably not try and get too far ahead of myself.  Baby steps.  One little plan at a time.  For now, boy free is working, or I have just accepted that it is what it is. I do hope that special soul is out there, wanting to be the first one invited.  But my life continues to remain weird.

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Aftershocks, Butterflies, and NRE: A Deeper Dive

Musing about Aftershocks

Ok, let us delve a little deeper into this whole aftershock conversation.  One of the most surprising things to be brought up, is the correlation between aftershocks and NRE (new relationship energy). Now this is a fascinating rabbit hole that I am eager to go down.  I personally have always equated NRE with the butterflies and have written a few articles on how I adore chasing butterflies.  In fact, that is precisely what made non-monogamy so appealing to me. The idea of being in a solid relationship and not having to shut off the possibilities of experiencing butterflies with new people.

But what if what I was describing with sexual aftershocks has some sort of correlation with NRE?  Butterflies and NRE for me, have been this sheer blissful, shocking, happiness wave of new excitement.  Whereas with the aftershocks, it is entirely sexual in nature and is basically like little reminiscent orgasms when I experience a memory.  And the memory could be as far back as with my first relationship, or first time masturbating with a new toy, or the like. They are random and unexpected body sparking orgasmic memories. And yes, often it overlaps with NRE, or the butterflies, but I’m not positive that this is a correlation vs causation scenario.  It feels different to me somehow.

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I get the butterfly feeling when I flirt, or see a cute face (or butt). But, cannot get that aftershock feeling unless there has been a physical connection. It’s like the release of stored or shared energy.   Haha… I’m really trying to explain this, and all I am doing is turning myself on!  I of course, want everything.  The sex, the aftershocks, the butterflies, and the NRE.  Yes, please universe, yes please!

Now, these are only my thoughts, based on my experience. Maybe I’m overlooking something. I really want to hear from you, and your thoughts. Where do you fall on this?  Have you had aftershocks? What is the experience like for you? Do you know any resources that discuss this? Let’s talk about this! 

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Solo Road Trip Realizations

AKA – Road Trip Reset

BC is Beautiful Cont….

So, if you’re reading this, you have probably figured out that, yes, I in fact survived my solo road trip!  Woo hoo.  And, I am happy to report, it was wonderful, empowering, and all the things I needed it to be.  I slept alone in my car, I took lots of walks in nature with my dog, even more photos, and I drank some really great beer.  But something more important happened on this trip, I allowed myself a mental break from thinking about the men who are, just not quite in my life. And this was exactly what I needed to do, a road trip reset.

This trip was only about me being in nature, writing, and just driving on the open road.  At home, I have been feeling a strange pressure to find a man, settle down, and there is some sort of guilt in the fact that it is taking me so long to get the man I want.  But out there, in the mountains, I reset. It was a hard reset, and it freed my mind.  As an added bonus, I got my solo power back.  I accomplished the goal that took me two seasons to achieve, and that was this very road trip. I don’t like being held back by fear, or told that I cannot do something.  Two nights sleeping in the woods alone, proved to myself that I could in fact do all the things I want to.

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I rebuilt trust in myself to make good decisions, and have some adventures.  It was a win that I dearly needed.  And before anyone asks, there were absolutely zero temptations to meet up with anyone.  I actually enjoyed my own company, and for the first time probably this year, I didn’t feel lonely. I was in total control, and it was empowering.

I have tried the mantra of “enjoy the happy ride”, or just to go with the flow.  But ultimately, that is just not me.  I want what I want, and I am willing to try a number of different ways in order to achieve that goal.  I am responsible for my own happiness, and cannot let the empathic side of me overshadow what I want to accomplish.  To deny myself autonomy and the ability to fight for what I want, is to ignore who I am.  And for what? To hope someone else will care about my wants or needs?  F that!  Doing that, has brought me no joy.  I would rather a firm door slammed in my face, than continue to tread lightly. And by that I mean, just being me, with a take it or leave it attitude.  I love being silly, letting my hair down, and being playful. But, I have been lost in the idea that I have to first prove my accomplishments and earn my place through, oh frick I don’t know what I was thinking.  I was just scared of not being valued for who I am, and like I said, this road trip was the hard reset I needed.

So, with that, expect an update on my book, some more sexy photo shoots, and an update on a project that I am working on!  And of course, I will keep you updated on my love life, because, aren’t relationships and breaking away from the norm what this blog is all about?

The Power of Touch

My Lament

The Power of Touch

With the conclusion of every relationship, I look back, and allow my mind to openly accept the red flags that I willingly chose to ignore. We’ve all done it. And I will probably continue to do it. When you are in love with someone you might call these things compromises, or just accept them.  But when you are out of love, they are easier to see. And for a person such as myself who has had two 8 plus year long relationships in a row, I am taking things a step further, and seeing the concessions I made with both men. In this lament, I am going to talk about touch, or rather the lack of it. In short, touch has power, and when I can’t have it, I should walk away, right?

I grew up in a family that hugs and kisses each other… a lot! Touch was quite natural amongst family, but, like any good teenager, I ended up rebelling in my late teens and took a hard stance against hugs of any kind. At the time, I was also with a man who hated/feared intimacy. Unless our clothes were off, there was no hugging, kissing, touching, or hand holding. Touch was just not a thing, and lead me to write about the anti-seductive power of touch.

Fast forward to my last long term relationship where I was granted about 50 percent more out of bedroom intimacy. I honestly felt like I hit the jackpot. Those first few years were ripe with PDA, and all sorts of clothed touch, well, except for one key thing, he refused to hold my hand. In fact, any sort of hand holding in or out of the bedroom would result in an almost anxiety inducing moment for him. But, the hugs, were there, and I felt my self esteem and confidence boost to the point that I started hugging my closest friends again.

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It’s weird to admit, but once I felt that tease of touch, it was like the floodgates opened. I became almost insatiable and just wanted constant touch and affection, as if I was some love starved person. Which, it turns out, I actually was but didn’t recognize it at the time. The innate desire for human touch was a symptom of something I could not admit to myself: that this man and I were not right for each other. We were out of sync for a long time, but, life is life, and it kept us together far longer than it ever should have.

Hindsight is a magical thing, that can actually throw a person like me right down a regret filled rabbit hole. Why didn’t he want to hold my hand, say I love you, hug me just because he could? Was I that unlovable? Was/am I not worthy of intimacy or a connection? These questions swirl around when I least expect them, and get almost unbearable when I meet someone new, because guess what? Covid times mean we are universally out of sync with intimacy and human touch. It is such a fun time to be dating, said absolutely no one! We have a social responsibility to keep our distance from people, and what I am finding out, is that my personality type, and issues with touch are not conducive to this. 

But, I will persevere, try not to come on to strong and touchy feely with new people, and just do my best to work out my desire for intimacy alone, in my bedroom with buzzing toys??

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