Tag: Sex Positive Community

Breaking Away from Monogamy:

    K Ghislaine

And Exploring Sex Positivity!

Sex Positivity

Well, as with all things change is inevitable.  For those long time readers (and I know there are a few who have followed me since the beginning) you have been privy to a few changes of branding over the years, so this post will not be a first. For the rest of you though, new and casual readers alike, welcome to the randomness that is my life. More and more I have felt this urge to explore more things within the sex positive community. While my blog started out as my personal exploration of non-monogamy, I always felt that doing sex toy reviews, interviews with other people, or even dabbling into podcasts felt a bit off. And of course, with all the randomness of my last few years, exploring sex positivity seems a more accurate description of where my life is headed. So, the re-brand and timing just feels right.

Exploring non-monogamy and its vast spectrum during a pandemic obviously was not going to happen. But with that forced pause, it got me thinking that there are some many diverse subjects that I want to bring into the fold beyond just relationship diversity. I want to share the tough sex conversations that I have had, and hope will make things easier for others, or at the very least allow just one person not feel alone. That alone feeling is after all, why I started blogging in the first place. After finding myself in my first open relationship, and finding out quickly that none of my friends or family could or would be the support system I needed, I began blogging.

Now that my relationships have evolved and I find myself in a new headspace, the diversity of things that I need to explore and talk about needs to expand and be more indicative of where I have evolved to.  I have written about being relationship fluid, and perhaps sexually fluid, so the idea of just being non-monogamous doesn’t seem true to form. And now that I am dating again, people and conversations are going to be adventures. Take for instance, bringing this blog up and my writing passions up to someone who is for all intents and purposes monogamous. How will that look and feel? How do I have the tough conversations with new people about my past, and the book that is frighteningly close to being finished? Can I rectify all my sexual experiences, and past with the desire to start a new family or be accepted into someone else’s world? These are my current realities.

And there is just one more thing that I want to talk about, and something that is hugely important to me, and my place in the blogging sphere. And that is how I incorporate diversity and a safe space for exploration onto my pages and the words that I write.  I have been lucky enough to have a few guest writers over the years, but it was tough with my previous format. This new brand, I hope will allow for more exploration of diversity and acceptance. Sex positivity is for everyone. It took me years to embrace it in myself, and I could never have arrived at this place of love and acceptance without all of my past experiences. I don’t know what the future of my life, or relationships will lead, but I do know that my blog needs to remain a reflection of who I am in this moment.

Thank you all for the likes, shares, messages, and comments thus far. I hope that we can continue this journey together for many more years to come!!! And of course, a very special thank you to everyone who has supported my work on Patreon.

Challenge Time: Sex Positive For 31 Days!

    K Ghislaine
#SexPositiveFor31Days

When we gathered in May to complete the 30 day sex positive challenge, the focus was self love, learning the word sex positive, and incorporating affirmations and little challenges that could be done around the home. This go around, I want to delve deeper. The aim is for each of us feel like a contributing member of the sex positive community by incorporating daily challenges, answering tough questions, and thinking about what really makes us tick, sexually speaking. If this is your first time playing, feel free to check out #sexpositive30days (on Twitter) to see a glimpse of what you are in for in Octobers sex positive for 31 days challenge.

Where can you find the challenges?

Every morning I will be posting a daily challenge on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Just like last time I will be participating using my own Twitter handle. If you are comfortable sharing your answers, photos, or experiences please use #SexPositiveFor31Days and like or share so others can join in. If you’re not, that’s OK too! There is zero pressure to be public with your sexual experiences.

The Goal

The goal is simple: building the sex positive community, normalizing the word sex, and of course ending the stigma/taboo around being a sexual adult. As with the last challenge, it doesn’t matter what gender you are, what your orientation is, or even if you are single, partnered, or have multiple people in your life… the challenges are open to all of us. We are an inclusive community and talking about being sex positive is open to every adult who chooses to participate.

One important thing to note is this is a challenge. While I want to push myself and those participating outside of the comfort zone, the aim is to never feel silly or anything negative if there is something about sex you don’t know or want to look up! Sex is not stagnant, and being sex positive should feel the same way. Growing, evolving, changing with different partners, moods, or just plain old desire is amazing and valid. Ending the stigma and shame around sex is super important to me, and the driving force of these sex positive challenges. By talking about it, we normalize pleasure, and that is a beautiful thing.

So, if you are ready to be challenged, use the hashtag, like, share, and have fun exploring a sex positive you!

#SexPositiveFor31Days

If you love this challenge and are wondering how to support more sex positive efforts in the future, my Patreon page is always open or check out one of my amazing affiliate banners on my home page.

New Outlook for Non-Monogamy

    K Ghislaine
New outlook for Non-monogamy

On March 30th 2020, I wrote Put Non-Monogamy on Hold, and yes, I did say please for any of you who missed it.  We are nearly 2 months to the day from that plea, and as you are all probably aware there just seems to be no end in sight of this uncertainty.  Sadly, this is an emotion that I have been living with for far longer than this pandemic due to some douche-nozzle in my past, which I only bring up, because after 4 years of dealing with pending doom lurking over my every move, I have some experience with what we are likely feeling today. And that is why, we need a new outlook for non-monogamy.

When this pandemic started, the amazing non-monogamous community rallied on my Twitter feed, giving hope and promise a pot of gold at the end of isolation.  We all spoke about the crazy, wild party that would happen when all of this was over, and things would go back to normal.  A few of us made plans to meet up, and sent our well meaning wishes throughout this global community, inspiring a feeling of “this is only temporary”, and “small pains for big gains”.  I for one, was eagerly awaiting that drunken beer fest that I was sure would occur on a date in the very near future. And I made the decision to not partake in any virtual parties, with the hope that it wouldn’t be necessary to meet people that way, but… I may have been optimistic.

I don’t want you to stop reading thinking that this post is going to be a doom and gloom explanation of my vision for our new dystopian future.  That is not where I am heading with this.  Instead, I am offering something different, incremental hope rather than the biggest orgie we have ever seen.  As it turns out, the bubble burst without us even knowing it, and quite frankly, it will never look the same again.  Non-monogamy and large gatherings will be fractured, for at least a generation. There is no longer an all-encompassing goal, where we all put our differences aside, and come together (pun intended). 

Instead, we must celebrate and embrace smaller interactions.  More intimate settings, and learn to talk not only about safe sex, but also about safe social interactions.   And yes, this will have to happen long after a vaccine is discovered.  Why? Because there are people who are elderly, immune compromised, and youth with whom we globally have to protect. And unfortunately there are anti-vaccers, and an alarming amount of people who see this as no different than a flu, and are actively working to ensure this sticks around for a hell of a lot longer than it needs to. As a result, we are stuck in this new reality.  Our lives must change.  There is no going back to normal, and thinking that will leave you disappointed at the very least. 

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And I don’t want to be the one to let you down.  instead, I want to inspire hope, and share my vision of our non-monogamous community that becomes stronger, safer, and…. Sexier! Very slowly, I believe small pairings and sexy gatherings will start popping up.  These intimate settings will be vetted, and I hope will include not only condoms, and lube, but also a general health check.  Which, if I am being honest, I wish had always been happening.  No one wants to spend the last day of a sexy weekend battling a cold, flu, or something worse instead of basking in that orgasmic afterglow.  And let us be completely honest, if you are keeping your lifestyle activities on the down low, it is going to be tough to explain that you need to isolate for 14 days after what was supposed to be just a weekend in the mountains secluded with your wife, because someone was positive for COVID-19.

So club owners, app designers, and anyone who wants to host a sexy gathering, keep it simple, and mandate a health check along with a recommendation for safe sex or STI/STD verification.  Protect the community, not only yourselves.  It’s a subtle shift, but I think one that we are better equipped for than the vanilla community.  We have an opportunity to lead by example and set the new normal, while having an incredibly sexy time in the process.  In short, let us all work towards small bubbles.  More intimate settings with heightened screening and health checks, along with following the guidelines of your particular location (2 meters apart, masks, or using an app for location verification).  If we do this, we can slowly embrace the new non-monogamy and the exploration I know I so desperately miss in a safer way. 

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Struggling With Body Image and Why I Don’t Talk About It

    K Ghislaine

First, I get the mainly female population who slam me for being naturally thin, and not understanding the plight of those who have different genetic makeups.  Second, I get the crowd who tell me I am supposed to be body positive no matter what, and talking about weight is some sort of societal construct that we should all break away from.  And third, I get the population who sexualize the weight gain topic (I am including the crowd who tell me that I shouldn’t worry because they would still fuck me, and those who tell me I am hotter with meat on my bones, or those who flat out tell me I am now disgusting).

Based on those three reactions, I have not ever written about my struggles with weight on the blog and only share full nudity on my Patreon as a bonus.  I have allowed this topic to remain taboo, and omitted it from my sex positive exploration.  Today, I am taking my first step to open some dialogue about my struggles with weight or as it is turning out, ranting my frustrations.  So let me start here, even though I am naturally thin, my struggles are valid. I am tired of being told I cannot have a voice in the whole body image scene. Or that, I need to remain quiet when people talk about their weight or eating habits. Do you know what finally made me brave enough to write this? It was putting on that damn quarantine weight. Why? Because for the first time, I didn’t feel like an outsider amongst my female friends and from this point onward I can honestly say I put on a tonne of unexpected weight and I can confirm that losing weight is just as difficult as putting it on. I am spitting mad that I had to experience both sides to finally have a valid voice, because that is just not how any of this is supposed to work!!!

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In the past, whenever I have mentioned that I am trying to put on a few extra pounds, I get shamed.  Not only shamed, but outright shut down.  I have not once been able to have a healthy conversation with a female friend about my desire to have a little curve to my body, and a bit of a booty. It seems it is OK to promote body awareness, and positivity from everyone, except the skinny little ones that cannot possibly know the pain of trying to lose weight. Yeah, I am bitter, and angry that I have allowed myself to be silenced for so damn long.  We all struggle with body image from time to time.  This is a universal truth superseding gender, and the colour of our skin.  At some point, there is something about our image we wish we could change. And you know what? Being able to have healthy conversations about this from every single person who wants to talk about it is important.

You cannot say you a part of the body positive movement if you shut out my voice. My experience with my weight and the way I look are every bit as important as yours.  I am a human, with a physical body, and I struggle with the way it looks. Going to swing clubs, and being naked around other humans has been the best experience for my quest to accept my body.  It is what has allowed me to truly be comfortable naked.  However, and I cannot stress this enough, getting to those parties can be terrifying. In my life, the idea that women are vicious when it comes to body image has been re-enforced so many times that writing a post like this makes me a little sick to the stomach.

The perception that it must be easier for me to accept my body than others need to stop. The shame I receive when I complain that I am feeling to boney or skinny needs to stop.  When I mention that I am trying to gain weight so I feel more healthy and sexy, stop telling me to shut up. Let us collectively accept that body image is an equal struggle for all humans.  The man with the dad bod is struggling the same as the skinny guy desperate to look like aqua man shirtless. If reading that, you think the skinny guy has it easier, then your biases are invalidating him and that needs to end right now. If we do not feel comfortable talking about it, we will never be able to actually overcome body shame and call ourselves a sex and body positive community accepting of everyone!

Let me leave you with one final thought: Who decided that calling someone fat was far more cruel than calling someone skinny???  Please leave your thoughts in the comments or on Twitter. Let us get talking!

That Tingly Feeling When the Numbness Leaves

    K Ghislaine

A Little Update…

That tingly feeling

I cannot believe that it has been a year since I wrote my piece on Breaking Free From Gaslighting.  When I wrote it last June, I thought that I was in a situation where life was completely hopeless and perhaps writing about the past situation would grant me a little mental relief.  I was in a hopeless teeter-totter of emotions where the only thing I could do was control my own reactions, because there was nothing I could do solve the inherent problem.  It was actually a pretty interesting game of mental gymnastics on my part. 

First, I would cry, get angry, basically go through all the stages of grief. Then I would have this wave of motivation and just start creating new things like a person possessed.  Fueling my creativity with all the negative thoughts that were just there. I was locked in this back and forth, until suddenly, something completely outside of my control happened, depression.  My house became plagued with this treacherous beast and we were powerless to stop it. I will save the details for another time, but I will say time lost all meaning. I was no longer coping, I was in full survival mode, and not just for me, but my household too. And that was the moment I did the only I knew how to do, go numb.

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When I was a small child, I learn how to go numb as a defence mechanism when a bunch of horrible crap was occurring around me and I had no tools to deal with it. And well, that whole ice queen persona stuck with me well into my 20’s.  When I finally learned how to laugh, and be a sex positive person, I figured I would never fall back into that numb place, but last summer, I did.  What’s more, I have had to stay in a state of numbness up until this week.  Why? Because as the gaslighter continued to exert his control over me, I was powerless.  The only solution was out of my control, and all I could do was guide the process or stand idly by as best I could (which I am not good at!). 

Maybe you have felt this? Perhaps I am describing a situation that feels so foreign to you, you want to reach out and hug me, or worse, pity me.  Wherever you fall reading that purposefully vague statement (privacy is paramount here, as I don’t want to go from one legal battle directly into another one), I hope you understand one thing, I survived.  And now, I have that tingly feeling all over my body from where that numbness was.  It feels euphoric, brings me to tears with that release, and then just has me grinning.  I feel like I am waking up. 

Thank you all for participating and supporting the first week of the sex positive 30 day challenge because honestly, this gave me a purpose.  I chose a project that required skills far beyond my comfort zone (graphic design) and forced me to put myself out there, just as much as I was asking all of you to be.  And it has grounded me for an hour or so, every day, while I try and rectify my new reality and emotions.  Having the constant burden of fear no longer blocking my path to happiness is a pretty intense feeling. I thank you all for reading up to this point!  Your support has been pretty damn integral to focusing my tingly feeling on something tangible rather than just melting into a puddle of giggly goo.

So, that is the brief update on where this sex positive blogger is at with her life… the tingly road to freedom!  And now, back to the #sexpositive30days challenge!

For all the behind the scenes content, and to show a little extra support for this blog, please check out my Patreon!