Write on the board 50 times:

Notebook #SorryNotSorry

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I do not have to always explain myself.  My experiences are valid! #SorryNotSorry!

What is something you need to write out 50 times? Let’s share, and lift each other up with words of validation and encouragement. And a special shout out to those willing to share some beer money!

Compassion, Empathy, Love

( Trigger Warning: Please note that the following poem is a raw and real release, kindly skip this post if you are not comfortable with reading triggering phrases )

Raw and Real

To the man who gaslit me,

To the man who ghosted me,

You are no longer in control my thoughts even though you once consumed me.

To the man who hit me,

To the man who raped me,

You will never own my spirit even though you broke my body.

To the woman who violated me,

To the woman who demeaned me,

May you learn from my coldness, grow from my absence, and never again control another.

To the people who raised their voices,

To the people who ran to their keyboards,

May you face your foes in person, may you know true dialogue, and the art of real argument.

I have committed many errs,

I have made many mistakes,

My vow is to continuous learning, growth, and being accountable for my wrongs.

Compassion is king, empathy is queen, and love is our ace in the hole.

A huge thank you to everyone for their loving support of this blog, and all my endeavours. And of course, for keeping the beer flowing.

Aftershocks, Energy Flow, and Actually Feeling Re-Filled?

Aftershock Bliss

So, let me continue with my exploration of aftershocks and energy.  In my last piece I aimed to better describe what I was feeling when in comes to my world of aftershocks.  Thankfully, it resonated with a person I was failing to describe it in words to, so yay me!  And now, if you will indulge me for a moment to take it a step forward, and discuss what happens after the aftershocks: the formation of my energy cycle.

In the past, I have been with men who sucked the energy out of me.  Thus, my role was an exhausting endeavour to find new sources of energy for myself, so then I can give it to my loved ones.  Obviously this, is not sustainable, especially long term.  It works for a while because I love feeling needed and wanted, but if for whatever reason that wains (which of course it would), well… it’s a disaster.  Now, as much I try to be aware of this negative energy cycle, I must admit that I am attracted to this feeling of being wanted, and thus, it is difficult for me to actually break.  That being said, I think, I may have just found the thing that may once and for all break my determination to fall headfirst into this pattern, and that is in finding someone who creates an energy flow with me.

I’ve felt snippets in the past, but if I am completely honest, they result from sexual energy alone.  If we are having sex with the frequency of rabbits, then it works well.  But, relationships, and life always seem to get in the way of that being sustainable.  So imagine me being completely unprepared for what I have been experiencing over the past little while.  And that my friends is feeling re-filled by a person, and if I am reading things right, him feeling the same.  It’s like we complete each other? 

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I don’t know if I am getting ahead of myself, and describing something that is more NRE (new relationship energy) rather than something far more.  But this does have all the telltale signals that it’s more than just the new.  We have been friends for many years.  We can talk about pretty much anything and everything.  We enjoy each other’s company.  We both think the world of each other, and can clearly express that.  Oh and the sex is amazing.  We have an intimate chemistry that just seems to work on a level beyond words or direction. That being said, when direction is given it is understood and taken to the absolute next level with enthusiastic gusto. 

Ooph!  I’m a puddle just thinking about that.  Anyways, back on track.  Wait… was there a track?  Or is this it.  Finding an energy loop that works for two people?  With little bolts of aftershocks to fuel you for the moments you are apart?  Is this what people are looking for?  Or the lucky ones having already found?  If this is the relationship secret, then, I am all aboard.  Of course, nothing is perfect, or without problems.  For us, it will be time and space.  Oh, and being very different people, who are inherently stubborn fools.  But… there is something here worth exploring.  Worth every single fantasy.  And absolutely worth the effort on both our parts. 

If I am jumping the gun, and putting this out into the world prematurely, then so be it. I am feeling these intense feelings right now, and they are valid.  Right or wrong, or even if they are felt as strongly by the other side really doesn’t change my excitement, or feeling of sheer bliss right now. And with that, I have started an energy cycle that I hope remains my norm for years to come. Breaking away from being the relationship battery if you will.

For the behind the scenes photo please check out my Patreon which fuels my creative juices!

Boy Free Zone… ?!?

Boy Free Zone

It’s been 2 months of living solo, and whether by design, necessity, or circumstance, my new place has turned into a boy free zone. And I am not quite sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, having a place where not one man has my address is completely freeing. And thus, it has become my sanctuary.  On the other hand, it’s tough to know for sure if this is due to me just not feeling anyone is worthy of coming over, or if I’ve just been holding out for that one special person. If you had asked me 5 years ago if I even thought there was just one special person, I would have said hell no!  We can have multiple, and thus, by extension, I should by now, have given my address to multiple men, living wildly in my free and single youth-ish? Yet, here I sit, in my boy free zone.

I’ve written a few times in my Medium articles about this idea that any relationship is valid, so long as you and your partner choose it.  And this, this is the relationship I want.  One that works for my partner and I.  One that we come up with together, suits our lifestyles, and brings both of us the highest possible level of joy. First though, I have to find that partner.  Wait… am I even doing this right?  Is this even a thing?  Am I once again, out on an ideological limb, forging a path in the most dense forest I can possibly find?

Now though, I am just not sure what I want in a long term relationship.  I know, for my regular readers you’ve seen my back and forth over the past few years, with my uncertainty becoming more and more prominent. And of course I know that that is not the way I am supposed to do things. As time goes on, I am supposed to gain clarity and a sense of what I want. But… and here is the big but… I am stuck with the idea that I must first discover who I want.  And that, will lead me to discover what type of relationship I will want to forge.

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Yeah, probably.  Because that seems to be what I do best.  Get an idea, then just run with it, headstrong and fancy free?!?  So, again that brings me to this whole “no boys allowed” thing. If I want a partner, and I want to forge my own path, why I am being so protective about my space?  Why am I not allowing boys to come on over?  Again, I find myself with more questions than answers, clinging to this hope that this will all work out for me.  It must, right?!?!

I have a year lease, so I hope that at some point over the next year, I get to write about actually having my first boy over!  Cause that would be pretty spectacular!  But, with my luck lately, I should probably not try and get too far ahead of myself.  Baby steps.  One little plan at a time.  For now, boy free is working, or I have just accepted that it is what it is. I do hope that special soul is out there, wanting to be the first one invited.  But my life continues to remain weird.

Beer money can be given to yours truly via my Patreon! And yes, there is a behind the scenes photo from this blog post on there… 🙂

The Backlash of Writing About Being Comfortable Naked when Thin…

Comfortable Naked After a Lot of Hard Work!

Yup, never fails that when I write an article about body image, and being comfortable naked, I get put on blast for trying to express that my body image issues are the same as those who are not skinny.  Every, single, freaking, time!  Look, everyone should be able to talk about weight, body image issues, and be able to express hope that someday in the future looks won’t matter.  Just because I am thin, and my experience is different than a person who has experienced fat shaming, does not mean I must remain silent, on body image. Or that my expression is invalid.  Yes, I have issues with my body, and I am trying to open up conversation.  I in no way, have tried to diminish anyone else’s experience.  In fact quite the opposite, in that I have openly asked others to share their stories, if they feel comfortable so we can have real dialogue about how body shaming hurts everyone.

The second matter of BS, that this article opened up, was the mass of men who said they didn’t think I should have body image issues because I look amazing. What, the actual F?  How is that helpful at all?  So, some stranger saw a photo and then decides that my feelings and experiences are invalid?  No thank you sir, no thank you! You have no idea what I worked through to get here! Perhaps if you had actually read the article I wrote for Medium, instead of just reading the headline, but… clearly that is asking far too much. I have to add one caveat, and that is to my dear friend who wrote surprise at my feelings and provided me a space to talk further about it, then offered real comfort and uplifting sentiments. He didn’t just outright dismiss my feelings out of hand because he didn’t agree with them. This of course was only made possible because this guy actually knows me, and we have honest and real dialogue.  He in no way invalidated me, but instead expressed an opinion, followed by giving me healthy space to further express.  There is a communication learning opportunity here. You can have an opinion, but it’s all about delivery, and what your intent is. If you are just trying to tell a person that their experience is wrong or invalid, please don’t.

Strangers judging other strangers is not the answer to building a better world/community/space and what have you. I expressed an experience, that was supplementary to sharing how non-monogamous situations helped me see myself and others in a less critical light.  But instead of focusing that, by all means try and tell me that I just don’t understand, nor will I ever, because I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be judged for how I look because the thin experience doesn’t count.  Those with this opinion, may I ask how you don’t see irony in this?

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I want to make it clear, as I said on Twitter, that I in no way think skinny shaming is equal to fat shaming. They just aren’t. I have never implied that. My intent was to broaden the sphere of conversation, and to express the very real sentiment that I too have felt insecure with my nude form, but when faced with a broad range of naked bodies (of almost every single shape and size) I saw first hand beauty in the variety. That is the takeaway I intended, and one that I hope we all get to feel at some point. That sheer joy in just being comfortable naked. The whole, don’t judge a book by its cover thing?

Any who, thank you to all the amazing people who either just moved on from a piece they may not have liked, or took time to share their experience with me. And of course, to all of those who it struck a chord with, I earnestly hope we all move past the experiences and have a much healthier image of ourselves in the future.  Because that, at the end of the day, is what it is all about! 

Thank you all who have bought me beers this week! As a thank you, there are some behind the scenes pictures from this photo shoot up on Patreon for you.