Another New Year is Upon Us

30 Day Yoga Challenge

I went into the New Year with a strange optimism that things simply had to be better than they were last year. My actual New Years Eve was incredible, and if I’m honest, came as a complete surprise (no pun intended). And thus, I felt a confidence that this, in fact would be my best year yet.  Sitting here, 2 weeks in, I am not quite sure how I am feeling about anything.

One of my friends aptly pointed out that there is still plenty of time for the year to be an incredible turning point for us, and perhaps there is “just a bit of rubble and debris to clear away first!”.  I’m not sure quite how I ended up with such wise and amazing friends, but here I sit, re-reading that text over and over. Clearing out the remnants of last year, is so visceral and quite frankly a perfect way of describing this weird place I find myself in.

My solo Christmas was my time to fall back in love with my book. And I am proud to say that I am on draft 3!  It’s an accomplishment that I am so incredibly proud of, and yet, it is still so challenging to read, edit, and feel all the things that experienced in my last relationship. It just hasn’t gotten easier.  And I find myself inexplicably raw, and caught up in … just the feelings of it all.  Enter in my New Years commitment to Yoga and stretching as a daily practice.

I am committed to doing the 30 day yoga challenge, with the ultimate goal of having yoga just be my daily norm. There would be weeks at a time last year, where I was just too drained, busy, or unmotivated to move my body.  2022 has really been my year to change that. While there was one day, I did not complete my practice due to a complete emotional breakdown, I still put in a solid effort to do most of it. I don’t think I even came close to having this great a track record at any point of physical activity in the past.  After about 5 days in a row, my motivation wanes, or I tell myself that I deserve to take that break. Which, often turns into a cycle, and rarely is just one day off. 

Shockingly, to me anyways, I have written almost every day since just before Christmas. While, my publications have been a little less active, there is so much in the works, behind the scenes that I was actually a little shocked to see the date of my last blog post.  A Canadian sorry to all of those who have been waiting for updates on my life! Haha.  This year will be a continuation of growth, learning, and ultimately, completing some incredibly intense projects that I have on the go. My hopes of course are that my love life will finally come into fruition, but… if I’ve learned anything from last year, forcing anything is just not my reality.  All I can do is try, be authentic, and allow my heart to do what it does best (any guesses what that is?).

So to all of you, I truly hope you ended 2021 in good health, spirits, and with a optimistic outlook for 2022.  If we all work together, we can learn from past mistakes, and work towards a brighter, more amazing future!  Sending warm thoughts, and well wishes to all!

Cheers,

Krys

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Accepting Our Past

Accepting our Past

I have reached a strange point in my finding new people path, in which, I need to accept that we all have pasts and perhaps even a skeleton or two.  I have been in my head for so long, fearful, that I would be judged for having a non-monogamous past, that I forgot something simple, others have lived experiences too that may be different from mine.  Writing those words down, it seems so clear, and rational.  Of course, other people have pasts, and of course there might be some adjusting I need to do to get to know them.  And this, is the key point that honestly has been holding me back, and I needed to understand, we need to accept our past.

Thank goodness for the calmness I find in yoga and stretching or I might not have got here.  Well, and also the rational and brutally honest voice of one of my dearest friends, who manages to amaze me with her frank cutting through of all the BS that clouds my judgment.  And while I don’t ever recall having this precise conversation with her, I do know what she would say to me, if I vocalized that I was worried about my past in her.  Her response would be curt, and so full of love and wisdom, the perfect balance to have in a friend.  Haha.  Ultimately, she would look at this post, and just roll her eyes, that this wasn’t just obvious to me. Of course, I am not the only one on the planet going into new relationships with baggage or things from my past.

 

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And well, she’s completely right, or would be if I dared ask her, but it was difficult to see.  I spend so much time writing about this big thing, (to me), and it’s hard not to go into the real world and feel that someone out there will think it is too big for them.  And of course, that means they are not the right human for me. In the here and now though, it can feel like a barrier. Something insurmountable, and somehow makes me unlovable. Can you build trust with someone who had a sexually non-monogamous past? The Dirty Stigma around Non-Monogamy is a whole other box to unpack.

I made a huge mistake earlier in the year by not telling a person I was interested in about the topic of my would be book, and blog.  And it ate me up inside.  It was the exact scenario whereby I kept meaning to tell him, and then, I just wouldn’t and more days would go by.  To be fair, neither of us talked about our pasts.  We were very much experiencing life in the present, with zero talk of future.  However, the feeling was uncomfortable and not one that I want to repeat.  And thus, here I am trying to do better, and be less fearful of my past relationship department. And the best advice I can give myself, is to put myself in their shoes, and realize they have a past too.  Now… onto the next puzzle, and that is finding a person who wants to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Ooph!

Thank you to everyone who has bought me a beer this year! I have some very fun photos planned for December on my IG and Patreon…. so stay tuned!

Restlessness in the Wake of My Heart Taking the Lead

A Few More Dating Musings

My Little Writing Helper

There is something I have never felt comfortable talking about, and that is all the times I let my heart get lost to lust, before finding the person I can’t wait to introduce to all my friends. And that is the restless place I find myself in now. I enjoy falling in lust because it can quickly turn into something long lasting. It’s so fun to lose myself to a person, and feel them lose themselves in me for a few moments in time and space. The chasing butterflies is something I written frequently about, and has been one of the biggest joys in my non-monogamous exploration.

But now, I want to briefly describe where I’m currently at, a place in time where I get so excited about a few good men, race to tell all my friends, and then have them disappear or things just not work out. I catch myself feeling a bit crazy, for providing my dearest with a long list of people they have to sort out in their minds, as my heart just happily flutters about. And then boom, is miserable in the wake of loneliness.  It’s a real roller-coaster.  And, I am not 100 percent sure how most people deal with this.

I am unique in my openness and honesty. So perhaps this is simply a bi-product that my friends have to get used to with me until I meet someone who will be still with me. Or maybe, this is why people tend to disappear when they are single and free, because there is just too much going on at the same time to make heads or tails of? Or is it just me again? Do people not date the way I do? With a heavy vetting process that by the time we actually meet, I am fairly confident that we are going to at least make it a few dates in before the fizzle or ghosting occurs?

Processing this is tough. And as none of my nearest and dearest are currently single, I feel like I am navigating alone… again.  Restlessness is a key tenant of mine. When I see something, I like, I go for it. I am all in, and bundle of energy.  And let me tell you, that when the sex is great, I am even more intense and have to remind myself to relax and enjoy the happy ride. It’s a feeling I am used to being a morning person in a world of night owls. My chipper, conquer the world mentality at dawn, does not bode well for… well anyone in my life but my dog.  He loves me for it! And I am used to taking it down a notch for the sanity of those around me. The answer may lie in extending this same thing when it comes to my dating life.  But damn it, some people just get me so excited.

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If you follow me on Twitter (NSWF), you may have noticed a tweet or two in regards to this this silly experiment I am trying out called, shut off my brain and let my heart decide for a while.  It has been… interesting to say the least. I am currently completely head over heels and happy with the kind soul who needs a little time and space. My heart, and body (if I am completely honest) will not let me entertain even the most gorgeous of men into my consciousness right now. I am being held hostage by my heart, and well, it’s something new to experience. But again, how do I properly explain to my besties that I am simply going for a ride right now. That I am putting my normal calm, rational demeaner on the back burner? Especially to those that just want me to be happy!

All I can say is, this is a post with no answer. A good ole fashioned blog post with musings and putting out into the universe that I definitely do not have all the answers. I’m helpless to time, space, and my heart right now. It’s chosen, and… that’s clearly that. Ooph.  Let the roller-coaster of life continue I suppose. 

Thank you all who have provided me with a little liquid encouragement via my Patreon! I promise you it is going to a good cause, and I hope to provide a book update very soon!!!

An Almost, and The Greatest Gift

My Breakup Reflection

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I should be crying right now, as we are want to do with a breakup reflection. In fact, I should be going through all the typical heartbreak experiences that rejection should offer me. And yet, I am not. In fact, I am feeling confident, excited, and really hopeful. I let my heart take the lead a few weeks ago, and reach out to someone that I had grown to care deeply for. I forced my head to just take a break from over analyzing and telling me all the rational things that it normally would to prevent the impulsive text. But, I did it anyways… stone cold sober, in the middle of the afternoon.

What resulted was the most delightful afternoon I had experienced in a very long time. There was laughter, sex, and real intimacy. I was on cloud nine. And again, forced that brain of mine to just let it ride. The heart was taking a chance.

Sadly, it didn’t last, due to timing and all manor of things that are out of my control. Of course being told that hurt, and I did choke up at the notion that this was possibly a one time deal. But, there was something else, something much more interesting. This lingering feeling of hope.  Here exists a man who enjoys my company, we make each other blissfully happy, and he likes me for who I am. There is no hiding, or need to impress. I feel free to act with impulse, hold nothing back, and just exist as the passionate and emotional soul that I am. And yes, if you read my last post, it came on the backside of understanding that I need to take risks. To be assertive and just go for what I want and deserve.

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He is not with me right now, because he is in the middle of finding out who he is. And the incredibly amazing thing is, he is doing the soul searching for himself. I have mad respect for a person owning their shit. For recognizing that they are not quite where they want to be in life, and need more time to figure it out. All I ask for is truth and realness. It is always OK to admit that you just don’t know. Or that you’re not ready, or of course my dream, that someone wants to just run away with me and fall head over heals in a way that makes no sense to the world…. Hahaha!

So here I sit, humbled by the knowledge that someone could just love me, and not ask me to jump through hoops or prove my worth or value. I… didn’t actually know that was possible. And now, I am riding high on this beautiful gift that this amazing man has given me, and he currently has no idea. Maybe if we maintain a friendship, I can share this with him. For now, he has asked for space, and it is the very least I can give him.  He is not ready for a relationship, but… if he was he would be willing to be in one with me. The power of hearing those words from another’s lips is… intense.

I found one of the good ones, and he thinks I’m a good one too. Life is just a crazy ride isn’t it?

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Relationship Breakdown Realizations and Owning My Part

Bowser and I in Nature

After all the rants, raves, frustration, and putting out into the universe all the things I wish would make people better (or better for me), I remembered the one simple truth: the only person I can change is me. Relationship are a two way street, and clearly I am in a place right now whereby I am attracting a certain type of man that is not doing my mental health any favours. While I am aware that mental health and depression is on the rise, I also have to take accountability for the fact that dating 3 men in a row battling depression is more than coincidence.  While I take pride in being empathetic, warm, good natured, and really easy going, those are not the traits that I should be putting forth. Instead, I need to regain my confidence, assertiveness, and bring that sass onto the table from the get go. Why? Because I am tired of having men walk all over me, or just disappear. And if I’m being honest, I have been making that really easy. So here I am trying to own my part of the recent slew of relationship breakdowns.

Now, please don’t misunderstand. I am not taking accountability for the ghosters. That is abhorrent behaviour and we must all work to call out that BS whenever it occurs. I take nothing back from my rant or recent Medium article talking about how we must start talking about breakups and how to end things.  We MUST do better!

What I am saying though, is me being a passive, chill, and relaxed is not the answer right now.  And the evidence is in the fact that I am not finding people who challenge me, who engage me, or who want to stick around. I’ve become a dating pacifist, who is just too damn easy going and go with the flow. Sure, these are real character traits that I am proud to possess, but as my closest friends can attest, our friendships never started out that way. I am an intense individual.  And I need to own that. Passionate, driven, and a person with very little patience.  These are the traits that attracted the best men into my life. And these are the ones I have to harness again.

Do you want to know something though? I couldn’t actually figure out what I was doing wrong until I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and changed up everything. Granted I did it on a very small scale. But still, it must be noted that I packed up my car, my dog, and headed west. I drove back and forth between a small town in BC, trying to pick a location that was secluded, surrounded by trees, and basically, perfect for a writing retreat. I actually started crying while looking, because I realized solo travelling is really difficult for me. I am confident with people I know, but damn, I am out of practice in new situations. And as that realization slowly made the tears stop, I simplified things, and just looked for a simple picnic table. While on the quest for that spot I could make my lunch, a spot surrounded with trees soon appeared, and everything I was looking for was suddenly there. But, the first step, was keeping in keeping it simple stupid.

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And with that, I refuelled, went for a walk with my dog, and suddenly remembered to breath. Here I was, in the most serene spot, completely unexpected, and I realized I needed to empower myself. I have never been able to rely on others to do it for me. But, I kinda fooled myself into thinking I could. And with this reset of time, space, by being out in nature, I felt OK. I did something big and scary, and I was fine. Because of course I was fine. I always land on my feet, no matter what shit gets thrown at me. And I need to trust that again. Yes, things are going to be hard. Yes, difficulty is part of my life, but… I will find what I need. But only if I project the correct image. This sweet, kind, and affectionate being is not the one I need to lean on right now. And… it took me a long time to remember that, and a ridiculous amount of heartache.

So, let us scratch that. Start again. Call out the first half of 2021 for being an experiment that I gave some solid attempts to, and go back to something that works. I am now ready to attract the people to me that are going to compliment me in all the best ways.  And I wish the same, for each and every one of you!  And don’t you worry, I will share with you all each fuck up along the way!

A huge shout-out to everyone who has given me beer money this summer! Your support motivates me to keep going, and creating!