Tag: Online Dating

Open… But in a Different Way

    K Ghislaine
Ray of Sunshine!

I’d be a fool to pretend that I knew what the future held for me relationship wise. If relationships were one sided, and a person could just choose who they wanted, plead their case, and either receive a yes or a no that would be one thing. But… life, relationships, and love are complex beasts. The good news is that I will never run out of things to research, explore, or write about. The bad news however is the emotional rollercoaster that I get to feel in my personal life. And if you caught my last post, right now I am being led by my very own heart for the first time that I can remember.  While it is terrifying, there is something incredibly rewarding of being able to just feel with my whole heart. And being open for a relationship.

In conjunction, my recent piece for Medium explores the idea of validating emotions. And when writing that, something pretty unique popped into my head, well unique for me, and that is the role of dating apps in my life. With my heart in control of finding me a relationship worthy of my whole heart, there is a possibility that I will be able to delete all my online dating apps. Whoa you might be saying!  Am I admitting to no longer wanting to explore non-monogamy? Well, here’s the thing, I want to explore first a healthy, loving, supportive, two person driving relationship. Does that make sense?

(affiliate link)

Whatever two people decide should be a mutual effort. And with that, I strongly advocate for developing a rock solid foundation. That, in my personal experience is best achieved by removing all the extra noise and distractions. Thus, being able to delete everything and just focus on two people.  It’s an exciting prospect. I’ve always said that if I had kids (which to be clear is not what I am doing right now), anything outside of monogamy would be off the table for a bit. So, the idea of deleting apps one day was always real to me, but the why of course was a curveball I didn’t anticipate. Oh life… you’re so full of surprises, aren’t you?

I’m not jumping the gun and rushing into a lifelong relationship here, but I am going to take a little break from looking for a while. There is a man I am smitten for, and we both need time and space to see if this is a fit. Life gets in the way, and we both have some hurdles to overcome before we give each other a real go. That being said, there is hope here. Hope, I haven’t felt this strongly… well… ever? To have a person who just brings you joy, exclusively is something I wasn’t sure existed.  And maybe I will find out it doesn’t. That being said, I am open to being proved wrong.

It’s September and that means it is my birthday month! So feel free to buy me a beer via my Patreon!

Restlessness in the Wake of My Heart Taking the Lead

    K Ghislaine

A Few More Dating Musings

My Little Writing Helper

There is something I have never felt comfortable talking about, and that is all the times I let my heart get lost to lust, before finding the person I can’t wait to introduce to all my friends. And that is the restless place I find myself in now. I enjoy falling in lust because it can quickly turn into something long lasting. It’s so fun to lose myself to a person, and feel them lose themselves in me for a few moments in time and space. The chasing butterflies is something I written frequently about, and has been one of the biggest joys in my non-monogamous exploration.

But now, I want to briefly describe where I’m currently at, a place in time where I get so excited about a few good men, race to tell all my friends, and then have them disappear or things just not work out. I catch myself feeling a bit crazy, for providing my dearest with a long list of people they have to sort out in their minds, as my heart just happily flutters about. And then boom, is miserable in the wake of loneliness.  It’s a real roller-coaster.  And, I am not 100 percent sure how most people deal with this.

I am unique in my openness and honesty. So perhaps this is simply a bi-product that my friends have to get used to with me until I meet someone who will be still with me. Or maybe, this is why people tend to disappear when they are single and free, because there is just too much going on at the same time to make heads or tails of? Or is it just me again? Do people not date the way I do? With a heavy vetting process that by the time we actually meet, I am fairly confident that we are going to at least make it a few dates in before the fizzle or ghosting occurs?

Processing this is tough. And as none of my nearest and dearest are currently single, I feel like I am navigating alone… again.  Restlessness is a key tenant of mine. When I see something, I like, I go for it. I am all in, and bundle of energy.  And let me tell you, that when the sex is great, I am even more intense and have to remind myself to relax and enjoy the happy ride. It’s a feeling I am used to being a morning person in a world of night owls. My chipper, conquer the world mentality at dawn, does not bode well for… well anyone in my life but my dog.  He loves me for it! And I am used to taking it down a notch for the sanity of those around me. The answer may lie in extending this same thing when it comes to my dating life.  But damn it, some people just get me so excited.

Looking for a New Sex Toy? Love 50% off? Check out this article to find out how!

If you follow me on Twitter (NSWF), you may have noticed a tweet or two in regards to this this silly experiment I am trying out called, shut off my brain and let my heart decide for a while.  It has been… interesting to say the least. I am currently completely head over heels and happy with the kind soul who needs a little time and space. My heart, and body (if I am completely honest) will not let me entertain even the most gorgeous of men into my consciousness right now. I am being held hostage by my heart, and well, it’s something new to experience. But again, how do I properly explain to my besties that I am simply going for a ride right now. That I am putting my normal calm, rational demeaner on the back burner? Especially to those that just want me to be happy!

All I can say is, this is a post with no answer. A good ole fashioned blog post with musings and putting out into the universe that I definitely do not have all the answers. I’m helpless to time, space, and my heart right now. It’s chosen, and… that’s clearly that. Ooph.  Let the roller-coaster of life continue I suppose. 

Thank you all who have provided me with a little liquid encouragement via my Patreon! I promise you it is going to a good cause, and I hope to provide a book update very soon!!!

I Give: Dating is HARD!

    K Ghislaine

A Brief Vent

Beerlover_Boobowner (IG)

There is something that I’ve been doing lately, it’s driving me nuts, and proving to be a much harder habit to break than I could have imagined. And that is uttering the words “I give” when it comes to the men coming in and out of my life. The frustration I feel with men, is growing into resentment, and actually creating an alter ego in me, far removed from my core value of never giving up on people. I am loyal, almost to the point of fault. That being said, the growing disappointment in men just not owning their shit, or being honest and telling me there is a problem, or just plain old breaking up with me is making me jaded. This year I was full on ghosted after a few months of dating, and then I had one of closest male friends just up and stop responding to my texts. And please don’t get me started on the 2 or 3 dates and done guys.

Look, I am a realist, and recognize that it’s going to take a while to find somebody I want to settle down with, but sheesh… can we not just have some fun first? And when the fun is not there, simply own your feelings and tell me! Crazy fun fact, did you know you can tell a person that you’re not sure what you’re feeling and if you see a future? Did you know that you can simply be honest that you don’t know where you’re at in life? Or more to the point, just tell me whatever you’re feeling or not feeling, and the allow me the courtesy of closure or at the very least not guessing? Wanna break the old adage of women having to be mind readers? Why not just be honest!?!

I know breakups suck. Being broken up with and then realizing that you will still be living with the person who broke your heart is a real thing I have experienced. Or that “fun” time, I broke up with a guy, and my then partner still wanted to date his wife.  Talk about awkward situation, but, we all talked it through and made the best decisions we could. Or how about the time I ended an engagement? Seriously, I understand the pain involved in the discussions that things aren’t working for whatever reason. But you know what’s actually worse? The not knowing. When someone just walks away and doesn’t even say goodbye. Or the person who just won’t admit to themselves or to others what they are really feeling. And let us not forget the person who was terrified of falling in love with me, so just up and left. Le sigh…

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate link)

So here I sit, trying to find some way of removing the “I give” from my vocabulary when men do, what men have been doing to me for far too long. It’s a struggle. And that hope that someday, I won’t feel this way is faltering more times than I want to admit. I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up, however, no one seems to want to step up and be worthy of my time and affection. With this revelation, I know why I’m struggling to replace I give… because there isn’t anything to replace it with. I am exhausted. And I am tired of feeling hopeful, and then being faced with the stark nothingness of it all, because I don’t even get goodbyes. So, I guess I have to stop fighting this, and just accept, that currently, I don’t have anything to give. End RANT!

Thank you to everyone who has supplied me with beer money during this difficult dating journey via my Patreon!

Weird Rituals and Things I Do When I Like Someone

    K Ghislaine
Libra Tattoo

Ok, I am about to share some things that I do when I like someone, and my hope is we can have some fun conversations about the lighter side of dating. I know, I have been venting a lot lately (Twitter), and my piece on the Pain of Ghosting definitely struck some chords with people. So let me be the first to proclaim that I can also be ridiculous, and fun, and I hope bringing some smiles or absurdity to the world will start changing my luck!  Haha!  A girl can dream right?  So, without further ado, here are some of the weird dating rituals that I do when I first meet someone, and actually start to like them.

Googling Them

While this one seems fairly standard in today’s day and age, I take this one as more of a sleuthing challenge. For some strange reason, I don’t ever ask someone’s last name, and instead prefer to “discover it” by putting random details that I have found out on a first date into various searches and discovering it. Looking back, I have always taken pride in figuring out a guys last name, and used to take a sneak peak at their drivers licence or credit card.  Haha!  Are you creeped out yet?  Oh, it gets weirder.

NoMoreWetSpot.com (Affiliate banner)

Sign Compatibility

Obviously, the point of those first few dates is to discover the likelihood of any budding romance or long-term compatibility. But, I do something a little strange, or at the very least something I don’t usually admit to people, I google zodiac compatibility. Why is this strange? Because I put zero stock in anything zodiac related. I have many thoughts on the subject (and believe me I would be a hypocrite to judge anyone for enjoying horoscopes being that I have my sign tattoo on my ankle) , but now, horoscopes and the like just aren’t a thing I consume. Well, except when it comes to compatibility tests. I absolutely love reading how two people rate when it comes to sex, love, and communication. And the best part, even if we are not a match, astronomically speaking, I take it as a personal challenge to be the exception to the rule. Really, I have to laugh at the ridiculousness of letting the stars be my guide in this instance.

Physical Chemistry

And last but not least, the final, or sometimes the first thing I do, is test the physical chemistry waters. Yes, sex is incredibly important to me, and if I don’t get butterflies reminiscing about that first touch or clothes off encounter, it’s going to be a no from me. Why even mince words on this one? I love sex, I want a steady stream of orgasms, and excitement for my life, so… it’s got to be there. And while I don’t expect an orgasm the first time, I am fully aware of my body, and know if I will get one in the near future.

Time shall tell if these strange little things will actually pan out or not. For the interim, they are kinda fun to do, especially that last section! Haha! So what are your little singledom rituals? Do you wear lucky lingerie? Memorize their phone number? Or something completely out of left field? Comment below! And don’t forget to check out Patreon for all the latest posts, behind the scenes photos, and much more!

Dating Outside of the Non-Monogamous World

    K Ghislaine
Homage to Elmer Fudd: The Hunt is on…

I recently made a choice, for better or for worse remains to be seen, but it’s this, to start looking for people outside of the non-monogamous community to date. It was/is not an easy decision, and one that I know is going to bring with it challenges far beyond what I can even imagine. The thing is though, it is the only logical thing to do. I am not happy with the people I have met from the non-monogamous dating sites (to be clear dating site are not the same as online communities). I know saying that is going to ruffle some feathers, but my whole premise of being open and honest right from the get go, has bit my ass far too many times. In fact, it has done nothing but, and I am just over it. Not one success story going alone? Just read A Few Almost Dating Stories for example.  Ok, fool me once, but now it’s time to try something new, dating outside of non-monogamy.

When I met my now ex, I was monogamous. He opened my eyes to a relationship norm that I never knew existed and I found my place in the world, eventually… haha! That gives me hope that there is someone out there, or multiple someone’s that the same can be true. I feel guilty at moments, and right now, I am putting myself through sexual hell by not sleeping with this guy until we have a big chat (OK, that was the plan anyways, but again, future post!). Which if I’m being honest may not be something I ever do again.  But, this is attempt one, at getting back into being an amazing flirt, and allowing someone to fall for me, and not my relationship status. Does that make any sense?

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate link)

My horror stories with being sexualized, fetishized, and all the things from non-monogamous (or pretending to be non-monogamous people) over the past few years tells me one thing… I want more from a relationship! I want to be cared and cherished for more than just the idea that we don’t have to be monogamous. I want to be the booty that someone craves, for at least a little while. You know, just craving each other, again and again. Really getting to know each other without distractions, building a foundation, before opening up. Wait, does this mean I am finally ready to admit that I want to do non-monogamy my way?

If you had asked me 5 years ago if I would ever date a newbie, I would have said hell no. I wasn’t ready to do so, and I wasn’t confident enough to communicate, teach, or guide another human being through what is an often intense range of experiences. Now I can say now that I am no longer that beginner. I teach (often through my mistakes), I guide (after calm reflection on Medium), and I am shocked that the outcome of this is how excited I am to see someone’s eyes open for the first time. Obviously, consent is paramount here. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but, this is something I am ready to experience. And it feels … right somehow. In the way that, I know I won’t get what I want doing what I have been doing. And from my own experience I know that if you’re introduced to non-monogamy in the right way, a safe and supportive way, it can be incredible.

No post would be complete without a huge shout-out to everyone who bought me beers last week through Patreon. I have been in a writer’s creative bliss, and it is in part due to having some delicious creative juices.  Thank you!