Tag: falling in love

So Many Changes…

Changes

I know I have been absent from writing for far too long. First, it was the result of falling head over heels in love, and not wanting my posts to be filled with the braggadocio rhetoric that I felt would be the result. Then, something actually happened that stopped my writing in its very tracks. While I am not quite ready to write about that particular subject matter, I will say, that in time, I know I will feel brave enough to give it the space it deserves. Until then, we have this little update post filled with a few of my many changes.

As of today, I am all settled into a new home, with a man I absolutely adore, and finally believe people when they say I look happy, that I deserve it.

This blog, has always been a safe space for me to explore my thoughts, feelings, and formulate the goings on of my brain into almost cohesive thoughts. When I was breaking away from monogamy, this space saved my sanity. It allowed me to connect with like minded individuals, and it gave me space to explore all the things that I needed to explore. Being a sexual being, and fluid in so many ways, this outlet, well, I cannot even begin to express how it helped change me into who I am proud to be in this moment.

(affiliate post)

That being said, there are changes happening. And I truly believe that I am finally on the path that I am meant to be. It was in breaking away from monogamy that I found out who I am. And thus, the title of this blog will remain the same. But, what I write about, on a forward basis, will inevitably be a little different. Why? Because in falling in love, I finally feel this completeness of mind and soul. And that is what I earnestly want to throw all my attention at. This one soul, who has captivated me, and absolutely adores me, and I feel the exact same way about.

I have no crystal ball, nor any magical ability to see what the future holds. All I do know, is my past was key to me finding this man. Just as his past, made him the man that I am in love with. This blog was born out of heartbreak, and now, it will be evolving due to love. Simple, beautiful, and incredible love. Maybe you’ll stick around to see where my musings take me, or maybe you’ll take your leave. Either way, thank you for reading (and supporting me on Patreon). I am so excited for my future, and I hope that you’ll stop in from time to time to see where that takes me.

Wait?! Falling in Love is Real?

First bouquet of flowers

I have worked my butt off to be great when it comes to relationships.  I even wrote a post touting all the books that helped shape who I am as a person, and why I communicate the way I do.  Wonderful!  I have done extensive writing, journaling, and research into chasing butterflies, and dealing with aftershocks and all the fun moments in time that I have experienced over the years.  Amazing.  Yay me!  Then I went a step farther and read a book called “Why We Love” by Dr. Anna Machin.  Even better, now I could add to my resume, the scientific knowledge behind why love is so important to how we socialize as humans.  Our basic survival actually depends on it.  Again, Wow!  My pragmatic and rational side really came through for me, but wait, never once did I talk about falling in love. 

Why? Because honestly, that just wasn’t something I factored into the equation. In fact, I think I had been so jaded about the whole finding someone to spend time with, I forgot that part even existed.  And that’s not entirely my fault, well, maybe it is. I know I fell in love with my ex fiance.  But, honestly, I can’t remember what that felt like.  Sure it was a long time ago, but also, pretty much everything in my life was going on. I met him at the tender age of 17, when we were both in university, and we just fell into stride with one another. Experiencing pretty much every first in tandem, builds something pretty unique, but, honestly, nothing all that memorable.

Then there was my next long term partnership, which was pretty much non-stop adventure.  And love, just wasn’t logical in the sense of anything I had experienced before. And because that is such a tough one to explain, I am almost finished writing an entire book on it.  One thing I don’t think I touched on in it, and maybe I should add it to the summary is how we came to the conclusion of love.  I think I said it about 6 months into the relationship, and I believe he said it back about 6 months after that.  It was slow as molasses.  And it wasn’t the experience of falling in love.  It was more of an inevitability that grew into a partnership.

Here I sit though, realizing that I am falling head over heels for someone pretty incredible. I actually am experiencing the whooshing of falling feeling, and the holy shit this is moving way to fast, but… I don’t want to stop or catch my breath.  The whole desire to spend every waking moment with him is so supremely real that I cannot help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. And yet, we are both so happy, ready for this, and open to seeing where this goes.  The idea that your person is out there, you can actually talk about everything and your bodies fit together in magical perfection? Brain is exploding here. I’m 39, and I am experiencing firsthand the concept of falling in love, and redundant or not, I love it.

Thank you to everyone who has helped the book writing process by fuelling me with beer via my Patreon!

Falling Back in Love… With Myself

Falling in Love… with me!

As a non-monogamous person, I spend a lot of my time working on relationships. Between strengthening the one I have at home, and the constant quest for new and incredible people, I humbly submit that I should get an A for effort. People are my passion. Relationship building is my forte. But, I will admit, there is a problem with my foundation, with me. While I have overcome many things in the past few years (with this last one being a real rollercoaster), there is something I need to put more focus on, loving me again.

A few months ago, I created a sex positive 30 day challenge, which was probably harder for me, than anyone else who joined in. Having to tell myself “I love me”, in the mirror brought me to tears. I crumbled.  Not because I don’t love myself, but because I wasn’t in love with myself. I had not done anything of late to boost myself up.  I had no new crazy or adventurous stories to tell. I had no new projects that I can excitedly get feedback on or bounce ideas about. I had put my inner passion for my ideas and creativity on the back burner.

NoMoreWetSpot.com

And yes, I did this in on purpose. I finally took that long hard look at myself and realized that I needed to forgive myself for my past, heal up, and take a real break to recharge. Loving half a person is the most difficult journey I have ever endured. And I did it, for the last year (more to come on that in a future post). I would do it again in a heartbeat, but it changed me. As a creative and passionate individual with drive and dreams I would find myself snapping at life in general. Why do I have to do everything? Why can I not take a break, and have someone take care of me for a few moments? Why will these tears just not stop?

The answer? I put myself on hold for another human being. I was living at half my creative capacity, with the other half keeping my human… alive. (Watching a loved one battle depression is anguish.)

Reading that last thought, over and over again, I am not sure if using past or present tense is more accurate. That being said, I didn’t make excuses to type this morning. I simply poured my coffee, and started to type.  And that, is a huge step. I didn’t feel obligated, instead I felt calm enough to start sharing. And that means I am feeling the fruits of the recharge. The drive is coming back, and you better believe that passion is too. I am starting to fall back in love with myself, because let’s face it, a whole human being is far sexier than half a soul right?

I will be challenging myself to post more photos on my Patreon page this month in the spirit of accepting and loving my body for the here and now instead of lamenting that it is not what it was, and I am grateful for all the support in this endeavour. 

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