As I continue the uphill battle of falling back in love with myself, I have to keep reminding myself that the only certainty in life is that I will always be with me. Humans will come and go, but at the end of it all, I need to be someone that I can look back upon and just be proud. For decades, I only wanted to be the sunshine in my step dad’s eyes. My raison d’être was making him smile. And, if you have read any of my posts about the gaslighter who use to be in my life, well… that blew up royally in my face. I made that fatal mistake, of living for someone else. And as I mentioned in my last post, I did the same thing over the last year. My motivations were different, and of course, I would do it again in a heartbeat, but now it is time for me.
I have always had a creative mind, that ran parallel with this inane desire to do everything myself. I equated loving myself with being able to do everything on my own. Pride equals hard work, and this weird solo sense of worth. As a person who has only been single for about 6 months her entire adult life, that is a pretty strange thing to say. I have had incredible partners, and yet, I would never let them help me sort out my career, finances, or have any say in who I am as a person (good or bad). And as I sit here, writing alone in my house I have to admit, that this line of thinking is wrong.
I have not done myself a single favour by going alone. I love being an individual, but I cannot help wondering where I would be at if I just let someone in without kicking and screaming. Would that behaviour make me less lovable? Admitting vulnerability? I mean sure, if you follow my twitter, or have read a few of my more intimate posts you know I can open up. I absolutely have it in me. But… it is always on my terms. I deal with what I choose to, when I choose to, and can pretty much keep everything else in nice and neat boxes (the last year of my life not withstanding). However I am only open on my terms, and have never been that bubbly warm soul that everyone wants to be friends with.
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There are so many times that I have wished I could be that person who walks into a room, and just lights it up. My grandmother is genuinely loved by everyone who meets her. She is that rare soul that you just cannot help but adore. Generous, warm, hard working, always smiling, and an amazing cook/baker. The greatest testament to her amazing effect on people is that every breakup my mom went through, I would hear the outed party comment about how much they would miss my grandmother. And I have always admired this quality in her, while also knowing, I could never fill these shoes.
As I spend this summer coming to much more intimate terms with who I am, and what makes me amazing, it is difficult not to fall into an old trap, the desire of being that lady in red. That woman who makes heads turn when she walks into a room, and has an entourage of people laughing at her every word. I, so badly want to please people, while at the same time being true to my independent self. It’s a balance game I should probably just give up on, because if I have learned anything, it is that I am not able to achieve it.
When I open my mouth, I quickly sense the person that I have offended, or rubbed the wrong way. Call it a gift! Of course I make it worse if I backtrack, or try and dig myself out of those holes. So, I try to say less, and listen more. Which if I am being honest is one of the things I truly love about myself. Being able to listen with compassion has opened up a whole world of new people and possibilities. And this is the foundation of me falling back in love with me. That and of course some amazing sex toys!
Deep down, I know I want people to fall in love with me, when I am in love with myself. I don’t desire anyone to pity me, or feel that they need to help me, solve my problems, or dig me out of endless hole. I have never desired that knight in shining armour to come and rescue me on his noble stead. I can only rescue myself. And that is what I am doing, one day at a time, so I can resume the most sex forward, and positive adventures of my life!
Love the yoga photo? There are some fun NSFW on my Patreon!
Please note that this article does contain affiliate links of which I earn a small commission that helps fuel my blog, but more importantly, hooks you up with amazing products that I have verified as awesome!
My Original plan when I was I sent two of the Calexotics line from Betty’s Toy Box to try, was to review the Catalina Climaxer, and then do a fun comparison review for the second. However, I very soon realized that this orange pleasure product was in fact amazing and needed a stand alone post! Colour me very, very surprised. With all the toys I have been testing as of late, I really did not expect one to stand out the way that it did. So, let me tell you all about it!
Firstly, it is now my second largest buzzing toy in my toy box. And the crazy thing is, the silicon is so soft and supple, that it takes only a slight bit of lube to slide right into place. I have a toy from different company of similar girth and made with silicon, that doesn’t even hold a torch to this comfort level and smoothness. So, buyers, please be aware that not all silicon is created equal. The Calexotics have exceeded my expectations with an almost silky, yet firm feel, and very easy to clean.
Now let us get onto the testing. My when I first turned it on, I actually
burst out giggling at the sheer drive of the clitoral stimulator. It actually has a visible pounding action
that both terrified and intrigued me. I
have not experienced anything like that before.
Usually it is a vibration, with various speeds and rhythms. But this, was something else entirely. And I should mention, I am not positive how durable
something like this will be in the long term.
I can only pound my clit so many times in a day right?!? But for the two-week
testing I did, there was absolutely zero sign of wear or of it slowing
Unfortunately, the incredible strength of the clitoral
thumping does come with a downside, and that my dears, is the sound. This is my noisiest toy. It isn’t annoying by any means, but there is
no chance of having a discrete playtime while your partner sleeps beside
you. This little thumper will absolutely
wake a person up. But, holy hell, they
would be waking up to quite a lot of fun!
So, maybe this is a plus?
The battery life is great, the size, and shape are amazing. And once I got the clitoral arm in place, I was basically holding on for an amazing ride. I am fully on board with this line of toys, and cannot wait to see what else they can come up with. Thank you Betty’s Toy Box, for helping me get through this quarantine with so much extra fun!
If you want to see some of the behind the scenes photos taken during my toy testing, Patreon would be the best place to find those little gems, and then make sure to purchase one of these amazing toys for your household!
Please note that this article contains affiliate links that send a small amount into my pocket when you purchase using them!
When I first started using vibrators, many moons ago, they required AA batteries. Thus, battery life became more of a joke than anything. If the remote control suddenly felt lighter and mysteriously no longer worked, you could bet with certainty that I had “borrowed” them for a quick little fix. The ongoing quest for double A’s was real! But because everything in our household required a AA there was never a reason to have more than one toy, or at least for me and my very tight budget.
But, like everything, we wanted safer, waterproof, sleeker,
shapes, sizes, and basically all the innovation available to us with our
toys. As a result, we were blessed with
integrated batteries, that required a plugin to charge. Now this, has created a whole new problem in
the world of masturbation. For you see,
if your charge runs out, before you have finished the job, you cannot just
scour up new batteries and finish. Oh
no, you now have to stop, and recharge the little beastie, in order to
finish. Sure, you could use your hands,
but when you need a quick stress relief, I for one implicitly trust the buzzing
device to wham, bam, thank you ma’am over my less than accurate fingers.
So, this is where my backup bullet AKA Pillow Talk Flirty Bullet comes into play. It is a remarkably powerful handheld device that is a consistent finisher. It charges in about an hour, simple to use, and most important to increase the pulse with one finger. But simplicity has a price, for me anyways. While the flirty bullet is incredibly reasonable (29.99 and of course you can always get a discount with BreakingAway at checkout) and it just can’t quite find my clitoris from a non-aroused state. I have to have it fully cranked to finish me off, with quite a firm hand on it’s placement. Where as with my favorite toys, they have a strong protruding face or edge that can stimulate me with far less effort or concentration.
Every single person is shaped differently, and for those with incredibly sensitive lady bits, this may be the answer. The silicon feels almost silky on the skin. And it is so compact, I would even feel safe traveling with it (and it is designed with a travel mode so it doesn’t easily go off in your luggage). But ultimately, this little beauty is always charged, and sitting in waiting until another toy lets me down with that terrifying slowdown of battery drainage. It just cannot quite rise to my occasion on its own.
Thank you for reading! And yes, there is a sexy behind the scenes photo from my testing of this flirty bullet on my Patreon if you are wanting to see more!
Late last year, I got this crazy idea that I needed to challenge myself sexually, and decided to open it up to everyone who reads my blog (please read this post for details). I have been using the phrase sex positive for so long now, that the timing felt right to push myself outside of my comfort zone (without any prompting from my partner). So, after careful consideration, I decided it was time to acquire my very first dildo, (affiliate link) one that would not be simply a part of a photo shoot, or a costume, but one I chose for my own pleasure. I have owned a countless number of buzzing devices and a few butt plugs over the years, but a dildo? Well, that was something I just saw contributing to my orgasmic pleasure, but low and behold, a hot pink one arrived on my doorstep and there was no turning back.
Now, before any of you start unbuttoning your pants,
thinking this is going to be a hot tale, about me and my new pink toy, I am
very sorry to disappoint you, but this is just not how this post is going to
go. Rather, this is a post about how
this toy, helped me to better understand my body, and the way I respond to
stimuli. For years, I have known that I
am multi-orgasmic, with the ability to get off in a wide variety of ways,
including penetration, clitoral stimulation, and through nipple play. I have long embraced the different ways I get
off via a vibrator versus a human being.
I have celebrated the different ways that my body responds, and as I get
older, I become less concerned with how many orgasms I have, and more about
just enjoying the ride.
With all that said, I was not quite sure what to expect from a dildo. I have read numerous sex toy reviewers discuss their favorite phallic toys, and the differences between smooth, ribbed, size, and of course girth. So, I felt that perhaps my first toy with a motor, would be a gateway to a whole new world of exploration. I started to imagine a drawer filled with a variety of colours and sizes, aimed to pleasure and please. But, here is the thing, dildo’s just don’t do it for me.
I set the mood, pulled up an erotic video, lubed it up, and
set aside an hour, uninterrupted for some real play time. And, with all that, I just felt like I was
thrusting into a blank void. There were
moments when I could feel the faintest tingling sensation, that perhaps I could
have really focused into building momentum for, but, it just felt like too much
effort to be worthwhile. I just couldn’t
seem to get anything going no matter the position I put me, or the toy
into. After my allotted time, I went
downstairs and enticed an amazing deep thrusting from my partner to bring me to
a happy ending. And while I am in no way
bummed about the experience, I was a little surprised to find out that I cannot
get off by everything I put inside me!
This toy will absolutely have it’s place in pictures, and
foreplay. It will be amazing to use with
couples, and other sexual exploration.
But alas, for solo play, it just didn’t hit my spots. And you know, that
is perfectly acceptable to admit and talk about. Not everything works for everyone. To all of you out there who own this toy and
love it, I am so happy for you! Sex is
about celebrating diversity! The phrase
sex positive does not mean that things are always amazing! Overcoming obstacles in a place free of shame
and guilt is all part and parcel of this amazing community!
If you happen to be joining in on my self pleasure challenge, I cannot wait to hear the words you use to describe your new toy! Remember, there is a draw and giveaway on January 28, 2020 so still plenty of time to get your toy and join in the challenge. And for a bonus entry, please subscribe to my Patreon!
Aka: Want to Start a Sex Blog? A Few Tips/Tricks and Mistakes I Have Made Blogging about Breaking Away From Monogamy
I started blogging in the summer of 2011 because I had a personal mission to work through a major problem I was facing in my life, and in my overconfident brain I figured a few people would be curious about the subject matter: non-monogamy. When I wrote my first post, as I’m sure a few of you have, it was from a place of heartbreak. I was motivated by a single thought, which was simply to write my story. As a result, I did zero research into making a blog readable, successful, profitable, or even clickable or shareable. I basically went in blind, thinking my clear mission statement would be enough for everything else to fall into place, whatever that ended up being. It turns out, it wasn’t. So let me share with you a few practical tips that I have learned over the years, often as a result of going in the completely wrong direction, and wherever I can, I will post practical links that will actually help you, especially if you want to talk about things that are taboo (affiliate links will be a part of this post, and do help me earn a small commission to cover my hosting fees, but I will get more into that shortly).
First things first, the reason this post is a little different to many “how do I write a blog post” is that I am gearing this towards taboo subject matter and the specific hurdles when you write about the word sex. So let’s get started with the first lesson I learned: Anonymity
Picking Your Name or Title
When I first got started, I used an alias, as so many out there choose to do. The thing was, I picked an alias that is in a language foreign to many of my readers. I chose, @k-ghislaine (which you can easily click to follow me on Twitter), and while it is meaningful to me, it is completely unsearchable, pronounceable, and instantly I created a situation where I would have to self-promote everything I put out. Now this was a choice I made consciously, and thought it would protect my work/life/relationship status. However, with that being the focus, what did I immediately do? Oh that’s right, I mass e-mailed the link to everyone in my address book, and posted the blog link on Facebook, under my own personal account. The take away? Choose your target, and decide how you are going to use your blog, podcast, or whatever medium that shares your unique message. And think beyond the heartache towards the scale-ability factor because you never know where something like this may take you. And this holds true for your blogs name, domain, and basically every social media handle you choose, so choose wisely.
Sex Positive Monetization
I have zero doubt that this is the main reason that you are reading this post. And the thing about this is, I am in no way pro yet. I make enough to cover all my fees incurred, and occasionally a little more. My blog, has always be like a journal for me, where if it makes a little that’s a bonus, but if not, that’s totally OK too, I will still blog. That being said, I know how daunting it can be to start researching ways to actually monetize your content, especially if you have nudity, talk about anything taboo, or dare I say, use the word sex in any way shape or form. When you get started, you are faced with a zillion and one hurdles, especially once you start reading the fine print on all the monetization sites available or affiliate programs that mainstream content creators have access to. Please don’t let that get you down, you still have options, it just might take a little more work.
One of the first paths I took that actually generated a little financial interest in my blog was doing a sex toy review. And not just any toy, a couple’s toy! Honestly, it was a lot of fun. I loved the anticipation of waiting for the new toy, testing it out, and ultimately writing the post. I totally understand the appeal of it, and would happily do one again in the future. But I would caution you about one thing, things are changing with toy reviews. You are very limited as to the pictures you take, where you can share them on social media, and the biggest reason I don’t do many is the competition aspect. There are so many incredible toy reviewers out there and honestly, I don’t feel like I offer anything unique to that discussion. In summary, product reviews are amazing, just make sure you offer something new, exciting, or unique to your audience or you will not retain them.
The second path I took, and take, is writing sponsored posts, or paid blogs for other sites. This is my clear favorite, as I love the exposure and the community building this brings. Ultimately, my goals are different than many out there, but if you really hustle to create incredible content, this works really well. There are some incredible resources out there when it comes to pitching, and if you would like me to share some insight on my techniques feel free to comment or reach out to me via whichever social media you found me on!
And finally the third, which is affiliate links (Such as this one for lube, sex toys, and condoms!) . Now these can be tricky to find for those who talk about sex in any depth beyond what I do. The reason I notice that is I have always walked a fine line between education and sharing sexy adventures. And that is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to banners or links that will actually pay me out. If you write sexualized content, you can find affiliate links on toy sites, P&%N pages, and with other promoters of the more XXX content. If you simply try to educate, you can find safe sex banners, STD testing sites, and that sort of thing. The key here, is to think outside of the box. What does your site say, and what products would you be happy to buy yourself and then promote? So, reach out to known sex positive industries, or sign up to affiliate sites specifically catered to sex and industry. There are a few out there, you just have to be a little savvy when searching them. And please, for the love of all that is holy, research the company first. It’s not worth making big bucks if your spreading hate, misinformation, or something that goes against your messages key values. That makes you a sellout and you will NOT retain traffic. If you go on my home page you will see a few banners from companies I love working with, but again, those may not work for the type of content you are creating. So be reasonable. It is not enough to just put up a banner and then watch the money roll in. Monetization takes special work, especially with the word Sex.
Writing content that people give a damn about is tough, even when your subject matter is titillating. And the major factor for this is people en masse are scared of sex. Individuals are typically rational, but group people in a room, and restrictions come at you from every angle. As a result, you will run into many issues when trying to spread your content. There are quite a few sites who won’t even take your money, or allow you to collect your hard earned dollars as a direct result of your subject matter. My biggest word of wisdom here is to read the fine print. Sure a site like Amazon may allow you sign up to be an affiliate, but if there is nudity anywhere, you are going to have a difficult time collecting your earnings. And that goes for all social media that you use. Understanding the restrictions is key to maximizing your influence (And no, I don’t mean be an influencer, but know your content may have an impact on someone so be mindful).
What has made me the most successful in getting noticed you may ask? The answer, is not caring what other people think and posting content that makes me feel like a whole human being. On each of my social media accounts I find meaning in actually connecting with people and not using it as just a platform to spam people with my words. There are quite a few studies right now to measure peoples happiness levels in conjunction to their social media usage and guys, I must say, there is a lot of truth to this. Whenever I portray myself as an object, or just a brand, I become miserable and need more and more frequent social media breaks. Whereas, when I am actively engaged, learning, reading others stuff, and building community I absolutely love it! So the takeaway, be mindful when you’re trying to get your work noticed. Don’t let the goal of becoming internet famous supersede your mental health. Better to have a few amazing fans, than a multitude of trolls.
Once you do find your stride, and have people who care enough to share, engage, or follow you, I highly recommend setting up a Patreon page. Without question, this has been the most rewarding experience for me. I cry (happy tears) with every new subscriber, even the ones who only pledge for a few hours. It’s incredible know that there are people out there who love your work enough to pledge a little bit of money to it. And with Patreon, you can make it your own and choose rewards that actually matter to your fans. I love the freedom of it all, and for me, I use it mostly to show off all the behind the scenes stuff I can’t put on my blog. But don’t let that sway you. Make your content anyway you choose!
When I first started blogging (My blogging reason), I used a free site with Blogspot. It was Google based and included SEO and rankings. It was a glorious. Then, tragedy struck. I gained a little bit of popularity and got flagged for my content. I had flown under the radar for years, even using adsense, but I think those days are pretty much over. With all the new restrictions and fears over sex, I quickly had to go self hosted, build a new site to maintain my own freedom of expression. It seemed like overnight I had to basically learn everything about building a site, hosting it, and my latest endeavor… SEO.
Honestly, for me, this is my current pet project. I spend a few minutes every day learning new tips/tricks to increase my organic views. And holy crap, the most interesting thing I have learned, is just how incredibly bad my blogspot site was! And how, in the blogging world, I have pretty much done everything wrong. Why do I share that? Because it is OK. I am learning from this, and I am so proud to have loyal readers who enjoyed my content even though the presentation was absolute garbage. So don’t feel bad, ever! If the content is something you take pride of, everything else will follow.
If you enjoyed this post, by all means, reach out! And if you have questions, want to start your own blog, or shift over to a self hosted site, I have written 3 sites which are live and am working on my fourth. If you need a graphic designer, I am currently working with one who is incredible and the perfect match for this sex positive blogger and her vision. Again, reach out. I would love to share my knowledge and help you succeed where I have failed, or in rare instances succeeded.
There is always more to learn, and I hope in a few years, I can write one of these with all the new lessons I have learned, because knowledge is power, and should always be shared!