Hope, Hugs, and Other Thoughts

The Start of a Pineapple

I awoke this morning with the lingering and if I’m honest tingling sensation of an amazing and sexy dream. As I lay there, I tried to remember every single juicy detail of the dream that had me feeling so alive, and slowly the full picture appeared. Wait! That couldn’t be right. There must be more to what made me feel so alive, invigorated, and almost goddess like. And yet, the memory felt correct. I dreamed that a guy told me I made him feel better, hugged me, and asked me if I felt better. No we were not laying in bed, naked, in a tangled web of sheets. We were bundled up, after walking our respective dogs, and simply had a moment of truth.

For whatever reason, I had started crying and he showed me kindness by holding me. Even now, writing these words I am crying (holy frick you could play a drinking game based on how many times I have cried writing blog posts this past year!). The impact of another human being caring about me, holding me, and then opening up themselves is… missing. Deep down, that is the intimacy I crave right now. A real connection. That bond. Isolation does crazy things to a person. In fact, it is forcing me to do a hard reset and I have fought it every step of the way!

Four or five years ago, I was out there chasing butterflies and that first touch. Looking for new, exciting, and mere moments that I hoped would turn into a variety of sexy and incredible adventures that I could share with my partner. And now, as that dream reminded me, I just want a meaningful hug. One that opens two people up to each other. A hug that bears the raw souls of the individuals. I know a moment like this cannot be forced, rushed, or even searched for. It will happen organically when I least expect it. But hot damn… for a dream about a hug to do what it did to me. It really puts everything about the here and now into perspective.

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In the last 48 hours, hope has been stripped away from me. Not in some malicious or ill intended way, but more subtle. I have been trying to find joy in the small things like an innocent flirtation with people I see at work (not co-workers to be clear) and whoosh… Covid has again slammed that door. Next up was online dating but I find it completely barren of any human who will chat with me in one sitting. It seems that 4 – 5 days is the new norm for response time? So that fun little outlet has turned into something I dread. Getting my hopes dashed day after day when I match with someone only to have the conversation dwindle away into nothingness.

And finally, the last straw, I realized that my intense and passionate personality may be what has so many people from my past choosing friendship rather than intimacy with me. Foolishly I created hope, that I could get a few things going with people from my past and kindle some new possibilities. But, as it turns out it wasn’t just bad timing. It was in fact, that the interest just wasn’t/isn’t there. In the last decade, I have been able to pursue anything that I wanted. The fact that I held, and that they held off means something. And well, I just didn’t want to see all these things at the same time.

So, when I went to sleep last night, my brain did the one thing it could. It showed me the most basic form of human intimacy, and the reality of what I am missing. Hope. It put all the things that I couldn’t process together. A touch rarely leads to anything more than just a hug, but maybe just maybe one in the future will absolutely rock me, and spark that passion. For now, I just have to live each day for the moment it is, knowing that it will all start when we can touch again.

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Breaking Away: My Podcast is Back!

I am very excited to announce that I finally struck inspiration and will be relaunching my podcast!!! And while I dearly want to write out a long explanation as to where Breaking Away is headed that would defeat the purpose of recording Episode 6!  So without further ado, please click on the icon and have a listen!

Exploring Together, a new outlook!

I look forward to your questions, comments, and sharing this exciting exploration of shame free sex positive exploration. And for those who love early access and bonus content, please consider subscribing to my Patreon.

Halloween 2020

Eve Looking for Her Adam

I originally called this piece my Halloween lament. After a great night’s sleep, I awoke with fresh perspective, and what I hope will be a tear free day. Halloween has always been my favourite holiday and if you search the sidebar of this blog with Halloween, you will see tonnes of posts celebrating it, and a few costumes as well. Obviously this year is 2020, so of course we cannot have nice things like a vanilla costume party, followed by the more riske and sexier one at a swing club.  So, here I find myself with no choice but to join the masses and get dressed up for myself, and my virtual audience on this Halloween 2020.  The new normal!

While dressing up is amazing and I am glad I get to share my costume with anyone who dares to read this, I am struck with a nagging emotion I can’t quite shake, I’m lonely. And Halloween has historically been the time of year that I upstart my social calendar. Because I am chasing every costume party I can find, I also get to meet a wide variety of people. I have always made new friends, and the occasional sexy connection as a result of using costumes as an ice breaker. As we all know, that is not an option this year. Instead, I am staying comfortably within my little bubble of amazing friends and doing the most low key Halloween to date. One small gathering, with no new faces, and the realization that there will be no new faces for a long long time.

I have had more than a few people ask me how I could possibly feel so lonely because I am non-monogamous, so clearly I must have a rolodex (OK, only I still use that word) full of fine men just waiting for me to reach out. And let me tell you something, I don’t. For better or for worse, I have never felt comfortable just keeping people around “in-case” I need them. And with my life getting flipped upside down the past few years, I stopped putting any effort into meeting anyone new. I just wasn’t feeling whole, or sexy, or emotionally willing to get to know anyone. So, to use a phrase from ELByrne, I find myself with an empty funnel, and more disastrous, during my favourite holiday to meet new people.

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This year, when Halloween is over, I am going to feel the drop. That weird realization of sitting on my couch, finishing off my candy, too scared to watch horror movies by myself, and wishing that things were different. Wishing that 2020 had just never happened, and that I could just go back to dancing the night away, mingling, flirting, and looking optimistically at my new contacts the following morning. But, it is 2020, and pretending it’s not won’t change a thing.

So, here I am, dressed up all by my lonesome, drinking a beer, and taking all the photos (NSFW are up on Patreon). Because this is what really happens when I find myself with nothing but time, and a huge emotional void to fill. Le sigh… Trying to make the most out of this Halloween is tough, but I’m sure I will look back upon it, as a minor roadblock on the way to something amazing.  Right?

Swingers: Please Stop Swinging

Until you can again get consent from every person you interact with…

I try not to speak out against people in the swinging community, for one simple reason, I think it is more beneficial to show the good in the community. However, right now there are podcasters, even organizers, and club owners who are basically shining a horrific bright light on the community, and I all I can think is “you do it to yourself!”. It is heartbreaking, because I spend countless hours each week trying to dispel taboo’s, and talk about the great points of non-monogamy. Dispelling myths is absolutely my jam, and while I don’t have a huge reach, I feel that what I do is valuable. But here I am, watching people I follow like @CooperSBeckett and Steak&Tequila speaking up, and I feel compelled to join them, by saying Swingers, stop swinging.

I won’t mince words here with my point. There are swingers right now who are putting their sexual lusts ahead of the good of the community and that makes me sick to the stomach. I am not OK with hotel takeovers during this global pandemic. I am not OK with sex clubs being open, claiming that they are only open to consenting adults who know the risks, because there are just no get out of jail free cards here. I recognize that the club owners need to keep their livelihood, but the cost is just too great here. I have empathy for every small business owner out there, but you cannot put people in harms way for profit. You just can’t, it’s wrong.

I am going stir crazy at home. I hate not being able to go out and meet new people in person like I used to do. I miss dancing, flirting, having sex in front of a group of consenting adults. I hate the isolation, and yeah, my libido feels like a caged animal right now. I even broke my favourite vibrator due to over use. But, my love of my fellow man is more important. These are small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things. 

I’ve said it before, but when you go to a sex party during a pandemic, you are putting the cleaning staff, uber/cab drivers, liquor store clerks, grocery store clerks, and each and everyone of your family members at unnecessary risk. Why? Because you selfishly need to get laid! Often these innocent bystanders are lower income, and don’t have the choice to say no to work. But guess what? You, have the choice to put your sex drive on pause, for the good of others.

There has been such a push for consent, and if you’re a swinger I know you have heard the word. Well, consent isn’t just about sex. Consent is a norm that should be extended to all humans we interact with. And let’s face it, there is no way you are telling your elderly parents that you can’t see them for 14 days because you have to isolate after sex with strangers. There is no way, you are telling your babysitter that you are wearing a mask to drive them home, because you have just had your face in a stranger’s crotch. While swingers are more adept at hiding their lifestyle, if no one is supposed to be going out in groups, you stand out like a sore thumb! Just stop it!

I want to get back out there in 2021. But the more I see about people saying, bring your parties to Florida, we have no restrictions. Or emails saying, the hotel takeover was sold out in record time, and we are looking for a bigger venue. Or advertisements of podcasts driving across the country bringing the parties to you! I am just… tired. So tired. And sexually frustrated, and there is no end in sight.

If you are reading this, and feel it is a stretch and I am drawing ridiculous conclusions, I actually feel very sorry for you. In fact, I think I am under reacting, because the damage you are doing to the integrity of the non-monogamous community is heartbreaking. When this is over, we may have to go back underground, hide in shame, and stop using the word ethical. That crushes my soul. It’s a loss I am not prepared for. So please, cancel your events. Stop taking risks in the name of sex. And follow this simple rule, if you’re not willing to be open and honest in seeking consent when putting anyone into contact with you, you probably shouldn’t do it!

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Random Guy VS Me

AKA Trying to Date While Writing a Blog About Non-Monogamy

Serenity NOW!!!

The following is a real interaction I had with a guy who randomly messaged me on an online dating site, after reading my blog (I assume the title only).  Did I push his buttons a little? Yup. Did I change anything in this conversation? Only the part where I called him out for a mutual hobby of ours (which I did to protect his identity). Why am I sharing a blog post like this? Because I am tired of people not believing me when I say online dating is horrific. And, men want my horror stories all the time, so this will also save me a little breath.

***

Random:

Breaking away from monogamy ? . . . . . Careful that you don’t catch a Sexually Transmitted Disease.

Me:

Cool story bro. Thanks!

Random:

To each his own. . . . I think sex is so much better, and so much more intimate, under a committed exclusive relationship. . . But, to each his own.

Me:

Wow…. again, thanks for the unsolicited opinion!

Random:

Good luck to you.

Me:

Ahhh,… you’re christian. That explains you thinking you are entitled to judge complete strangers who have done NOTHING to you.

Random:

You’re a hypocrite. . . . That is what you are doing. . . I simply stated facts. . . When you have multiple partners who themselves have multiple partners, you are highly likely to contract a Sexually Transmitted Disease . . . . This is a general FACT. . . . .NOT OPINION. . . . Also, sex is a very personal and intimate act. . . . If you are someone who commits that very personal and intimate act with multiple people, it shows that you do not regard sex as a very personal and intimate act, but instead are carelessly feeding your insatiable appetite for lust. . . . It also shows that you don’t know what Love is, and are very likely a cold hearted person who shares her body with anyone.

Me:

I feel so sorry for you and your archaic ideas.

Random:

And yes, I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. . . . Yes, I do believe that He shed His innocent blood for all of humanity, that we all may be saved from our sins, (which include insatiable appetites for porn and sex), and have personal loving relationship with the Creator.

Random:

We’re all going to die sweetie. . . . You’re going to face your Creator one day. . . . I just hope that when that time comes, you’re a believer, that you will face Him as a believer, and not as a condemned sinner. Those men, they don’t love you. . . . They’re just using you.

Me:

Awe… Again, my sympathies. I really do feel sad for you.

Random:

I’ll pray for you. . . . . Be careful. . . . STDs are real.

Me:

Thanks, I can always use a little extra positive energy focused my way!

****

Thank you all for reading my little tale, and for the record, I did block him. So, this will be the end of our interaction. Onwards and upwards to better people and more interesting stories, because my goodness that was a painful one! Now back to the Sex Positive for 31 Days challenge and posting fun content on my Patreon!!!