Tag: Taboo

Saying No: It’s Not Just for the Bedroom

    K Ghislaine

Consent in our Daily Lives

Ask Before Touching

After publishing my latest piece on consent via Medium, a horrible thought struck me.  Are we reaching a saturation point, whereby we are overusing the word consent?  Are we perhaps beating a dead horse and losing the momentum?  The sex positive community knows what it means, and employs it regularly, whereas the primarily monogamous part of our society is ignoring the importance of what this actually means.  When I talk about consent with people in person, I get the impression that people just don’t care about the word or it’s implications.  It feels like it is reserved for situations such as rape, sexual harassment, etc.  Not something that the average person really needs to think about. 

We read in the news all about the extreme situations whereby a coach used their position of power to sexually abuse their athletes, or the serial rapist who drugged their victims then took advantage of them.  We as a society see these actions as morally and criminally wrong, and leave it at that.  We don’t think about, or want to think about everything that lead up to these extreme situations.  We don’t want to acknowledge that in our day to day lives there are countless moments where we just go with the flow.  We do not say no, or even yes with authenticity.

How many times in the past 24 hours have you been tasked with something that you did not want to do?  How many times in the last month were you asked to do something that you morally felt uncomfortable with?  Did it even cross your mind to say something?  Or, did you just go with the flow, and choose not to ruffle feathers.  To trust your superior, with blind faith?  I for one, do it all the time, or at least I know I used to.  I relied on a stable income, so I chose to not speak up when I felt uncomfortable with an assigned task.  I chose to just do my job, and that would be the end of it. 

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There is an added element to this, that I would be amyss not bringing up.  I was raised, as female, and to always be the peacemaker.  To try and find common ground, compromise, and above all, do not stand out or be bitchy.  I know, I have written about this before, but, it is necessary to repeat.  If you are raised, as I was, to be calm, level headed, always smiling person that people can count on, you are not in the same breath taught to assert yourself.  You are not taught how to say yes or no.  You are not raised to understand that your voice will be taken seriously, respected, or to have any impact whatsoever.  Your role is to keep things even and balanced.  But speaking up, and saying you are not OK with a situation is just, wrong.  This in short is not your place.

Obviously, this mentality, is part of the reason so many of us struggle with consent.  For my male counterparts, they were not raised to hear the word no.  And I was not raised to say the word no. So therefore, giving this whole consent topic anything more than a passing glance would be a waste of time.  This is a them problem.  This is something that outliers need to deal with.  No rational or normal person would take advantage of a situation or a person beneath them.  Well, if you haven’t figured it out already, that is a complete farce. We all, are faced with choices, on a daily basis, and especially us, easy going Canadians, will not speak our minds. We do not utilize the yes or no in our verbiage unless it is an extreme situation.  We choose not to offend within our families, or stand up for what’s right in our careers. 

Saying yes or no is still taboo, and this needs to change.  My voice matters, and your voice matters.  My ability to assert myself is a fundamental part of who I am.  Your ability to have autonomy over your body and actions are what make you… you!  We must start talking about consent, and how we can start using these words with authenticity, and how we can teach it to the next generation. 

Thank you to everyone who has like, read, shared, and special thanks to those who take the time to comment and engage! And if you want to go one step further, please check out my Patreon!

Building a Sex Positive Brand

    K Ghislaine
Building a Brand, while marching to my own drum!

What You’re Not Supposed to Talk About: The Lows

On July 30th I will be celebrating 8 years of blogging and as I have written a few times, I have certainly learned a lot and grown into the Sex positive soul that I am today.  But there is one key point that we, as content creators are not allowed to talk about, and that is the low’s of building a brand.  And that is just what my writing has become.  It has evolved past my own words, and into an identity all of it’s own.  It is a blog, a website, a coaching business, a podcast, and a place that has grown far beyond what I ever could have imagined at its conception.  And the reality is that it was incredibly hard, and I have shed countless tears over it.  And yeah, here I go again tackling another taboo subject, building a brand and what you’re not supposed to talk about, it sucks and is hard.

Social Media Skews Reality

For whatever reason our society has decided that social media is a place where you can freely share all the joys, highs, and amazing points in your life.  By extension, the same is true of starting your own business or brand.  We want to build this illusion that we are successful right from the onset.  Fake it till you make it is the rally cry we here.  If you want to get funding, support, accolades, or any sort of exposure you need to be unique, successful, and solve people’s pain in a way no one else can.  And yes, these factors definitely play into building a brand and are important for growth and success.  But, this is only a very teeny tiny fraction of the truth behind any creation, company, product, or in this case a brand.  The truth is, it is 99% percent blood, sweat, and so many tears in the beginning, and very few ever find success from all that hardship, and yet, we keep up with this smoke and mirror anyways because we cannot let go of our dream, or our what if.

But you see, I am not supposed to talk about this.  By sharing with you that blogging about my first open relationship, all the trials and errors of non-monogamy, and all the hardships I have faced by publicly sharing nude photos will give you doubt about my abilities as a writer.  It will make you question why you follow me, interact with me, or share my work.  If I go out, into the world showing the entire picture, I will be showing the truth behind the magic.  And then, what am I?  Just another hack, pushing and prodding, waiting for my next big break.

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The Creators Myth

I am supposed to tell you that I blog for fun.  It’s my hobby and if I ever make it great, but if I don’t that’s fine too. I love what I do.  And I will be completely honest with you, this statement is true.  I adore what I do.  And I am the entire embodiment of this brand I have built.  It has been worth almost every second I have put into it, and it is my passion.  That my friends though, is not the entire story.  The passion is the fuel that allows me to write a little more every day, and create engaging content, or photos.  But, you cannot feed yourself on passion alone, actually you cannot feed yourself at all.  And that my dear friends, is what we are not supposed to talk about.

I have a very dear friend who has created an incredible product, and has received awards, accolades, and international exposure for his invention.  People are constantly telling him that they love what he does, he is on the cutting edge of something big, and that they will support him any way that they can.  So he tells them that he needs funding to build the next prototype.  Guess what happens when the investors hear this…?  You guessed it, crickets!  Now again, I am not supposed to share this, and he is not supposed to share this pain.  Instead, we are all supposed to keep fighting the good fighting, wishing and praying that one day our ship will come in. Hard work always pays off we tell ourselves.  And yes, someday it will.  However, when you are in the thick of things, treading water, desperately hungry, and trying to fuel yourself with dreams, it gets…. disheartening.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Are you going to see a huge Go Fund Me link at this end of the post because I have guilted you into paying for the content that I offer?  Nope, that would feel weird, coercive, and honestly challenge my whole identity and belief of free flowing information.  While there will always be an affiliate link and a Patreon offer with each post, your interaction with those offers will not change the content I love producing.  This post is more directed at the other content creators, inventors, entrepreneurs, etc.  I want you to know I hear you pain, I feel the loneliness of hearing nothing but crickets post after post, and I acknowledge you wanting to throw in the towel and say screw it this isn’t worth all the shit, and abuse we get online daily.  We aren’t supposed to talk about the pain of building a brand, so I say screw it, let’s talk about it! 

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I want to hear your stories, so please write a post and link it in the comments, or link it to my twitter feed (with a note it’s OK to share) and I will add it to this post!   It’s OK to talk about the bad.  It’s human, and we need to feel safe to do more of it!

So Naïve! The Couples Quest

    K Ghislaine

I’m sure I have touched on this topic before, but in light of a recent conversation on the Hunter Gash and Alley Cat show (Which you should check out at GTFO if you’re 18 or older) I feel it deserves another look.  When E and I decided to look for couples to date together, I went into it with rose coloured glasses.  In short, I was optimistic and naive.  I honestly thought that amazing people would attract each other and that finding couples would be easier than finding new singles as a result.  I thought that all you would need to do was vet one person, and then naturally they would bring to the table their equally amazing partner, just as I was doing.  We would all get together for drinks, and laugh, share stories, and sexy times would inevitably be the result.

Yes, I went into this whole thing believing that finding couples would be simple.  I never considered opposites attract.  Nor did I ponder just how one sided many relationships are when it comes to entering into non monogamy.  I foolishly assumed that if two people were ready to head out on a date, that they would have put the same level of work into their relationship that my partner and I had.  That they would be confident (after the nerves of the first meeting wore off), and sure of what they wanted.  Oh, and I thought that as couples this would eliminate all the ghosting, bread-crumbing and they would be serious, AKA not time wasters.  It after all takes work to schedule 4 people, and that investment alone should mean that we are all willing and able.  Hence, when we finally meet, everyone would have the same goal, which is to have fun, and see if we all get along to determine if we would become friends or something more.  Oh my poor little naive and optimistic heart…

I also, very foolishly thought that because I already have a partner, and was not looking for perfection, that the couples we interacted with would be on that same wavelength too.  You know, looking for fun, willing to overlook a thing or two, and just enjoy the experience of meeting new people.  But oh no!  That has not been the case at all.  In fact, just recently I was chatting to a couple that I thought would be a lot of fun, and was just about to start scheduling a meeting between the four of us, when they dropped the bombshell.  They wanted to find a couple to help them raise their family.  I replied that we weren’t quite at that point yet in our lives with family, but why don’t we meet to see if we even click and go from there.  Not only did they not respond but I got deleted and blocked!  I mean I get that we weren’t quite on the same page, however, what’s the harm in meeting or at least getting to know a couple before you start a family with them?

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And did I mention that we are looking for a stable couple?  And by stable, I do mean a couple who love each other, and have a good solid foundation.  A couple that leaves the majority of their drama at the door.  Yes, we all have issues in our primary relationships, but we have come across two couples in particular who used opening up to try and save their troubled relationships.  And guess what, it didn’t work!  And it really sucked for us, as the couple coming into it.  For you see, I begin to care about the people I’m dating, and then when the relationship deteriorates I get upset too, and there are tears and then pretty much everyone breaks up!  It’s a crappy feeling!

So now I go into these first meetings a little guarded and I make a point of asking how long the couple has been together to potentially avoid that particular pain.  And while I can weed out the FWB or new partners very quickly it’s still time consuming business.  I tend to gravitate towards couples who have been together 5 plus years.  I find couples who are in love and stable to be much more attractive than just a couple of hot FWB who only have amazing sex together and no real intimacy.  Why?  Because I am not looking for one time hookups.  Scheduling is tough.  My life is very busy.  Finding partners who are in the same boat makes life much more relaxed and easy going, as you can accept everyone’s priorities and really value the moments the four get together.  For me, it is more intimate and special.

I hope in the next few years, I can lower my guard a little and go with the flow again.  But right now I feel stuck in this weird zone of too many red flags from everyone I talk to.  And I suppose part of the reason is in that open relationships, swinging, etc are becoming a little less taboo.  So the pool is getting a little fuller around the edges.  Many couples are dipping a toe in here and there.  Or testing the water, so to speak.  While exciting, it’s a little tricky when your ready to start swimming laps, and leave the water wings behind.  But hey, at least a few of those toe dippers will stick around to experience the full pool soon right?

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Catching the Feels

    K Ghislaine
 

“Don’t catch the feels” is a term that I see time and time again within the swinging community and if this is your first time hearing it, no, it is not something that swingers use in a positive light.  Avoiding catching the feels really separates swingers from the rest of the non-monogamous spectrum.  Because one of the main attractions to partner swapping and sharing is the ability to isolate sex from emotions.  You in essence can sleep with a multitude of people, get to know them, be social and do all these exciting and amazing things in the bedroom, but remain emotionally monogamous with your spouse.  For you see, if you develop any sort of feelings you must stop seeing these outside partners immediately.  That is a breach of trust within your relationship and basically violating the golden swinger rule; Thou shalt not catch the feels!

I hear this term frequently, within forums and any discussion about how to approach swinging for the first time, especially from the older generations.  These couples have negotiated the ideal that they can have sex outside their relationship with the clear understanding that it is only sex.  They can play together multiple times with the same couple, sometimes even for years at a time but there is no emotional bond beyond the sex and friendship.  There is a line strongly drawn in the sand here.  Your emotional connection is reserved for your spouse/partner and only for them.  With the acknowledgement that sex with other people is a lot of fun and encouraged so by all means embrace the physical.  But if you blur those two ideals, then your very relationship could be in jeopardy and your swingers card is basically revoked.

Ok, I’m over stepping a wee bit on the that last one, because there isn’t actually a swingers card, although that would be really fun.  A card where you have to basically sign that you agree to consent, take responsibility for your own sexual safety and you agree to abide by the house rules, whatever those may be.  But I have digressed there.  Let’s get back on track, those icky feelings.

I have explored so many wondrous relationship norms on the non monogamous spectrum, and if you’re a regular reader you know that I struggle with rules.  I struggle with being told that any relationship I embark on has limitations.  I am so much more flexible and open minded about these things.  I want to be able to explore without limits, other than safe sex of course.  So, in essence I feel like I am living a taboo within a taboo.  A non-monogamous open mindedness for relationships within the parameters of swinging or at times vice versa.  It’s a strange feeling.

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If you read my post Next Generation Swingers, you may have noticed that I see a whole new generation of swingers entering into the lifestyle and club scene.  And with that I see the potential to re-imagine or re-invent the term swinging, because the reality is it is already happening with the 20 somethings whether we like it or not.  They are groups of friends who go to clubs, host parties and have a much less restrained view on swingers and relationships.  It’s a new fresh community, which of course will create all new issues.  And the main one that I see, and dread being a part of, is the word drama.  When you eliminate relationships from forming beyond sexual contact with other couples, you do lessen the public drama.  Realistically there is still drama going on behind closed doors, and in private bathroom stalls (we’ve all been witness to those sobbing sounds).  But it is removed from clubs almost immediately, because bad vibes kill boners, it’s a fact.

So, with the influx of the young, and more relationship flexible people we are opening up to more drama.  Because relationships are very, VERY complicated.  So maybe that’s what the earliest swingers had in mind with the whole keep feelings out of swinging mantra.  And I have to admit, that they also created a very enticing idea of maintaining a constant adrenaline high of butterflies with new partners without ever having the heartache or breakup in the end.  But truly, don’t you think having the lows makes the highs so much more meaningful and valuable?  I know the argument that the lows are for marriage and that swinging is just a bonus for many.  So then my full disclosure here, is that I cannot separate sex from feelings if I want to get off in a way that really makes my knees shake, and nor would I want to learn how.  I adore the intensity of sex with people I care deeply about, so much more than just the fleeting excitement of newness.  The emotional connection has a staying power with me and that is where my physical attraction comes from.  So here I sit, a swinger outlier, yet again.  But I ask you, is there a single swinger out there who hasn’t yet discovered that you cannot ride the highs forever, no matter how much you try to avoid catching the feels?  Is this whole idea of sex without feelings simply a myth, an ideal that can never actually be achieved in the long term?  I would love to hear your thoughts…

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Is it OK to Flirt When You’re Married?

    K Ghislaine

One of the social constraints that monogamy places on a relationship is the notion that once you are married any sort of flirting is suddenly taboo.  That you must close off your sexual identity to everyone except your life partner.  I can see the beauty and sanctity in the ideology behind this thinking, and more I used to subscribe wholeheartedly to it.  You found your soul mate, and all your love should be saved for them.  On paper, it’s sweet, endearing and a fantasy that many of us longingly thought about in our youth.  But, is this practical, real world behavior?  Does this actually make the relationship healthier, and stronger or does it instead plant a seed of jealousy and possessiveness?

Depending on if you are a monogamous or a non-monogamous reader your relationship biases are going to play a major role in answering that question.  The beauty and trust in knowing your partner will never flirt with another human could be an integral part of why you got married.  That idea that you never have to worry, can be incredibly comforting and allow you to explore many other facets of your relationship.  Pair bonding is an incredible experience and not something I want to diminish the importance of as it’s critical in all partnerships.  I fondly remember how incredible it was for me, to tell people, that my first boyfriend and I were each others firsts and only sexual partners (well until our first breakup around year 6 anyways).  We were fully committed to each other in every single aspect of our lives.  And that was a really significant factor in us staying together for 9 years or so.  It gave us something extra to stay together for, something meaningful and gave our relationship an almost added importance.  Additionally, in the no flirting when married school of thought, I must add that many people hate dating and flirting, so they were all too happy to give that all up with marriage and not think about it again.

Now let’s talk briefly about the other side of the issue, the married people who think it is OK to still flirt.  And there are tonnes of us out there, many who would identify as monogamous too.  These are the people, who like me, absolutely love to flirt.  To push the envelope of friendship just slightly past the normal everyday pleasantries.  I for one, see, just how freeing and liberating it is to flirt.  How much a part of my sexuality comes alive when I get to talk, and be playful with new people.  It not only invigorates me, it also revitalizes my relationship with my partner.  Any swinger will tell you that often, they have the hottest sex with their partner when they come home from the club or a date.  So, the idea of flirting actually strengthens many relationships in direct conjunction with a solid foundation.  Having been in long term relationship on both sides of the spectrum I believe flirting, even when married is a true sign of a relationship that trusts, and ultimately has their shit together.

But the reality is that, what I think doesn’t matter.  What really matters is what we as a society publicly do or say.  And that is where I think the meat and potatoes really are because as much as you may agree with me in your head, what you support publicly is what gets noticed.  Take a fellow blogger, who shared her experiences with “bigger than friendship” feelings for a married man.  The public outcry from her followers, on Twitter, was predictably close minded.  The shame, finger wagging and instant judgement that she crossed lines by even talking to this guy, because he was… wait for it… married, was quick and very decisive.  And further that he was in a moral obligation to never have a female friend outside of his marriage, period.  Of course, there were a few open-minded comments speckled in, but until she came out with the piece called Aftermath the critics were outraged.  Was she and the married man engaged in some form of flirtation, how scandalous!  But was it harmless?  Well that depends on your prerogative and what you have negotiated as your own personal marriage terms and boundaries or your base belief system.  Wait scratch that… it actually has nothing to do with anyone but him, his wife and Lucy.

See the thing of it is, us non-monogamous folks, we talk about these things like is flirting ok when we get married.  There are no assumptions made in a healthy and communicative partnership.  We negotiate and re-negotiate our wants, needs and our boundaries.  And what’s more, we implicitly understand that all the people we interact with in the community, are doing the same.  So, we don’t make assumptions for their relationship boundaries either. We ask, we talk, we respect what works for them.  The monogamous world, doesn’t do this.  Instead there are harsh guidelines that public opinion dictates as a result of whomever speaks loudest or often who presents an argument that involves the most public shame, and that becomes the standard.  Protect the sanctity of marriage even though we don’t talk about what that actually means!  Nowhere did anyone ask or suggest, that Lucy, and the married man have a discussion about their friendship boundaries or if that that worked with the wife.  Instead, Lucy, developed feelings, understood that having feelings for a married man was wrong, shameful and ended things.

But what if there was another option?  What if it was permissible to flirt in the married couple’s relationship?  And further what if as a standard for monogamy the conversation about what cheating actually entails occurs?  What if public opinion did not dictate relationship norms, and instead we embraced the idea that each partnership is unique, respected and we went on with our merry little lives?  What if, it is OK to flirt when you’re married?

Curious about Lucy’s story?  I highly recommend you giving this 3 part blog post a read, not only because @LucyGoesDating said I could share!  But also because her blog is super fun to read, and so completely opposite from mine that I adore it. So here is part 1 to get you started, Married Man Part 1.

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