Flamingo on the Inside, Sex Positive on the Outside

I have no idea what Bowser and I are looking at!

My last piece was a birthday blog, with my hopes and aspirations for what I hope to find, and embrace in my 38th year of life. If you have been reading my work for any length of time, you might have noticed that as I get older, my birthdays are becoming less gut wrenching.  I think part of the reason for that is, I am finally living my best life that I possibly can.  Sure things aren’t perfect, and my dreams remind me each night that all I really want is something to naked cuddle with at night, and wake up excited to learn more about in the mornings.  Oh, and of course, someone who wants the exact same from me!  But… there is an added element that try as I might, I just don’t know how to broach.  Perhaps because men disappear before we even get that far?  Ooph, OK, back on track here, bringing up being sex positive with a new person, and it is not going well, but… I keep trying!

Imagine for a moment that you are on a date with a person that you know almost nothing about.  You sip your wine, laugh nervously, and talk about what you have in common.  You are sharing experiences in those precious few moments that will shape the foundation of where this chance encounter might go. Statically speaking the likelihood of going past a few dates is incredibly low, but, you feel a spark and decide that you want to keep seeing this person.  Cool, they want to see you back, all is great.  Now, at this point you start talking about your passions and what really fuels you as a human.  In my case, it is relationships, sex, and exploring everything intimate that connects our fellow human being.  Oh, and by the way, I post sexy photos online, and oh yeah right, I’ve been writing about my non-monogamous experiences for over a decade. Oh… wait I forgot, I am actually working on my second draft of my first memoir of said relationship.

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Yeah… so… that’s not going well for me. Writing about sex is still taboo. Men, don’t want to bring me home to meet their families. I am not motherhood material. And yeah, they figure I am a goddess in the bedroom so they can put in zero effort where that is concerned, and then just never call again.  Or, they want me to analyze their sexual past over a beer, in public, for free.

I’m not saying I would change a moment of who I am, or what I am passionate about.  And yes, someday the right man will come along who understands, accepts, and is not threatened by my past or present.  But hot damn I am tired.  So, so tired.  And I shouldn’t have to change or hide my past in order to have a future with someone, should I?  I overcome hurdles every single day. I challenge myself, and others to think, be more compassionate and embrace a sex positive world.  And at the end of it all, I just want someone warm to snuggle with, who loves me, understands me, and allows me to be me. I am a unique flamingo, looking for love, while embracing a sex positive future.  Deep breaths, just keep going.

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Dating Fears: Did I Work Hard Enough?

Standing on the edge of my fears

These past few nights, I have been haunted in dreams by people from my past. Specifically from the parents who are no longer a part of my life. The reasons for us no longer being family is complicated, but there is an underlying commonality, neither should have ever been parents. That could just be my sleep deprived oversimplification talking, because yes these dreams are keeping me from sleeping through the night, and I think I have figured out why they keep happening. I am afraid of telling new people about my past.

While I can proudly champion the fact that I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am at. To say that I love myself, inside and out…finally. And that taking the summer to really be by myself has been worth it, I cannot escape the realities of the people who used to be in my life, and the hurdles they brought into my life. Sure, I overcame some true obstacles, but I don’t want to be seen as broken. I don’t want to portray this victim vibe, or be called a survivor. I want to be recognized for my own merit. I worked damn hard, and I am proud.

But there is a lingering fear of having to explain to a new person about why I closed the door on so many family members. I don’t want to be viewed as someone who won’t make a good parent due to my upbringing or current isolation. I don’t want the questions of someone with a loving close family to cast me out because I don’t have the same. I fear, that all my hard work, building myself up into the person that I am won’t be enough.

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I am not broken. I don’t feel broken, I hope I don’t act broken, and quite frankly, if I do from time to time I feel that’s just an expression of emotion and is valid. Yeah, that sentence confuses me at times too, but coming to terms with feeling vulnerable at times is part of my growth, and not my whole identity. And while I can write that… I don’t want to have to constantly explain myself and situation to others. I want to be loved for who I am now, and cherished for all my hard work, and dreams. I don’t want new people to judge me for a past that was out of my control. No one chooses their parents. I did the very best with what I was born into, and it helped shape me into the loving, compassionate, and at times even funny self.

My dreams though, are reminding me that there is a deep rooted fear that all my hard work is not enough, may never be enough, and I could be doomed to relationship failure. In the daylight, I don’t feel that way, it is only when everything is quiet, and my brain is left to sort its own version of events.

I am in no way looking for a cheering squad in writing this either. And for what it’s worth, I feel sick to my stomach typing this post. I don’t know what outcome I am expecting. I feel raw, vulnerable, and it is very off-putting to someone who likes the control of my emotions that I normally do have. What I recognize I have no control over is someone else, or their reactions to me, my story, and my past. And that evokes fear. Fear of dating, and putting myself out there. And that look in their eyes, that maybe all this hard work will never be enough for love and a family.

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