2021 – Real and Raw

Real and Raw for 2021

Over the past few weeks I have written some pretty great rants for my blog.  And then I read them over, and realize that nope, they are not for public consumption. Instead they are tough conversation starters that I need to have at home. And it’s funny, that that was why I started blogging in the first place, writing out the hard questions (It was called question everything). Before I developed the skills to talk about the hard stuff, I would write them down, in an ambiguous way and then just hope that the person they were about would read them, and just intuitively decode the message and we could talk about things. Spoiler alert… it NEVER happened.

But, I did get practice writing rants, raves, and general queries out to collect my thoughts. Which turned into better clarity when talking about all the difficulties in my relationship, and of course led to real changes or realizations that things had to be accepted or move on. So why am I sharing this with you? Because my friends, that is who I am. I am real, and raw and ready to tackle 2021. So get ready because I am about to start blogging about solo polyamorous dating.

For those wondering if you missed some huge breakup post or drama filled lament from me, you didn’t.  Why, because there was no need to write one. I am just not a fighter. In fact, in a decade of being together we have had one screaming match… ever. I am talking one big fight, and it was after we were already broken up. I would call it an airing of our drunken grievances if nothing else. So, again, do no hold your breath for some drama fuelled I hate him post, because it just isn’t how I roll. Calm and rational to the end (well in person).

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I am going to make a tonne of mistakes, because this is a whole new world going it alone in non-monogamy. In fact, I am making one right now that I am kicking myself for (new post coming soon on that one). That being said, I have a sneaking suspicion that this go around in my relationship exploration, there are going to be a lot more posts about peoples reactions to me, and the situations they find themselves in a result of meeting yours truly. There is zero ill will intended, and in a perfect world, everyone would automatically be on the same page as me and we would have great sex and live happily ever after. But, of course we cannot have nice things, especially after 2020.

So, in true me fashion, I hope you enjoy (probably more than I will) the real and raw journey of my solo polyamorous tales going forward. I anticipate bouts of monogamy, dating tales, and well, I don’t even want to guess at all the pitfalls because I might lose my nerve to think of them. Haha! Oh, and I would love to hear your thoughts on using the term ethical when it comes to non-monogamy. For better or for worse, this is going to be a theme I touch on a few times over the next little while, because the word is already becoming problematic. But I will save that for a future post.  Welcome 2021 and my continuing saga of breaking away from monogamy my way.

A huge thank you to everyone who helped fuel me through 2020 on my Patreon! Hopefully the bonus content this year will be even better with sneak peaks of new podcasts, and all the behind the scenes photos you’ve come to enjoy.

Hope for 2021

Hope for 2021

As 2020 makes its miserable leave of our lives, I am surprised to say, that I am actually hopeful. Not only for the vaccine, and humanity coming together again in the near future, but for completely selfish reasons, me. I have been dealt blow after blow, as I am positive many of you out there can relate to, and while the temptation to be bitter is just under the surface something much more prominent is brewing… hope. In my short lifetime, I have given my heart to many people and have had it stomped on and thrown right back in my face. I have been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused more times than I care to admit, and perhaps it would be easier if I just retreated into my shell, yet, I am inextricably driven by hope. Hope for a future with love, passion, and all the amazing adventures that I absolutely know are out there for me.

I don’t know why I believe this is a part of my future, because the evidence definitely speaks to the contrary. But, here I sit, writing with this calm sense of knowing. Somewhere, there is a match. Someplace right now, there is a person who will love me for all of my flaws, and my randomness. Why? Because I know I can love them in return for all of their imperfections. The pain I have lived has shown me this boundless capacity for love.

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It’s strange. A few years ago, when exploring polyamory for the first time, I was faced with the intriguing concept that humans can love more than one person. I instantly understood that, and I sought to find friendships that went beyond just superficial drinking buddies. I can say with certainty that I have a group in my inner circle that I love. That friendship goes far beyond what I knew was possible as a child. And while I won’t be getting naked in front a room of strangers this year to ring in the New Year, I am hopeful that in year to come, I will get more intimate and equally exhilarating moments sprinkled throughout.

And now, with that same sense of wonder, I approach 2021 with hope. Maybe this year won’t share with me my true love, but I will be damned if I will be harnessed by the bitterness of my past experiences. I just don’t have that in me. If I let those shadows take me, even for a few moments, I know I would struggle to get out. So, instead, I am accepting that I have skeletons in my closet, of which I will deal with, and not allow me to remain frozen in fear of rejection. For 2021, I have an open arms and an open heart and I truly with the same for everyone reading this. Cheers to a 2021 filled with hope and opportunity!

And a huge thank you to every single person who fuelled me with beer money to get through 2020 on Patreon.  You are my hero’s!  

Book Writing Accountability Post

My little guy and I!

I made a conscious decision this year that because I couldn’t go to California for Christmas, I was going to take the two weeks off of work and dedicate it to my book writing. Well, today, I finally pressed print on 50 pages of it. It feels like a crazy milestone. And while I should be shouting from the rooftops that I have something tangible in my hands to start editing, and reworking into something I am proud of, I cannot help but be disappointed. And that person I am bummed at, is me. I know, one shouldn’t regret, or live in the past, but I am struggling to get to where I know I need to be hence this post about book writing accountability.

I absolutely have it in me to type for hours on end. And yet, my days are filled with distractions. From a sick dog, to “roommate” issues and obligations. I vocalized my intent before I went on vacation, and still… I feel pushed and pulled in all the wrong directions. I am sure every single writer out there with a family, other jobs, etc. fully understands what I am going through. I mean if writing was easy, everyone would do it right?

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Here is the thing though, fundamentally, at my core I am a giver. And, in order to complete this book, I need to be selfish. This is tearing me apart. I need to be selfish with my time, let the guilt go when I get pulled away, and be assertive in taking the space I need. Holy cripes is this ever not me! I want to please, help others, be amenable, and of course, if you’re reading this you can clearly see the obvious in that I need to help myself first.

For those who don’t know, I am writing my non-monogamous origins story. It has a title, a voice, all the framework, and basically the bulk of the writing is done. And after this little break to focus on it, I hope to employ an editor to get me to the next phase which is actually publishing. It’s funny how different this book looks now from when I started, which is a good thing. And I hope it ends up being a more compelling read, than the lighthearted “open relationships” are so great, rose coloured glassed perspective it could have turned into 3 years ago! Life is complex, relationships constantly evolve or end, and writing this book has made me a better person, and hopefully a much better partner for a future someone special.

Anyways, I write this post to keep me accountable, give you all a little update, and to vent the things holding me back from accomplishing the things I desire. If you want to be a part of it, and help fuel my progress, please check out my Patreon.

The Force Definitely Does Not Work on Relationships

As I continue to research, and write about mismatched relationships over on Medium, a thought keeps sneaking in, wouldn’t life be easier if we could just use the force when it comes to relationships? I don’t mean use force, but, what if the energy I put into a person was guaranteed to come back to me in some form or another? What if I could actually control where my energy goes? Obviously, that is just wishful or as I like to say wistful thinking because the force definitely does not work on relationships!

For years I have noticed that I am the friend who is coming up with things to do, inviting people out, or texting people to see how they are. And with dating and relationships I am noticing the same pattern. If I am not the one inviting someone to meet up, grab beers, or just initiating the conversation… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS! I’ve used the excuse for years that it’s because I am non-monogamous and people are either secretly uncomfortable with it, or just afraid of pissing me off and pushing boundaries. But honestly, what is truly wrong with reciprocating a text every so often.  Or just inviting me out for a walk with zero expectations? I am not that scary in person!!!

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Or perhaps I am. I honestly don’t even know anymore. A friend remarked that I should blame it on Covid, others say that the dating world has just changed in general thanks to easy access of people via Tinder/Hookup apps, and of course there is the whole non-monogamous elephant in the room. People don’t seem to believe that I am truthful when I say that I do not have a long list of beaus just waiting for my call. I don’t and if I did, I would be upfront and honest about it. Because yes, I am honest almost to a fault!

As a small child I remember being told that if people don’t like you for who you are, then they are not worth having as friends. And now, more than ever those words haunt me. Because in the adult world, things are not so black and white. Are people intimidated by me? Does that mean they don’t actually like me? And the real question, are people themselves really honest about who they like and who they don’t like? Or are we all just kind of placating the masses or the big group of people, fearful of hurting anyone’s feeling? If any of those questions actually get answered, the pool of which to connect with awesome people changes dramatically.

And we go back to my original thought, what would happen if the energy I put into a person and getting to know them was reciprocated? Or, is this life of non-monogamy filled with compromise, where you take what you can get due to time, family, emotional outputs, and just life in general? To find happiness and joy in the small moments, rather than a complete picture? But here we sit, waiting patiently for a vaccine, and unable to make even the simplest new connections. Well, back to the rabbit hole of researching mismatched relationships!

If you are enjoying my Instagram 12 days of Xmas series (as seen in the photo above), I’m sure you will enjoy the behind the scenes photos even more on my Patreon!

A Few Almost Dating Stories

Cheers?

Activating an online dating account is treacherous at the best of times, but add into it a pandemic, being non-monogamous, and for added fun open to dating different genders. In the old days, this would have been a magical event, filled with hilarious stories, intrigue, and of course at least a few sexy tales. After a few months of putting myself out there, I can confirm that we are NOT in the before times, and magic is the opposite of what I would call this period in my life. Never have I come so close to lying or not being authentic on my profile, simply so I can have the smallest of chances. In no particular order, here are a few of the almost dating stories for your reading pleasure.

Exhibit A – Young, and Educated

I was so excited when this newly located young and articulate man arrived in my hometown, and started chatting with me. We hit it off right away and exchanged numbers. He was respectful, intelligent, and very hansom. As we moved towards grabbing a drink our conversations started heating up. We exchanged sexy photos, and I had, what I will admit was the hottest sext afternoon of my life. What thrilled me was his complete sentences, well thought out messages, and the addition of perfectly timed rugged photos that piqued my imagination. In short, I was smitten so, I asked him to pencil me in for an in person beer on Saturday night. He seemed equally excited and told me all the things he wanted to do with me, and even went so far as saying that if we hit if off I could spend the night. But alas, when I texted to confirm, he seemed puzzled by my confirmation. Turns out, he was away for the weekend with the boys and either forgot about our plans or just didn’t care. Either way, our messages came to a weird end. Basically, he just stopped texting, and I will only ask a guy out twice before I take the hint. Chasing each other is hot, but when it’s just one of us, it comes off as desperate.

Exhibit B – The Musician

I started chatting with a very tall, dark, and ruggedly good looking musician a while back. We shared some moments of laughter, quick witted banter, and random schedules. Everything was lining up perfectly for a first date when all of a sudden he showed his true colours, a self defeatist. Now, normally this wouldn’t be a game over for me, but being covid times, the extra struggles of isolation set in. The conversation quickly went from excitement to poor me, I’m the worst with keeping plans, etc (on his end). Now, if it had been any other time, I probably would have tried harder to just get him out for a beer, but things are too risky right now to waste even a moment on someone who potentially will add bad juju to my life. While this one isn’t necessarily dead in the water, I also won’t be pushing for in person until all of this craziness is over.

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Exhibit C – Unicorn Hunter

Opening myself up to possibilities, I changed my looking for to include everyone. Enter the pixie haircut, fit, married woman. She was open about having a husband, said she was looking for a connection, and we started rapid fire chatting one evening. I was starting to get really comfortable talking to her when things took an unexpected turn. While talking about what we were both looking for she casually mentioned that she showed my photos to her partner and he would like to meet me too. I replied kindly, that I wasn’t interested in being a unicorn, and was not looking to date couples, especially not solo. She told me it was nothing like that and we chatted a bit further, but then, she went right back into the whole both her and her partner would like to take me on separate dates to ensure that we all get along. I asked why that would matter because I didn’t want to date them both. She assured me it was fine, and I said his photo isn’t even on her profile so I felt like that was a misrepresentation if that’s what the deal was. In a last ditch effort to hook me, her next message was a selfie of the two of them in bed. When I replied that he wasn’t my type because I was only looking for a female, I got blocked. Fun times. Fun times. Note to all out there, if you are looking for a woman to join your couple, just be honest, and have a photo of the both of you! Spurring it on someone feels predatory, and rejection is never a fun thing.

Exhibit D – The Stand Up…Guy

This will be final story in this collection and what a way to end it. So here I was, jiving hard with this guy. We switched over to exchanging numbers, agreed to grab a beer, and had some great flirty conversation. I should mention he was the first guy I’ve chatted with who seemed like a great fit for non-monogamy. His questions were insightful, he was kind, and not at all a horn dog just trying to get laid. He just seemed super genuine about wanting to get to know me further and excited to see how my relationships worked. Which was refreshing!

He was upfront the day we decided to meet may be a little up in the air, time wise, because his dad was going in for surgery. I had all weekend to meet him, so I was pretty flexible on the Saturday. When that fell through we agreed to a specific time and place on Sunday. The final message I received that night was “amazing”. Being me, I sent a quick message a few hours before I started to get ready Sunday, just to confirm that we were still on. Radio silence. Something felt weird, but I got dressed, and went out anyways. We were only days away from the second lockdown announcement so I figured getting out of the house would do me good no matter what. 10 minutes go by, then 15. I sent a message asking what his ETA was. No response. I order a beer, and let him know. Nothing. 45 minutes later, the realization struck hard and fast, I had been stood up.  

Fast forward 4 days later to one single phrase “Fuck I’m so sorry”. No explanation, no further conversation, nothing. So, umm… that was fun right?

Final Thoughts

Dating is always tough. But what I am discovering is, I pretty much get to jump over every hurdle at once right now, and it is exhausting! I won’t give up, because… well… it’s me. That said, I hope summary posts like this are not the new norm. I just really want to start something amazing up! It’s been far too long since I’ve felt in person butterflies, and hot damn do I miss it.

Thank you to all who have bought me a virtual beer via my Patreon. This is the liquid fuel to keep my creative juices flowing, and I try to reward accordingly. Some of the perks include access to all my written work, early access to my podcast, and of course the higher your tier, the more NSFW I post.