Tag: myth

Questioning My Sexuality

    K Ghislaine
My Sexuality

Many years ago, when my partner and I were first starting to navigate what our open relationship could look like, I made a bold claim.  I said, in what he probably would describe as a moment of desperation, that I wanted us both to have a girlfriend.  Someone that the three of us could hang out with, but more than that, a female that I could confide in.  I wanted a sexual new best friend.  If you have read any of my posts in regards to women, I was not raised to believe that women could support each other. Instead, I had that whole females are in constant competition myth going on in my head.  So, in an attempt to get on board with my partner dating other woman, I hatched a plan that would involve me as well. 

It was a terrible plan, born out uncertainty, mistrust, and just basically a place where I knew if I asked a female on a date, things would go terribly.  I was not in a head space to date women.  I didn’t ask myself what I actually wanted, or what I would be willing to offer a female.  So, I went back to my norm, and decided that if a female fell into my lap it would be in an organic way, and zero effort would be required.  Flash forward 8 years, and other than foursomes, I have been on exactly 2 dates with women.  And both times, it was with the pretence of just doing it to making the dating of four people easier.  So that whole, it will happen organically, has not proven to be the case.

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I think part of the issue, is that, while I will fully admit that I am attracted to humans, and not specific genders.  The underlying fact is that women make me nervous.  And not for the reasons that you may think.  I am nervous about hurting a woman’s feelings, or not being able to be my assertive self.  What I mean by that, is I set ground rules, then expect them to be followed implicitly because I am a passive lover.  With women, I wouldn’t even know how to start.  I have this whole, romantic notion in my head, and nowhere in that scenario is a discussion about likes, dislikes, or who leads versus follows.

And this ambiguity, has ensured that I do not make any first steps when it comes to women.  I have on our couple profiles that I am sexually comfortable, but primarily straight.  It feels wrong to say that I am curious or bisexual, because I have never felt that connection or intimacy with a woman that has tipped the scales.  In fact, my female experiences have been drunk, or from incredibly aggressive women that have actually scared me off.  I can say for certainty that having a stranger force their tongue down my throat while I am getting off is NOT a kink of mine. 

So, why do I write this post?  Honestly, because I am questioning if my relationship fluid nature, also extends to gender fluidity.  I am curious what it would be like, yet, feel held in place by not wanting to lead anyone on, or worse, make a female feel that I was just using them to really find out if I have more of a bisexual tendency than I realize.  And I am nervous about opening pandoras box.  I don’t know if I would be able to handle the attention of being non-monogamous and a little bit bi-sexual.  That feels like far too much responsibility to handle.  And to all you incredible people on Twitter that are both, I am in awe daily of how you navigate that, schedule and maintain the complexity of the relationships, and just live so authentically!  So here I sit, on the sidelines, questioning my sexuality, and wondering what having an actual girlfriend would look like…

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3 Myths I Believed About Sex

    K Ghislaine
Water is not lube, no matter where you put it!

If you search for blogs discussing sex myths, you are going to find a tonne of them.  Some that you may laugh, cringe, cry, or even, dare I say, learn something from?  In this post I would like to focus on a few that personally had an effect on my sex life.  And why, I always try and push for better sexual education and open and honest, consent first, discussions when it comes to sex.  Some myths cause far more harm than others but the fact remains all of these sex myths impacted my path to being sex positive.

Myth 1: You can tell a woman is ready by how wet she is

A woman shows she’s ready for sex by being wet enough for immediate penetration.  While physiologically, yes, this may happen, there were numerous times in my world of monogamy where I wanted a quickie and was not quite wet.  The man I was sleeping with would grow concerned that I just didn’t want it, based on my level of self lubrication.  And would either be turned off, or try and get me wet (so I guess that’s a plus?).  The thing was, he believed my bodies response, over my words as a direct result of this myth.  Obviously this made a huge impact on my views of my body, and I would try and pre-game so to speak to ensure I was always wet enough for sex.  All I can say to this, is I now have a container of lube on every level of my house, and is always a part of my sex purse.  Why? Because lube (affiliate link to my favorite lube) is awesome and this myth is crazy.

Myth 2: Anal sex makes you cool

In this one, I am going to lump a whole bunch of anal misconceptions that I have into one paragraph with the disclaimer that I was very ill informed about anal sex right from the get go, and basically had zero business doing it, or talking about it.  I could blame my catholic school girl sex education, porn, or the internet in general for the misinformation, but I think it is better to just dispel this myth altogether and all the variations that go along with it.

  • Once you warm up the first time, you shouldn’t have to spend as much time warming up the next. 
  • The type or quality of the lube does not matter, it’s all about the volume of it.
  • Having sex in the butt is the ultimate way to show your man that you love him.
  • You are super bad ass and sexy as fuck if you do it in the butt.  That’s what bad girls do, and the taboo makes you hella cool.

A quick summary on this one, yes, I at one time or another was exposed and believed these myths to be true.  As a result, I am still anal sex conflicted and did spend a significant amount of time healing from a very bad experience.  

Myth 3: A woman can only orgasm from one body part

Now this one, is a bit of a gray area for me.  I remember watching the Friends episode that discussed all the different erogenous zones, and while TV shouldn’t be the way people form their base sexual education, the reality is that it happens all the time.  So, I was fully aware that women could get sexual pleasure from more than one place.  With that being said, the episode did focus on the big finale, so I for a long time equated all my erogenous zones with being part of the fourplay.  It wasn’t until much later in life that I embraced the fact that I can have a pretty amazing orgasm just from having my breasts sucked in a certain way and that it doesn’t always have to peak with PIV (penis in vagina) sex.  The reason I include this one in my list of myths that affected me, is due to the fact that I have had more conversations than I can count with men absolutely mystified by this little tidbit.  No, I am not some magical, sexual anomaly. In fact, I think if more people understood that sex and orgasms are much for fluid in nature for woman, sex in general would improve for many.

So in an effort to keep this short and sweet, I am going to leave this list at 3.  Please feel free to share your own myths, and how they affected you, via this blog, on my Patreon, or on Twitter.