The Checklist for Finding the Perfect Male to Procreate With

Please note that this piece is satirical in nature, created in direct response to a repulsive list making it’s way around the interweb with the intent of giving men a list of rules to find the perfect wife.

In the beginning women were worshiped and revered for being the true Goddesses of society and their families.  Men were in awe of our sacred and mystical abilities which included the ability to bear children.  We kept the secret behind our fertility and reproductive requirements within out gender for generations.  Men were oblivious to the fact that women had the power to choose a mate, while at the same time, choose a physical partner with which to create new life.  It was our prerogative and right to use men in the manor that suited our companionship needs, our pleasure, and kept us in power for quite some time.  And then men got jealous.  They started asking questions, and getting too wise to the fact that they were bigger and stronger so perhaps they should be the revered sex.  And so one day, one man made the correlation between bedding a woman and a baby appearing 9 months later and suddenly the mysticism behind our great power was gone.

So we relinquished our power, and moved into the background of the historical records.  We began to understand that power can always be taken away and can never be an absolute.  So, we evolved our thinking and evolved to start working towards equality instead.  To finding a way to be valuable to society, without overstepping the male leadership, which they were enjoying far too much.  To suit this ultimate goal and allow us time to formulate a real plan, we created busy work for the men.  Encouraged them to go to war, start industry and develop new technologies.  All were done with the sole purpose of giving us some breathing space so we could sort out the wants and need necessary to co -exist with equality among the sexes.  And ultimately unify our gender’s, work together and not against.

But in order to do this effectively we needed to come up with ways to ensure our offspring were of the best possible breading.  We needed to regain the power of our procreation first and foremost allowing us the ability to choose that most perfect mate.  As the sugar and spice of humanity we created a list to help us become more picky and choosy in selecting these husbands and partners.  As any woman knows, the toll that bearing children takes on our bodies alone is enough to warrant this very important checklist.

  • First, a man’s height is very important, but if that is lacking he better make up for it with strength.  A man must be able to sweep you off your feet, both literally and figuratively.  The first true test of his procreative prowess will be in carrying you across the threshold on your wedding night.  He shall not gasp, pant or struggle as he picks you up.  Anything less than majestic beauty as he lifts you up, walks forward and gingerly places you on the bed it unacceptable. 
  • Next the eyes.  When you look into a man’s eyes you must see right back into your soul, with a hint of mystery.  You want eyes that you can stare into for hours during the most loving and tender moments.  But stay clear of a man whose eye has no sparkle or shine.  These are the men with much to hide, and are too focused on themselves, for it will bring much hardship to your offspring.
  • Now look at his ears and the nose.  If they are already large early in life, remember that the ancient Chinese believed that big ears and noses were a sign of wisdom and luck.  He needs both to ensure the future of our species.  But remember, only one of the spouses requires the luck gene, so if you’re the one with the larger orifices, choose someone a little under proportioned.
  • And here we rapidly shift to his physical manhood, the penis.  His dick should never frighten you, be it with python like size, girth or with a hairy untamed mess.  His penis should respect that you are the boss, and not it.  And should react with erect confidence whenever you approach.  If this happens, feel free to reward it with kisses and licks, encouraging continuation of good behaviour and pleasing appearance.
  • When it comes to the act of sexual intercourse.  The perfect mate will never allow himself to orgasm before ensuring that you, his wife or partner are completely satisfied.  He will please you whenever you wish him to, and will always show up for sex clean, able and without socks.  If any of these are missing, you simply say no, and go and grab your favorite toy as there is no need for you to be punished for his bad behaviour.  And when he has proven his worthiness, you may of course choose to procreate as is your Goddess like right!  The ultimate praise for a job very well done!
  • And just one more thing to keep in mind, this man must be a perfect blend of tenderness and manliness.  For example if your man cannot take down a wild animal with his bare hands for dinner and then present it to with wine and candles, then, you must send him packing before making a baby.  How else can you ensure that you, and your offspring will survive the zombie apocalypse, I mean the coming of equality, if he cannot even take down a bear by brute force alone and then rub your tired feet at the end of the day?  This is the ultimate showing of bravery, and love.  A true man, fit to procreate with you.



So share this, with every woman, to remind her the we still have the power to choose.  We have the will to ensure equality.  And ultimately we have complete control of our bodies, procreation and the absolute voice to say NO.

Swingers Rules and Why I am an Outlier Part I

In general, social groups are comprised of like minded individuals who come together for a commonality.  There are those who create a generalized norm, follow the mean, and then we have the outliers.  In the world of non-monogamy I have often felt like the later.  Part of the reason of course is that I don’t particularly like rules or being told what to do, and the other part is that I constantly evolve my thinking based on new experiences and education.  When it comes to the term swinger, I feel more like an outsider than in any other branch.  And yet, I attend swingers parties once a month, frequent clubs, whereby I have an incredible time, and it should be said, have met the most like minded connections.  However this may be an anomaly as I will soon point out due to the strict nature of the puritan swinger.

The following list of rules, is based on my own experiences, and those of current online forums.  This is not a complete list of course, simply the ones that best express my views on feeling like an outlier.
1)Never make swingers out of friends.  

2)If you develop feelings for any of your play partners you must end things immediately. 

3)Leave all drama at the door.

4)Do not ever gossip about other swingers.

Rules are made to protect the society you are a part of, and swinging is no exception.  There is a lot going on so hard and fast rules do more good than harm or do they.  I am beginning to think that these rules were designed for a generation with whom have had their day in the sun and have actually run their course.  A generation that was used to hiding, and keeping their sexual exploration in complete isolation of their day to day lives.  Or had simply no network of support with which to embrace a swinging sexuality and a normal 9 – 5.  We call it the swinging 60’s in retrospect, and yet, very few were public about their lifestyle.  We assume “everyone did it” and yet we don’t know anyone who actually is brave enough to admit it.

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Let’s assess these rules in reverse order for a little fun.  Do not gossip about other swingers is fairly straight forward and seems reasonable.  However if perchance you run into a couple who is belligerent or abusive towards you or your partner, guess what?  You get shunned if you say anything or tell anyone.  Why?  Because anonymity is more paramount than safety.  Yes, you heard right.  If anything goes amuck your responsibility is to keep your mouth shut and quietly move onto someone else.  I think we can all agree that mindset needs to change.  We should be mature enough to make our own decisions based on all the information given to us.  To give people chances where due, and to say no, whenever we feel that someone crossed a line.  There are so many non-monogamous folks out there now, that this fear you will have no one to play with ever, should not take priority over warning your partners of someone who in your opinion is toxic.  While the word gossip itself is bad, in umbrellas every single negative word you may voice over someone else in your community.  We need to extend love and support if someone has been wronged and not ostracize as is the current model.

Next up, leave all drama at the door.  Our members only house party has this rule.  And within a house party, or club setting I have absolutely no issues with it.  However this rule extends far beyond the social setting.  If let’s say a couple is having issue with jealousy or any other emotion that may hinder their libido the first thing a swinger will say is  “this is a drama free environment, so clearly you are not ready to swing if you cannot deal with this issue”.  In my world, I strive to surround myself with a loving and supportive network.  A place where I can discuss my issues, or tribulations within the lifestyle, and not have to hide it for fear of breaking the rules.  While drama is not much fun in a public setting, why should couples have to put everything on hold and recluse until they figure things out?  With all these amazing, well put together couples, you would think we would be more open to helping and sharing our successes rather than shutting out those that make poke holes in our obvious facade.

On a side note, it is interesting to me, that our (being swingers) resources are long lists of “read my mistakes and learn so you don’t have to”.  Rather than providing help, advice and compassion to get over the rough stuff we dismiss the opportunity to share strengths alongside weaknesses.  The reality of a drama free rule is simply that we are free of drama in the here and now, in the current moment and that seems to be all that is necessary to engage in group or partnered sex.  And that seeking advice or help is dismissed as you are simply not in the right head space or emotional state to swing. Obviously I think we can do better.

 So with those first two (or last two as it were) addressed please stay tuned for part II.

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