Tag: ghosting

Organically Finding that Person…

    K Ghislaine

Last summer, I had this strange premonition that I would be with someone that I already knew.  It was honestly one of those moments that just shook me to my core.  I don’t get these feelings very often, but, when I do, I try my best to listen. Part of the reason this moment seemed to make sense to me, is due to me really wanting to meet someone that I was friends with first.  There is just something about having that friendship as a foundation that has made sense to me for a long time.  And my last two serious relationships did not have that as a start, so I figured trying something new wouldn’t hurt, hence organically finding that person.

The thing about that was now, I had to figure out this puzzle of my own design; who was this mystery person? Did this person actually exists or was my gut instinct just playing games? Well, if you’ve been reading my saga over the past few years, my life has been a flourish of heartbreak, ghosting, soul searching, and just finally becoming comfortable living solo.  I have honestly built up the strongest friendship circle of my life, with simply solid individuals that I adore. There is no person that I wouldn’t feel comfortable introducing to anyone else, even with all of our differences, which is a pretty big achievement. 

With that being said, I also took a bit of a leap of faith in the late spring and shut down every single online dating site I was a part of.  I figured that my best shot at finding a person to click with, was via the organic route.  As luck would have it, I ended up making some, shall we call it missed connections?  People from my past that timing wasn’t quite right, and on and on. Trial and mostly error!  Haha!  Any who, nothing was quite ticking all the boxes.  If the sex was good, they simply weren’t all in. Or if the physical was OK, the conversation was outstanding, so I tried a little too hard to keep that going, and well I could go on and on (truthfully the list makes it sound like there were far more connections than there were, and nothing could be farther from the truth as this is a summary of what has spanned a few years).  This didn’t really deter me, because with so much time spent dating on the non-monogamous side of things, I was aware of the distinct possibility that it would take a few men to really complete me. So I forged ahead.

Slowly, though, I had been taking the time to really journal and be honest with myself.  I am a better and stronger person in a relationship.  I really flourish in a partnership.  And that is nothing to beat myself up over, or to feel this strange weakness about. I like being there for someone, and having them there for me.  Of course, I am emotionally strong and conditioned to pretty much handle everything that gets thrown my way, but I want someone to cuddle, to be vulnerable with, and all that jazz. Yes, these are real moments I put down on paper. Identifying who I am/was/will be.

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I have put myself out there, emotionally, a lot!  I cannot understate how many times I have just gone for something, only to have the door slammed in my face, or simply disappear.  The surprising thing to me, is that instead of this hardening me, it’s actually given me a bit of confidence to keep being authentic and vulnerable.  Why?  The simple fact is I like being that person. Yes, I am not a person to be messed with, and I take very very little shit.  But, that’s not anything I need to work on or improve.  That is a large part of who I am.  But I like being able to share the sensitive side of me, without having to explain how tough I am as a check and balance.

Anyways, maybe you can relate to where I am coming from right now, or perhaps you felt something similar when those stars just aligned for you in meeting your spouse, or your bestie of besties, or really a person that just fits you.  I see the universe spiralling someone closer and closer to me, and to say I am excited would be an understatement.  And this has been completely organic, and someone that I have known for a while, and have been creating a pretty solid friendship with. Let us see where this chapter leads shall we?

Thank you everyone for the birthday beers last month! There is bunch of behind the scenes planned on my patreon for my sex positive challenge going on over on twitter. Hope to see you there!

Compassion, Empathy, Love

    K Ghislaine

( Trigger Warning: Please note that the following poem is a raw and real release, kindly skip this post if you are not comfortable with reading triggering phrases )

Raw and Real

To the man who gaslit me,

To the man who ghosted me,

You are no longer in control my thoughts even though you once consumed me.

To the man who hit me,

To the man who raped me,

You will never own my spirit even though you broke my body.

To the woman who violated me,

To the woman who demeaned me,

May you learn from my coldness, grow from my absence, and never again control another.

To the people who raised their voices,

To the people who ran to their keyboards,

May you face your foes in person, may you know true dialogue, and the art of real argument.

I have committed many errs,

I have made many mistakes,

My vow is to continuous learning, growth, and being accountable for my wrongs.

Compassion is king, empathy is queen, and love is our ace in the hole.

A huge thank you to everyone for their loving support of this blog, and all my endeavours. And of course, for keeping the beer flowing.

Relationship Breakdown Realizations and Owning My Part

    K Ghislaine
Bowser and I in Nature

After all the rants, raves, frustration, and putting out into the universe all the things I wish would make people better (or better for me), I remembered the one simple truth: the only person I can change is me. Relationship are a two way street, and clearly I am in a place right now whereby I am attracting a certain type of man that is not doing my mental health any favours. While I am aware that mental health and depression is on the rise, I also have to take accountability for the fact that dating 3 men in a row battling depression is more than coincidence.  While I take pride in being empathetic, warm, good natured, and really easy going, those are not the traits that I should be putting forth. Instead, I need to regain my confidence, assertiveness, and bring that sass onto the table from the get go. Why? Because I am tired of having men walk all over me, or just disappear. And if I’m being honest, I have been making that really easy. So here I am trying to own my part of the recent slew of relationship breakdowns.

Now, please don’t misunderstand. I am not taking accountability for the ghosters. That is abhorrent behaviour and we must all work to call out that BS whenever it occurs. I take nothing back from my rant or recent Medium article talking about how we must start talking about breakups and how to end things.  We MUST do better!

What I am saying though, is me being a passive, chill, and relaxed is not the answer right now.  And the evidence is in the fact that I am not finding people who challenge me, who engage me, or who want to stick around. I’ve become a dating pacifist, who is just too damn easy going and go with the flow. Sure, these are real character traits that I am proud to possess, but as my closest friends can attest, our friendships never started out that way. I am an intense individual.  And I need to own that. Passionate, driven, and a person with very little patience.  These are the traits that attracted the best men into my life. And these are the ones I have to harness again.

Do you want to know something though? I couldn’t actually figure out what I was doing wrong until I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and changed up everything. Granted I did it on a very small scale. But still, it must be noted that I packed up my car, my dog, and headed west. I drove back and forth between a small town in BC, trying to pick a location that was secluded, surrounded by trees, and basically, perfect for a writing retreat. I actually started crying while looking, because I realized solo travelling is really difficult for me. I am confident with people I know, but damn, I am out of practice in new situations. And as that realization slowly made the tears stop, I simplified things, and just looked for a simple picnic table. While on the quest for that spot I could make my lunch, a spot surrounded with trees soon appeared, and everything I was looking for was suddenly there. But, the first step, was keeping in keeping it simple stupid.

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And with that, I refuelled, went for a walk with my dog, and suddenly remembered to breath. Here I was, in the most serene spot, completely unexpected, and I realized I needed to empower myself. I have never been able to rely on others to do it for me. But, I kinda fooled myself into thinking I could. And with this reset of time, space, by being out in nature, I felt OK. I did something big and scary, and I was fine. Because of course I was fine. I always land on my feet, no matter what shit gets thrown at me. And I need to trust that again. Yes, things are going to be hard. Yes, difficulty is part of my life, but… I will find what I need. But only if I project the correct image. This sweet, kind, and affectionate being is not the one I need to lean on right now. And… it took me a long time to remember that, and a ridiculous amount of heartache.

So, let us scratch that. Start again. Call out the first half of 2021 for being an experiment that I gave some solid attempts to, and go back to something that works. I am now ready to attract the people to me that are going to compliment me in all the best ways.  And I wish the same, for each and every one of you!  And don’t you worry, I will share with you all each fuck up along the way!

A huge shout-out to everyone who has given me beer money this summer! Your support motivates me to keep going, and creating!

The Pain of Ghosting

    K Ghislaine

That Too Many of Us Know

The Pain of Ghosting

I’ve had my opinions on why ghosting someone sucks for years. Never for a moment did I think a person who ghosts someone else was an admiral human being. In fact, the contrary. I still believe that a person who just stops responding for no reason is a coward, and spineless. These individuals are not ready to date, because I believe dating adults need to understand how to end a relationship, and handle rejection with grace. But that is an article for another time (or just the one I link to later on), for now, let me share my recent experience with being ghosted.  Just so we are on the same page, let me start with the definition.

What is ghosting?

It is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Why am I writing about this?

Because, I was seeing a guy for almost 9 weeks, and out of the blue, he just stopped responding to any messages where I said I wanted to see him. And then, just stopped messaging me altogether.

The thing about this is, I always assumed that ghoster’s would be douchebags, or FuckBoys, or people with zero confidence. I thought that I was smart enough to spot someone who would do that to another person a mile away. Well, I was just knocked down a peg, and my dating confidence was in fact called into question. It’s difficult to be left with all these unanswered questions. To be just left wondering. And what’s worse, to have it done to you by someone that you genuinely thought was just a kind, amazing soul. This guy and I clicked. We made each other smile, and the in-person chemistry was fantastic, or so I thought. Because ultimately, I will never know for sure. My perception remains invalidated due to his silence.

It’s not that I expected this relationship to be forever. But, he made me happy, and did incredibly sweet things for me and I tried to be spontaneous and thoughtful in return. I felt amazing in his arms, and just thinking about him made me smile.  But here I am, wondering, if it was all in my head?

The lack of closure, is uncomfortable. The uncertainty of what happens if we ever run into each other again is real. These situations are not what I expected to encounter as an adult in the dating world. Ghosting, shouldn’t happen when you’re in your late 30’s (as we both were). There just doesn’t seem to be a rational reason with the simplicity of texting at our fingertips.

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But then the compassionate, bleeding heart in me goes… wait… did something happen to him? Maybe it wasn’t me. Perhaps that last message I sent him was the final kick in the nuts, and I’m the real asshole now. Maybe I pushed him too far, and really, he was planning on seeing me, but wanted it to be a surprise (Ha… OK that is a stretch).  In short though, welcome to my brain, because it would be easier for me to be the one in the wrong.  If that was the case, I can fix my behaviour, own it, or basically have some sort of control. Being ghosted like this, takes all power away from me, and leaves that sickening helpless feeling. Which, I know some of you may be wondering what my final text to him was, because if you know me at all, helpless is not something I tolerate.  So here goes pain and all:

“Kinda bummed you just stopped messaging or making an effort to see me. I thought we got along well, and really enjoyed spending time with you. Le sigh…”

Of course his response… Nothing!

So, to all of us out there dating, please don’t ghost other humans. If you have no idea how to face rejection or reject another human, please give the Handling Rejection section of How to Start Conversations. In short, just be good to each other. Truly, we have all been through enough with 2020!

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