I really want to start talking about being bi-curious and
non-monogamous a bit more, but I am struggling to do so. Why is that?
Two-fold. I am not prepared for
the creepy backlash, and I am terrified of kissing a girl and not liking
it. What if the fantasy doesn’t meet up
to the expectation? Then what? Am I now one of those women who became a cock
tease (or the equivalent non gender specific)?
And what if I do like it? Am I suddenly expected to hook every partner
up with threesomes? Is my intimacy now
on public display? It is overwhelming
all the cons, and basically, it is because of how men have conditioned me. And I take full responsibility for that, I am
an adult after all. But any sort of
female exploration has always come with “can I watch?” “Can you bring her home” “this can be our
treat” or any other exploitative things I have heard over my many sexual
years. Why the fuck would my exploration
have to include anyone else? And
further, why do men constantly ask the most invasive questions? Do they not know how it makes us feel, how it
makes me feel? How it destroys us,
little by little?
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No, they don’t.
Because we don’t tell them. And
if by the off chance we have had enough, and do, then we are bitches and
worse. Men and women struggle to
communicate because men push too hard, and women fold too often. But I digress, with all the cons, there is a
real struggle, in that, I don’t know if I am ready to go on a date with a
woman. What can I offer her? My confusion?
My trepidation? My insecurities? I know first hand that that is not
attractive! And it does not lend well to
small talk, necessary to going out on that first date. Women are bolder online than they are in
person (huge generalization but based on personal experience). A female will ask straight up, what are your
intentions online. And I balk at my
answer, of, I don’t have a clue. I don’t
want to waste anyone’s time, but I also want to get out there and see.
Will writing this post get me out there? I have no clue. Has it helped me solidify what I want? Not even close. This was simply putting out into the universe that I am currently confused. I am searching for something, but don’t quite know what that is. I love the idea of dating couples with my partner, but the reality is that is lacking right now. So, do I venture out there, alone? I ponder this, as I slowly sip my beer and write more erotica than ever before…
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When I made the decision to start focusing on writing as more than just a hobby, I quickly realized that I needed to have creative outlet which is where my Patreon tier Breaking Away After Dark was born. Here I have been able to flex a few of my more erotic tales, and fully realize a fantasy or two. Whenever I am feeling a bit of writers block coming on, or have the desire to take a little “me time” break, I pull up my in progress fantasy document and add a few brainstorms. It has been a very fun ride, that, well, if you have read any of my tweets as I try and write down a new one, comes with numerous “breaks”! When I go back to edit these brainstorming sessions for actually submitting to the public, I have noticed an interesting thing, the person I am writing about, is usually without a fixed gender or orientation.
As I explore my own fluidity in relationships, and break away
with the norms of he said/she said, my subliminal mind is writing in a fluid
and undefined way. When I go back and
edit a piece, I will add in a gender and descriptors for clarity. Or as in my
last piece, I was all over the place with who this fantasy person was that I
was describing, I was actually able to pull out two very distinct sexual fantasies,
one was FF and the other was FM. I would
write things like a silhouette of your curvaceous body, and then in the next
paragraph describe the full formed shoulders and biceps. It’s as if my brain flips who is giving me
pleasure based on the sexual act or touch I am describing.
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I mean, obviously I need more threesomes or foursomes in my life, that much is clear. But what is a little deeper under the surface, is how the definition of my “straightness” identity is clearly in flux. While I recognize that I am becoming for fluid in life, less regimented in my thinking, and growing more open-minded in my day to day life, I was not expecting the same to be true of my creative writing and brainstorming. I thought that my subconscious mind would instead revert back to the structured definitions I was raised with. I truly thought that when brainstorming my mind would default to the MF dynamics that it has been defined by for 35 years. When you shut your brain off and going into brainstorming mode, aren’t you supposed to go into autopilot?
Which of course leads me to question if my straight
orientation was the façade this whole time.
Perhaps I established myself as this strictly straight being for some unbeknownst
reason. Perhaps this fantasy writing is allowing
me to share my true default of “it just doesn’t matter”. Or more to the core, that I am attracted to
individuals and not genders. Just as I
am looking for fluidity in my relationships, I am pretty sure that is extending
to a more fluid perception of who is on the other end of that intimacy.
Obviously, I am a work in progress, questioning every step
of the way. And who knows where my next
erotic piece will take me, or even where my next sexual adventure will. In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself
open minded, and happy with just knowing that at this point, anything is possible,
and that optimism keeps me going day in, and day out.
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After nearly a decade of living, researching, and blogging about non-monogamy, I decided it was high time to share a little bit of what I have learnt with the masses. And thus, I am creating a series on Medium.com whereby I am writing a how to “non-monogamy” guide. It is an exciting endeavour and so far, the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. And, if you’re thinking that I am going to rant about a negative review, have I got a surprise for you! No, this post is about something that surfaced when I queried a local Facebook group for input on future articles. (Which if you would like to add some suggestions I would love to read them!) And after I go off on my side of things, I am going to show a completely different perspective of the same events, and then I am going ask you to decide where you sit on the issue. No, it’s not a test, and you don’t have to publicly share your answer. Instead, I want you think about how your intentions are coming across on social media, especially in light of the #metoo movement, because for better or worse, it has changed the tone of how we relate to each other, and more importantly our ability to reason.
So without further ado, I present harmful comment, or compliment: You Decide!
Yesterday, I was asking a group of lifestyle people on
Facebook for their suggestions on future articles in my non-monogamous how to
series. A female member of the group
requested that I write a piece for a male audience, and when I asked further what
she meant, it turns out that she has troubles opening or even saying hi to a
person in the lifestyle. In short, she explained
that she was looking for more of a how to guide with starting conversations
with other people in non-monogamy, and agreed this would be beneficial for both
sexes. I graciously thanked her, as this
was exactly the sort of thing that should be included in a series like this. Now, here is the point of contention, a male
commented with the following using our thread:
I think all you would need to do
is say “hi”. Pretty sure it would get your point across if he’s from a LS group.
My Side
While I kept my reply fairly mundane, in my head I was reeling, and I rushed to type out all of my thoughts. Firstly, a female asked me for help. It was specific to my article, and yes, although it was a public forum and everyone is welcome to add their input, we were in the middle of a question and answer thread. In short, a guy butted into a place that added zero value.
Second, she specifically said she was having troubles just
saying hi. So random guy ignores that,
and just suggests that she say hi anyways?
What point does saying “hi” ubiquitously get across, even on a lifestyle
site? Hi, is not consent, negotiation,
or really anything other than a pleasantry.
And listen, if a “hi” on a LS club is like some secret handshake, then
honestly, there needs to be a very bright neon warning sign for all of us who
were unaware of this fact.
Third, this woman was a very good looking brunette, and my Spidey
senses went off in a flash of an objectifying nature. She asked for help, and the
guy turned around saying, no, you don’t need to do anything but show up and all
is good.
This in general, is why, I reasoned that women have difficulty asking for help publicly where men are, and why so many of us have private groups for sharing our thoughts and expressing ourselves. I hate writing pieces with such a strong gender bias, but in the social media realm world this exists all the time and the word mansplaining had to be coined.
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Flip Side
But now, let’s flip perspective. Let’s remove my biases, and just try and put ourselves into the male writers, or readers shoes.
Firstly, the guy was just trying to give a compliment. He saw a woman asking for help, thought to himself, nah, she doesn’t need that, look at her! She is already amazing, and he wants to tell her so. Completely benign, harmless, and ripe with good intent.
Second, he honestly thought offering her words of encouragement would make her feel better, and boost her ego. Ergo, he was being helpful, and thoughtful. At the end of the day, he is a really great guy, and wanted to tell her that in a way that has worked for decades, the negging method.
Third, he is being completely honest in that he imagined receiving a message from her, and was expressing that truthfully, no further work was needed beyond the initial interaction. He would take it from there. A woman just saying hi, is hot, confident, and should be encouraged. That’s just what he was trying to do. No ill intent meant, and he would be happy to take the lead, after her initial interest.
In summary, he is doing what he has always done on social media. He has typed a comment based on his gut reaction and impulse. Perhaps he cares little for how it is interpreted because he is just being himself. That freedom to do, say, or type whatever you want is what makes online interaction so fun and easy. He doesn’t see her body language, reaction, or any idicators to show whether it worked or didn’t and this he is going to continue acting in the same manor until he is told otherwise. And if she does respond, but not in the way he wants, no sweat, she doesn’t get him and will move right onto the next person.
Takeaway
I hope you have made it to the end of this post. Because what I am about to say gets to the real heart of this two perspective issue. Times have changed. Our online social interaction is, impacted by the #metoo movement. We have all felt it, in one way or another. We have seen even the most innocuous comment get blown way out of proportion, as some of you may think I have done. We have also seen the flip side, of people using humour, or negging, or just saying absolutely anything to get noticed in an interweb where it often feels like you have no voice and have to shout incredibly loudly to be heard or stand out. Any attention is good attention right? Type as fast as you can, and do not spend even a moment to think about how your words will come across because we only have a 3 second attention span, and you need to be noticed above all, good, bad, ugly, it doesn’t matter. Trolls seem to have more followers and interaction than anyone right?
Wherever you initially were sitting on this little choose your own perspective piece, the main thing I hope you takeaway is, right now, everything you put online is being interpreted from different biases. We are not in a place where we are just getting along, and existing in bliss amongst a multitude of diversity and opinions. Instead we are clashing, clamoring, and crying out foul whenever our biases are superseded by that which makes humans so unique, our ability to reason. We keep asking How Should We Behave, but we are not actually doing anything to listen to the answers.
So, pause, and think about how your words are going to be viewed and interpreted online. Decide what your intent is when you type those words on a page, and if they are not received the way you intended, tweak them next time. Change your tone. Find a new way to stand out in this new world of social interaction. Don’t waste the ability to reason and think. There is more to life than just being right.
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This time last year I wrote about An Unbalanced Gender Culture, and how things were rapidly coming to a head (which I encourage you to read before continuing), with regards to uncertainty within our standard gender roles and how we relate to each other. I have been blogging and tweeting about Baby It’s Cold Outside and the #MeToo movement with concern about what effect this is having on our perceptions. And the problem being that we are ignoring the underlying issue about the roles changing between men and women, and more importantly how we are perceiving these changes. And this is bringing up a multitude of questions, including, “where is the new line?”
Just yesterday, I was bartending, and one of my regulars told me with sincerity, that he no longer knows how to talk to women because of the #MeToo movement. The last thing he wants to do is offend anyone, but the reality is, he is a newly divorced 50 year old man, and he wants to get out dating and flirting again, but the old ways don’t seem acceptable anymore. He is completely open to changing his ways, but he also feels too old to walk on eggshells and not be authentic or truthful. I think his challenges are completely relatable to almost everyone. The world is changing, and what’s super scary is that we are trying to go back in time and retroactively punish people, media, etc with our currently unclear new world view.
Now let me be clear here, that this statement is not meant to scold the brave women for standing up against Weinstein or any rapist or abuser. That, I need to be clear going forward, has always been wrong, and will continue to be wrong. That isn’t hindsight. That is bravery on the part of these women for finding the courage to say something, even years later. There is a very clear difference between knowing something is wrong, or that gut wrenching action that made you feel horrible at the time, and what I am discussing here with regards to using todays new cloudy lens then seeking out situations from our past that, probably would not be acceptable by todays standards. This is the key problem we are currently facing, we are focusing on digging up past situations instead of finding solutions for the current world view or thinking about what we want our future to look like.
So, with that in mind, let’s ask the question, how should men today, flirt and interact with women that they are interested in? Where is the new line between coy, flirty and fun, versus rude, crude and inappropriate? The answer, and I am really, really sorry about this, but… there isn’t one. This is a grey area. We do not have a solution yet. So far, we can all agree that we have to start listening to the word no, and further we have to start using the word no in a more responsible and in a firm manor. It cannot be said with a playful or coy intonation, and whenever used in that context it has to be taken at face value (precisely the reason why Baby It’s Cold Outside cannot be viewed with today’s new standards, no was used in a playful manor). But aside from that, I struggle to find any other all encompassing rule that can help guide us in a sex positive behavioural direction. Or in a less wordy way, to help us all get our flirt on and feel good about ourselves later. Things remain really fuzzy and this is why I suggest we start with the simplest question first, where is your line?
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I know where my lines and limits are, and just to give you a little insight or help point you in the right direction I will share or overshare as is often the case; I don’t enjoy flirting with strangers. I like getting to know someone, and them in turn getting to know me. Even just a coffee or two in a completely platonic way helps bring my guard down. After that, flirting becomes fun and an enjoyable action, and I feel free to make dirty jokes, touch, and even drive things towards a much more physical setting. So for this reason, online dating has never been an effective way to date. Instead, it’s a way to find someone for a first meeting and then go from there. I just don’t get off flirting or sexting with strangers. And this is only an example of what works for me. This insight will not work for every person out there, not even close. As there are many women who won’t waste their time meeting someone if they haven’t been told they are attractive or have caught the eye of a stranger. Expressing desire goes a long way for many, hell it even goes a long way for me, but again, never in an opening message or before an in person conversation (again just my opinion and will not work for everyone which is why I am asking you where your own line is).
My earnest hope in you reading or listening to this post is that you take a little comfort in knowing you are not alone. And that you don’t give up, or go to the other extreme, which I hope I don’t need to spell out here. We will find a solution, and we will get out of this grey area together. Flirting will be fun again! Mistakes will once again be allowed to be made without witch hunts, and we will again find the humanity in our sexuality, and even our sensuality. It will just take time, education, asking tough questions and of course accepting a few more stumbles and growing pains.
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What if you had never heard the term monogamy? Instead, you were raised to believe that loving whom you wanted was possible and even encouraged. That when you fell in lust, you were not shamed, but instead praised and even encouraged to share your good fortune or some sexy stories to an accepting audience. What if your partnership was enhanced, by for example, morning videos of sexy times that new acquaintances or loved ones shared, and that became a part of your sexual experience? What if instead of sex shaming, we were a sex positive community that promoted safe sex, and human growth in whatever sexuality made the most sense or was even intriguing in the moment? What if our sexuality was a guilt free experience?
I was raised in monogamy. I was raised to feel guilty for not settling down and raising a family at the first chance I got. I was shamed for ending an engagement and not trying harder to stay with my first love and overcome any and all obstacles together. I was told that forever was finding a partner and uniting to become you and him against the world. That was true piece of mind, and the ultimate goal. Forever, with your soul mate, never having a wandering eye or straying from the one partner you would share your bed with exclusively, forever. I was raised with the absence of non-monogamy. I knew nothing about the spectrum outside of a monogamous reality. And if anything outside creeped into my reality, it was judged, squashed and shamed, so vigorously that I barely had time to give it a second thought.
But after waking up this morning to sexy video of a new couple we are exited to hang out with, I was exuberant in the fact that I could enjoy sex with my partner, and my ongoing fantasies completely shame free. I felt normal, and healthy and sex positive! Even now, I feel zero guilt for my imagination running wild with possibilities and what ifs. And the bonus of being able to share the sexual highs with my partner, or to be on the receiving end of his sexual excitement, sigh, it is exhilarating and liberating. And I almost wish this had always been my adult reality.
I don’t necessarily regret monogamy, as that is how I was raised, and I accept that. But I do wonder how much further ahead in life I would be if I had overcome jealousy earlier in life. How that would have impacted my work and family life. And more to the fact, how much closer I would have gotten to people sooner. I lived a very closed life, safely guarded for decades. And now that I have opened the doors wide to opportunity, closeness and love, I feel this incredible joy. Hugging people I care about is no longer awkward. Saying I love you, to a platonic female friend is hard to even put into words. I am actually stumbling to describe the feeling, other than to say, I sit here with a full heart, and a huge smile on my face just thinking about how great we both felt texting a quick “I love you” after an update on our lives. I wish, in a very profound way, that I was raised to believe that expressing yourself in a full and complete way, had always been acceptable.
As I write this, I cannot help feeling that speaking my truth will be construed as bragging. And while blogging in the way I do, has definitely helped to silence the fear I get from naysayers or criticisms, if nothing else by thickening my skin considerably, I still feel this is important to share regardless of the negative opinions of others. I have found considerable joy in non-monogamy. And I find it exciting to imagine a world not confined by the social constructs of one man for one women, till death do they part. We have already seen a huge social uprising, fighting for equality of the sexes and huge exposure of sexuality and gender issues. It is a remarkable time to be alive. So much social change is occurring, I am honestly excited for the next generation to be raised free of gender norms, in the same way I feel I was raised free of racial issues. It’s a step forward, and one that I feel will ultimately bring us closer together. While multiple love may not work for everyone, at least being tolerant of it, and accepting it in friends and family, in my opinion would be a pretty cool society to live in. A place that maybe one day, had never even heard of the word monogamy. Love who you want, when you want, and for however long that you want, so long as it is mutual and brings joy to your life. In short, the possibility of living in a world where monogamy didn’t exist.
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