It’s Time for Yet Another Birthday…

AKA The Dreaded 39

Birthdays, Beer, and Bowser!

Next week, I’m turning the dreaded 39. It is not that I am afraid or uncomfortable about getting older, I just don’t enjoy this particular number. Odd numbers are just more difficult for me in general, but this one, it just hits harder for some reason.  In my mind 39 feels ugly, if that makes any sense.  Which truly is odd because it is one of the more interesting numbers to turn from a mathematical perspective will all the divisible delights. I should be more OK with it than I am.  And yet, here I sit, quite puzzled by where I am at in the grand scheme of things.

My book, is in its finally stages.  I am currently experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy) like I have NEVER experienced before.  And I have experienced more days than not in the past few months whereby I feel like the best version of myself. All in all, I am happy with my present, and optimistic about my future.  The hard work I have put into pretty much everything is finally showing me a little bit of a return for investment. But again… why reach this place when turning 39???

Last year, I wrote about my 38th birthday in: 38 My Year of the Flamingo | Breaking Away from Monogamy and it really was.  I begrudgingly accepted being single, and put my effort into accomplishing my goals.  Embracing my awkward flamingo self helped me laugh off the many, many, many, moments of self doubt, loneliness, and outright failures.  I can honestly say that while I embraced being that lone entity standing in the middle of water, it was a very slow process for me to open my eyes to those who were around me.  There were definitely a few cuts that were made, but surprisingly more often than not, I started to really feel honest gratitude towards those who I found myself standing close to.  While we all have our own unique paths, my flock is incredibly amazing, and over the last year, I have taken the time to seriously reflect on how and why that happened.

It turns out that it wasn’t by chance.  I realized, that I have been putting direct, and clear messaging out into the universe about who I wanted in my life. This, has been a major turning point for me, because my previous experiences taught me that self-preservation was made possible only by recognizing what I didn’t want.  I didn’t feel brave or confident enough to just ask for what I did want.  I am humbled by the realization that being clear and communicative with both myself and those around me, is working.

The word working, doesn’t quite convey the sentiment, but, it’s a starting point, and I think reflects what I really feel in this moment. I don’t want to get too excited, because with the book especially, there is still a long and arduous journey to go.  And although difficult, I’m being fed on more than just hopes and dreams right now.  I am actually feeling re-filled, and energized from entities that are not just self created. 

39 is still a weird number to me.  But, I think I am going to look back and laugh at how strange this number felt, by this time next year.  I’m cautiously optimistic that I have just found something dare I say someone pretty incredible, and that finally finishing my book is going to provide me with… well… something fairly monumental.  And none of this would be made possible without the incredible inner circle that I have in my life right now, and in this moment… I truly love you all!

A heartfelt cheers to all past and present who have bought me birthday beer either in person or via my Patreon! If you haven’t yet, don’t worry, there is always time!

My Summer Reflection

Summer Reflection: Cheers!

This summer, has been one of risks, and buckling down and just doing the hard things. I wish that I could say that it was a season that brought conclusions or even certainty, but I’m not sure that’s a place I exist. So, let me share a few milestones that I have worked on, and basically put into my brain, that yes, I may deserve a pat on the back even though I am not quite there. And maybe some kind soul will read this and agree, and perhaps buy me a coffee or a beer via my BreakingAway Patreon page? Any who, let me share a few of the big things I’m working on.

First and foremost, I am now financially free from my ex. It was exhausting at times, and the final step of a years long process to untangle our lives from each other. We are both in better places apart, and I am grateful that we were able to achieve this goal with civility. With that chapter closed, I was able to put the money from my separation to great use, and have made real progress in my future finances. I have struggled with money for decades, and I am proud to say that I have turned the corner with a real end in sight. I am finally in control of my own future.

Now with that freedom, something else that I knew would happen, was an emotional release. And well, what that means for all you is that, I have been able to put the hard words on paper when it comes to the book I am working on. Yup, I am actively finishing my final edit, which, come hell or high water I will begin the pitching process and outside editing pain. I’m the closest I have ever been to finishing this, and with the fear comes this strange feeling of readiness. I am ready to let this project go out into the world, fear and all.

So, now, let me get to the summer of love summary. Well, I am no closer to an answer than when this summer started. Real connections have been made, and while I have no clue what the future will hold, I will say, I believe this was the summer of friendship. Clearly that is not where I want these stories to end, but, I am resting easy in the knowledge that none of this effort has been wasted. I have met and interacted with incredible people, and I feel rich in the knowledge that real friendships have been forged out of this. Yeah, there has been a lot of crap, and a heap of rough stuff to navigate, sorry to my nearest and dearest for having to listen to it all, but ultimately, there have been no regrets this summer. I took risks, shared real feelings, and had some intense conversations, and even better, I had some really fun moments, and a lot of laughter.

So, those are some of my summer reflections. Yes, I know the season isn’t over yet, and of course being me there is so much more to come, but… I wanted to take pause and give myself a reason to enjoy a few moments. I have worked hard, and even though the joy is by myself, I am patting myself on the back. The hard work will pay off. And the journey, well… it’s been an adventure!

My Wearable Vibrator!!!

Sex Toy – Review [Affiliate Links Inside]

AYA, Wearable Vibrator from Zalo

While I don’t review toys nearly as often as I probably should, when I do have the opportunity, hot damn do I ever have a fun time.  This was my first toy that came with a remote control and was wearable!!!  And let me just say, I absolutely found the perfect volunteer to help press my buttons! If you want to read the more …*ahem* erotic tale of our testing session you can find that on my Patreon (after dark).  For this blogs purpose though, let me share my thoughts on the pros, cons, and ultimately why I am absolutely a fan of the Aya Wearable Vibrator from Zalo.

Charging

The one down side is the charging time, and so I figured I would just get that out of the way first.  While I understand the accessibility and simplicity that using a USB based charger affords, the reality is that it just slows down the process.  I think my initial charge took over 6 hours to complete.  Honestly, I got bored and went to run some errands so that I was no longer just watching for that blinking light to go solid.  Once charged though, the toy, illuminates in a clear and direct way.

But, on a positive note about the whole charging situation, this is also the first magnetic charger I have used that just worked!  Each and every time the magnet is solid.  So, overall yay?

Sound

Now for the sound, which I think is what people are most curious about.  It is touted as a discrete toy, as far as sound goes, but, I personally wouldn’t be able to go out to a restaurant, to use it. And to be clear, that has nothing to do with the toy itself and everything to do with me. Feeling the intense vibrations (which are amazing and are of course why the this little gem makes sound) has a tendency to create some *cough* sounds, especially when you are someone like me who has a difficult time staying quiet.  The audible gasps, and visibly red cheeks are what would be noticed by a passerby’s and not the little hum coming from inside my underwear.  Ha!

Now, if you are able to stay quiet and calm perhaps you could pull off a discrete romantic candlelit dinner.  As it does specify a 40 dB level which Google handily compared to a library as far as ambient sound. So, I guess it’s up to your personal risk level? All in all, though, it admittedly does sound louder when you are wearing it than it does to anyone else.  So take that with a grain of salt. I did a side by side sound check with with my other toys and it is quieter. As well, the clothing (if you’re wearing it in public for a little risque adventure does mute it as well. I just have no poker face to speak of, so I’m out.

Distance

Let us talk about distance between remote and the wearer.  I was able to test it in a house with three floors.  The remote is quite responsive a floor away, but, it loses connection when you are more than one floor apart (and yes it was advertised as being same room only, but of course, I had to make sure!). Nothing is more fun than running upstairs with a toy hanging out of you yelling “I’m ready! Press more buttons!” Isn’t half the fun of having a helping hand in just seeing their reaction too? I certainly think so! And there are toys out there specifically geared for long distance which I hope to explore in future reviews.   

QR Code

So, there is a QR code, with an app based interface that you can use your cell phone to control this Lovely wearable vibrator.  I have gone back and forth on whether or not I was comfortable testing this feature.  Admittedly am the most tech savvy, tech avoidance person I know.  I love the idea of what technology has to offer, but I struggle with just how much information I ultimately give access to.  If you’ve been following me, or reading my words for any length of time, you’ve probably realized that while I share a tonne about my life, it is always on my terms.  Rarely do I entertain people prying or pressuring me to give more than I already have. So, for the time being, I am not going to download the app.  But, if you choose to and wish to share your experience I would love to include your review for others!  Just comment below and we can chat about that.

Visuals

Ahhhh, for anyone who has read my toy reviews before, I am consistently blow away by how visually stunning toys are made.  Take this one for example.  It is made of velvety soft silicon, that is easy to clean, and a rich green colour.  It has delightful gold accents, that are not only beautiful, but hide the cleverness of a magnet that makes securing to your underwear or chosen fabric even easier (See image). The drawstring bag has come in handy when I have taken the toy over to be tested with my helping hand! And again, I simply love the elegance, and kinda wanna keep the black box (See image) as much as I want to store it in the bag for easy on the go, mobility.  So, beautiful, easy to clean and store, and of course, very soft to touch. Visually stunning!

Recommendation

Overall, I adore this toy.  And it is the first “couples” type toy that I anticipate becoming an active participant in my bedroom. It is not the star, but it is amazing for fourplay, is very fun to use, and just fits my body incredibly well.  Thus, if you are looking for a wearable device, I highly recommend the Aya (which you can purchase directly through this post and support me reviewing future toys!) 

AYA, Wearable Vibrator in action!

It’s OK to Feel Not OK

Deep Breath… It’s OK

Recently I was faced with a choice, to respond to a person in the way that I would like to be responded to, or to do my standard joking, playful, and seemingly dismissive retort.  Was that vague enough?  OK, so a guy I was planning a date with, messaged that he was having a rough day and didn’t feel up to seeing me.  Of course I was disappointed, but… and here’s the but… I was so shocked and ultimately impressed that this guy was able to tell me he was in a dark place, that I didn’t write my default message. In that moment, I realized that it was up to me, to take a step back, and really take stock of the situation. I have been putting out into the universe that I want men to be honest with me. And just like that, he was.

I have long been a believer in mental health days being just as crucial to our health as physical health days.  Why do we have sick days, and not depressed days?  It simply makes no sense.  And as a person who knows good and bad days, why is it permissible that I bail on event because I have a cold, but not to say that I can barely get myself out of bed and dressed? For some reason we are expected to just rally, or what I think happens more often than not, lie or make up excuses for our absence.  This, needs to stop.

Don’t forget to take a break! And what better way than with some games or surveys that you can actually earn on. Use this link at sign up (affiliate)!

Yes, it is completely valid to feel bummed when someone can’t make it out to see you.  However, it is important to reflect on the strength of character it takes a person to just send that text, especially when they are feeling too low to move. Remember, our emotions are valid!

This brings me to another shocking revelation about myself. OK, fine, something that I should come to terms with. I have consistently created a safe space for my dearest friends.  We can openly talk about our bad days, and remind each other to drink water, get some vitamin D, let it out, and stretch or move. Yeah, I have some pretty incredible souls in my life.  That being said, I have not formed the same bonds with men.  In my mind, I know I am open minded, and empathetic to almost all things.  But, have I articulated that?  Have I ever lead by example?  Do I properly communicate that my space is a safe and understanding space?  Definitively not… especially at first. I tend to keep my emotions to myself.  And I think, if I’m being honest, I have created a double standard between friends and lovers.  I seem to hold lovers to a higher standard of openness without putting the work in myself. So yay, opportunity areas right???  Ugh… So many things to work on and improve.  Self improvement just never ends does it?

I don’t know when too soon is to be open and vulnerable, so there will be mistakes made. My hope is, that I can continue what just felt right the other day. Acknowledging that there will be good and bad day, and I want to be with people who understand that. Create the spaces you want to be in yourself. Stop this whole double standard thing whereby my friends can get away with so much more than the men in my life can. I can do this!

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Write on the board 50 times:

Notebook #SorryNotSorry

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I do not have to always explain myself.  My experiences are valid! #SorryNotSorry!

What is something you need to write out 50 times? Let’s share, and lift each other up with words of validation and encouragement. And a special shout out to those willing to share some beer money!