Tag: Relationships

S%x Fixes Everything

    K Ghislaine

For the longest time, I have held firm to the belief that the most sacred and primal of acts, can in fact fix anything. OK, clearly not absolutely everything, but I have leaned on this idea to patch over more than a handful of difficult situations. And while I desperately want to blame my upbringing, or past men in my life for planting this idea, the truth is, this one is all on me. The idea hit me, long long ago, and I have tricked my little mind into thinking that it has actually worked, and given me more time with the people I have wanted to be with. I mean, the long standing myth is that men only want s%x, ergo, if I want to be with them, then presto… we do it all the time for a happy ever after.

Unfortunately, while the act itself is fun, and provides a lot of health benefits, especially when it comes to endorphins, and all those amazing good mood hormones that get released, it doesn’t actually fix problems. Oh, for sure it covers them up for a time. You know that post coitus afterglow time, when everything is magical and happy. But when those happy forces subside, you’re left with the reality of the situation, which sucks so, you do it again. Or at least that is how I managed to extend the life on very dead relationships in the past. And well, it was made all the easier to accomplish, because as you well know, there were multiple people with whom I could chase my orgasmic highs from.

In my head this post played out as more of an instructional, not to do when it comes to keep a relationship alive. And perhaps I will develop that further into a Medium article about some more pitfalls regarding my time in non-monogamy, elaborating on the whole Lust vs Love revelation. Actually you know me, I definitely will. This post however, has taken me on a different path, which is the truth, that fixing things with intercourse does not work when the relationship is not the problem. I am going to go cry in a little corner for a moment, so take a pause with me, and perhaps go shopping for a new toy or waterproof blanket on my home page? *Sniff* *sob* *wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

OK, that was embarrassing, but I’m back. Deep breath here. My relationship is amazing and doesn’t need fixing and that’s wonderful, but I am still in a rut. Why? Because I need some fixing. Nothing huge or major, but I’ve been sad for a while, and have been running on fumes. Thus, this feeling of burntout-ness. It may not be a real word now, but just you watch it catch on become the new thing… burnt-out-ness. It just has all the feels to it. As I wrote in my last post, I am starting to blog again, because I know deep down, sharing in this way balances me. And it is those small things that I need to start doing more regularly, so I can fall back on something while I am tackling some huge life endeavours. And what makes it harder, is that I don’t have a relationship to complain about. All I have, is myself. I have the closest to perfection that I could ever wish for, and am faced with the truth that my relationship with self, kinda sucks right now.

So there, I have admitted I have a problem. And this is notice to self, that we are going to tackle this. We are going to deep dive into why we are here, and why things are not feeling amazing. No more hiding behind self love (yes, that means exactly what you think that means). No more little bursts of relief. We are the result of all our past behaviours, actions, and those people who shared the journey, and it’s time to take a hard look at what we need to let go of, and what things we bring with us for our future journey. But first… s%x! Kidding, not kidding, oh this is going to be hard.

As always, thank you for the love, support, likes, and shares. And those messages of solidarity. Sure I cry when received, but damn do I ever appreciate you all.

Staying in My Lane?

    K Ghislaine

For the past year or so, I have shifted my blog into something that felt more authentic to me, and that was my current struggles with getting pregnant. My blog has always been a way for me to sort out the problems facing me, and the questions that I have about new experiences, aka non-monogamy. As a way of keeping me a little grounded and focused, I have tried, really really tried to stay in my lane, whatever that may be in my current time and space. Well, the reality is, that has not brought me any joy. In fact, it has done the opposite, and stifled my creativity. So, change is coming.

In my most recent article for Medium, I got brave and wrote about politics. At first it felt strange and uncomfortable, in that I was deviating from my area of expertise, which is relationships. But the more I wrote, the more I realized that relationships are breaking down every place we look. The us vs them is hurting our ability to fix real problems, or at the very least be able to discuss them. And well, I have simply never hid from a challenge. So let me be clear, it is time we start openly discussing things that are affecting us, hence this post, and the rekindling of my creative juices, and beyond that, who honestly knows.

I believe that my sex positive and relationship fluid background are valuable in today’s very rigid society which I am not a fan of. And it is only by challenging this, with a plethora of voices, mine included that we can get back to a place where argument and discussion have a valid place. Where we are free to ask questions and voice our opinions and, here’s the big thing, listen respectfully to others. Sure, my background is non-monogamy, and questioning relationship norms. And yes, to the casual observer that may not seem like a person who should be expressing themselves freely, but guess what? Having that level of intimacy and interaction with such a broad range of humans makes me perfectly qualified to start addressing things of concern and I need to own that!

I have long maintained that we need to be more accepting of one another. And well, that starts with me. I need to accept that I have a voice, and a platform that can contribute to healthy and honest communication about things that are real, raw, and sometimes taboo.

We have to get past not wanting to offend others and start working towards increasing our understanding and compassion. And we have to do it, with our eyes open. As I mentioned in my last Medium article, we are living in an oil and water society where half want to make their own success and the other half want to help others. Throughout history, this back and forth has created many great things, and I look forward to us getting there again. However it feels like we are in the darkest timeline where there is simply no talking, but rather judgment and hatred for all those who do not share our ideologies without actually talking to them first? We have lost sight of a truth we used to know, that you learn more from someone on the outside, than from someone on the same side as you.

So let me get back to the questioning everything, and the accepting nothing at face value. Life’s far more interesting that way. Are you ready to break away with me? Hahahaha….

To all those on my Patreon… thank you! I hope with the re-imagining of my creative forward blog, that will also increase my ability to post bonus content (which is already up for this post). And if nothing else, December is the month of my Beervent calendar which is always a fun time!

Dear Body: It Has Been So Many Months…

    K Ghislaine

I worked so diligently on really listening and being fully intuitive with my body. It was a long process, but I worked on a lot of emotional trauma, and got to place where I could be gentle with myself and my emotions. I felt empowered by this triumph. I sit here now, realizing that I no longer trust anything my body is doing. The earnest desire to become pregnant has turned all the rational cues I used to rely on, into damn bloody liars! Month after month, I experience every early pregnancy symptom, and month after month, I realize that they were false alarms. It is disheartening to know just how many months we have been trying for.

The best advice, as I’ve mentioned before, is to just relax. When it happens, it happens. And truly there is little more that I can do, beyond what I am doing. My next appointment with the fertility clinic is in a month, and while I have already waited 3, this last one seems the longest. I guess I was hoping that I would be able to tell them, I needed them for a different reason, an early pregnancy. And yet, all signs point to that simply not being possible.

I realized today, that I am 2 cycles away from us trying for a year without success. I cannot believe that it has been almost 9 months since my last chemical. As much as those suck, at least something happened, and my hormones and body changes were the result of something trying to get started. These past 8 months I have experienced varying degrees of symptoms. All different, and all contributing to my roller-coaster of hope versus despair.

It’s so odd, that I can be with the most wonderful man in the world, who makes me feel like a god damn queen, who has never been this happy. But, that I am also able to still feel the agony of my body letting us both down. The harder you love, the harder you fall I suppose. The range of emotions just gets deeper and deeper as your experiences increase. I suppose in a way, that is healthy, and a good sign that I am truly living life to the fullest, but there is darkness. As I type, Time in a Bottle, by Jim Croce plays in the background, and it’s true, there just never seems to be enough time. And that means I cannot waste any energy feeling sorry for myself, that we just haven’t conceived in such a long time. But saying the thing that makes sense, and believing the thing are two vastly different states of mind. I fear my rational one, is losing out to the hormonal one far more often than I am comfortable with.

Vulnerability is beautiful in so many ways. And it allows a person to really love, and feel, and I am grateful that I overcame so much to get here. I feel whole, and intense. But also a little wild, and out of control, which doesn’t suit me. That side lets in the fear. The fear that I might lose control, and just wind up in a puddle on the floor, unable to snap myself out of the void. My only saving grace is that I know I am not alone. There are people in my life who I can wholeheartedly rely on to keep me sane. I trust them with my heart, and my volatility, because they are flawed humans who love as I do. We have trust, compassion, and empathy for all that makes us humans. And it is this that keeps me going. This network of support that rises above the pain I feel on a monthly basis.

We keep trying. It’s all we can do. And I keep picking myself up off the floor, because as it turns out, reaching rock bottom is the biggest lie we tell ourselves to keep on trucking. I hope, I will be able to start rebuilding trust with my body sooner rather than later. For now, I am helpless. And at the mercy of my body, and the hormones that take over more often than not. One day, I will hold that baby in my arms… I will.

Thank you all for the love and support during this time. A special shout-out to those on my Patreon who have access to all the behind the scenes, including my newest project… a Podcast, because yes, distraction keeps me going!!!

Miscarriage: My Poetic Rant

    K Ghislaine

Questions Without Answers

It is not your fault

May I repeat it is not your fault

But what about the hot bath I took?

Or the beer I had before I knew I was pregnant?

No, it is not your fault

But what about the sex, or using my vibrator, could that be to blame?

There just must be something to blame, someone, oh it must be me

So many questions but no satisfying answers

It happens,  it is normal, your body knows what’s best

The wrong signals were sent, the womb was confused, everything was out of your control

It is not your fault

I repeat, it is not your fault

But who’s fault is it?

Why did it happen?

And how can I prevent it happening again?

You can’t, you won’t, somethings just are what they are

The numbers they swirl,

40

You are old, it is too late

20%

It is going to happen again

50%

Your quality is diminished

I cry

So it is my fault

I waited too late

I did everything wrong

I am to blame

No, it is not your fault

You are not to blame

It happens, it is OK

You will try again, you will find a way because it is what you do best

Remember, it is OK, it is not your fault

We love you

I Love You

Thank you all for the love and support on here, social media, and on Patreon. For the likes, shares, comments, and private words of encouragement. It’s nice not to be alone.

The Two Week Limbo

    K Ghislaine

If time wasn’t a factor I “would love to just, “let things happen” so to speak, but I am 40. I pour over the stats saying that the old you get, the likely hood of getting pregnant reduces by not just a few points, but by entire percentages. It’s daunting. And let us not forget, that looming, very close by now, is the possibility of peri-menopause, and ultimately, the ending of my egg producing power. I tremble as I write that. It looms, ominously over my head, taunting me. I haven’t feared getting older like this before. Please body, please on please just let me pop out a couple of healthy babies before you shut that down, I plea through tears as I enter the dreaded two week limbo.

If I had met this man 10 years earlier, well, everything would be different, and if I go down that rabbit hole, the truth is, we probably wouldn’t have been as compatible as we are now. So, I won’t lament, or regret the things that cannot be, other than to say, trying to conceive would have been easier. And on that note, trying to have a baby, is so much more of everything than I ever could have imagines.

The pros of course, include sex, more sex, and intimacy that is nothing short of miraculous. Two people, coming together, trying to start a life, because we are truly in love, and want a family is more than I could have imagined as a youth. The butterflies in my stomach feeling is ongoing, and is blissful, calming, and exciting all at the same time. I love just laying in his arms afterwards, calm, fulfilled, and in an enjoyment of the silence of my wondering, pondering brain. There is nothing quite like that kind of sex. All risk is gone, and what it left is possibilities, and happiness. Oh and sweet sweet satisfaction.

The cons however, creep into my mind, very shortly afterwards. During the past 5 years, I worked very diligently to listen and react to my body, mind, and emotions. Through yoga, writing, and the ear of an amazing woman, I became more in tune with everything internal. Overall, this has brought me great strength, honed my empathy, and allowed me the permission to listen to my body cues, and rest when needed. Something that I have never been able to do before. Unfortunately, being so in tune with my inner working, I am also more susceptible to noticing changes in my body.

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As I mentioned in my previous post, my hormones are raging, and causing nothing short of chaos during the 2 weeks after ovulation. I feel everything! And let me tell you, that ride is no fun. If you Google early pregnancy symptoms, PMS, and ovulation, there is so much overlap between them, that there is zero telling what is actually going on. And for added fun, there is simply no method of testing to tell you the truth of your body. At least nothing in a cost effective, at home, peace of mind type way. Pregnancy test only work accurately when you miss your period. Blood tests tell you thing much sooner, but, you need to see your Dr. for a referral, and that usually takes the same amount of time. There are urine test, and thermometers for ovulation prediction, but that still leaves you with the 2 weeks until your period arrives to contend with.

Some of you might be saying, “it’s only 2 weeks” that’s nothing in the grand scheme of things! But during those two weeks, your hormones are doing all of the things. And as added fun, I found out recently, that many women experience an increase of hormonal fluctuations as they grow closer, and close to menopause. For those who don’t or didn’t, I am so envious of you, because the last few months has included more emotional breakdowns than I think the rest of my PMS combined. Maybe a slight exaggeration, for dramatic effect, to drive home the point of my exhaustion.

Dearly, I would love to just stop listening to my body. To go with the flow, and say, c’est la vie! Followed by que sera, sera. But, to go full circle in this post, I am 40. Time is not on my side. Egg quality is diminishing. My chances are going down exponentially, and as my Dr. informed me, my problem is not infertility (due to my miscarriages), so… something else is going on, that I am certain time will not just fix. Argh!!! So I sit here, venting this all out in a effort to quiet the noises of hormones in my head long enough to focus on pitching my book. Fingers crossed, everything works out in my head!

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