Week 13 & 14: Honesty and Making a Living

What a powerful combination of weeks to end up being paired together by me, and my super busy life: Honesty and Making a Living. So, let me just dive into this one. Honesty was prompted by a quote from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in which she talks to fiction and it’s truthfulness. In fact, she argues that authors are more truthful when they write fiction than they are when they write non-fiction, i.e. memoirs. Of course this struck a chord with me. In fact, my first real attempt at writing my first book was in the fiction medium. The reason, was that I was currently with my partner, and required the veil of fiction to properly get some words on the page that I knew he would feel bad about.

Looking back at that, I cannot help but wonder what that story would have looked like had I continued. Ultimately I am glad I didn’t finish that work, but when it comes to part II of this challenge and Making a Living, well, here I am, not. I learned a fun fact about the Little Women author Louisa May Alcott, that I had never read before, and that was her novel was written for money. While this certainly doesn’t change my outlook on writing, and what is overall permissible to write in order to get notoriety, it did give me a moments pause.

My partner always jokes that I should write a harlequin romance novel, to fund the writing of my actual passions. And whenever I hear this, I laugh and laugh and laugh. But, am I really laughing? The hard truth is my subject matter is not really “monetizable”. For more on that, please read A Free Pass: Writing About Sex as a Woman, in which I explain more on this. But the thing is, the hard thing to come to terms with is, if I had made my book a fiction, instead of a memoir, it might very well have been more easily swallowed. The thing is, we are not yet in a sex positive society, and thus we are more comfortable knowing what really goes on in a relationship under the guise of make-believe.

But you see, I want that to change. I want to push the envelope and be the person who doesn’t make you uncomfortable reading about these things. And so, I suppose, until my book gets published, I will keep not making a living at writing the words that my passion aligns with. And I will continue to be grateful that I have a day job, that pays me for words, at least on a part time basis, even though the words are branded and for them. I am lucky in that. But I yearn to be even luckier, and to one day make a living to do write and talk about the things that I think we need more of in our society, sex positivity (a word still not in the dictionary!).

Thank you all for sharing my ramblings, and an even bigger shoutout to my Patreon subscribers!

It’s OK to Feel Not OK

Deep Breath… It’s OK

Recently I was faced with a choice, to respond to a person in the way that I would like to be responded to, or to do my standard joking, playful, and seemingly dismissive retort.  Was that vague enough?  OK, so a guy I was planning a date with, messaged that he was having a rough day and didn’t feel up to seeing me.  Of course I was disappointed, but… and here’s the but… I was so shocked and ultimately impressed that this guy was able to tell me he was in a dark place, that I didn’t write my default message. In that moment, I realized that it was up to me, to take a step back, and really take stock of the situation. I have been putting out into the universe that I want men to be honest with me. And just like that, he was.

I have long been a believer in mental health days being just as crucial to our health as physical health days.  Why do we have sick days, and not depressed days?  It simply makes no sense.  And as a person who knows good and bad days, why is it permissible that I bail on event because I have a cold, but not to say that I can barely get myself out of bed and dressed? For some reason we are expected to just rally, or what I think happens more often than not, lie or make up excuses for our absence.  This, needs to stop.

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Yes, it is completely valid to feel bummed when someone can’t make it out to see you.  However, it is important to reflect on the strength of character it takes a person to just send that text, especially when they are feeling too low to move. Remember, our emotions are valid!

This brings me to another shocking revelation about myself. OK, fine, something that I should come to terms with. I have consistently created a safe space for my dearest friends.  We can openly talk about our bad days, and remind each other to drink water, get some vitamin D, let it out, and stretch or move. Yeah, I have some pretty incredible souls in my life.  That being said, I have not formed the same bonds with men.  In my mind, I know I am open minded, and empathetic to almost all things.  But, have I articulated that?  Have I ever lead by example?  Do I properly communicate that my space is a safe and understanding space?  Definitively not… especially at first. I tend to keep my emotions to myself.  And I think, if I’m being honest, I have created a double standard between friends and lovers.  I seem to hold lovers to a higher standard of openness without putting the work in myself. So yay, opportunity areas right???  Ugh… So many things to work on and improve.  Self improvement just never ends does it?

I don’t know when too soon is to be open and vulnerable, so there will be mistakes made. My hope is, that I can continue what just felt right the other day. Acknowledging that there will be good and bad day, and I want to be with people who understand that. Create the spaces you want to be in yourself. Stop this whole double standard thing whereby my friends can get away with so much more than the men in my life can. I can do this!

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