My Summer Reflection

Summer Reflection: Cheers!

This summer, has been one of risks, and buckling down and just doing the hard things. I wish that I could say that it was a season that brought conclusions or even certainty, but I’m not sure that’s a place I exist. So, let me share a few milestones that I have worked on, and basically put into my brain, that yes, I may deserve a pat on the back even though I am not quite there. And maybe some kind soul will read this and agree, and perhaps buy me a coffee or a beer via my BreakingAway Patreon page? Any who, let me share a few of the big things I’m working on.

First and foremost, I am now financially free from my ex. It was exhausting at times, and the final step of a years long process to untangle our lives from each other. We are both in better places apart, and I am grateful that we were able to achieve this goal with civility. With that chapter closed, I was able to put the money from my separation to great use, and have made real progress in my future finances. I have struggled with money for decades, and I am proud to say that I have turned the corner with a real end in sight. I am finally in control of my own future.

Now with that freedom, something else that I knew would happen, was an emotional release. And well, what that means for all you is that, I have been able to put the hard words on paper when it comes to the book I am working on. Yup, I am actively finishing my final edit, which, come hell or high water I will begin the pitching process and outside editing pain. I’m the closest I have ever been to finishing this, and with the fear comes this strange feeling of readiness. I am ready to let this project go out into the world, fear and all.

So, now, let me get to the summer of love summary. Well, I am no closer to an answer than when this summer started. Real connections have been made, and while I have no clue what the future will hold, I will say, I believe this was the summer of friendship. Clearly that is not where I want these stories to end, but, I am resting easy in the knowledge that none of this effort has been wasted. I have met and interacted with incredible people, and I feel rich in the knowledge that real friendships have been forged out of this. Yeah, there has been a lot of crap, and a heap of rough stuff to navigate, sorry to my nearest and dearest for having to listen to it all, but ultimately, there have been no regrets this summer. I took risks, shared real feelings, and had some intense conversations, and even better, I had some really fun moments, and a lot of laughter.

So, those are some of my summer reflections. Yes, I know the season isn’t over yet, and of course being me there is so much more to come, but… I wanted to take pause and give myself a reason to enjoy a few moments. I have worked hard, and even though the joy is by myself, I am patting myself on the back. The hard work will pay off. And the journey, well… it’s been an adventure!

It’s OK to Feel Not OK

Deep Breath… It’s OK

Recently I was faced with a choice, to respond to a person in the way that I would like to be responded to, or to do my standard joking, playful, and seemingly dismissive retort.  Was that vague enough?  OK, so a guy I was planning a date with, messaged that he was having a rough day and didn’t feel up to seeing me.  Of course I was disappointed, but… and here’s the but… I was so shocked and ultimately impressed that this guy was able to tell me he was in a dark place, that I didn’t write my default message. In that moment, I realized that it was up to me, to take a step back, and really take stock of the situation. I have been putting out into the universe that I want men to be honest with me. And just like that, he was.

I have long been a believer in mental health days being just as crucial to our health as physical health days.  Why do we have sick days, and not depressed days?  It simply makes no sense.  And as a person who knows good and bad days, why is it permissible that I bail on event because I have a cold, but not to say that I can barely get myself out of bed and dressed? For some reason we are expected to just rally, or what I think happens more often than not, lie or make up excuses for our absence.  This, needs to stop.

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Yes, it is completely valid to feel bummed when someone can’t make it out to see you.  However, it is important to reflect on the strength of character it takes a person to just send that text, especially when they are feeling too low to move. Remember, our emotions are valid!

This brings me to another shocking revelation about myself. OK, fine, something that I should come to terms with. I have consistently created a safe space for my dearest friends.  We can openly talk about our bad days, and remind each other to drink water, get some vitamin D, let it out, and stretch or move. Yeah, I have some pretty incredible souls in my life.  That being said, I have not formed the same bonds with men.  In my mind, I know I am open minded, and empathetic to almost all things.  But, have I articulated that?  Have I ever lead by example?  Do I properly communicate that my space is a safe and understanding space?  Definitively not… especially at first. I tend to keep my emotions to myself.  And I think, if I’m being honest, I have created a double standard between friends and lovers.  I seem to hold lovers to a higher standard of openness without putting the work in myself. So yay, opportunity areas right???  Ugh… So many things to work on and improve.  Self improvement just never ends does it?

I don’t know when too soon is to be open and vulnerable, so there will be mistakes made. My hope is, that I can continue what just felt right the other day. Acknowledging that there will be good and bad day, and I want to be with people who understand that. Create the spaces you want to be in yourself. Stop this whole double standard thing whereby my friends can get away with so much more than the men in my life can. I can do this!

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Aftershocks, Energy Flow, and Actually Feeling Re-Filled?

Aftershock Bliss

So, let me continue with my exploration of aftershocks and energy.  In my last piece I aimed to better describe what I was feeling when in comes to my world of aftershocks.  Thankfully, it resonated with a person I was failing to describe it in words to, so yay me!  And now, if you will indulge me for a moment to take it a step forward, and discuss what happens after the aftershocks: the formation of my energy cycle.

In the past, I have been with men who sucked the energy out of me.  Thus, my role was an exhausting endeavour to find new sources of energy for myself, so then I can give it to my loved ones.  Obviously this, is not sustainable, especially long term.  It works for a while because I love feeling needed and wanted, but if for whatever reason that wains (which of course it would), well… it’s a disaster.  Now, as much I try to be aware of this negative energy cycle, I must admit that I am attracted to this feeling of being wanted, and thus, it is difficult for me to actually break.  That being said, I think, I may have just found the thing that may once and for all break my determination to fall headfirst into this pattern, and that is in finding someone who creates an energy flow with me.

I’ve felt snippets in the past, but if I am completely honest, they result from sexual energy alone.  If we are having sex with the frequency of rabbits, then it works well.  But, relationships, and life always seem to get in the way of that being sustainable.  So imagine me being completely unprepared for what I have been experiencing over the past little while.  And that my friends is feeling re-filled by a person, and if I am reading things right, him feeling the same.  It’s like we complete each other? 

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I don’t know if I am getting ahead of myself, and describing something that is more NRE (new relationship energy) rather than something far more.  But this does have all the telltale signals that it’s more than just the new.  We have been friends for many years.  We can talk about pretty much anything and everything.  We enjoy each other’s company.  We both think the world of each other, and can clearly express that.  Oh and the sex is amazing.  We have an intimate chemistry that just seems to work on a level beyond words or direction. That being said, when direction is given it is understood and taken to the absolute next level with enthusiastic gusto. 

Ooph!  I’m a puddle just thinking about that.  Anyways, back on track.  Wait… was there a track?  Or is this it.  Finding an energy loop that works for two people?  With little bolts of aftershocks to fuel you for the moments you are apart?  Is this what people are looking for?  Or the lucky ones having already found?  If this is the relationship secret, then, I am all aboard.  Of course, nothing is perfect, or without problems.  For us, it will be time and space.  Oh, and being very different people, who are inherently stubborn fools.  But… there is something here worth exploring.  Worth every single fantasy.  And absolutely worth the effort on both our parts. 

If I am jumping the gun, and putting this out into the world prematurely, then so be it. I am feeling these intense feelings right now, and they are valid.  Right or wrong, or even if they are felt as strongly by the other side really doesn’t change my excitement, or feeling of sheer bliss right now. And with that, I have started an energy cycle that I hope remains my norm for years to come. Breaking away from being the relationship battery if you will.

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My Solo Christmas

Solo Christmas

This year, I am alone for Christmas.  Did I arrive here by choice, circumstance, or simply a series of ill-timed events, it’s difficult to say.  But, the end result remains the same, me, spending the entire day of Christmas, on my own. Earlier this year, I felt empowered to travel by myself. To prove that I could pretty much do anything I put my mind to, but my solo Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with pride, and everything to do with self-preservation.

2021, pretty much kept giving me gifts that I did not want.  From ghoster’s (why the hell were their multiple of those???), to energy vampires, to health issues (not mine thankfully, but of a person who has played a major role in my life), and let us not forget grief (losing not one, but two inspirational woman was a bit much). And yet, here I sit, typing this out with my metal Christmas playlist, feeling a strange sense of hope for the new year.

Sure, I have spent the last two or three days crying every few moments that I am alone with my thoughts.  And I anticipate that Christmas Day will be ripe with tears, a lot of self-reflection, and meditation.  But, there will be a specific aim, to let the year go.  To take the time to forgive those who wished to do harm, and celebrate all the incredible souls who stepped up, and made me feel loved.  There were a lot of people who showed their true colours over the pandemic, for better and for worse.  I can only hope that the worst ones are gone from my world. Le sigh… it’s been a year.

There is another reason it feels appropriate to be alone for this day of green and red, and that is, Christmas is a holiday to spend with your nearest and dearest. Christmas is the holiday of love. And we are inundated with stories of caution, warning us that Christmas heartache will turn us into Scrooge or The Grinch.  And quite frankly, I just cannot risk tempting fate in that way.  I would rather be by myself, than take a risk of being with someone who could potentially spoil this season for me permanently!  And truly, with my lack of luck this year, that is exactly what would happen!

For the next few days, I’m going to fly quietly under the radar.  I won’t be putting myself out there.  There will be zero risk taking (which if you know me is not my norm). And if all goes well, there will be zero new stories of my random, and strange life.  I will attempt to understand, reflect, and maybe jot down some stories, rather than spend any more energy making new memories.  This solo Christmas is a choice I hope I never have to make again. But, it is a choice, that I am making, with intent and purpose. 

I wish each of you out there the happiest of holidays, and all the warmest wishes for an absolutely incredible new year!  Peace, love, and happiness for 2022. And of course, the hugest thanks to everyone who kept the beer money flowing during 2021 via my Patreon.

Accepting Our Past

Accepting our Past

I have reached a strange point in my finding new people path, in which, I need to accept that we all have pasts and perhaps even a skeleton or two.  I have been in my head for so long, fearful, that I would be judged for having a non-monogamous past, that I forgot something simple, others have lived experiences too that may be different from mine.  Writing those words down, it seems so clear, and rational.  Of course, other people have pasts, and of course there might be some adjusting I need to do to get to know them.  And this, is the key point that honestly has been holding me back, and I needed to understand, we need to accept our past.

Thank goodness for the calmness I find in yoga and stretching or I might not have got here.  Well, and also the rational and brutally honest voice of one of my dearest friends, who manages to amaze me with her frank cutting through of all the BS that clouds my judgment.  And while I don’t ever recall having this precise conversation with her, I do know what she would say to me, if I vocalized that I was worried about my past in her.  Her response would be curt, and so full of love and wisdom, the perfect balance to have in a friend.  Haha.  Ultimately, she would look at this post, and just roll her eyes, that this wasn’t just obvious to me. Of course, I am not the only one on the planet going into new relationships with baggage or things from my past.

 

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And well, she’s completely right, or would be if I dared ask her, but it was difficult to see.  I spend so much time writing about this big thing, (to me), and it’s hard not to go into the real world and feel that someone out there will think it is too big for them.  And of course, that means they are not the right human for me. In the here and now though, it can feel like a barrier. Something insurmountable, and somehow makes me unlovable. Can you build trust with someone who had a sexually non-monogamous past? The Dirty Stigma around Non-Monogamy is a whole other box to unpack.

I made a huge mistake earlier in the year by not telling a person I was interested in about the topic of my would be book, and blog.  And it ate me up inside.  It was the exact scenario whereby I kept meaning to tell him, and then, I just wouldn’t and more days would go by.  To be fair, neither of us talked about our pasts.  We were very much experiencing life in the present, with zero talk of future.  However, the feeling was uncomfortable and not one that I want to repeat.  And thus, here I am trying to do better, and be less fearful of my past relationship department. And the best advice I can give myself, is to put myself in their shoes, and realize they have a past too.  Now… onto the next puzzle, and that is finding a person who wants to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Ooph!

Thank you to everyone who has bought me a beer this year! I have some very fun photos planned for December on my IG and Patreon…. so stay tuned!