Week 18 & 19: Curiosity and Power

    K Ghislaine

The past few weeks have felt more turbulent than usual. While I always find myself in situations of high stress, I feel especially helpless as springtime is not re-charging me like in years past. As I worked to achieve the challenge of writing dialogue with curiosity prompted by Ann Patchett, I couldn’t focus. Try as I might, even with an extra week I couldn’t achieve something so simple, which disappoints me, as writing dialogue is a major opportunity area for me. But, my heart simply isn’t in it. I want my ability to write about other to improve, and gain depth, but no matter what I do right now, I cannot keep my mind still enough to expand a thought.

And then, I read the prompt on writing with power and almost broke down. What is my target audience? What do I hope that people will feel, think, or the ever elusive response to words that I have put out into the world? What is the aim, purpose, direction? What if my words one day did have impact on someone else, what then? Words have power, and have I been responsible with that? I have utilized my voice to build love, acceptance, and compassion? Have I done harm?

Of course I have done harm. I have judged, criticized and belittled people in my past. I have done harm, and hurt people, often without even realizing it. That’s not an excuse, but rather I know sometimes a passionate rant can seem insensitive. But in a world where we have words like snowflake, it’s nearly impossible not to offend at least one person. And that makes me sad.

I lived many years in someones shadow. Actually it was 2 people’s shadows at the same time. I spent years being criticized, and told that I simply wasn’t good enough. I walked on eggshells, striving to be perfect, and barring all that, just being someone who could be whatever they needed me to be. This worked for years, until one inevitable day, the man I was in “lust” with and my stepfather went to battle. It was over the control of me, but of course I didn’t know that. I had disillusioned myself to believe I was strong and independent. And that no one controlled me, but me. However, that was not the case.

It turned out that I had become a shell of myself. Stretching myself too thin, in order to please those domineering men around me, I collapsed both emotionally and physically. Why do I share this? Maybe it’s the start of the next bout of me being brave, and putting the pain into words. Maybe that is the next chapter in making my words powerful again, instead of letting myself be swallowed up in remorse and regret. And maybe, I’ll go back to the prompt about dialogue writing and curiosity and better be able to share what they were meant to bring out in my words.

My mind goes back to being a blurry mess of emotions, brought about by the truth that the real and genuine father figure in my life may in fact be mortal. A fact I have fought, and continue to fight. With power comes responsibility, and I hope my curiosity keeps me in check. That last line is for me, and for me alone.

Thank you all for allowing me the space to share and sort out this mess that’s in my head. And to those that follow on Patreon, well, you know how much I appreciate your support!

Week 16 & 17: Rhythm and Objects

    K Ghislaine

As I aim to get back on track with my self writing challenge, I’ve noticed just how much I have pushed myself this past little while. If you’ve read my blog over the past year, you know I have been trying to get pregnant, and so far, there have been very few signs of success or even in doing anything right. I think that there must be a lesson hidden somewhere, probably plain as day to an outsider, but currently still fuzzy to me. The challenge to use rhythm and the focus of objects to write, becomes an interesting task.

Over the past few months, maybe even a year if I look back into my journal, I have really tried to visualize myself as a mother, and in doing so, I have shifted my belief system into one where this is the most important target. With that comes stress, and a sense of deep failure for being unable to produce. To the point of writing with rhythm and poetry though is that normally when I feel those really big feelings, I switch to writing poetry. That alone, that rhythmic voice seems somehow better equipped to bring out my inner most thoughts, maybe even in a gentler way, which is why it works. Words pour out of me, with an almost melodic flow, that feel trance-like. And the tears are then able to flow even faster.

I was shocked to look back upon my book of poetry and discover that I have yet to write anything poetic about my struggles. And I don’t fully understand why. So then, to dig deeper, and incorporate week 17, there is this idea of writing with an object, or a specific focus, that paints things in such a descriptive way that the reader can almost hold it in their hands. And to that end I recently shared with my grandfather just such a piece of writing. It was a piece I wrote years ago, forged from a childhood memory of his old GMC truck. The power of letting him read this nostalgia was, well, powerful. And I wonder, to myself, if I need to incorporate some sort of object, or give focus to my current barren situation so I am better versed at exploring this point in my life. And suddenly, I am uncomfortable.

Have I been keeping myself so busy in an effort to avoid digging? Or, have I simply exhausted how deep I can go within myself, and finally need to just relax and let my cards play out. Obviously, for me it’s the latter, but I say obvious with a sense of irony. It should have been clear, and yet, I have told myself for so long that digging as deep as I can is what produces the best work. And well, it turns out I need a break from striving to be the best I can. Perhaps, just maybe, I’m Ok as I am. Maybe it’s time to just enjoy where I am at, to take a moment to just sit and read in the sunshine, without purpose or intent. While the tools for writing in these last two challenges are fabulous, I think, I might just crack a beer (see what that looks like on my Patreon), and keep them in mind for a project a little later down the road…

Week 15: Danger

    K Ghislaine
Femme Fatale

Why yes, I am behind in my writing prompts, thank you for noticing. And while my intent this week was to catch up with a few weeks all mashed together, I was instead stopped in my tracks when I read Edwidge Danticat’s thoughts on creating dangerously. At first, in reading those words, I felt indifferent. There simply was no relevance, I mused to myself in my writing and anything even remotely dangerous. And then I thought about it, and realized that our dear neighbours to the south are dealing with the loss of female bodily autonomy. Roe VS Wade was the start of something that we all knew would lead to many more words, changes, and legislature with regards to women’s rights, and sadly, we are in a timeline where our rights are being stripped from us, left, right, and centre.

I use those words with purpose and intent because there is no place on the political spectrum that is void of culpability for where we are at now. Either by being too complacent, pushing with too much fervour, or those who simply are showing their true colours, in that they are sexist, plain and simple. And it is with that in mind, that I can actually see a glimmer of possibility that some of what I have written over the years could be dangerous for others to read. And that puzzles my very essence.

Yes, I write about sex, relationships, and have poured so many hours and feelings into non-monogamous exploration. While taboo for many of my writing years, I rarely felt scared or nervous to put words on a page. But, then again, I never in my wildest dreams thought that we could go backwards in time, preventing access to abortion and contraception in what we clearly have mislabelled the first world. I have written about abortion both in this blog, and on medium, and felt free to do so. There is a real possibility that those freedoms could be restricted for people in the future. That is terrifying.

Words should never feared unless they depict hate, lies, or violence. We should be free to discuss, debate, and share thoughts and feelings on subject matters that affect us all. My eyes are wide open to the fact that people fear what they don’t understand, and that includes discussion about female sexuality and relationships that our outside of mainstream western thinking. I challenge myself to daily to put these things out into the universe because I long for a world with acceptance, love, and kindness. The notion that there could be danger in this to a reader at some point in the future is not a comforting idea. But one, that I think every writer or content creator should spend a little time with. Times are changing faster than we can keep up with. And my only advice for anyone creating ideas right now, it to make sure you take some time for self care. I don’t want to exercise “what if” scenarios at this current moment in time, because this dystopian landscape is far beyond my wildest nightmares.

I will be spending some time exploring danger, and what that means in my writing both past and present. But, as I cannot change things as fast as they change around me, ultimately I can only forge ahead knowing that I have been as authentic as I can be, for both my readers, and my own peace of mind. Thank you all, for sharing this journey, for being curious, and brave! I see you, and appreciate you, especially those on my Patreon (Behind the scenes photos and content)! Stay tuned for the next instalment of my Women’s Writing series on Rhythm and Objects!

Week 13 & 14: Honesty and Making a Living

    K Ghislaine

What a powerful combination of weeks to end up being paired together by me, and my super busy life: Honesty and Making a Living. So, let me just dive into this one. Honesty was prompted by a quote from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in which she talks to fiction and it’s truthfulness. In fact, she argues that authors are more truthful when they write fiction than they are when they write non-fiction, i.e. memoirs. Of course this struck a chord with me. In fact, my first real attempt at writing my first book was in the fiction medium. The reason, was that I was currently with my partner, and required the veil of fiction to properly get some words on the page that I knew he would feel bad about.

Looking back at that, I cannot help but wonder what that story would have looked like had I continued. Ultimately I am glad I didn’t finish that work, but when it comes to part II of this challenge and Making a Living, well, here I am, not. I learned a fun fact about the Little Women author Louisa May Alcott, that I had never read before, and that was her novel was written for money. While this certainly doesn’t change my outlook on writing, and what is overall permissible to write in order to get notoriety, it did give me a moments pause.

My partner always jokes that I should write a harlequin romance novel, to fund the writing of my actual passions. And whenever I hear this, I laugh and laugh and laugh. But, am I really laughing? The hard truth is my subject matter is not really “monetizable”. For more on that, please read A Free Pass: Writing About Sex as a Woman, in which I explain more on this. But the thing is, the hard thing to come to terms with is, if I had made my book a fiction, instead of a memoir, it might very well have been more easily swallowed. The thing is, we are not yet in a sex positive society, and thus we are more comfortable knowing what really goes on in a relationship under the guise of make-believe.

But you see, I want that to change. I want to push the envelope and be the person who doesn’t make you uncomfortable reading about these things. And so, I suppose, until my book gets published, I will keep not making a living at writing the words that my passion aligns with. And I will continue to be grateful that I have a day job, that pays me for words, at least on a part time basis, even though the words are branded and for them. I am lucky in that. But I yearn to be even luckier, and to one day make a living to do write and talk about the things that I think we need more of in our society, sex positivity (a word still not in the dictionary!).

Thank you all for sharing my ramblings, and an even bigger shoutout to my Patreon subscribers!

Week 11 & 12: Expectations and Words

    K Ghislaine

Well, it didn’t take long for me to miss another week of writing and then, I read my prompts and went, well F%$#. Honestly everything just feels too much right now, and that includes trying to merge these two challenges together, but, I am going to try anyways with expectations and words. Marilynne Robinson speaks to a subject matter that I have poured many words into over the years, with expectations. For you see, my subject matter has long forced me to face this challenge head on, in that, I cannot write what I think the reader wants no matter how many times I convince myself I should. And whenever I do, I watch my engagement drop, sometimes with scary volume. As a writer, no sound haunts like… crickets! And while terrifying, I have learned to be vulnerable, real, and raw (yeah I say that a lot these day) because authentic words are more impactful than trying to gauge what the reader wants. And selfishly I get more out of being truthful and authentic than I ever do when I have tried tailoring my words to reach someone.

Now speaking of words, here is my lame attempt to Segway into another challenge which is in regards to finding new words. As a young reader I took this challenge seriously. I loved reading from a variety of genres and periods of time, revelling in both old English, poetry, and modern words alike. I remember the excitement of reciting speech that made me feel regal, or out of time. Yes, I was an odd duck, but hey, who isn’t? Right?!? As I read that prompt, I grew nostalgic, with the lost magic of learning new words. But, I think this is also due in part to the lament of getting older. As my brain experiences both age, and stress, my capacity to learn new things and retain them is diminishing. As a trade off, my voice and brand are growing stronger, and more sure, but, realizing I am no longer writing with youthful nuance is difficult to accept at times.

I have not read a book with a dictionary in hand in what feels like decades. Perhaps since I first read Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power? Ooph, that was in my early 20s’. Maybe it’s time to challenge this brain and see what words I can learn, in tandem with trying to please my Duolingo Owl, because why not do everything at once?

For my loyal readers, I do apologize that this piece was more sterile than usual, and less random stories, but I am dealing with a family emergency and quite frankly, my energy is at an all time low. So please accept these photos, and those on my Patreon as a token of my ongoing appreciation for all of you rather than just my words.