Breaking Away from Monogamy:

And Exploring Sex Positivity!

Sex Positivity

Well, as with all things change is inevitable.  For those long time readers (and I know there are a few who have followed me since the beginning) you have been privy to a few changes of branding over the years, so this post will not be a first. For the rest of you though, new and casual readers alike, welcome to the randomness that is my life. More and more I have felt this urge to explore more things within the sex positive community. While my blog started out as my personal exploration of non-monogamy, I always felt that doing sex toy reviews, interviews with other people, or even dabbling into podcasts felt a bit off. And of course, with all the randomness of my last few years, exploring sex positivity seems a more accurate description of where my life is headed. So, the re-brand and timing just feels right.

Exploring non-monogamy and its vast spectrum during a pandemic obviously was not going to happen. But with that forced pause, it got me thinking that there are some many diverse subjects that I want to bring into the fold beyond just relationship diversity. I want to share the tough sex conversations that I have had, and hope will make things easier for others, or at the very least allow just one person not feel alone. That alone feeling is after all, why I started blogging in the first place. After finding myself in my first open relationship, and finding out quickly that none of my friends or family could or would be the support system I needed, I began blogging.

Now that my relationships have evolved and I find myself in a new headspace, the diversity of things that I need to explore and talk about needs to expand and be more indicative of where I have evolved to.  I have written about being relationship fluid, and perhaps sexually fluid, so the idea of just being non-monogamous doesn’t seem true to form. And now that I am dating again, people and conversations are going to be adventures. Take for instance, bringing this blog up and my writing passions up to someone who is for all intents and purposes monogamous. How will that look and feel? How do I have the tough conversations with new people about my past, and the book that is frighteningly close to being finished? Can I rectify all my sexual experiences, and past with the desire to start a new family or be accepted into someone else’s world? These are my current realities.

And there is just one more thing that I want to talk about, and something that is hugely important to me, and my place in the blogging sphere. And that is how I incorporate diversity and a safe space for exploration onto my pages and the words that I write.  I have been lucky enough to have a few guest writers over the years, but it was tough with my previous format. This new brand, I hope will allow for more exploration of diversity and acceptance. Sex positivity is for everyone. It took me years to embrace it in myself, and I could never have arrived at this place of love and acceptance without all of my past experiences. I don’t know what the future of my life, or relationships will lead, but I do know that my blog needs to remain a reflection of who I am in this moment.

Thank you all for the likes, shares, messages, and comments thus far. I hope that we can continue this journey together for many more years to come!!! And of course, a very special thank you to everyone who has supported my work on Patreon.

Being a Disappointment

Serenity Now!

The last text I received from my ex step dad, was his proclamation of how disappointed was in me (And I’m guessing still is). The text came after I sent him my condolences for his mother passing away. I was gutted. Obviously there is a long backstory there, of which I wrote about on my gaslighting pieces, and suffice it to say, our relationship imploded. Enough time has passed, and active healing on my part, to allow me to type this paragraph without crying. And that is a huge deal for me. However, the soul crushing idea that I could disappoint someone I love or who loves me, is one of those things I’m not sure I can ever overcome completely.

So, here is my current struggle. I am immensely proud of this blog, and all the words I have put onto various pages over the years. But, there is a fear, that someone I start to care about, would be disappointed to learn about my past. Or, would be embarrassed to tell their family about the subject matters I have broached over the years. I wake up in the middle of the night more often than not gripping the sheets tightly, having just dreamt that I have been “found out”.

In the calm moments of the day, I can rationalize that I am the compassionate, and loving person that I am today because of all my experiences. And while I desperately want to believe the truth of someone loving me for all my scars and experiences, historically, that has not been the case. I have never been loved by a partner, for the good, bad, and ugly. So, it is hard to trust in the right person being out there, with whom this will happen.

The guy I recently started seeing is amazing. He is good, kind, and we fit together sexually in the most incredible way. But, I worry that I am not good enough for him. That some how I don’t deserve this level of happiness. That I am only worthy of the challenging men, the broken men, and the people who make we work to earn their love.  Ok, now I’m crying.

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To combat this feeling of insecurity and the belief that I am not good enough, I have positive affirmations written on my white board that say things like, “enjoy the happy ride”, “mutual love”, and the like. I am working diligently to break free of this idea that I am not worthy. But, it’s a challenge. I historically have over compensated in relationships to ensure that I am never a disappointment, however, I always am. I end up alone, forging ahead with determination, and a that intense survival mechanism that always allows me to rebuild and move on. And it is insanity to look back and see just how many times I have done that over my lifetime.

I don’t want it to seem like my life has been any more challenging than anyone else’s. Life is not easy, for anyone. And it is with that compassion that I openly accept all the faults of new prospects in my life. I just hope, someday, someone will do the same for me. That somewhere there is a person, who will do the same for me. And perhaps, maybe, I won’t be a disappointment.

Thank you to all who have liked, shared, and supported me over the years. And a special thank you to all who have fuelled my beer fund!

The Rollercoaster of My Life

Yoga Calming the Rollercoaster

The past few days have been a shiny example of the rollercoaster of life, and true to form I am going to openly and honestly share a few of the highlights and my thoughts. My personal life is going through some pretty significant changes. I am questioning what I want from future relationships and openly exploring what that might look like for myself, and those around me.  My book has taken what I consider to be an incredible turn, and I am writing with more passion and purpose than I have in a long time.  Also, I have met a person who is treating me the way I had always hoped was possible but never dreamed I deserved. It’s new, fresh, and very exiting.  And while I am just trying to live in the moment, and take things that are really new day by day, it’s difficult not to look back on my past and wonder why I made certain decisions.

While all these pretty significant things are going on and bringing me beautiful little highs, I am getting slammed back into reality at what seems every fricken turn. Physically I am in a pain, but healing from a sprained wrist and body aches from an icy fall I had. Emotionally, I am at a place where I am trying to be vulnerable with one person, and putting up walls and boundaries with another. It is an exhausting struggle, that multiple times during the day I worry that I am just going to break, say the wrong thing, or cave all together. The balancing act is treacherous, and I look forward to the day when all this emotional regulating pays off. Unfortunately, I see no end in sight, and that makes my emotions difficult to anticipate. Which in turn, makes me a little volatile, and wanting to just run away to some safe haven, and hunker down until everything has stabilized.

So, while all the real world stuff is playing ping pong with my emotions, I spent yesterday reading the comment section from my last blog post. Not only, did I get to read fully unsubstantiated claims, I also found out that my troll is back. Normally I just smile, and calmly respond to haters (I’ve done it for years and am pretty adept at not taking things personally), but yesterday, it broke me. Call it bad timing, or whatever you want, but honestly, I just dropped my head down on my desk and started crying.

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Breaking Away from Monogamy is my blog. It is filled with my words, my experiences, and my truth. To have that questioned, and then my integrity called out within a few hours by multiple people just shook me. Yes, I recognize that by admitting that the troll got to me, I am opening myself to more trolling. When it comes to random internet attention seeking there is nothing I can do or say to make it stop aside from ignore it which I usually end up doing. Today however, I am choosing to be honest in saying that the so called “truth” seeker is a thorn in my side. And the timing of that person coming back into my life just plain sucks.

But, here I sit, writing about all these rollercoaster events happening, and thanks to an amazing nights sleep, I may finally be regulating on the side of that little thing called hope. There are great human beings out there. A few of you even reached out and supported me yesterday, which was beyond appreciated. And that is what I will try and focus on. Hope is healing me. And I wish the same for each and every one of you out there. Take a pause and focus on one tiny thing that glimmers with possibilities. Hold that in your mind, visualize it, materialize it before you, and let that be your 2021 ray of sunshine. I’ve got my hope written on my calendar beside me, and I read it every morning and smile. And I want all of you to have the same.

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The Force Definitely Does Not Work on Relationships

As I continue to research, and write about mismatched relationships over on Medium, a thought keeps sneaking in, wouldn’t life be easier if we could just use the force when it comes to relationships? I don’t mean use force, but, what if the energy I put into a person was guaranteed to come back to me in some form or another? What if I could actually control where my energy goes? Obviously, that is just wishful or as I like to say wistful thinking because the force definitely does not work on relationships!

For years I have noticed that I am the friend who is coming up with things to do, inviting people out, or texting people to see how they are. And with dating and relationships I am noticing the same pattern. If I am not the one inviting someone to meet up, grab beers, or just initiating the conversation… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS! I’ve used the excuse for years that it’s because I am non-monogamous and people are either secretly uncomfortable with it, or just afraid of pissing me off and pushing boundaries. But honestly, what is truly wrong with reciprocating a text every so often.  Or just inviting me out for a walk with zero expectations? I am not that scary in person!!!

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Or perhaps I am. I honestly don’t even know anymore. A friend remarked that I should blame it on Covid, others say that the dating world has just changed in general thanks to easy access of people via Tinder/Hookup apps, and of course there is the whole non-monogamous elephant in the room. People don’t seem to believe that I am truthful when I say that I do not have a long list of beaus just waiting for my call. I don’t and if I did, I would be upfront and honest about it. Because yes, I am honest almost to a fault!

As a small child I remember being told that if people don’t like you for who you are, then they are not worth having as friends. And now, more than ever those words haunt me. Because in the adult world, things are not so black and white. Are people intimidated by me? Does that mean they don’t actually like me? And the real question, are people themselves really honest about who they like and who they don’t like? Or are we all just kind of placating the masses or the big group of people, fearful of hurting anyone’s feeling? If any of those questions actually get answered, the pool of which to connect with awesome people changes dramatically.

And we go back to my original thought, what would happen if the energy I put into a person and getting to know them was reciprocated? Or, is this life of non-monogamy filled with compromise, where you take what you can get due to time, family, emotional outputs, and just life in general? To find happiness and joy in the small moments, rather than a complete picture? But here we sit, waiting patiently for a vaccine, and unable to make even the simplest new connections. Well, back to the rabbit hole of researching mismatched relationships!

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Sex and My Mental Health

Is the mischief being managed?

No matter how hard I try to pretend that my sex life is not intrinsically linked to my mental health, I cannot.  When I do not orgasm for a few days, my capacity to handle day to day tasks diminishes.  And when I have not been hugged, kissed, cuddled, or am starved for intimacy for any length of time I flounder.  I want to be better than this.  I want to be independent of my dependency on intimacy, but I just cannot do it.  I can be brave and strong for a while, and then, before my eyes, I see my judgement and basic autonomy over my own emotions faulter.  I see my confidence fade and worse, I begin to make negative correlations such as, my life is this way because I must have done something dreadful in a past life, and other such rhetoric.  And to be clear, I don’t even believe in past lives, so this dialogue makes absolutely zero sense.

I will admit, that I don’t enjoy asking for sex or intimacy.  It is one of those things that I take for granted and usually just falls into my lap (this is not a brag, just a pattern I have noticed).  Or I have developed a dynamic with a person who loves being the instigator and we fall into an incredible thing whereby I never quite know when I’m going to get laid (and I love that!).  But this time around, things feel different.  I’m not sure if it is age sneaking up on me, or what, but I just feel like I am looking for connections in all the wrong places.  And that is making me fail even harder.  I mean, I usually love a great challenge, and the thrill of something forbidden. This works well for me, because up until recently, I have always had something to fall back on.  So coming back from the “hunt” empty handed, was never an issue.  I have never felt this starved before. 

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And it is wearing me down.  I have questioned my self worth, my sex appeal, my value, and basically the whole, do I even deserve to be loved?  I can honestly tell you that being non-monogamous (a post about where I have been in the non-monogamous world for too long) does not make any of these feelings easier.  I feel the same loneliness I would if I was in a partnership with just one person.  Just because I am able to see multiple people does not mean that I am free of feeling this void, this emptiness.  And it would be melodramatic to state that it is even harder, because I am doubly or triply lonely.  That I should already have my tribe and never feel this way.  That somehow the whole point of this expansive relationship norm, should prevent this total collapse into my pity party.  But, I am no different from any other lonely person, figuring life out, and trying to get their needs met, both emotionally, and physically.

I just want to love with my whole being, and be loved the same way in return.  And until I can find a rational, and ethical way to get my physical needs met, I am going to struggle mentally.  I need the orgasmic release of endorphins to get me through this next little while.  I cannot fight this battle as it’s just a part of who I am.  I want to be wanted, and I want to continue going after things that make me feel amazing. And in this, there is no conclusion, simply putting out into the void the rock and hard place I find myself in. 

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