I have reached a strange point in my finding new people path, in which, I need to accept that we all have pasts and perhaps even a skeleton or two. I have been in my head for so long, fearful, that I would be judged for having a non-monogamous past, that I forgot something simple, others have lived experiences too that may be different from mine. Writing those words down, it seems so clear, and rational. Of course, other people have pasts, and of course there might be some adjusting I need to do to get to know them. And this, is the key point that honestly has been holding me back, and I needed to understand, we need to accept our past.
Thank goodness for the calmness I find in yoga and stretching or I might not have got here. Well, and also the rational and brutally honest voice of one of my dearest friends, who manages to amaze me with her frank cutting through of all the BS that clouds my judgment. And while I don’t ever recall having this precise conversation with her, I do know what she would say to me, if I vocalized that I was worried about my past in her. Her response would be curt, and so full of love and wisdom, the perfect balance to have in a friend. Haha. Ultimately, she would look at this post, and just roll her eyes, that this wasn’t just obvious to me. Of course, I am not the only one on the planet going into new relationships with baggage or things from my past.
And well, she’s completely right, or would be if I dared ask her, but it was difficult to see. I spend so much time writing about this big thing, (to me), and it’s hard not to go into the real world and feel that someone out there will think it is too big for them. And of course, that means they are not the right human for me. In the here and now though, it can feel like a barrier. Something insurmountable, and somehow makes me unlovable. Can you build trust with someone who had a sexually non-monogamous past? The Dirty Stigma around Non-Monogamy is a whole other box to unpack.
I made a huge mistake earlier in the year by not telling a person I was interested in about the topic of my would be book, and blog. And it ate me up inside. It was the exact scenario whereby I kept meaning to tell him, and then, I just wouldn’t and more days would go by. To be fair, neither of us talked about our pasts. We were very much experiencing life in the present, with zero talk of future. However, the feeling was uncomfortable and not one that I want to repeat. And thus, here I am trying to do better, and be less fearful of my past relationship department. And the best advice I can give myself, is to put myself in their shoes, and realize they have a past too. Now… onto the next puzzle, and that is finding a person who wants to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Ooph!
Thank you to everyone who has bought me a beer this year! I have some very fun photos planned for December on my IG and Patreon…. so stay tuned!