
As I aim to get back on track with my self writing challenge, I’ve noticed just how much I have pushed myself this past little while. If you’ve read my blog over the past year, you know I have been trying to get pregnant, and so far, there have been very few signs of success or even in doing anything right. I think that there must be a lesson hidden somewhere, probably plain as day to an outsider, but currently still fuzzy to me. The challenge to use rhythm and the focus of objects to write, becomes an interesting task.
Over the past few months, maybe even a year if I look back into my journal, I have really tried to visualize myself as a mother, and in doing so, I have shifted my belief system into one where this is the most important target. With that comes stress, and a sense of deep failure for being unable to produce. To the point of writing with rhythm and poetry though is that normally when I feel those really big feelings, I switch to writing poetry. That alone, that rhythmic voice seems somehow better equipped to bring out my inner most thoughts, maybe even in a gentler way, which is why it works. Words pour out of me, with an almost melodic flow, that feel trance-like. And the tears are then able to flow even faster.
I was shocked to look back upon my book of poetry and discover that I have yet to write anything poetic about my struggles. And I don’t fully understand why. So then, to dig deeper, and incorporate week 17, there is this idea of writing with an object, or a specific focus, that paints things in such a descriptive way that the reader can almost hold it in their hands. And to that end I recently shared with my grandfather just such a piece of writing. It was a piece I wrote years ago, forged from a childhood memory of his old GMC truck. The power of letting him read this nostalgia was, well, powerful. And I wonder, to myself, if I need to incorporate some sort of object, or give focus to my current barren situation so I am better versed at exploring this point in my life. And suddenly, I am uncomfortable.
Have I been keeping myself so busy in an effort to avoid digging? Or, have I simply exhausted how deep I can go within myself, and finally need to just relax and let my cards play out. Obviously, for me it’s the latter, but I say obvious with a sense of irony. It should have been clear, and yet, I have told myself for so long that digging as deep as I can is what produces the best work. And well, it turns out I need a break from striving to be the best I can. Perhaps, just maybe, I’m Ok as I am. Maybe it’s time to just enjoy where I am at, to take a moment to just sit and read in the sunshine, without purpose or intent. While the tools for writing in these last two challenges are fabulous, I think, I might just crack a beer (see what that looks like on my Patreon), and keep them in mind for a project a little later down the road…