Challenge Time: Sex Positive For 31 Days!

#SexPositiveFor31Days

When we gathered in May to complete the 30 day sex positive challenge, the focus was self love, learning the word sex positive, and incorporating affirmations and little challenges that could be done around the home. This go around, I want to delve deeper. The aim is for each of us feel like a contributing member of the sex positive community by incorporating daily challenges, answering tough questions, and thinking about what really makes us tick, sexually speaking. If this is your first time playing, feel free to check out #sexpositive30days (on Twitter) to see a glimpse of what you are in for in Octobers sex positive for 31 days challenge.

Where can you find the challenges?

Every morning I will be posting a daily challenge on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Just like last time I will be participating using my own Twitter handle. If you are comfortable sharing your answers, photos, or experiences please use #SexPositiveFor31Days and like or share so others can join in. If you’re not, that’s OK too! There is zero pressure to be public with your sexual experiences.

The Goal

The goal is simple: building the sex positive community, normalizing the word sex, and of course ending the stigma/taboo around being a sexual adult. As with the last challenge, it doesn’t matter what gender you are, what your orientation is, or even if you are single, partnered, or have multiple people in your life… the challenges are open to all of us. We are an inclusive community and talking about being sex positive is open to every adult who chooses to participate.

One important thing to note is this is a challenge. While I want to push myself and those participating outside of the comfort zone, the aim is to never feel silly or anything negative if there is something about sex you don’t know or want to look up! Sex is not stagnant, and being sex positive should feel the same way. Growing, evolving, changing with different partners, moods, or just plain old desire is amazing and valid. Ending the stigma and shame around sex is super important to me, and the driving force of these sex positive challenges. By talking about it, we normalize pleasure, and that is a beautiful thing.

So, if you are ready to be challenged, use the hashtag, like, share, and have fun exploring a sex positive you!

#SexPositiveFor31Days

If you love this challenge and are wondering how to support more sex positive efforts in the future, my Patreon page is always open or check out one of my amazing affiliate banners on my home page.

Dating Fears: Did I Work Hard Enough?

Standing on the edge of my fears

These past few nights, I have been haunted in dreams by people from my past. Specifically from the parents who are no longer a part of my life. The reasons for us no longer being family is complicated, but there is an underlying commonality, neither should have ever been parents. That could just be my sleep deprived oversimplification talking, because yes these dreams are keeping me from sleeping through the night, and I think I have figured out why they keep happening. I am afraid of telling new people about my past.

While I can proudly champion the fact that I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am at. To say that I love myself, inside and out…finally. And that taking the summer to really be by myself has been worth it, I cannot escape the realities of the people who used to be in my life, and the hurdles they brought into my life. Sure, I overcame some true obstacles, but I don’t want to be seen as broken. I don’t want to portray this victim vibe, or be called a survivor. I want to be recognized for my own merit. I worked damn hard, and I am proud.

But there is a lingering fear of having to explain to a new person about why I closed the door on so many family members. I don’t want to be viewed as someone who won’t make a good parent due to my upbringing or current isolation. I don’t want the questions of someone with a loving close family to cast me out because I don’t have the same. I fear, that all my hard work, building myself up into the person that I am won’t be enough.

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I am not broken. I don’t feel broken, I hope I don’t act broken, and quite frankly, if I do from time to time I feel that’s just an expression of emotion and is valid. Yeah, that sentence confuses me at times too, but coming to terms with feeling vulnerable at times is part of my growth, and not my whole identity. And while I can write that… I don’t want to have to constantly explain myself and situation to others. I want to be loved for who I am now, and cherished for all my hard work, and dreams. I don’t want new people to judge me for a past that was out of my control. No one chooses their parents. I did the very best with what I was born into, and it helped shape me into the loving, compassionate, and at times even funny self.

My dreams though, are reminding me that there is a deep rooted fear that all my hard work is not enough, may never be enough, and I could be doomed to relationship failure. In the daylight, I don’t feel that way, it is only when everything is quiet, and my brain is left to sort its own version of events.

I am in no way looking for a cheering squad in writing this either. And for what it’s worth, I feel sick to my stomach typing this post. I don’t know what outcome I am expecting. I feel raw, vulnerable, and it is very off-putting to someone who likes the control of my emotions that I normally do have. What I recognize I have no control over is someone else, or their reactions to me, my story, and my past. And that evokes fear. Fear of dating, and putting myself out there. And that look in their eyes, that maybe all this hard work will never be enough for love and a family.

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Bi-Curiosity and My Past Obstacles

Smiling for the future

Last November I finally came to terms in writing (which is a huge deal for me) that I was bi-curious. I nervously admitted to my partner that I was uncertain about just how straight I was, and was ready to start exploring. Well, as it turns out, my timing couldn’t have been worse because low and behold 2020 was right around the corner. I had switched my online dating profiles ready to dip my toes into the dating pool of females, but unfortunately Covid-19 hitting in March, abruptly ended all conversations. As a result I have been left alone with my thoughts, fantasies, and all the insecurities of approaching women forced into the back burner of my mind. Simmering away, I cannot help but lament the fact that it has taken me until my mid-30’s to recognize that my sexuality is likely as fluid as my relationships.

With the inability to move forward I feel like a fraud for thinking and not doing. I don’t want to hurt anyone or use a person for my own exploration. I am nervous to use, and worse, to be used. Isolation has granted me the luxury of getting lost inside my own head, and while it usually gives me great comfort, in this case, I have no frame of reference. I truly feel alone. I long for human contact, for intimacy, and for that intense spark of a budding relationship. But when I awake from the day dream of what if, I am reminded that we are in dark times. I cannot just go out and flirt or mingle like I earnestly desire. And the harsh reality  comes crashing down, that if I did take the risk and put myself out there, I do not know what I want or what I am looking for. This is going to take time, stumbles, and probably a few hurt feeling and bruised egos. I just feel so raw that now may not be the right time. But if not now, when?

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Looking back at how I was raised, it is no secret that I wish that my biological dad had been around more. I recall telling my mom that he took me to a breakfast spot downtown when I was young that had rainbow flags everywhere and no woman’s washroom. I had no idea what any of that meant, but when I told my step dad about the meal he was noticeably uncomfortable. As a staunchly homophobic man, I remember many nights of him accusing me of being a dike, with my short pixie haircut and not boyfriend to speak of. And when I was in university I was still living at home so exploring my sexuality was still out of the question. Plus I met the man I nearly married only a month or so in. So that was that. I was on the path of the straight and narrow, even defiantly so.

I don’t want this to seem like I am making excuses or that I haven’t forgiven my past. But, looking back, I can see why it took me until my mid 30’s to break away from my personal rigidity. While the timing is not quite right to fully put myself out there, I am allowing my fantasies to be a little more fluid. I still don’t know when things will open up, or when I will be able to take these fantasies to the next level, but.. actually I am just going to leave this one there.

A huge thank you to everyone who has kept the beer flowing for me this month! I hope you are all enjoying the thank you photos on my Patreon.

Hookups, FWB, and Non-Monogamy

Hookups, FWB, and Non-monogamy

I posted a rant a while back on the subject of Hookups, Couples, and Swinging, and honestly I thought I did a pretty great of expressing my dislike for the whole hookup culture. However, it turns out, I kinda jumped the gun thinking that I would only ever be dating as a couple…. Whoops! So now that I am putting my feet in the dating pool in a more solo driven capacity, and accepting solo men (Please be terrified for me, because I know I am) I’ve realized online dating and reading comprehension do not go hand in hand. In fact, more often than not the idea that I want a FWB or a hookup because I proudly state I am non-monogamous is a hurdle I keep having to jump. And well, they just don’t give me enough characters in a message to say what I really feel about this… Non-monogamy is not code for hookups or FWB.

Now, I know that the majority of my readers have already been exposed to the word non-monogamy, but if you haven’t, then I am about to blow your mind… the diversity within the word non-monogamous is vast. In fact, I have tried to write about the definitions outside of monogamy so many times, and always come up short. Many call it a spectrum and I urge you to go and look one up if you haven’t already. Suffice it to say, pretty much any relationship outside of monogamy is possible including: polyamory, swinging, triads, FWB, foursomes, don’t ask don’t tell, ethical non-monogamy, and when you factor in all the gender diversity too… well, it turns out that there is no solid assumption you can make when you read someone identifies as non-monogamous.

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And honestly, that is one of my favorite things about being non-monogamous, the freedom to choose. The freedom over my body, my relationships, and sex life is pretty damn empowering. That I can love someone with all my heart, and still be able to explore things I am interested in sexually and emotionally. Ok, I know you have all read my little anthem before. I love being non-monogamous. What I don’t love is being told that I am only looking for hookups. Or that I am only worthy of a FWB. Or that I am a slut or I am unable to settle down, by extension that something must be wrong with me. Or that I my sex life is unfulfilling. (Again, people I haven’t even met have dared to say each and everyone of these things to me on various online dating sites).

 My optimistic nature thought, and still tries to be hopeful in the idea that new people would get excited about my relationship fluidity. If someone is amazing, I will make an effort to fit them into my life. It could be a hook-up once a year, or something more ongoing. It could be a full-on relationship where we go out on dates, plan a future, and grow to love each other. It could be physical, emotional, flirty, honestly it depends on our chemistry and timing and all those wonderful factors that come into play. I am open to the possibilities and don’t want to pigeon hole myself into some ideal that won’t make sense long term.

Sex is important to me. And yes, I want to get laid as often as possible. But if all you are offering me is that? Well, I am going to hold out for someone who actually wants to get to know me, and not just my body, because right now… that is what I am looking for. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time: my body, my heart, my choice!

To all of you buying me beer or coffee on Patreon… thank you! Your generosity, no matter how small helps fuel my blog and writing endeavours and I am forever grateful!

A Few Stumbles Loving Myself

As I continue the uphill battle of falling back in love with myself, I have to keep reminding myself that the only certainty in life is that I will always be with me. Humans will come and go, but at the end of it all, I need to be someone that I can look back upon and just be proud. For decades, I only wanted to be the sunshine in my step dad’s eyes. My raison d’être was making him smile. And, if you have read any of my posts about the gaslighter who use to be in my life, well… that blew up royally in my face. I made that fatal mistake, of living for someone else. And as I mentioned in my last post, I did the same thing over the last year. My motivations were different, and of course, I would do it again in a heartbeat, but now it is time for me.

I have always had a creative mind, that ran parallel with this inane desire to do everything myself. I equated loving myself with being able to do everything on my own. Pride equals hard work, and this weird solo sense of worth. As a person who has only been single for about 6 months her entire adult life, that is a pretty strange thing to say. I have had incredible partners, and yet, I would never let them help me sort out my career, finances, or have any say in who I am as a person (good or bad). And as I sit here, writing alone in my house I have to admit, that this line of thinking is wrong.

I have not done myself a single favour by going alone. I love being an individual, but I cannot help wondering where I would be at if I just let someone in without kicking and screaming. Would that behaviour make me less lovable? Admitting vulnerability? I mean sure, if you follow my twitter, or have read a few of my more intimate posts you know I can open up. I absolutely have it in me. But… it is always on my terms. I deal with what I choose to, when I choose to, and can pretty much keep everything else in nice and neat boxes (the last year of my life not withstanding). However I am only open on my terms, and have never been that bubbly warm soul that everyone wants to be friends with.

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There are so many times that I have wished I could be that person who walks into a room, and just lights it up. My grandmother is genuinely loved by everyone who meets her. She is that rare soul that you just cannot help but adore. Generous, warm, hard working, always smiling, and an amazing cook/baker. The greatest testament to her amazing effect on people is that every breakup my mom went through, I would hear the outed party comment about how much they would miss my grandmother. And I have always admired this quality in her, while also knowing, I could never fill these shoes.

As I spend this summer coming to much more intimate terms with who I am, and what makes me amazing, it is difficult not to fall into an old trap, the desire of being that lady in red. That woman who makes heads turn when she walks into a room, and has an entourage of people laughing at her every word. I, so badly want to please people, while at the same time being true to my independent self.  It’s a balance game I should probably just give up on, because if I have learned anything, it is that I am not able to achieve it.

When I open my mouth, I quickly sense the person that I have offended, or rubbed the wrong way. Call it a gift! Of course I make it worse if I backtrack, or try and dig myself out of those holes. So, I try to say less, and listen more. Which if I am being honest is one of the things I truly love about myself. Being able to listen with compassion has opened up a whole world of new people and possibilities. And this is the foundation of me falling back in love with me. That and of course some amazing sex toys!

Deep down, I know I want people to fall in love with me, when I am in love with myself. I don’t desire anyone to pity me, or feel that they need to help me, solve my problems, or dig me out of endless hole. I have never desired that knight in shining armour to come and rescue me on his noble stead. I can only rescue myself. And that is what I am doing, one day at a time, so I can resume the most sex forward, and positive adventures of my life!

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