When You’re Separated by a Screen, Don’t Forget There is a Human on the Other End

Yesterday something happened while on a dating app that I never thought would happen.  I have tried to pretend that it didn’t bother or affect me, but I just cannot do it.  Yesterday I was brought face to face with what I have said for years, that there is in fact a human being on the other end of that screen and you never know what really is going on with them.  And we must never forget that, and must always do better to be ethical and kind when interacting with strangers.

As I said I was on a dating app yesterday and I was contacted by a man who opened with a fantastic line of flattery or so I thought.  He said that he wished he was good enough to one day get with a woman as beautiful as me.  I responded right away, asking what he thought he needed to do to make that happen, and made a silly joke of responding in my dating coach voice as I typed.  He said that he needed to win the lottery to become attractive due to his short comings.  I laughed and said money wasn’t everything.  Obviously, he had been down this road before and said, because he was only 5’5” that no woman would ever find him attractive without money.  I brushed this off and said that as a dating coach maybe I could help him with his confidence if we wanted.  And if you have made it this far in the little back and forth between us, here’s the kicker.  And I quote, “I am just here killing time, before I kill myself because no woman will ever date me”.

I was positively floored.  In fact, I still am.  I am sad to say, my gut reaction was that he was using this as a ploy to get my attention.  But after a few minutes, my compassion and brain went into overdrive.  If there was even the slightest chance that he was serious I needed to do something.  But what could I do?  For all intents and purposes, online dating in anonymous.  I would have to do some incredibly serious sleuthing to find out even the slightest additional information about a person in the real world, and that would only be possible if we had chatted for more than 10 minutes.  I had nothing to go on.  So here’s how I reacted.  I wrote him a message saying that I wanted him to seek professional help immediately.  Then I copy and pasted the message and reported it to the app under other in the hopes that someone would have a data base of his information when he signed up.  I then wrote back to him the 1-800 number for suicide hotline.  To which he responded that he wouldn’t do anything drastic as long as his pets were alive, as they were his reason for living.  I implored with him one last time to seek help and then just like that, his profile was gone.

As I sit here typing away, I am reminded of one simple fact, the online world often removes the humanity in us.  We need to fight that urge and remind ourselves that there is a human being on the other end.  I didn’t accept what had happened right away and was in a horrible mood for the rest of the afternoon.  In fact, I was outright rude and argumentative to a stranger online who just wanted to meet me.  I pushed him until he said something silly, and goaded him into a fight.  I feel awful for doing that.  And I am sorry.  Truly sorry.  When you interact with someone online,remember you are not talking to a bot, even Siri was voiced by a real human.  Why?  Because shit flows downhill, especially in the virtual world.

So be cognitive, be aware, be kind!  Do not put your crap on a stranger, as I did.  And do not ignore the pain of someone reaching out as I was tempted to do.  Live as ethically online as you do in the real world.  Let’s make the experience better and more human for everyone.

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No Means No

I wrote a post in 2012 called, Saying No Can Be Difficult as a Woman, and to date it is in my top 5 list for most popular post.  I received quite a few messages from woman, identifying with my thought process and sharing stories of their own.  It was both encouraging to have dialogue and incredibly depressing that so many have felt this social constraint when it comes to saying no.  We as a gender feel conflicted in many cases, feeling that it is rude or aggressive or just plain not feminine to say no.  As I mentioned woman are socialized to please, to be peacekeepers and to find passive ways to solve issues rather than use the simplicity of no.  And to have it heard, understood and instantly accepted.

As a result, we do not use no effectively.  As controversial as this will sound, when men hear woman say no, often they think we are playing, being coy, or that we just don’t truly mean it.  Why? Because we do not use the word with conviction.  We are not used to saying no flat out, so when we do, it is with apprehension, nervousness, or even a touch of ambiguity.  Woman do not practice saying no in the same manor that men do.  Our body language does not always match the words coming out of our mouths.  We do not say no with confidence, we say it with the subtle or emotional mannerisms and  language that we use in our normal social interactions.

I need to be very clear here.  Just because woman are not socialized to use no, or use it without assertion does not mean that men should ever ignore us when we use it.  And there are massive campaigns out there right now, emphasizing that No Means No.  And this is necessary and correct and positive!  Each individual should know without a doubt the meaning of No and Stop.

However, woman, we need to do better.  We need to raise our children to practice the word no, regardless of gender.  We need to emphasize to our teenagers that when you use no, you mean it.  In a perfect world it would effective on its own, but we do not live in perfection.  So we need to incorporate a firm body language, stoic stance, remove playfulness from our voice and say no whenever we need or want to.  And then have it heard, clearly the first time, every time.

I have written before about the way we are trained to be coy.  And to that end I have worked hard to rise above my old wishy washy way of subtly saying no, and to start to say no the moment I am uncomfortable and to educate, report and block people who cross lines or ignore my use of the word.  If we all work together we can bring back the meaning of no.  By understanding how we educate our children, reinforce these behaviors in our teens, and finally take full and complete ownership of the word as adults we will make this a better place.  End rant.

How Long Have I Been Non-Monogamous?


One of the most common questions I get asked is “How long have you been non-monogamous?”  And the most truthful answer I can give, is “I don’t know”.  You see, I had never heard the phrase until I started dating a man in 2010 who wanted 2 girlfriends at the same time.  And I believed him, in the way that one believes in a dream.  But as things developed and we spent more and more time together, I discovered that open relationships and non monogamy were real.  That this lifestyle was indeed lived by thousands upon thousands of people around the world.  Thus, began my blogging adventure.

If I’m honest, I wrote for the first two years or so, under the guise of exploration and an almost fake it till you make it mentality.  I was reading a lot (and still try to keep up to date) with all the books available on Polyamory, non-monogamy and the origins of humans sexuality.  My early work is based on a premise of questioning, of tiny insights here and there, and basically the wondrous discovery of my non-monogamous acceptance.  As I looked deep inside myself, I came to realize that I had spent much of my early 20’s acting out of a place of non-monogamy, while blanketing myself with an over compensation of strict monogamy and all cheaters were evil mantra.  And my definition of cheating included those who were non-monogamous.  Any extra on the side was a sin, agreed upon or not.

Knowing who I am now, and where I was 15 years ago in my sexual development I can see that I was struggling with monogamy for a lot longer than I knew.  I put myself in situations whereby if a man wanted he could take advantage of me.  I felt safer knowing that my cheating would be out of my full control and thus placed as much onus on the men around me as possible.  I’m not proud of this.  But perhaps my truth will help someone else out there.  I truly, and deeply wanted someone to have sex with me that wasn’t my partner, and I wanted it to be in a way that I could deny it was my fault.  I’m not saying if it happened I would have denied it, but I needed that out.  I needed a way to explain or rationalize the monogamous demon I was fighting.

I have friends who are in their mid 30’s like me, who are still battling this demon.  It is not easy to have sexual conflict within yourself, especially for those of us who were raised with religion (Go Catholic school girl upbringing).  I know quite a few people, male and female, who have cheated, lied to themselves about what really happened and put on a brave face to the world afterwards.  They will do it again, and again.  For one main reason, because they have not faced the demon.  They have not faced the fear that monogamy is a choice.  It does not make you good, bad or anything in between.  It is simply a different way of relating sexually with those around you.  Once you face it, you have every opportunity to decide if monogamy makes you happy and thus you will work hard to cage your urges.  Or you can take a path that I chose.  One of education, self exploration and sexual discovery and experimentation.  There is no judgement from me either way.  The cool thing about autonomy is that you can live life the way you choose, as long as you do not cause pain or bodily harm to those around you.

There are of course moments along the way that I struggled, and my blog is a testament to that.  But I found peace in myself, once I accepted who I was.  And further found ways that I could feed my urges in a plethora of sex positive and healthy ways.  For example FWB’s, dating couples, swinging and of course just loving the man that I am with.

Now here is my PSA: If anyone out there is struggling with monogamy, please reach out.  I am happy to lend an ear, help you, do what I can to share my story or even just give you a hug.  Please though, whatever you do, stop the cycle of cheating, or calling sexual assault or even the word rape if find yourself in a situation that is outside of monogamy.  These terms are incredibly serious, and should only be used when necessary and NEVER as a cover up.  We all know what happened to the boy who cried wolf.

 

Halloween: All Year Round

As Halloween approaches, so does the sexism narrative.  Our sexy little sirens come out to play, and the costumes get tighter and skimpier year by year.  As you may well know based on previous posts I approve wholeheartedly with this trend.  Why?  Freedom of expression.  If a lady wants to feel sexy, then she gets to.  If a woman wants to show off her goods, then fantastic.  If anyone needs a holiday in order to dress up, to show a side that they keep hidden most of the year, then this is the perfect time to do so.

I have taken things a few steps further; “I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach”, Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol.  Swap out Christmas for Halloween and boom, there you have my mindset.  I have taken off the masks that Halloween has afforded me, and thrive to live the same way all year round.  If I want to dress up, I do so.  If I want to play the siren for a night, I do.  If I want to show off my body, I do it.  This holiday, truly has become my favorite, as it allowed me to explore a different side of my sexuality safely, and I proudly have expanded this to all the days of the year.

I have taken the lessons that Halloween and dressing up have afforded me, and I have incorporated them into my daily life.  I am freer, because of this holiday. I am less afraid of nudity or even of my own body because I was able to dress up.  To try on different masks and personalities, and with a little liquid courage now and again, I live the person that I want to be, right now.  I am present.

NoMoreWetSpot.com

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Now boys, if you want to start joining in the trend of tighter fitting clothes or showing off some muscles during the Halloween season too, then yay.  I am all for equality of the sexes.  Let’s make this a season of sexiness, confidence, and taking a moment to step outside of your shell.  Confidence in numbers, and all that jazz.  Let’s make a movement to live with sexual confidence and positive vibes with or without a costume.  No slut shaming, or judgement.  Just freedom of expression, thought and voice.  And of course tricks and treats whenever the need or want should arise.

If you want a sneak peak to this years sexy costume, check out my gallery!

The Halloween Siren

I love dressing up!  I also love meeting new people and socializing.  Halloween house parties are the perfect place to do this, and I am lucky to say for the past two years I have gone to the same house party in which I only know the people I arrive with.  This may be intimidating to some, however for me it has become quite exciting and interesting.  I show up, with bare ass (part of my costume of course!) to dance, drink, and mingle with a group of people I have no clue what they look like without makeup.  This year, there was an added element in that E was not able to attend due to work.  So, here I am, a completely unknown lady in a devil suit with an open butt flap, partying with strangers.
5 years ago, had I been in the situation I would not have left the wall.  I would have held my drink firmly in my hand, waiting for people to approach me, well, until the level of booze rid me of my inhibitions.  I would have been nervous and intimidated that all these people knew each other around me, and were judging this person who showed up to invade their little clique.  And please do not get me wrong, I do know that these people do still exist, in fact I had one lady at the party imply just that to me.  And the thing is, it really did not matter to me.  I was not crushed, or insecure when I was told that me showing up alone with a bare ass two years in a row may be a sign that I have some sort of psychological issue that needs to be resolved or at least dealt with.  It actually barely phased me, aside from me having a good laugh and continuing to have a fantastic time at the party.  The thing I feared so much for so long, was really no big deal when it finally happened.

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I should clarify that I was never the wallflower for long.  Once I got my stride or booze, was comfortable in my surroundings then I was ready to socialize.  And this party was no different.  It takes a moment or two to acquaint yourself with a new place, get a vibe and figure out what part of the room to begin with.  Also to make the big decision of whether undoing the buttons on your buttflap is actually party appropriate and if in the end it really matters.  Obviously the buttons were undone right after I poured my first drink.  And I must say, although I truly missed having E at the party along side me, I was perfectly comfortable and confident to walk around complete strangers, making conversation and dancing with my butt hanging out.  Hmm, maybe I am really focused on my tushie and should look into the reason why?  I jest of course.
What I found surprising was that I, being the stranger, had confidence, whereas this group of people who presumably knew each other, displayed moments of insecurity and outright jealousy over a few of my actions or just my presence there.  Last year with E by my side, I was slapped on the ass, congratulated for showing it off, and told if you’ve got it flaunt it.  All by confident and happy women.
This year, there was a bit of that, however it was over shadowed by distrust obviously fuelled by me being alone.  I counted 6 separate times that people came up to me, to ensure that I knew and was not embarrassed that my ass was hanging out.  Various reactions occurred when I replied that of course I knew and that was what a butt flap was for.  I even went so far as to tell one lady that I was taking pictures for my boyfriend, yeah it did nothing to improve her mood.  Most surprising though, was the women who interrupted when I was talking to their significant others and then would take them away.  I felt like the siren at the party.  Being typecast as that chick every woman must keep their eye on and protect their men because of my devilish ways.  Honestly, I have not felt that feeling in such a long time, I had forgotten the steps I usually try and take to prevent any distrust and put people at ease.  Which oddly turned out to be a good thing.  It is not my job to protect the feelings of every person in the room.  And that it is ok to polarize people at a party by being myself.  I have grown from the desire to win over a room, to just being myself, even if I was being a little bit of a siren, or just being a devil.
Wanna see all my behind the scenes photos?  Check out my photo gallery today!