A Few Stumbles Loving Myself

As I continue the uphill battle of falling back in love with myself, I have to keep reminding myself that the only certainty in life is that I will always be with me. Humans will come and go, but at the end of it all, I need to be someone that I can look back upon and just be proud. For decades, I only wanted to be the sunshine in my step dad’s eyes. My raison d’être was making him smile. And, if you have read any of my posts about the gaslighter who use to be in my life, well… that blew up royally in my face. I made that fatal mistake, of living for someone else. And as I mentioned in my last post, I did the same thing over the last year. My motivations were different, and of course, I would do it again in a heartbeat, but now it is time for me.

I have always had a creative mind, that ran parallel with this inane desire to do everything myself. I equated loving myself with being able to do everything on my own. Pride equals hard work, and this weird solo sense of worth. As a person who has only been single for about 6 months her entire adult life, that is a pretty strange thing to say. I have had incredible partners, and yet, I would never let them help me sort out my career, finances, or have any say in who I am as a person (good or bad). And as I sit here, writing alone in my house I have to admit, that this line of thinking is wrong.

I have not done myself a single favour by going alone. I love being an individual, but I cannot help wondering where I would be at if I just let someone in without kicking and screaming. Would that behaviour make me less lovable? Admitting vulnerability? I mean sure, if you follow my twitter, or have read a few of my more intimate posts you know I can open up. I absolutely have it in me. But… it is always on my terms. I deal with what I choose to, when I choose to, and can pretty much keep everything else in nice and neat boxes (the last year of my life not withstanding). However I am only open on my terms, and have never been that bubbly warm soul that everyone wants to be friends with.

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There are so many times that I have wished I could be that person who walks into a room, and just lights it up. My grandmother is genuinely loved by everyone who meets her. She is that rare soul that you just cannot help but adore. Generous, warm, hard working, always smiling, and an amazing cook/baker. The greatest testament to her amazing effect on people is that every breakup my mom went through, I would hear the outed party comment about how much they would miss my grandmother. And I have always admired this quality in her, while also knowing, I could never fill these shoes.

As I spend this summer coming to much more intimate terms with who I am, and what makes me amazing, it is difficult not to fall into an old trap, the desire of being that lady in red. That woman who makes heads turn when she walks into a room, and has an entourage of people laughing at her every word. I, so badly want to please people, while at the same time being true to my independent self.  It’s a balance game I should probably just give up on, because if I have learned anything, it is that I am not able to achieve it.

When I open my mouth, I quickly sense the person that I have offended, or rubbed the wrong way. Call it a gift! Of course I make it worse if I backtrack, or try and dig myself out of those holes. So, I try to say less, and listen more. Which if I am being honest is one of the things I truly love about myself. Being able to listen with compassion has opened up a whole world of new people and possibilities. And this is the foundation of me falling back in love with me. That and of course some amazing sex toys!

Deep down, I know I want people to fall in love with me, when I am in love with myself. I don’t desire anyone to pity me, or feel that they need to help me, solve my problems, or dig me out of endless hole. I have never desired that knight in shining armour to come and rescue me on his noble stead. I can only rescue myself. And that is what I am doing, one day at a time, so I can resume the most sex forward, and positive adventures of my life!

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Sex is Just Sex?


Sex is a subject that bears with it great emotion.  I know that statement goes without saying but I thought it was worth stating.  I have a lot of emotion attached with sex and have often found that the height of my need to say loving words is during this intimate event.  Afterwards though I have an odd relief that I kept my mouth shut and that realization that the physical is just physical overrides.  I wonder if I am alone in this?  Passion overtakes the rational at moments of weakness and sex certainly is one of those moments.  So where does that leave us? In the end sex can be physical, emotional, or at times both.  Where do we draw that line?

As a relationship progresses the desire for the emotions I find becomes stronger outside the physical act and to me that is where love really begins.  Love is growth, a bond and understanding of people with the desire to support each others goals.  Or to quote the dictionary:

love

 [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
noun
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.

But wait, how exactly does point three come into play?  Isn’t that the definition for sex and not love?  If even the dictionary cannot keep these terms and definitions clear for the English speakers than how exactly are we to keep these things clear and level headed? To me there is a great difference between sex and love.

I know a couple who are very career oriented people and are living abroad.  They have been together for quite a long time, and being career oriented there was some long distance elements to their relationship.  When one or the other would have to come home to Canada to visit family or take additional courses the understanding was always that yes they would have physical needs apart.  And that was absolutely OK with both parties.  To go out and have a casual night here or there was almost encouraged as both parties were doing the same.  This couple has been together for many years and have just welcomed their first child.  This child is being born to two very successful parents in the most loving and forward thinking environment that I have seen.

Now I will admit that when I first was told of the understanding this couple had I was very judgmental about the whole arrangement. I kept my mouth shut and supported my friends but I often wish I would have asked more questions from the couple.  It didn’t seem like being open or discussing was even a possibility.  It was their life and they could live it how they chose as long as I didn’t have to ever lie about what I knew.  This vow let me sleep at night, but something just didn’t seem right.  The most odd thing is that I had completely forgotten about this whole situation until a few days ago.  I have been writing this blog for over a month looking for real life scenarios and one was right under my nose the whole time.

This gives me a lot of hope.  That I could forget that this was even a point of some discomfort for me.  That my opinionated little self could look past their actions and support their new family with open arms.  This blog could one day be the norm and not need to be discussed and brought to the surface of our awareness.  That sex can be sex and that a relationship can be so much more than that. 

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